by Alice Raine
‘You see what she’s like? We shared one kiss on set and she’s gone insane!’ Savannah screeched. ‘I told you a relationship with a normal person was crazy, you need someone who understands the business, Sean, you need …’ but Sean cut her off with a glower that was so terrifying that even I took a step back.
‘Stop telling me what I need, and leave us the hell alone. Allie’s not the crazy one here.’
That statement had Savannah floundering. From the crestfallen look on her face – her recently slapped and still glowing face – I genuinely think that she had expected him to agree with her and fall into her arms. Was she delusional?
‘Fine. I’ll fucking sue her for attacking me.’ The words were barely out of Savannah’s puckered little mouth when Sean grabbed her wrist and dragged her to within an inch of his face. He looked murderous, and as I watched Savannah squirming and flinching, I almost felt sorry for her. Pah! Who was I kidding? I didn’t feel sorry for her at all.
‘You will not sue anyone. You know very well that all of this is your fault. Get some dignity, Savannah. I’m with Allie. I choose her. Now go inside, get your make-up touched up, and leave us alone.’
He chooses me.
Even in the midst of all this fucked-up-ness, those words made my heart constrict with so much love that it was almost painful enough to make me double over and clutch at my chest.
Savannah hesitated for one second, her eyes darting between me and Sean one last time before she blinked, nodded once, and turned on her heel to wobble away. Her step was far less sure now, the sultry sway absent from her hips as she struggled with her balance. Maybe my slap had knocked some sense into her.
Once Savannah was back inside, Sean turned to me, his eyes blazing and intent as he focused on me again. ‘Fucking hell, what a mess. I have to say though, seeing you get possessive over me was really hot.’ Sean moved quickly, capturing my head with one hand and swooping his lips towards mine. Lips I usually craved, but lips that had recently been locked with Savannah’s, and that grisly image was enough to cause me to freak out for the second time in just a few minutes.
‘Get off me!’ My hands were flapping uselessly at his chest and my voice was high-pitched and squeaky as panic well and truly set in. ‘Don’t you dare kiss me when you’ve just had your tongue down her throat!’
Sean stepped back instantly, his hands rising in a conciliatory gesture and a look of utter shock on his face before he subconsciously wiped his mouth with the back of one hand. I couldn’t see any lingering evidence of their kiss, but it was the thought of it that shook me up.
‘Jesus, Allie, it’s not like that at all. It was a stage kiss, we didn’t even use tongues.’ His left eye flinched slightly, and his shoulders slumped as he swallowed so hard that I heard it. ‘Well, I didn’t …’
So as well as fondling his arse, stroking his arms, and sucking on his lips Savannah had thrust her tongue into my man’s mouth. Ugh. That was too much information, and I wished I had slapped her harder. Far, far, harder.
‘I can’t believe I didn’t realise her intentions sooner. You kept telling me to watch out for her but I just didn’t see it.’ He suddenly looked broken, and the temptation to console him nearly overwhelmed me.
Shaking his head, Sean approached me again, stopping just inches away, but he made no attempt to touch me this time. ‘Look, Allie, I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding. I've never considered what it must be like from your side of things. But you have to believe me, what happens out there,’ he indicated to the film set behind us with a jerk of his thumb, ‘is just work. It means nothing, it's just my job.’
I knew this, I did, but it wasn’t just a job for Savannah. It was a challenge, and I didn’t seem to be able to separate it. In my mind, all I could see was a continual replay of his passionate and fiery embrace with Savannah, their lips locked and hands clawing at each other’s bodies, and the victorious smirk that had crossed her face after she’d shoved her tongue in his mouth.
‘I know,’ I answered croakily. ‘But I keep seeing you and her together …’ I decided to just be completely honest with him. ‘I feel like I’m dying inside.’ That caused his expression to slip into a mask of agony before he spun and seemed to scrub at his face with his hands.
‘If it were the other way around, how would you feel?’ I asked softly, thinking his answer might help me to justify how I felt inside, and help him understand what I was going through.
