by Roni Teson
“I’ve got a feeling things are going to be changing real soon,” her dad whispered.
“Can you hear what I’m thinking, too?”
“Too?” her dad asked.
“The girls can hear me when I think.”
“I can’t hear what you’re thinking. I’m watching your face and your brow is furrowed together in an intense stress pattern. I understand that you’d like to get on with your life.”
“Well, now that’s interesting.” Angel opened her eyes and lifted her head as she spoke, “Since I’ve been dead for twenty years or so.”
“Angel, as you of all people should know, death is not the end.”
“Well it certainly isn’t life as we know it.” She giggled nervously.
“That’s a fact, isn’t it?” Her dad winked.
“Where’s Mom? Where is it that people go when they die?” Angel asked.
“As I said, your mom calls it `home,’ and that’s about all she’ll share with me, other than … `You’ll see for yourself, Joe …. you’ll see for yourself.’” He mimicked her mom’s voice.
“Why is it such a secret?” Angel asked.
“I think it’s indescribable and that’s why it seems like a secret she won’t tell. No word can capture the feeling and the look of the other side—or as your mother calls it, `home.’ My personal belief is that the years spent in the flesh, on earth, is like a speck of time on the other side. Or better said, time doesn’t exist over there—no deadlines or schedules.” Angel could see in his eyes some of the fear she herself had—and some of the eagerness she used to feel as well.
“Your mother is waiting for her family, and somehow she’s found the ability to watch out for each of us, and this is a rare feat, I imagine. When we do arrive, I think that to her it’ll be like it happened right after she got there, too, and not twenty, thirty, or forty years later. I’m in my sixties, and looking back now, my life went by like that.” Joe snapped his fingers.
‘“I wonder about it all, you know … Why even be born into the flesh?” Angel asked him.
“It’s the circle of life. Learning and loving. I’ve been told being human is the most difficult job in the universe,” Joe answered.
“I know, so why bother?” Angel’s lip started to form itself into her little girl pout.
“It’s also supposed to be the most rewarding job in the universe,” her dad answered.
Angel put her head back down and closed her eyes. A moment later, she felt the lift of the cloud when her father left. She didn’t bother to open her eyes and say good-bye at that point because she knew the cloud would be empty. With her chin tucked into her neck, Angel curled up in a ball and fell asleep. After what seemed like hours, and because she was a creature of habit, Angel woke up, and within seconds found herself in Teresa’s home.
A predawn light leaked through the shades of the living room. Angel knew the house wasn’t haunted by anyone except her, and as she became more aware of herself, she also became more aware of the environment around her. Although she couldn’t see everything in the house right this second with her own eyes, she could feel the truth of what was here—down to the very core of her being. Without looking in their bedrooms, she knew that both JJ and Teresa were asleep.
What if she could enter Teresa’s dream, or JJ’s, as her father had asked?
In less than a split second, Angel drifted over Teresa, who slumbered quietly in her bed. Angel hadn’t a clue how to make a go of this, but she felt the urge to try. She floated directly above Teresa and slowly guided her body down, lower and lower, all the while focusing on entering the living body that lay peacefully below her. It wasn’t a task Angel had attempted often, or even ever before, her soul merging with another breathing human being. But once again, she somehow knew it could be done.
Within moments Angel felt cramped in a tight spot that had poor visibility. Suddenly, she sensed another presence push up against her in an attempt to shove her out.
Hey, I just got here. I’m not leaving yet, Angel thought as she struggled to stay inside of the narrow space. She believed Teresa’s soul, perhaps unconsciously, was trying to protect her territory. In wrestling to remain in place, Angel stretched her left arm straight up as a sort of anchor onto the spot she’d settled in. Amazingly, this caused Teresa’s arm to dart up, too. A shocked Teresa opened her eyes, and it was at this point that Angel’s vision became much clearer, though not as omni-directional as it was outside of the human body. She realized she was seeing the world through her sister’s eyes, and that she controlled the arm. Angel put Teresa’s hand in front of Teresa’s face and wiggled the fingers. Yes, she definitely controlled the arm.
