by Sawyer Belle
It was obvious that his feelings for her had not been deeper than friendship, but that he didn’t even want to be her friend any more broke her heart into even tinier pieces. What had she done to push him so far away? More importantly, how could she get him back? Contact between her and Kelly had quieted to almost non-existent. He was her only friend now. She was content to love him on her own as long as she could keep his friendship, but losing him altogether was a blow she didn’t think she could overcome.
“An atrial flutter?” Brent asked his mom.
“Yes,” she answered from her hospital bed. “My heart is fine. It can be easily controlled with medicine.” She patted her worried and careworn son on the hand. Then, she moaned with dread. “Another set of pills to take. I swear with all of the pills I gotta pop, you’d think at least one of them would get me high!”
“Mom!” he said incredulously, allowing himself to smile for the first time since they’d arrived at the hospital.
“What?!” she defended. “I’m just saying if they’re gonna give me drugs, they might as well give me the good ones. That’s all.”
Brent shook his head good-humoredly at his mother. When her smile relaxed, he squeezed her hand in seriousness.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked.
“Yes,” she reassured. After a long moment she carried on. “But you’re not. So, when are you going to tell me what’s eating you up?”
He thought about protesting but she pinned him with one of those mother-knows-all stares and he knew it was futile.
“It’s Mackenna,” he said with a weary sigh. “We’re not exactly speaking right now.”
“Why not?” she prodded. “You said your visit was great.”
“It was,” he began then made a grimace. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to let his mother in on all of the details. “Until I did something stupid.”
“What did you do?” her voice carried the edge of authority.
“I kissed her.”
Alora stared long and hard at her son with a stern visage until she could not contain her excitement anymore and she burst out laughing. She clapped her hands gleefully and then reached them up to the sky, as if appealing to the Lord above.
“Hallelujah! Praise God!” she exclaimed as Brent looked on in shock. “I was beginning to think you’d never wise up and do that!”
“Uh, mom,” Brent interrupted. “Did I mention that we’re not speaking right now?”
“Well, go on then and tell me what you did to mess it up because Mackenna would welcome a kiss from you, believe me!”
“You’re wrong,” he said and Alora’s features drew down suspiciously.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “That girl is as smitten as I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m telling you, Mom, you’re wrong.” Brent was starting to get angry. “She locked herself in the bathroom and cried and then refused to speak of it, even when I tried to apologize. She wouldn’t even look me in the eye. It’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from her. We used to talk every night.”
Alora’s brow was firmly wrinkled now as she pursed her lips in thought.
“Now, that doesn’t make any sense at all,” she mused.
“It does if you just accept that you’re wrong about her having feelings for me,” he countered.
She sighed and shook her head woefully. “I was so sure.”
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
She gazed lovingly at her boy. “I’m sorry you’re hurt, son.”
“Hurt?” he stammered. “I’m not hurt.”
“Sure you are. You obviously wanted her to return your feelings.”
“My feelings?” he snorted.
“Oh, come on now,” she leveled. “If you don’t have feelings for her then why did you kiss her?”
Brent stood up and began pacing, if only to avoid his mother’s searching eyes. “Because she’s beautiful, and she was there, and I was there, and it felt right at the time.” He huffed a hot breath. “But it sure didn’t feel right a moment later. And now I think I’ve screwed up the friendship.”
“I don’t believe for one second that your kiss was a spontaneous impulse,” she said firmly. “You care for her.”
“Of course I care for her,” he snapped. “She’s one of the best people I know, and she’s become a close friend.”
“Do you love her, Brent?” she asked, not sure of the answer. He paused and searched his soul for the truth and gave the answer as he believed it.
“No.” After a long moment he added, “But I could.” Saying it out loud made it more of a reality and it rattled him into pacing yet again and spouting from the mouth. “But the whole thing is just pointless. Her life is there. Mine is here. She doesn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be there. So, why kiss her? What’s the goddamned point of having feelings?”
After he settled down, he realized that he had taken the Lord’s name in vain in front of his mother and he swiftly apologized. Alora watched as he struggled to comprehend his own thoughts and emotions and she stared angrily at her dead legs. She knew Brent only stayed for her and she hated herself for that. He needed Mackenna in his life. Since they’d struck up their friendship, Brent had changed. He had grown happier and more relaxed. He stopped taking life so seriously. Feelings or no, that girl was good for him.
“Brent,” she said. “It sounds to me like you need to reach out to her.”
“But what if she doesn’t want me to?”
“Then, she’ll tell you. Mackenna has never had a problem telling you what was on her mind before, has she?”
He shook his head and smiled at the many memories that filled his head in response to that question.
“If you want her in your life,” Alora continued, “then don’t wait and make her come to you. That’s the girl’s job.” She finished with a soft grin.
He nodded, grateful for the calm and sensible words of his mother.
“I will,” he said. “As soon as I get some free time, I will.”
