“Oh, I can’t even … .” Landon looked weary as he dropped his forehead into his hand. “Why is this happening?”
“We really should’ve seen this coming,” Thistle noted. “There was no way we were going to get out of this world without seeing all of Aunt Tillie’s enemies. It’s too much fun for her to use their likenesses when it comes to stuff like this.”
“I think that means we’re nowhere near being done,” I said. “You just know we’re going to see Aunt Willa and Rosemary before it’s all said and done.”
“And probably Lila, too,” Clove said. “Still … Mrs. Little makes a fabulous woman with a man’s brain in her body. I think it was inspired casting.”
Thistle nodded sagely. “Yes, I’m impressed, too.”
“Stop talking,” Landon snapped. “I don’t want to be in this scene any longer. It’s ridiculous. Brain transplants aren’t real.”
“Oh, they’re real,” Sandy intoned, rubbing her protruding belly. If it was even possible, she looked bigger than she had seconds before. “Our baby will be here soon, Jericho. Prepare yourself to be a father.”
“I’m not watching that,” Landon announced. “It’s not going to happen. If that old bat thinks I’m watching this … .”
“You watched me being born once,” I reminded him. “You liked that.”
“Because it was you and I didn’t focus too hard on your mother’s lady parts in that memory,” Landon shot back. “Seeing you born was magical. Seeing whatever happens here is going to be gross, goofy and too much for me to take.”
He had a point. “Okay. We’ll keep going.”
“Oh, you’re not going to keep going,” Mrs. Little announced. “I won’t allow it. I have plans for all of you.”
“What kind of plans?” Sam asked. “Are you going to transplant our brains, too? If so, I want to look like George Clooney when you’re done.”
“Oh, that’s a really great choice,” Clove enthused. “I love George Clooney.”
“You love me more, right?”
Clove nodded without hesitation. “Absolutely.”
“Stop talking!” Mrs. Little bellowed. “You’re ruining the moment.”
“Yeah, we’re not participating in the moment,” Landon announced, grabbing my hand and dragging me away from the crazy people in the center of the hallway. “We have someplace to be. It was lovely seeing the both of you. We’ll have to meet for coffee eventually … at a time far, far down the road.”
“I won’t let you escape,” Mrs. Little shrieked, raising her hand to show off what looked to be a wicked-looking scalpel. “It’s time to create a different world!”
My mouth dropped open as Mrs. Little raced forward. “Are we in a horror movie now?”
No one answered. No one had time to answer. Out of nowhere, a fissure opened in the hallway – one that barely offered any shake or sound – and Mrs. Little dropped into it before she even got close to us.
“What was that?” Landon practically exploded as he raced forward and stared into the crevice. “This is like a huge crack. It goes down hundreds of feet.”
“I think this happened on General Hospital,” Clove noted. “One of the supervillains had a son and he was hidden in a crack beneath the hospital for decades. I remember Aunt Tillie saying that she would totally like to hide her enemies in a crack beneath Hemlock Cove.”
“I guess she finally got her chance,” I supplied, shaking my head. “That was weird, huh?”
“You’re just now getting that?” Landon challenged.
“It was totally weird,” Thistle confirmed. “It was still kind of fun. Although … is anybody worried that Aunt Tillie might really try to transplant her brain into someone else’s body so she never dies? That totally sounds like something she would do.”
It was a ridiculous thought, and yet … . “We’ll make sure she doesn’t have any creepy brain jars in her room when we get out of this.”
Thistle nodded, solemn. “Good plan.”
That crazy villain lady just cursed the wedding party. It was totally cheesy and she didn’t even rhyme. I still like her style.
– Aunt Tillie finds her soap opera spirit animal
Ten
Once we recovered from Mrs. Little’s disappearance, we left Sandy to gnash her teeth and scream about bloody vengeance. Aunt Tillie’s giggles continued until we reached the end of a hallway, and when we opened the door and stepped through it we found ourselves in an entirely different location.