For the first time in years, Angel felt what it was like to be in the flesh again—if only for a fleeting moment. Teresa closed her eyes, breathed in deeply through her nostrils, and Angel smelled the cleanness of the house. Teresa stretched her legs, yawned, and rolled over to her side. Angel felt every heavy movement the body made.
“Go and see Dad,” Angel whispered.
In her sleep, Teresa completed a turn that felt like a flip, shifting her body to the other side. Angel felt the sensation of the pillow on her check and the blanket landing back down on Teresa’s body. With all the energy Angel could muster, she focused on her dad and his recent visit with her. Angel repeated to Teresa the conversation she’d had with her father in the cloud earlier that evening. She hoped by doing this the images and words would be able to enter Teresa’s dreams.
“Tell him to describe his visit to the cloud, and he’ll dictate exactly what I shared with you. He’ll confirm this craziness is true,” Angel said.
Exhausted once again, but happy to have experienced some of the human senses Angel had taken for granted when she was in the flesh, she exited Teresa’s body by imagining herself in her usual state. At the moment she escaped the confinement, a loud pop left an unpleasant ringing noise in her ears—a sound, Angel hoped, that only she could hear.
How wonderful being light again felt. Though she’d only spent a few minutes in Teresa’s body, the constraint of that tight place had been horrible. The heaviness of the body, too, was almost as disturbing as the confinement—but smelling the scents of the house had been pleasurable.
Angel went to JJ’s room; she wanted to give him a sign as well, but hesitated. She had no desire to squeeze into the enclosed space of a human body anytime soon. Angel stood next to JJ and put her face up to his eyes, which appeared to be in full REM mode.
“Wake up so I can tell you about your gramps!” Angel yelled.
Angel jumped back as JJ’s eyes opened. “Shoot,” she said. “You scared me.”
JJ closed his eyes and rolled to his side. “Oh, he didn’t hear me,” Angel whispered. “Well I’ll sit next to your ear, JJ, and talk to you about your family. I guess you can think of me as your Aunt Angela. Please call me Angel …” For the next hour, Angel told JJ about the cloud, her pups, her dad, and some piecemeal memories of her mom and Teresa.
She had no idea if he’d remember a single bit of what she shared, though telling him all this seemed like a good idea, and the words flowed from her mouth as easily as water from the kitchen faucet. Her mind raced while her mouth hurried to keep up. Finally talking, when mostly she just listened and watched, felt good. So Angel spoke to him until the alarm clock went off, and then she waited to see the effect of her efforts.
As JJ and Teresa got ready for the day, Angel hung back to allow them their privacy. She floated around the door and watched both mother and son eventually exit the house.
CHAPTER 20
THE PRIEST ENTERED THE HOSPITAL EARLY, before sunrise. Although Father Benjamin had said his last good-bye to Juan already, he’d felt a tug, as his mother would’ve called it, to drop everything and go at once to the hospital. He couldn’t validate whether this was a pull of curiosity, because he did want t
o know what happened with Juan’s family, or if the tugging was a simple need to see his friend again.
A weight lifted from Father Benjamin’s shoulders as soon as he entered the room and realized Juan was still alive and at this early hour, awake.
“Well, how are you my friend?” Father Benjamin asked with a smile on his face as he approached Juan’s bed.
“I’ve seen better days.” Juan squinted. “It’s bright in here.”
The priest turned off the lights. “You must be sensitive to light.”
“Thank you. For the prayer.”
Father Benjamin’s cheeks burned with heat, his voice filled with excitement. “You heard me?”
“Sort of,” Juan said. “I can’t explain it, but I was pulled back. I know how you feel, and I appreciate it.”
“Did you go back to the pit from Hell?” the priest asked.
“No. It was Angela this time,” Juan said.
