She heard a deep sigh on Jerry’s end. “I’ll ask you again, Cathy. What is it you want?”
“I told you,” she said. “I wanted to apologize. It’s up to you. You can accept it or not. Your call. I just wanted to offer it.”
She heard the click on the other end and knew he had hung up. She knew she shouldn’t feel this way, but the severed line of communication gave her relief. She lay back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, wishing she could see God’s face there. Was he nodding that she had been obedient and done the right thing, or was he shaking his head because she still didn’t get it?
“I’m trying, Lord,” she whispered. “I’m trying, but I need your help.”
Wednesday she could go and visit Mark. She wondered if he’d had anything to eat today or if he was too upset to choke anything down. Sometimes when he pouted, he went for days without eating. She remembered when he was much younger, when she and Jerry had told the kids they were getting a divorce, she had heard Mark a little while later throwing up in the bathroom. She wondered if he was throwing up now.
She heard a knock on the door and called, “Come in.” Annie opened the door.
“Mom, I was just wondering. Can I go with you to see Mark Wednesday?”
Cathy saw that she had been crying, too. Her eyes were as red and swollen as Cathy’s. The thought surprised her. Besides apathy, Annie’s main emotion concerning Mark was disgust. She never missed an opportunity to insult him, and one of her favorite pastimes was making him feel like an idiot. Why would she cry for him now? She supposed that was the paradox of siblings. They loved each other, even when they didn’t act like it.
“Annie, I think I need to go by myself the first time. There are going to be plenty of times when Mark’s going to need to see you, but I think right now he’s probably too upset.”
Annie swallowed hard and looked at her mother with misty eyes. “Mom, what am I going to tell people?”
“I guess the best thing would be the truth. It’s going to come out anyway, if they don’t know already.”
“But when I think about having a brother who’s been convicted of a crime, I just think of scumbags and sleazeballs. Not Mark. He’s just some little mixed-up kid. He doesn’t know any better.”
“He knows better,” Cathy said. “He absolutely knows better. Don’t ever fool yourself into thinking he doesn’t.”
“But, Mom, he’s just dumb, that’s all. He does stupid things. He always has. He shouldn’t have to pay with a year of his life.”
“Well, maybe if I’d made him pay a little more when he broke those little rules, the government wouldn’t have to make him pay now.”
Annie wiped her eyes. “Well, I guess that means you’re going to really crack down on Rick and me now. Turn into some kind of Hitler.”
The thought had crossed Cathy’s mind. “No, honey, I’m not going to do that. You don’t have to worry. You haven’t done anything wrong, and neither you nor Rick is headed for prison.”
“Well, thank you for that, at least,” Annie said, falling onto the bed next to her mother. “I’m glad you agree. As a matter of fact, I’ve spent most of the day patting myself on the back ‘cause I’m not in jail.”
Cathy almost laughed, but the humor quickly melted into despair. Annie hugged her. It was something the girl rarely initiated, and it moved her. “I can’t believe he did this on the day of your shower,” Annie said. “That was really low.”
Cathy laughed without humor. “There’s really no good time to break the law and wind up in jail.”
When Annie went back to her room, Cathy went to bed and stared at the ceiling, wishing for sleep. But it wouldn’t come. Peace was a gift that God had withdrawn from her. She didn’t know if she’d get it back in the next year.
CHAPTER
Eighteen
Wednesday finally came, and as Cathy prepared for her first visit with her son in prison, she took great pains with her appearance. She knew that her grief would be apparent on her face, but at least she could look like someone who knew how to get along in society. She didn’t want anyone mistaking her for the mother of a houseful of criminals.
How would they process the visitors? Would they take her purse and search her clothes? Would she have to pass through a metal detector? Would she be able to sit side by side with Mark, hug him, kiss his cheek, cry with him? Or would they have them separated by glass and make them talk on telephones? How was a mother to behave when she visited her son in juvenile detention?
All of those questions would be answered soon enough. And she knew Amy Vanderbilt hadn’t covered them in her etiquette book. Steve had asked to go with her, but Cathy had felt it was best if she went alone this first time. Mark would want to vent, and she didn’t want anyone there to interfere with his freedom in doing so. But she had to admit, the thought of going alone terrified her.
She would just have to feel her way through this, and pray that God would accompany her every step of the way.
Because it wasn’t a maximum security prison, the guards only made the visitors walk through metal detectors and asked them to leave their bags in a holding room. Anything they wanted to bring to the inmates had to be approved, and to get it approved, they were forced to stand in a long line in a poorly ventilated room.
But Cathy hadn’t brought Mark anything, so she went into the visitation room and took a table. She was the first one there, and she looked around, thankful that she would be allowed to sit at a table with her child and hug him, even though the guard had given them each a stern warning about public displays of affection. That couldn’t apply to mothers—if so, the guard would just have to call her down.
She sat fidgeting at the table as other visitors came into the room to wait for the inmates to come in. A teenaged mother of three took a chair at the back of the room. The baby cried a hungry cry, but the girl ignored it as she tried to keep her two- and three-year-olds corralled.