Landon was baffled. “What the … ?”
I tilted my head to the side as I studied the large living room. Just to make sure, I glanced over my shoulder and found the door we’d walked through seconds before was gone.
“Apparently this is a magical soap opera world,” I offered, pursing my lips. “Does anyone recognize this set?”
Thistle moved to a cabinet on a nearby wall and stared at the framed photographs on display. “No, but we’re in these photos.”
I moved closer, raising my eyebrows as I focused on a photo that showed Landon and me standing in front of a large building. The bricks were brown and as far as I could tell, it looked to be something of a communal apartment complex. “Hmm.”
Landon looked over my shoulder. “If we’re taking photographs together, how am I working undercover in this world? I don’t get it.”
“You’re far too practical,” Thistle said. “Soaps rewrite the rules whenever it suits them. If the writers kill off a character because the actor wants to leave, for example, then they simply bring him or her back through some contrived occurrence later if the actor decides he wants to return. It’s a thing. You need to get used to it if you’re going to adapt to this world.”
“I don’t want to adapt to this world. It’s a stupid world.”
“We still need to get through it,” I reminded him. “I’m sorry about this, by the way. I’m sorry you have to go through it.”
Landon’s expression softened. “Bay, we’ve been over this a hundred times. This isn’t your fault. Whenever this happens – and it seems to happen quite often these days – I don’t blame you. I need you to know that.”
“I do know that. It almost makes things worse, though.”
“How so?”
I shrugged, conflicted. “If your mother was doing stuff like this to us, I don’t think I would be as forgiving as you. I like to think I would be, but I can’t see how I wouldn’t get frustrated.”
“I’m plenty frustrated. I’m simply not frustrated with you. Aunt Tillie did this, not you.”
“I know.” I rubbed my hand over my forehead. “You still have a right to be angry.”
“Oh, I’m angry. I’m so angry at that woman I can barely see straight. But I’m not going to take it out on you. That’s unfair, and I won’t do it.” Landon moved his hands to my shoulders and started rubbing. “This is as hard for you as it is for me, but there’s no reason to turn on each other.”
I leaned into him, thankful for a quiet moment even though I knew the storm would return … and fast. “Thanks.”
“I love you, Bay.” Landon pressed a kiss to my cheek. “That won’t change because you have a crazy great-aunt. I promise.”
“I love you, too.”
We lapsed into amiable silence and stared at the photo.
“At least we look happy,” Landon said after a beat. “I still don’t understand how I can bring the woman I’m supposedly having an affair with – the wife of the man I’m investigating – to an apartment complex. It makes absolutely no sense.”
“You’re thinking about it too hard,” Marcus said. “You need to relax your brain.”
“Or transplant it into someone else’s head,” Sam suggested.
The lame joke caused Landon to smile. “It’s easier for you guys. You haven’t been smacked across the face, had drinks dumped on you or had your shirt ripped off multiple times. Aunt Tillie is purposely going after me in this one.”
“She always goes after you wi
th a vengeance,” Thistle pointed out. “It’s one of her favorite sports. You shouldn’t take it personally. It simply means she considers you an official member of the family.”
“How do you figure that?”
“She always goes hardest after family. Heck, she made Clove a naughty nurse and gave me a really old husband to be mean. She gave Bay a husband who likes to pinch. She can’t help herself. To her, this is fun.”
“It’s not going to be fun when I get my hands on her.”
“Oh, I’m right there with you.” Thistle’s grin was evil. “That old biddy better hope I never get out of here, because if I do I’ll make her pay like she’s never paid before. If she thought the ants in the pants spell was bad, she ain’t seen nothing yet.”
“That’s exactly how we ended up here,” I pointed out. “She’s nowhere near done with us either.”
“That’s downright terrifying,” Landon muttered, resting his hand on my shoulder. “Okay, we’re clearly here for a reason – and I doubt it’s to look at photographs – so we need to split up and look around.”
