‘I would like to be able to carry on seeing you Kate, I think it’s important that we don’t let this situation get out of hand.’
Kate wondered which situation he was talking about, the one where he thought Kate might have someone new in her life or the one where he had jumped into bed with Sandra Maddison and left Kate high and dry because she hadn’t appreciated him enough. She pushed away the unkind thoughts and tried to concentrate.
‘I want us to be able to sit down and talk honestly about our feelings and our life. I don’t mean just every now and then but maybe we could meet up regularly and – well get to know each other again?’
He was watching her, looking for some sign of agreement and Kate nodded slowly.
She would rather he just said, Kate can I come home. She would rather he just say he loved her and ask simply if he could come back. And she really would rather he stopped talking about how she appeared to have let him down in the first place.
But it was all progress. She looked over the table at the face of the man she loved and put her hand back on the table so Alex could stroke her fingers
She smiled, the warmest smile she could summon and looking into the eyes of the man she adored, the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life alongside, she nodded.
‘I think that’s an excellent idea Alex, a really excellent idea.’
Chapter 22
‘He wants you to get to know each other again! You’ve been together for eight years, which bit of you doesn’t he know yet?’
‘It’s actually a very positive step Fee. He’s admitted he made a mistake but he – we don’t want to simply fall back into the same relationship if it wasn’t working.’
‘But you did think it was working.’
‘Well I was obviously wrong,’ snapped Kate. ‘Because if it had been working he wouldn’t have left me in the first place would he?’
Fiona bit her lip. ‘Sorry honey,’ she offered. ‘I suppose I’m just a little bit frustrated on your behalf. I mean he’s admitted he made a mistake and wants to talk about coming home – why on earth doesn’t he just get on with it and come home instead of blabbering on about changes and getting to know you!’
Kate busied herself with the teapot. It was hard to answer Fiona because once the euphoria of the previous evening had worn off she’d spent an unsettled night asking herself much the same. She should be feeling relieved and confident after the hints and promise of the previous night. Instead she was feeling edgy and unsettled, no matter how much she told herself it was all working out.
‘It’s what Google said would happen,’ she offered weakly. ‘We need to put everything behind us and find the person we fell in love with again so we can carry on.’
‘So basically now you’ve apologised and promised to change, he’s thinking about forgiving you and coming home?’
‘No! That’s not what I said Fee.’
‘No, it isn’t what you said but I’ve a feeling that’s what he meant.’
They glared at each other for a moment and then Fiona relented and reached out to hug her friend. ‘I’m sorry Kate, I don’t mean to spoil things for you but I really think he just needs to get on with it now, ask you to forgive him and come home to his family.’
Kate shook her head. ‘He’s coming back,’ she said stubbornly. ‘That’s the main thing Fee. It may not happen today or tomorrow but he is definitely coming back.’
‘And in the meantime,’ Fiona pointed out gently, ‘he’s still living with Sandra Maddison.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, it’s a classic case of having your cake and eating it. He wants to see you, talk about how to make things better between you, maybe start again, but he’s not prepared to actually back himself by moving out of the cosy little set up with Sandra.’
Kate struggled with herself for a moment and stared out of the window.
‘It’s just about timing now,’ she said with a shrug.
‘And you’re okay that he’s living with another woman while he gets to know you again and tries to remember why he fell in love with you?’
Tears were blinding Kate, they gathered large and glistening in her eyes and for a few moments she could see nothing but their shimmering reflection. Kate had been shocked to discover she wasn’t the perfect wife she had tried so hard to become. She had been shocked that her husband had felt alone and unhappy in their marriage. She had promised herself that she would forgive Alex his moment of weakness and she would put all thoughts of Sandra Maddison out of her head, if only he came home. And yet the thought that the two of them had woken up together this morning, in the same bed, arms wrapped around each other, was almost more than she could bear. But she couldn’t let that sway her, she was so close to getting Alex back, she wouldn’t let Sandra Maddison spoil it for her now.
‘He’s coming back Fee, that’s all that matters,’ Kate muttered, tears trickling slowly down her face. ‘That’s all I want.’
Fiona left shortly after leaving Kate to carry on with her preparations to visit her mother and with the weather suddenly much more clement, she packed Millie into her buggy and set off on the long journey.
Marcia was her usual groomed self and as Kate struggled to get the buggy through the doorway she felt as though time had suddenly lurched backwards several years. She’d made no effort to dress for the occasion, she was in jeans and a loose top with her hair scrunched on top of her head and if it hadn’t been for Millie now sitting on her knee, she could have believed the last 8 years simply hadn’t happened. She was the old Kate visiting her mother. Alex had always admired Marcia’s slightly formal sense of dress. Whenever they visited and Marcia greeted them wearing a blue linen shift dress and pearls or a Jaeger cardigan and A line skirt, Alex would always compliment her and point out to Kate how well her mother looked. Gradually Kate took to dressing up for these visits and the first time she had left her jeans on the bedroom floor and put on a wool dress and shiny black knee length boots, Alex had smiled approvingly and made a great deal of fuss about how lovely it was sitting between two such well-presented women.