“I’m sure that’s an interesting story. What about Jessie and Teresa? How’d it go?”
Juan smiled, filling in his sunken cheeks. “Funny you should ask that question. I managed to anger both Jessie and Teresa yesterday. Both were here on separate visits and both left in a hurry after I’d annoyed them. I’ve got a way with words, Father.”
Father Benjamin sat in the chair next to Juan’s bed knowing he was spending time with a man who had few precious hours left on this earth. Yet Juan seemed to have energy and awareness in his corner this morning—kind of like a second wind. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“You did great, Marcus—better than I could’ve expected. I want you to know, you’re like a brother to me, and you were right. I should’ve handled this a long time ago.”
He reached out toward the priest, who immediately grabbed the offered hand.
“I’m ashamed of my behavior toward you. It’s not in my nature to be so judgmental. I’m sorry. I’m glad I got the chance to say this to you while you’re …” he hesitated. “… awake.”
Juan smiled and retracted his hand. “Father, I’d like to continue planning for when I’m gone. Cremate my body and hang on to my ashes until the day Teresa will want them. I think it might be a while, but I know you’ll have no issue placing me in a vase up on a shelf.” Juan’s breaths appeared short but he somehow managed to chuckle.
“Yes, I’ll take care of it. I’m sure Father Kramer will have an issue with the cremation, but I’ll handle it.” Father Benjamin thought about his peers for a moment but decided to save Juan from putting any energy into this issue.
“Oh, yeah, the Catholic Church and all. I should’ve thought about that. Well, if ten years go by and she doesn’t claim me than you should dump me in the ocean.” Juan laughed again. “It sounds kind of funny.”
“Brave is a better word.” The priest was overwhelmed with sadness. He swallowed in an effort to hold back his tears, and it seemed to work.
“Oh, Father Marcus Benjamin, there’s nothing brave about me. You’re turning into a softy. It wasn’t but a few days ago you were ready to tan my hide.”
Juan turned his head toward the window, then pushed the buttons on the remote. After his body was propped up, he moved a hand to his brow and wiped his forehead. “I’ve kept some unusual events from you, Father. Things that have happened to me over the years.”
“The voices, the nightmares. I’m sure there was more to it than just that,” the priest said to encourage his friend to speak. This wasn’t confession, but he wanted Juan to relieve his mind.
“Well, yeah. I guess I did share some of it with you,” Juan whispered.
“Have you had any pain medicine?” Father Benjamin asked.
“Willa gave me something last night and they’re going to put me on the morphine pump today. I wanted a clear head to talk to Teresa and Jessie, and to meet JJ, though I don’t think it helped. I doubt they’ll be back. But I’ve made my own peace. I’m ready to go.”
Father Benjamin remembered the waiting room fiasco about five years before, when Juan was left to drown in his own bile. At the time he would never have thought they’d work side by side and become such good friends.
“Do you want your last rites?” the priest asked. He had come ready for just that.
“No, no. I’m thinking I’ve got a little life left in me and I don’t want you to jinx it.” Juan winked. “Don’t you find it strange—I’m talking one second, and the next second I could be dead.”
“Yes, death is difficult to deal with. I’m glad you’ve had some type of a warning.” Father Benjamin looked down at the floor. He’d attended dying parishioners before, but this was harder. This touched him personally.
“I appreciate you seeing me as a friend and not a priest.”
Father Benjamin smiled. Although Juan never admitted it, the priest knew that he prayed and believed in God. Juan worshipped in his own way, and that was okay with the priest. It had created some controversy with the elder clergymen, but they had gotten over it. A big part of their distaste dissipated when they learned Juan was working out on Skid Row, a job many of the folks at the church shied away from. It was okay for them to turn their backs on what they deemed Juan’s “lack of faith” as long as he was doing their dirty work.
At least that was Father Benjamin’s view of their hypocrisy. The priest silently reprimanded himself for being judgmental again.