Next to her table, a grandmother came in with a stack of books she had gotten permission to bring. At another table, two boys who looked like they might belong here themselves slouched in chairs tipped back on two legs.
The door opened, and a guard began escorting inmates in. She watched their faces, watched them head for their families. When Mark stepped into the doorway, she almost didn’t recognize him. She hadn’t been prepared for the shaved head. It startled her, and she knew her surprise showed on her face.
She got up and waited for him to approach her, and all the emotions of the day he’d been arraigned came rushing up again. She reached out for him, but he shook her off.
“Don’t touch me.”
Without waiting for her reaction, he stormed to the table, scraped a chair back, and dropped into it. Wearily, Cathy accepted his rebuff and sat down.
“Mark, how are you?”
His eyes bored into hers. “Look what you got me into.”
Cathy sat back. “I got you into? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the guilty plea. You’re the one who made me do that, and if I hadn’t, maybe I would have gotten off. A year, Mom! I’m in here for a year! Do you have any idea what this place is like?” He lowered his voice as he looked around. “These other guys, they’d just as soon slit my throat as look at me. The same kind of people you wouldn’t let me hang around with before, now I’ve got to live with them. They put me in this big room with like a hundred other guys. I’ll never have any privacy. I can’t keep any stuff because they’ll take it. I have this tiny little locker where I can keep my shoes at night when I sleep. And a change of these stupid orange pants. I can’t believe you did this to me!”
“Mark, I didn’t do this to you,” Cathy said. “You did this to yourself. You broke the law. The guilty plea was a gamble. You’re right. We didn’t know what we should have done. Nobody had any answers or guarantees. We did the thing that we thought was best.”
“So are you going to appeal this or what?” Mark asked.
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sp; Cathy’s head was beginning to throb. “Honey, there’s nothing to appeal. You got caught red-handed. You pled guilty. The prosecutor has lots of evidence. The judge has made a ruling.”
“But I can’t stay here, Mom!” He burst into tears and grabbed her hand. “Mom, please. If you’ll just get me out of here, I swear I’ll never do it again. I’ll never see those guys again. I’ll just hang around with Daniel ‘cause he never gets into any trouble. And I’ll study hard and I’ll make straight A’s with Miss Brenda. You’ll see. I’ll start helping you in the clinic every day for free. And I’ll keep my room clean and I’ll even start supper sometimes. Please, Mom!”
As hard as she tried, Cathy couldn’t hold back her tears. “Mark, there’s nothing I can do. Don’t you understand?”
“Of course there’s something you can do,” Mark said. “You’re my mother. They can’t decide where I live. I have the right to live with my family.”
“You don’t have any rights when you break the law,” she said. “You gave up those rights when you decided to sell those drugs.”
He pressed both fists against his temples. “If this is one of those lessons where you’re trying to teach me something, trying to scare me to death so I’ll straighten up, it’s working, okay? You can stop it now. You can just go tell the guy that I’m finished, I’m changing. I’ll do anything I have to do, but please get me out of here.”
“Mark, this is not something I’ve chosen for you. You’re stuck here for a year, because of what you did, not because of anything else. And, honey, I know it’s horrible. I know you never even dreamed that this could happen. But it did. And I’m not able to do anything about it.”
“I wish they had the death penalty for something like this,” he said. “Maybe I’ll just kill myself and get it all over with. Then I won’t be a bother to you or Dad or anybody, anymore.”
“Mark, don’t talk like that.”
“Why not?” he said. “Why should I care? If I’ve got to spend the next year of my life in this place, I might as well be dead. A year is practically an eternity.”
“No, it’s not an eternity,” Cathy said. “Do you want to know what eternity is? Eternity is a billion times longer than the sentence you’re serving in here, and then some. And, Mark, when you do die you’re going to stand face-to-face with God. Whether it’s sooner or later, I’m not going to be able to stand there with you any more than I was able to stand with you in front of that judge.”
“Don’t talk to me about God,” Mark said. “If God cared about me, I wouldn’t be here in this stupid place.”
“God does care about you, Mark,” Cathy said, “and he’s a better parent than I am. If I had any power at all, I’d jerk you out of here so fast these people wouldn’t know what hit them. But I don’t have that power. I don’t have any power at all.”
She rubbed her face and tried to calm herself down. “Come on, Mark, can’t you just tell me about the place? What’s it like? Who are the people in that room with you? What are they here for?”
“Want to know what it’s like, Mom?” he asked. “They treat me like dirt, that’s what. And then they put me in the room with more dirt. And what are those guys in for? For acting like dirt. And for the next year that’s all I’ll be. Dirt. And when I come out, I’ll still be dirt.”
“You’re not dirt, Mark,” Cathy said. “You are my son.”
“Well, enjoy it, Mom, because your house will be empty as soon as Annie goes to college. Then you won’t have me to kick around anymore. It’ll be just you and the empty house. Oh, and yeah, your new husband and his perfect kid. This is pretty convenient, isn’t it? Get rid of the kid who’s probably going to make the most problems in your marriage. Then you don’t have to be bothered.”