But today Kate hadn’t felt the need to impress either Alex or her mother and she had simply pulled on her jeans and set off without giving her appearance another thought.
She sat in the living room with Millie on her knee and caught sight of herself in the large ornate mirror over the fireplace. Her mother would no doubt disapprove.
Marcia brought in the tea tray and set it down on the coffee table before giving Kate an assessing glance.
‘You’re looking better,’ she said with a nod.
Kate almost dropped Millie as she stared at her mother who was now pouring the tea.’
‘Much more like your old self.’
Kate didn’t reply, she was staring at her reflection, at the slight hint of colour in her cheeks, at the tousled hair caught in a tortoiseshell clip and the face bare of make-up.
‘I do?’ she asked doubtfully.
There was a gentle pause as Marcia filled the cups and left Kate’s on the table away from Millie’s hands.
‘How are things?’
Kate smiled. ‘Actually Mum, things are going really well?’
Her mother’s eyebrows raised. ‘Alex is back?’
‘Well not exactly, I mean no, he’s not back but we’re talking and he – well he said he’s made a mistake and he wants us to carry on seeing each other and talking about how we move forward.’
Marcia was sipping delicately at her tea making no comment.
‘With a view to getting back together, he wants us to talk about getting back together,’ Kate clarified.
‘I see.’ Her mother smiled, putting down her tea and holding her arms out for Millie. ‘Shall I take her so you can drink your tea darling? Isn’t she growing, such a pretty little thing, much like you were at her age. Hello Millie, come to granny.’
Kate handed her daughter over, wondering if her mother had heard correctly.
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br /> ‘Yes,’ she reiterated, ‘so pretty soon Alex will be back. With me, back with me and Millie.’
Marcia nodded. ‘Well that’s good. If that’s what you want.’
Kate stared at her mother. ‘If that’s what I want? Of course it’s what I want. I mean that’s been the plan all along, to get him back. Why wouldn’t I want it now?’
‘Plan?’
‘Oh, er,’ Kate had a feeling her mother had never even heard of Google let alone was aware of its all-seeing knowledge and wisdom. ‘Well that’s what I had hoped for and I’ve been trying to get Alex to see, well to see…’
‘To see what Kate?’
Kate nibbled her lip. ‘To see that he made a mistake leaving. But that we love each other and we could sort things out and he could come home.’
Marcia nodded. ‘I see.’
‘I thought you’d be pleased,’ blurted Kate. ‘I thought you’d be happy if Alex came home.’
Marcia looked at her daughter as she stroked the blonde curls of her granddaughter.
‘Of course I’m happy Kate, but only if it makes you happy. If you don’t think Alex coming home is the right thing for you then you shouldn’t feel that you have to take him back.’
‘Not the right thing? But Mum – of course it’s the right thing. I love him and he loves me …’
‘So you keep saying dear, but love isn’t always enough. And love alone doesn’t necessarily keep a marriage together.’
Kate stared in bewilderment. ‘But if we love each other then of course it’s right. It’s right for us and for Millie and for – well for everyone.’
Marcia didn’t answer and Kate sat in the silence of the room, a shaft of light coming in through the window and settling on the face of her now sleeping daughter.
‘Don’t you think we’re right for each other?’ Kate asked finally.
She heard the tiniest of sighs coming from her mother, the smallest sound that made Kate sit up a little straighter and lean forward.
‘Mum! You love Alex, you always say what a wonderful son in law he is. Are you trying to tell me you don’t think we’re right for each other? After all this time!’
‘Alex is a perfect son in law,’ Marcia answered calmly. ‘He is most helpful and courteous and quite charming company.’
‘But?’
‘Well if you really insist then no, I don’t actually think you’re right for each other.’
Kate felt as though she had been slapped. She sat, wide eyed staring at her mother sitting calmly opposite and the shock of her words was almost as great as the moment Alex said he was leaving.
‘What?’ whispered Kate. ‘What on earth are you saying?’
Marcia sighed again, this time a heartfelt sigh that filled the room as she touched the pearls at her neck.
‘I knew this conversation wasn’t a good idea,’ she began then broke off as Kate cried out.
‘Mum! What are you talking about?’
Marcia shook her head and then took a deep breath. ‘Kate my dear, your father and I loved each other very much.’ Her eyes softened and she looked past Kate, the tiniest of smiles playing on her lips. ‘I fell in love with him the second I saw him, I loved him madly from that very first moment. But the fact was, we were two very different people and totally unsuited to each other.’
She paused, gazing down at her sleeping grandchild. ‘We knew it would be hard, we were the opposite in everything, we wanted different things from life, we wanted different lives from each other. But we were in love and so we decided that we could make it work.’
Kate held her breath. Until recently she had known almost nothing of her parent’s life together other than the arguments and unhappiness of her childhood.
‘We tried hard.’ A cloud passed across Marcia’s face. ‘But in the end our differences were too great and we started to resent each other. We both found it hard to be someone we were not and eventually it became such a strain on us that it was something we couldn’t recover from. Our differences became exaggerated to the point where we couldn’t live in the same house without causing hurt and sorrow.’