Chapter 21
Free time came a week later. He was home. Alora was asleep and he was determined to sit in front of the computer until Mackenna signed onto the Internet. He would wait all night if he had to. He thought about emailing, but it was too impersonal. He thought about calling but it was too personal. No, the instant messenger was where it began and it was the way he wanted to reconnect.
Just as he started to drift off to sleep the jingle he’d been waiting for startled him awake. She had signed on, and his fingers moved with lightning speed over the keys as he typed out a greeting. He hit the send button and waited anxiously for her reply. To his relief it was instantaneous.
Mackenna had been shocked to see him online after a month without contact. When his message popped onto her screen she nearly fell out of her chair. She scrambled to reply, wanting to make sure that they connected before he could sign off. When the back-and-forths continued for a few volleys, she began to relax out of her worry.
Brent: Sorry I’ve been so quiet. We’ve been calving out here and that takes up a ton of time.
Mackenna: No problem! I know how busy you are. I’ve been pretty busy myself. My first year is about wrapped up. I’ve already got some summer courses lined up.
Brent: No slowing you down at all.
Mackenna: You think I want to eat Ramen forever?
Brent: I hope not.
Mackenna: How’s your Mom? Ty and the rest of the McCraes? I haven’t heard from Kelly or Leslie in a while so I have no idea how things are up there.
Brent: Ty’s good. He and Leslie are getting pretty close. Don’t be surprised to hear wedding bells soon for them. The rest of the McCraes are doing good. You know them: all hale and hearty. Mom’s…okay. She had a bit of a scare with her heart recently but they got it under control with meds.
Mackenna: Oh my gosh! So sorry to hear about Alora! Please tell her I’m thinking of her and she’s in my prayers.
Bre
nt: Thanks! Will do.
Mackenna: How are you doing with it?
Brent: I’m fine. As long as mom is okay, I’m okay.
Mackenna: Good. SO…Ty and Leslie tying the knot, huh?
Brent: Think so.
Mackenna: That’s great!
Brent: Yep. So, Mackenna…
Mackenna: So, Brent…
Brent: I know you didn’t want to talk about it, but I feel really bad about that kiss. I don’t want it to mess up our friendship.
There was a pause as Mackenna read the line over and over again. That kiss…as if that’s all there was. She wanted to scream at the computer that it was a hell of a lot more than a kiss. How should she respond? She knew that she was standing on the precipice of a crucial moment. He obviously wished that it had never happened and was looking for reassurance that she felt the same.
But she didn’t. She didn’t regret that kiss one bit. She regretted her words and the effects they had on Brent. If she had to do it over again, she would have kept her mouth shut and figured it out for herself. She couldn’t redo it, though, and Brent was making it clear that it would never happen again. So, she said the thing that she believed would save their friendship.
Mackenna: Don’t worry about it Brent. We were both just swept up in the moment. I know it
didn’t mean anything.
As soon as she sent the message she cringed at the lie. Brent read the words and reeled like he’d been slapped in the face. So, it had meant nothing to her? She had merely been reacting? He felt the tumult inside of relief battling disappointment to learn that she cared for him only as a friend. At least he now knew where she stood and he could think and act appropriately.
Brent: Great. I’m glad we’re both on the same page.
Just like that, the past month had been erased and their former routine returned. As the months flew by, Brent felt the intense memories of their kisses fade until they were nearly impotent. In fact, he found their friendship so solid that the idea of struggling over romantic feelings for her seemed laughable. She was his pal and nothing more. The idea of ever touching her in such a way seemed foreign to him, and being able to let all of that go was extremely liberating.
When she had called him on his birthday in early November, what started out as a simple salutation turned into a two-hour conversation and from then on their computers were abandoned in favor of the cell phone. An unexpected benefit that Mackenna found from the switch was that it allowed her opportunities to speak with Alora from time to time and her friendship with the woman grew as well.
Christmas came and brought with it a package to Mackenna from Brent and Alora. As she ripped open the wrapping, she laughed out loud to find the interior filled with Oriental-flavored Ramen noodles. Brent had scribbled a note that read:
Thought you could switch it up and go with a different flavor. Don’t worry – your real present should arrive shortly.
Love,
Brent and Alora
A second package did come and it contained a hand-knitted scarf and beanie from Alora and a smaller box from Brent. Mackenna opened it to find a silver chain with a tiny sapphire pendant. She gasped as she dangled it in front of her face, finding it the most beautiful piece of jewelry she’d ever owned. She put it on immediately and read the accompanied note.
I saw this and thought of your eyes. Did you know that Montana is the only state that mines sapphires? Merry Christmas!
Love,
Brent
She held the note up to her heart and breathed a contented breath.
“I do love you, Brent,” she said to herself.
When Brent finally called her that night, he thanked her for the gifts she’d sent him and his mom. His box had contained a deck of cards along with an instruction booklet on how to play black jack, a hard hat and a bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that she’d had her mother buy. Her note thanked him again for a wonderful birthday.