“Any news on the General?” Juan asked.
“No. I keep thinking he’ll show up for dinner, but nothing,” the priest responded bringing his mind back to those poor souls he felt responsible for.
“Did we ever check the shelters across town, out of his area?” Juan put the back of his hand on his forehead. His breathing was labored.
“A couple of the gals made some calls. Why are you asking? You should be more focused on yourself, now.”
“That’s funny, Father.” Juan chuckled and then coughed. “Most of my life was all about me, which is why I’m in this situation.”
The priest spoke in a hushed tone. “Not really, Juan. You give yourself no credit for the last five years.” And surely God forgave Juan for all his decades of alcoholism when he wasn’t able to help even himself.
Juan ignored the priest’s prodding. “Well, I think the General is inside. Some kind of confined space.”
“What makes you think this? Did you have a vision?” Father Benjamin resisted the urge to laugh.
“Now you’re making fun of me like no priest ever should.” Juan somehow managed to wave a finger at the priest and then wink. “Angela did. She had the vision.”
The priest laughed and Juan joined him as well as he was able. “I’m sorry, it’s not funny,” said the father. “I’m trying to deal with my best friend’s death.”
“It’s okay. I can take it. I’m a big boy.” Juan’s tone sounded condescending to Father Benjamin.
The priest laughed harder, and Juan appeared to be attempting to join him in his laughter, but he paused and coughed a while. “Hey, Father, I think you’re taking twenty minutes off of my life making me laugh.” Juan snickered and then cringed slightly as if from pain.
“Well, at least you go down with a smile on your face.” Father Benjamin couldn’t believe he’d said something so insensitive.
“You got that right!” Juan winced as his voice rose up.
“After all, laughter is the best medicine.” The priest chuckled, hoping that was true and that he hadn’t added to Juan’s discomfort.
“I do feel a lot better,” Juan said, and then with a sober look on his face he continued. “No, really, I do.”
Father Benjamin sat up straighter in his chair and tried to focus on the more serious matter of Juan’s death. “Laughing is also a defense mechanism, isn’t it?” he observed.
“Well, yes. But it was more fun not thinking about that part of it. You know? It’s hard
to believe my life’s almost over,” Juan murmured. His legs moved restlessly under the covers.
“Well, if you go soon, maybe you can find out where the General is and somehow tell me.” The priest wanted to take his words back as soon as they left his mouth. “I’m sorry, that was a really bad joke.”
“I’ll tell you what, Father, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”
The words removed the smile from Father Benjamin’s face. “Yep,” he responded.
“Well, it’s all I’ve been dealing with for the last week. A part of me wants my simple life back.” He offered a weak smile.
Father Benjamin sat quietly and listened.
“I know it’s pathetic, but I had my routines. I felt safe. Now, I’m scared,” Juan said.
“For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end,” Father Benjamin whispered. He knew this was true, but he imagined he, too, would be frightened when leaving this familiar world for the next.
“No, no, don’t start, please,” Juan requested. He seemed to lie more heavily against his pillows, and he closed his eyes.
Father Benjamin sighed, sat in silence with his friend, and prayed for him.
CHAPTER 21
JESSIE OPENED HER LEFT EYE AND saw the tattered black and white essay book sitting on her nightstand. Darn, she’d hoped all of it had been her imagination at work, but she couldn’t be that lucky. Joe was back and definitely leaving chaos in his wake.
She sat up in bed and reached for her clock since a small bowl she’d used for popcorn last night along with the paper wrappers from her Big Hunk candy blocked her view. Joe had really rocked her world. She hadn’t eaten that late in years, and such junk to top it off.
The clock displayed 5:00 a.m. Why was she up so early? Usually she slept in later and stayed up late. As she began to age, she’d noticed she needed fewer hours of sleep at night, but yet her energy levels seemed to be diminishing. So difficult getting old—something that her brother, Joe, wouldn’t have to worry about.