Cathy felt as if he had struck her. She sat back hard in her chair and gaped at him through her tears. “Mark, I know you’re upset,” she managed to choke out, “but you can’t possibly think for a minute that either of us wished this on you. I did everything I could to keep you away from kids like that, to keep you from walking down the wrong path, but you went anyway, Mark. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t Steve’s fault.”
She felt that tugging on her heart and obeyed it. “And it wasn’t your father’s fault either,” she added. “It was your fault, Mark. And if you don’t own up to it, you’re never going to get over this. Never. It will be the longest year you’ve ever lived.”
Mark drew in a deep breath as if filling himself with strength, then pushed himself up out of his chair. “I guess I’ll just have to do what I can to get along here,” he said.
“What does that mean?” Cathy asked.
“That means I’ll act like dirt. I’ll be what everybody expects.” Then he turned around and headed back to the guard.
Cathy tried to stop him. “Mark, don’t go. Come on back. We can talk.” Some of the others turned and looked, and she sank back down, trying to be less conspicuous.
“I don’t have anything left to say to you, Mom.” His emphasis on the word was filled with sarcasm.
As the guard took him back through the metal door, she looked around at the other families visiting at the tables. They looked very much like her. Some were having pleasant conversations. She supposed they were the ones who accepted their plight. Others were crying, just as she was. How had she wound up here? This wasn’t how her life was supposed to turn out. This wasn’t where her son was supposed to be at age fifteen.
Feeling nauseous, she headed to the door, anxious to get out of this place, but devastated that she had to leave her son behind.
CHAPTER
Nineteen
When she got home that night, Steve was sitting in his car, waiting in her driveway for her. As soon as she pulled into her garage, he got out and came to meet her, a look of caution on his face.
“How was your visit?”
She was too tired to cry any more tears, and as she reached out to hug him, she let herself lean on him for the first time since the arraignment. “It was about as bad as you could expect,” she said. “Mark’s blaming everybody, even you.”
“Me?” Steve asked.
“Oh, yeah.” She took his hand and led him inside. She dropped her keys and purse on the table with a clash. “He even had this scenario in his mind that you and I were secretly delighted that this had happened, because when Annie goes off to college it will leave my house empty, then you and I will be free to get married with no problems. The only child in the house will be Tracy. Where is she, by the way?”
Steve seemed momentarily confused, as if he couldn’t concentrate. “Oh—I got a baby-sitter to come stay with her after she went to bed. I wanted to come over and see if you needed me. He actually said that?”
“Yeah, but I think it just came to his head as he was talking,” Cathy said. “He also blamed his friends…and God. And, of course, he blamed me from several different angles. Just one wouldn’t do.” She tried to stop her tears. “I don’t know how I’ll get through this, Steve. I really don’t.”
“I’ll help you,” he whispered. “I’ll be here for you.”
She breathed a laugh and pulled herself away from him. “Steve, you can’t be thinking that we can still get married, can you?”
She saw that look of dread coming across his face. “Of course I am, Cathy. What do you think? That I’m going to call it off just because of what’s happened?”
“No,” she said. “Maybe you should be thinking that I’m going to call it off. I mean, I can’t think about getting married when my son is sitting in a prison.”
“It’s not a prison, Cathy,” he said. “He’ll be all right.”
She knew he didn’t mean to downplay her grief, but the comment made her angry, anyway. “That’s easy for you to say,” she told him. “It’s not your child that’s in there.”
His face instantly softened, and he stepped toward her. “Cathy, I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t grieve. And I hurt when you hurt. I love Mark, too.”
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br /> That made her even angrier. “You can’t love him,” Cathy said. “You don’t love somebody just by saying it. His own father doesn’t even know how to love him.”
He dropped his hands to his sides, frustrated. “What do you want me to say, Cathy?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess maybe we ought to just call off the wedding for now.”
“Until when?” Steve asked. “Cathy, it’s time. Please don’t do this again.”
“It can’t be time,” she said. “Not when my son is in trouble. I can’t think right now, Steve. I can’t plan. Everything feels like it’s just hanging in limbo somewhere, like it’s all going to come crashing down on me.”
He breathed out a laborious sigh, then dropped into a chair and stared at the wall for a moment. Finally, he slapped his hands on the armrests. “All right. We can postpone it, but I won’t call it off. I’m going to marry you, Cathy.”
“Fine,” she said. “We can postpone it. That’s all I want.”
“And you’ll keep wearing the ring?” Steve asked.
She looked down at the diamond he had given her for Christmas over a year ago. It was beautiful and had been such a sweet surprise. Neither of them had known just what they were getting into at the time. The ring sealed the promise they had made to marry each other when the time was right. But she wondered if it ever would be.
“Yes, I’ll keep wearing the ring,” she said. “I just need some time right now. I need for you to understand.”
“I do understand,” he said, and she saw the emotion battling for control of his face. “I’m disappointed. Tracy will be disappointed. Everybody will be. And I don’t really see how waiting will make things easier for you. If we could just combine our households and become man and wife, I could be here with you night and day to support you and be with you when you’re upset. I could help you through this.”
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