Kate watched her mother’s face, the pain in her eyes and felt a moment of sadness that she had never known the happy young couple who were so much in love.
‘But that’s because you were too different Mum,’ Kate said softly, ‘you said you wanted different things from life. That’s not me and Alex. We were happy, we were in love and we were happy, until this – thing happened.’
Marcia smiled at her daughter. ‘Were you dear? Were you happy?’
‘Of course we were! You saw us, you saw how we lived together for years, happily, wanting the same things, being the same people!’
Maria shook her head. ‘Actually my dear, I didn’t see that. What I saw was my daughter fall in love with someone who was very different to herself. I saw you change to become the person you thought would make him happy, someone very different to the girl I saw grow up.’
Kate shook her head. ‘No.’
‘I saw you stop being the person I knew, and the person Alex had fallen in love with, and become a more subdued version of yourself, constantly adjusting yourself to make Alex happy.’
‘No.’
‘I saw you become an excellent wife and mother but I also saw your spark disappear, slowly extinguish as you changed into the person you thought you should be.’
‘No. No! Stop it, stop it now.’
Kate was on her feet, pacing the room angrily. ‘You told me to change, it wasn’t Alex! You told me to change so I could keep my husband happy.’
A look of bewilderment crossed Marcia’s face. ‘I told you that?’
‘You said I needed to be different. You said that I needed to be able to cook and keep the house clean.’
Kate’s voice was raising, her fingers pointing in her mother’s direction as she spoke. ‘You said that no husband wanted to come home to clutter on the floor and the washing in the sink and – all that stuff. You said I had to change. You said it!’
‘Kate my dear,’ Marcia had laid Millie on the sofa, wedged against the back with a cushion as she stood up and tried to take her daughter in her arms. But Kate pushed her away, stepping back and holding her arms before her defensively. ‘It’s your fault if I changed, your fault Alex left!’ she shouted
‘Kate, please stop!’
Millie whimpered in her sleep and Kate’s hand flew to her mouth in distress.
‘Kate listen to me my darling. I told you that you needed to learn how to cook, and that you should be tidier and that you needed to be more organised. Of course I did – you were a dreadful cook Kate, you could burn a boiled egg!’
Kate had sat back down, her arms wrapped round her shaking body.
‘But those are just everyday habits Kate, they don’t define who we are. You were chronically untidy and chaotically disorganised. And no-one wants to share a house with someone else’s mess. But you were still Kate, you were still my beautiful, happy daughter. Untidy yes, always late, always forgetting something but impulsive, carefree, full of love and - well Kate.’
‘You said I had to change,’ whispered Kate. ‘You said it.’
Marcia touched the pearls at her throat again, her hand shaking. ‘My darling girl I didn’t mean that you should stop being you. You need to be true to yourself Kate, you can’t be someone you’re not, not indefinitely. I tried it, your father tried it and it simply didn’t work. You need to be who you are. I didn’t want you to change, I just wanted you to be a little bit tidier, learn how to cook so you could be as happy as you could possibly be.’
Kate was sitting on the very edge of her chair, her knees drawn upwards. ‘You think Alex left me because I changed?’
‘I don’t know what Alex…’
‘You think I changed, you think I changed and Alex doesn’t love me anymore?’
‘No Kate, I didn’t say that …’
‘Alex did. He said I wasn’t the person he married, that I wasn�
�t full of fun and laughter and – all the things I used to be.’
Kates voice was raw with grief, it had hurt so much hearing the words fall from Alex’s mouth. She had refused to dwell on them, afraid of the pain and anger they would bring but now sitting in her mother’s living room, they surfaced again. Hard and hurtful.
Marcia reached out her hand, her face full of distress at the sight of her daughter in so much pain.
‘I don’t know why Alex left you Kate. And if you love him and want him to come back then I hope it happens. But I want you to be happy my dear, I want you to be happy being you, not the person that Alex wants you to be. Please make sure Alex coming back is what you want and make sure before he comes back or you will end up losing him twice.’
Chapter 23
Kate’s mind was whirling throughout the journey home. Millie was grouchy and wriggly and Kate’s head was pounding by the time she reached her own front door.
She fed Millie and sat her down with her donkey as she sipped on a cup of tea and thought back to the conversation. Her mother’s announcement had left Kate reeling with shock. She had been quietly convinced for the last eight years that given the choice Marcia would have preferred to keep Alex as a family member whilst viewing her daughter as a slight thorn in her side, a rather disquieting presence that she tolerated. Kate was now reeling at her mother’s reservations regarding Kate and Alex’s suitability as partners. How could her mother say such a thing, how could she think for a moment that Kate and Alex were not soul mates, meant to spend the rest of their lives together? Okay, she was right, Kate had changed. But only for the better, because it was necessary to make sure that Alex would love her even more and never want to leave. And the fact that he had left didn’t mean that Kate had been wrong, it just meant she hadn’t tried hard enough. She hadn’t got it quite right. But she could, she just needed a second chance.
Google Your Husband Back: An wonderful tale of love, loss and how to get your husband back! Page 18