By the time the new semester started for Mackenna in January, she was only a year and another summer away from her bachelor’s degree. She had already decided where her post-graduation studies would lead: Montana. She knew that Brent could never leave Alora, and she would never want him to. They had grown so close that she truly believed in her heart that if they were just near each other, in the same city, that they would spark like wildfire.
Though they had never spoken of that morning in her apartment again, they had flirted often enough and spoken freely enough of sex, in general, that she suspected he was harboring similar feelings toward her. Her heart warned her to hold back, to abandon hope in that regard, but it was wholly against her nature. She hoped with wild abandon that he loved her as she did him. She believed that he could if he didn’t already. She just needed to get to Montana.
Having built up such a foolproof plan and such a promising future backfired devastatingly on Mackenna when she picked up the phone that night to an excited Brent on the other line spouting words she never dreamed she’d hear.
“I’ve met someone.”
Chapter 22
Brent wasn’t sure if anything would come of his first date with Leann, but when one turned into two, which turned into three, he knew that it had potential. When the fourth date was decided upon, he felt the budding relationship was solid enough to tell Mackenna. He had omitted information about Leann in their previous conversations in case things hadn’t worked out. He didn’t want to subject himself to her relentless teasing.
As he waited on the phone for her response, he heard the line go dead. A second later it was filled with the erratic screeching that told him they had been disconnected. He hung up and dialed her number again. After four rings, she picked it up.
“What happened?” Brent asked.
"Uh…we just lost connection somehow. Not sure.” She sounded upset.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “I’m just coming down with something so my throat’s a little raw.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. “Did you hear what I said before we lost connection?”
“You met someone.”
“Yeah.” She could hear the smile in his voice.
“And?”
“And she’s so great. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”
“Meet her?”
“Yeah, at the wedding.”
“You’re getting married!?!” Mackenna felt her heart stop beating completely until he answered.
“No! Ty and Leslie are! Did you not get your invitation?”
She had, in fact, just that day.
“Oh, yes I did. Sorry, I forgot.”
“Man, you must really be sick. You’re out of it.”
“Yeah, I am,” she answered. “So, I’m going to let you go and go to sleep. Okay?”
Disappointment washed over him. They had barely started talking and he had so much to tell her. Still, he could hear that she was unwell and it would be selfish of him to keep her talking when it burdened her throat. So, he wished her a swift recovery and bid her good night.
Mackenna held the phone up to her ear long after his voice had gone. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t even cry. When they’d spoken, every word from her mouth threatened to unleash a torrent of tears. Now that he was gone, her tears stayed lodged in her throat and behind her eyes, waiting for the tiniest crack to let them out.
Instead of the heartache she had expected, she filled with rage. How dare he? How dare he reel her in with such an intimate friendship, stoking her love for him, only to throw ice water on the flames with a declaration like that? How dare he ignite her body beneath his hands and mouth then leave her wanting? How dare he send her beautiful jewelry and ramen in a perfect jest? How dare he extract so much from her mind and heart and not know that she was desperately in love with him?
What did he expect? Did he think she would be happy that he’d found himself a tart to tangle with? Did he think she would jump with joy to know that he was offering himself to some
one else after she had waited so patiently? After she had given so unconditionally and completely? The more sensible side of her interjected that the woman he’d met could be lovely but she quickly pushed the thought aside. As far as Mackenna was concerned she was an immoral, idiotic, grasping bimbo who probably had a tight ass and more boobs than brains.
Soon, rage gave way to reason. Of course Brent would want to share such news with her. They were best friends. Friends, and nothing more to him. Any feelings of love had been imagined, and Mackenna finally dropped her phone as the all-too-familiar and ugly sting of rejection crept into her again. Her friendship was about to be tested by his new relationship.
She told herself that she was being selfish to deny him happiness if he could find it elsewhere. She told herself that it was wrong to ignore him simply because she hadn’t gotten what she’d wanted. But Lord help her, she didn’t think she could share in the details of his happiness with another woman without coming out on the other end in shreds. That very thought was all it took to break the dam, and the tears finally came.
He tapped his fingers restlessly on the wooden bar. Leann was twenty-five minutes late and she hadn’t called. He was beginning to wonder whether he was being stood up or whether something had happened to her. The place was filling rapidly with people, crowding in to escape the cold. If she didn’t arrive in five minutes, they would lose their table. He looked expectantly at the door for the tenth time. The man sitting next to him followed his gaze and let out a loose, drunken laugh.
“I think you’ve been stood up, my friend.”
Brent scowled and turned away. Another frustrated minute past and he looked toward the door again. Finally, she came through. Her long dark hair swirled around her face as the wind blew in behind her. His first emotion was relief, but it was followed swiftly by irritation when she stood chatting to the hostess, taking a long time to remove her dress coat and scarf. A few more moments of banter passed between them before she headed in Brent’s direction.