Swinging back around to face me, Sean’s eyes were wide and intent. ‘If I had to watch someone else kiss you?’ His hands clenched at his sides and I heard his teeth squeak as he ground them together. ‘I’d kill him.’ Blowing out a long breath, he rubbed at his eyes and dropped his arm limply to his side. ‘And I’d probably hope that you’d quit your job.’
We both stood in silence before Sean nodded with determination. ‘I’ll do it. I’ll quit. That will solve all our problems.’ Although I had to say the idea did hold some temptation for me because he would no longer have to see Savannah, I couldn’t live with myself if I let him do something so monumentally impulsive.
‘No, wait.’ I sighed heavily. ‘You can’t quit, Sean. It might seem like the best solution now, but what about in a year’s time? Or two, or ten, when you miss it? You might start to resent me for it, and that would be the end of us. Think about it seriously for a second or two. You love your job, don’t you?’
Sean linked his hands at the back of his neck as he ran my words through his head. ‘I do,’ he agreed. ‘But I don’t see any other solution. There’s still weeks left until the premiere of the new season when Finlay says I can go to the press. Weeks.’ The implications made me feel sick to my core – weeks of him being with Savannah, weeks of that bitch thinking she’d won, weeks of misery.
‘I hate that I’m the one hurting you,’ he murmured, his haunted expression an exact reflection of how I felt inside.
Lifting a hand, he held it out to me, obviously hoping that I would accept it. Instead, I shook my head rapidly, not sure how we should, or could, progress from here. Unfortunately I could only see one possible solution. ‘I need to think really hard about all of this. Dating you … someone famous … I told you at the start that I thought it was a crazy idea.’ I knew my words weren’t the ones he wanted to hear, but they were the best I could offer without giving up my own needs and sanity too.
‘Fuck!’ Sean threw both of his hands up into his hair, gripping it as if he desperately needed something to hold on to. ‘I hate that my lifestyle is making you feel like this, Allie, but please don’t run from me. You promised you wouldn’t, but you keep running.’
My shoulders slumped at the truth in his words. I did keep running, but I think I’d had some pretty valid reasons: finding out my boyfriend was engaged to his co-star, then being told they still fucked, and now, witnessing how determined she was to win, not to mention how much chemistry they had, and how perfect they looked together. I felt well and truly like a dowdy spare part.
I was shredded. This was just all too much. I’d had emotional spats with past boyfriends, but nothing could have prepared me for how much this hurt. ‘It’s just too painful. I … I don’t think I can do it any more,’ I whispered finally.
There was a second of stunned silence, and it hung between us like a thick, clogging fog. ‘What are you saying? Are you … are you breaking up with me?’ he asked, his voice a barely audible whisper.
When he said it like that, it sounded so horrifically permanent and I started to feel panic rise in my veins.
Was I breaking it off with him?
Resolutely holding my composure, just, I rolled my lips between my teeth and considered the alternative – a relationship with Sean and Savannah, his so-called fiancée and a woman who had it in for me big time. It wouldn’t stop. She wouldn’t stop.
‘I …’ I couldn’t vocalise it, no matter how hard I tried the words wouldn’t quite come. ‘Maybe. For now. I just need some space to think.’
There was complete silence as Sean stared at me open-mouthed, and then nodded, looking completely defeated. ‘Maybe this is for the best. I just keep hurting you, and I hate that.’
My heart just about exploded in my chest and I sucked in a wheezy breath as Sean’s eyes flickered shut and clenched. ‘I fuck everything up,’ he murmured, his shoulders sinking. It was highly possible that he was tempted to kill Savannah for ruining things. It would certainly clear the way if Savannah was out of the picture. But she wasn’t, and seeing as he worked with her, she never would be completely gone, would she?
‘I knew this would happen. I can never manage to take care of the people I care for most. I’m such a fuck-up.’ He choked on the words, his voice hitched and breathless as if he was on the verge of tears, and judging from his glassy eyes, he was.