Sam balked. “Are you sure splitting up is a good idea?”
“Are you afraid?”
“No, I just don’t want to miss whatever mistress you’ve got hidden in this place coming out and ripping your shirt off,” Sam shot back, causing Clove and Thistle to snicker while Marcus bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing.
“Ha, ha.” Landon grabbed my hand. “I don’t find this funny. While I know Aunt Tillie gets her jollies out of messing with us, I’m not a cheater. I don’t like it that she sees me that way.”
Even though I felt he was being a bit theatrical, I couldn’t help taking pity on him. “Landon, she doesn’t see you as a cheater. It’s just … slapping and drink throwing are soap staples. They happen all the time.”
“Yes, but they’re only happening to me in this world.”
“Because that’s the story she built for you. I’m sorry it keeps happening. I’ll try to stop the next one before she gets a chance to slap the crap out of you.”
“No.” Landon shook his head. “I don’t want you stepping in front of me. You might get hurt.”
“I’ve already been slapped.”
“And I’m ticked about it.” Landon gripped my hand tighter. “We need to figure out exactly what we’re supposed to be learning here. Stay together as couples but spread out. She won’t let us leave until we figure out whatever it is we’re supposed to discover while in this location.”
“While I agree that she wants us here for a reason, I’m not sure it’s to learn something as much as play out a leg of her story,” Thistle cautioned. “It’s not like the fairy tale world. There aren’t little life lessons knit into the seams of the narrative. This world is about her having fun. She doesn’t necessarily want to teach us a lesson as much as she wants to torture us.”
I hadn’t really given it much thought until Thistle laid it out, but what she said made a lot of sense. “She doesn’t always want to teach us. Thistle is right on that. Sometimes she simply wants to entertain herself.”
“And you think that’s what this is?” Landon asked.
I shrugged. I really wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. We need to be careful and look around. Even if she isn’t teaching us something, we’ll have to jump through the appropriate hoop to move on.”
“Okay, let’s do it.” Landon tugged me close. “Be careful. We have no idea what kind of crazy person is hiding here. Given what happened in the last scene, this one could be downright deadly.”
“WOULD YOU LIKE SOME tea and cookies?”
The woman Landon and I found when we entered the kitchen was a blast from the past.
“Edith?”
She turned, her smile pleasant and welcoming. “Did you say something, dear?”
“That might not be her name here,” Landon whispered.
I nodded, understanding. I hadn’t seen Edith in months. When I last saw her, she’d been a ghost. Technically, I never knew her as anything other than a ghost. She was a former classmate of Aunt Tillie’s who died young. Her ghost haunted The Whistler for years, but I finally sent her on her way after the truth regarding her death came to light.
I thought when I said my goodbyes that I wouldn’t miss her, and that was true. I was angry toward the end. Some of the things Edith did in life – the things that led up to her murder – were downright despicable. I was ready to wash my hands of her at the time, yet … I couldn’t deny it was good to see her.
“Do you live here?” I sat at the homey kitchen table and accepted the ornate teacup from Edith.
“It’s my home,” Edith replied. “I own the building and rent rooms to a variety of young men and women who are just starting out in life.” She winked at Landon. “Like Jericho here. Did you know he’s an undercover police officer working to take down a mob kingpin?”
Landon opened his mouth, I’m sure to say something derogatory about Jericho’s undercover skills, but I shook my head to silence him.
“I heard something like that.” I sipped the tea. It was good, warm and soothing going down. Whatever could be said about Aunt Tillie’s worlds, I could never deny there was a certain authenticity behind them that deserved admiration. “How long have you owned this building?”
“Forever. At least I think that’s how long.” Edith’s smile was bemused. “What are you doing here, Jericho? I thought you had a full shift at the mobster’s mansion today.”
“See, there’s no way an undercover officer would tell his landlady that,” Landon complained.