My heart clenched. He wasn’t fucked-up, he just had a strange, possessive perspective on things. One of them being me. And as for not being able to take care of me? He could do it perfectly when we were together just the two of us, it was just out here in the big wide world where our weaknesses had been exposed.
We’d had such an amazing time together in the UK, but here, these past few weeks? Yeah, there had been some highs, but there had been some tough, tough times too. Hollywood put a whole different slant on our relationship, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to survive it.
Suddenly, Sean became agitated and started to fidget, chewing on his lip and scrubbing at his scalp with his fingertips. ‘Fuck! What the hell am I saying? I can’t lose you, Allie. I can’t. There’s got to be another way.’ Pacing three strides, he spun back to face me. ‘When I asked if you were breaking up with me you said “Maybe, for now.” So how about we just have a break until the season premiere? Until this shit with Savannah is sorted?’
A break.
I didn’t want to lose him, but I didn’t want to lose myself either. Perhaps a break could work? But even without Savannah on the scene there would always be women ogling him, thinking that because he put himself in the public eye that they had some claim to him. From today’s little display it was clear that jealousy and me were not a good mix. I could still feel its lingering remnants swirling bitterly in my stomach.
What it all came down to was simple – could I really deal with this? Was I just too normal to cope with dating a TV star? Or too possessive and protective? Could I handle the horrendous jealousy attached to being involved with someone like Sean?
‘Please, Allie. What we have is too special to give up on. You see me out there acting for all and sundry to watch, but you have to believe me when I say that I am unconditionally one-hundred per cent yours,’ after this statement he paused, blushing, and gave a self-conscious shrug.
I had to admit that even I was a little blown away by his last remark.
One-hundred per cent was a lot. It was everything.
Blimey. Gazing up at Sean's hopeful face, I felt rather shell-shocked, but Sean remained silent, allowing me to form my own conclusions. Unfortunately, decisions weren't presenting themselves readily to me and as a result my mind was reeling. The best response I could give was a tight-lipped stare and a hopeless shrug.
‘I totally understand why you need space until I go to the press, I do. It would kill me too. If things were reversed I’d need to distance myself from it as well. But what do you say? Can we call it a temporary break, and not an actual break-up?’
‘Honestly?’ I questioned weakly. ‘I don’t know.’
My mind was clearing marginally now and as I looked at Sean’s crestfallen face, I knew that I needed space and time to process everything. ‘I need some time. I promise I'll call when I've had some space to think.’
Any further words I may have said were stopped as Finlay James appeared from the studio door with a face like thunder. Apparently he wasn’t used to being ignored and wasn't going to stand for it one second longer.
‘Please don’t call me, Sean … I’ll be in touch when I’m ready,’ I whispered weakly, feeling like a complete cow, but knowing that if he called me later when I was alone and sad and vulnerable that I would probably crumble.
‘Sean …’ Finlay’s voice was menacingly low and didn’t need any more words to make his point clear – he was mad, and not prepared to wait a millisecond longer.
Sean hesitated, looking desperately at me before cursing loudly and throwing his hands into the air in defeat. ‘Fine, OK … no pressure. I won't call,’ he murmured, but even though he was agreeing to my request, all I could do was look at him despairingly before turning on my heel and walking away.
Hot tears began to stream down my cheeks almost as soon as I turned away from him, but I was stopped from sobbing by the sound of an almighty crash behind me, and a loud wail.
Spinning in panic, I looked back to see Sean flailing his arms in apparent distress, one hand smashing into a wooden studio sign in the process before he collapsed to his knees and thrust his hands into his hair.
The misery pouring from him was palpable, and incredibly shocking, and I stood frozen to the spot as he suddenly ceased his howling and turned his eyes towards me. From the way he had just been acting I had maybe expected to see anger on his face, but as soon as he registered that I had stopped in my tracks, his face softened, crumpled, into a look of complete defeat and distress that was enough to choke me up.
Blinking twice, he then nodded at me with sad acceptance, got wearily to his feet and turned away, shaking out his bleeding hand and stalking towards Finlay.
Oh God. What had we done? And more importantly, what the hell was I going to do?
THIRTY-TWO
Sean
Stalking back inside the studio, I stopped by the side of the stage to catch my breath. As I sucked in several deep gulps I belatedly realised that the entire room had fallen silent. I saw every pair of eyes focused on me, mostly looking wide and alarmed, and casting curious glances at my hand.
Dropping my gaze I realised why I was drawing so many looks – my right hand had a large crimson gouge in it from where I had accidentally hit the sign and it was dripping blood all over the floor. Belatedly, I began to feel the throbbing of pain in it and winced before tentatively giving my sore fingers a wiggle. Fuck. From the deep ache I guessed I’d broken at least one bone if not more.
Glancing to my right, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and grimaced. As well as the bloodied hand I looked a complete state. My face was ashen, my hair a dishevelled mess, and my clothes splattered with dark blobs of my own blood.
Allie was gone.
The realisation hit me so hard that my legs gave way and I sank into a crouched position. She’d left me. Fuck. I wasn’t sure I could deal with this. Especially not now, surrounded by a room full of gawking people.
‘For fuck’s sake.’ Finlay was cursing loudly in the uptight way that only an impatient director could when he’d just seen his lead star have a breakdown on set. ‘Clear out. Everyone take the rest of the day off.’ His smartly-clad feet entered my downcast vision as I heard people begin to move around, but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. ‘What the fuck, Sean?’
I couldn’t speak. All I could focus on was Allie’s broken expression as she’d walked away. I’d done that to her. Fucking fuck. The one person I’d wanted to pull close and hold on to and I’d pushed her away. I was such an idiot.
A second later, Finlay’s shoes were joined by another set of feet, these ones dressed in strappy red sandals and attached to thin, tanned ankles.
‘Sean, darrrrrling, you’re bleeding … can I help?’ Hearing Savannah’s sickly tones had me thrusting to my feet like a rocket and glaring at her.
Allie hadn’t left because of me. This wasn’t my fault. The pain that Allie and I felt was Savannah’s doing, and that was something I was determined to deal with right away.
‘Don’t even fucking speak to me,’ I snarled, causing her to recoil away from me. Her cheek was still reddened from Allie’s slap, which I gained a small amount
of pleasure from, but I was so furious with her that I could barely contain myself.
Turning to Finlay, I shook my head defiantly as my face pulled into a grimace of determination. ‘This farce ends now, Finlay. Arrange a press conference so I can come clean to the public about our engagement.’
‘Sean, the end of the season is just a few weeks away, let’s leave it until then …’ Any other words he was about to say got cut off by the manic roar that spiralled up my throat and echoed from the walls.
‘No! No more lies! Arrange the press conference, and make it soon, or I’ll do it myself.’
‘OK, OK … It’ll take a week. I need to make sure the right people are there.’ I saw a flinch of remorse on Finlay’s face, which was fairly amazing seeing as he was usually so hard-nosed and closed off. Savannah reacted too, a brief look of undisguised joy crossing her face at my distress and making me want to hit her. But I didn’t, I would never hit a woman. I’d have to cherish the memory of Allie slapping her instead. I did, however, know one way I could hurt her.
‘And she,’ I jabbed a finger in Savannah’s direction, ‘needs to leave the show, or I will.’
Finlay and Savannah drew in shocked gasps, Savannah being the first to regain her composure and speak. ‘Sean, don’t overreact …’
I didn’t even give Savannah the satisfaction of looking in her direction, instead choosing to speak as if she wasn’t in the room. ‘I’ll finish filming this season with her, but I refuse to speak to her again. I mean it. She goes, or I do. It’s your choice, Finlay. Call me when the press conference is arranged. I’m taking a few days off.’
And with that I turned on my heel and stalked out of the studio, wondering how my life had ever got so crazy. Allie, she was the reason, and I loved how crazy my life was with her in it. I just hoped, with everything I had in me, that I’d be able to get her back.