I patted his hand. “I guess it’s good that you’re not an undercover officer on a soap opera then, huh?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Landon rolled his neck until it cracked. “I came down with a bout of amnesia so I got the day off.”
“Oh, that’s terrible.” Edith wrinkled her nose. “I think I have a bottle of Amnesia Bismol around here. That should cure you. Do you want me to look for it?”
“Um … .” Landon was caught off guard by the question. “Sure. Why not?”
Edith’s faux smile never faded as she shuffled from the room. I waited until I was certain she was out of earshot to speak. “It’s weird to see her.”
Landon’s hand moved to the back of my neck, his fingers working tirelessly to ease the tension there. “Does it upset you to see her?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. The last time I saw her … .”
“You haven’t talked a lot about that,” Landon noted. “I didn’t want to push because I figured it was hard on you. If you want to talk about it, though, I’m here.”
“You’re always here.” I sent him a warm smile. “I don’t know how I feel about it. It seems somehow pointed that Aunt Tillie used her for this world, though, doesn’t it? Do you think it’s a dig at me?”
“Actually, I think it’s the opposite.”
“You do?”
Landon nodded. “I think Aunt Tillie probably wanted you to see Edith in a quiet environment.”
“What if Edith turns out to be evil?”
“Then I’ll have to readjust my thinking.”
“Fair enough.”
We lapsed into silence when we heard feet shuffling, and when Edith returned she was empty-handed.
“I could’ve sworn I had a bottle around, but I can’t seem to find it,” Edith supplied. “You might want to check your room, Jericho. I think you were the last one to use it three weeks ago when you had that bout of amnesia after falling off a bridge.”
Landon’s mouth dropped open. “I fell off a bridge?”
“Well, you were saving the woman you love from certain death thanks to a car bomb.” Edith sent me a fond smile. “You were a hero. You didn’t even seem to mind the amnesia.”
“Oh, well, that sounds … plausible.” Landon made a face. “I don’t suppose you could point me in the direction of my room, could you?”
Even though he was supposed to have amnesia, that seemed an
odd request. “I’m sure we can find it ourselves.”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous.” Edith waved off my worry. “That’s what I’m here for. As a woman of a certain age, my only reason for living is to act as a sounding board to those who are younger than me. It’s normal in Camelot Falls. Your room is the second on the left, Jericho. The stairs are right over there.”
“Thanks.” Landon drew me to my feet. “I’ll bring the bottle back down if we find it.”
“That sounds lovely.”
I paused at the door, casting a glance over my shoulder and watching as Edith happily drank her tea, seemingly unbothered by … well … everything. “I know you won’t really hear this, but I guess I’ve wanted to say it for a bit.”
Edith looked intrigued. “And what’s that, dear?”
“I’m not sorry I sent you away. I am sorry things were so bad for you at the end, though. I hope … I hope you found peace on the other side.”
“I’m sure I did, dear. You shouldn’t trouble yourself over such things. It makes you a kvetch, and nobody likes a kvetch.”
The corners of my mouth tipped down. “Right. Well, have a good afterlife.”
“Yes, yes. Enjoy your trip upstairs, dear.”
This time when I turned my back on Edith I did it with a clearer conscience. Sure, it wasn’t her, but I didn’t feel the weight of my actions dragging me down. It was better.
“I guess this trip wasn’t a total loss, huh?” Landon smiled as he led me to the second floor. “You got a little closure. That’s good.”
“I guess it is.”
I followed Landon to the room Edith indicated, and when he opened the door I couldn’t stop my laughter from bubbling up. Landon’s expression revealed a mixture of fury and amazement as he scanned the room.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
I don’t know what I expected. In the back of my mind I thought it would be a simple room with a bed. Instead I found a round bed with a furry pink comforter, a power ballad emanating from … somewhere, and a centered disco ball swirling hundreds of hearts across the purple walls. The room looked like something straight out of a porn shoot.
All My Witches Page 10