by N. L. Greene
I finally gained some sort of composure and looked into Mel’s fearful eyes. I took a deep breath before pasting a fake smile on my face. “It’s okay. I know it wasn’t your fault and I know you would never do anything like that to hurt me. I just don’t understand why he would do that! I thought he liked me.” I gave her a sad smile, but now tears were leaking from my own eyes. It really hurt to discover that someone wasn’t who you thought they were. The betrayal I was feeling was like nothing I had ever felt before. To that point, anyway.
Mel pulled my hands up and wrapped her arms around me. She was the calm one now. “It’s okay, Nat. I’m so happy you aren’t mad at me! I don’t know why Noah did it, but he did say something about you not kissing him. Maybe he was mad at you for that.” She pushed me back to look at my face. “You know boys don’t like a tease.” She said this in a motherly way, as if she were telling me some sort of important life information.
I just nodded my head, unsure of how to respond to that.
“But it’s not a big deal. School starts back in a few weeks, we’ll be in the eighth grade, and there will be plenty of boys for you to pick a new boyfriend from!” Her earlier sadness was completely gone now, replaced by excitement.
Knowing that dwelling on it wasn’t going to fix anything, and also knowing that Mel wouldn’t want to talk about it anymore, I wiped my face clear of tears and pasted another fake smile on my face.
“You’re right. What do you want to do today? I gotta be home by five for dinner,” I told her with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
She rolled her eyes as she threw her legs over the edge of the bed to get up. “It’s so lame that you have to be home for dinner with your family. I mean, you just spent an entire week with them.”
“I know, right?” I answered back, as I scooted back on her bed to wait for her to get dressed.
“Whatever. I guess we’ll just have to do the best we can with the time we have. I do know that I need a cigarette.” She glanced at me slyly. “Now that you don’t have a boyfriend, why don’t you go wake my brother up and bum one from him? I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.” She winked conspiratorially at me, and then turned to her closet to get clothes.
That had been another nice thing about having a boyfriend… Mel hadn’t used me to get stuff from her brother as often. I really didn’t want to start doing it again, but I knew if I didn’t, Mel would get pissed at me. So I climbed off the bed and headed toward James’ room. I knocked softly but he didn’t answer, so I turned the knob slowly and cracked the door open to look down. James’ “bed” was really just a mattress on the floor right beside his door. When I glanced down, his eyes cracked open with a scowl that quickly turned into a heart melting grin when he saw me.
“Hey, Nat,” he said softly; his voice rough from sleep.
“Hey,” I answered nervously.
He patted the bed beside him, motioning for me to sit down, so I left the door cracked and sat beside him. The bed was warm from where James had been lying, and I felt him behind me as he reached his arm around my waist and buried his head against my hip.
“Hmm, nice,” he said softly. “What’s up?” His voice was muffled.
“Nothing, just thought I’d say hey.”
“Hey,” he said again with a chuckle. “How was your trip?”
This sort of affection from James made me uncomfortable, but I also knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose. He wasn’t trying to make me uncomfortable; he just liked me and was being nice. At least that’s what Mel kept telling me every time I tried to bring it up. I just couldn’t tell him that I didn’t feel the same way about him. One, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and two; I knew Mel would be mad if I ruined how she got free cigarettes from him. So I ignored his arm around me and his face touching my hip, and answered his question.
“It was okay, but it sucked to spend so much time with my parents and my sister.” I let out a sigh.
He chuckled again. “Sounds like you need a cigarette.”
That perked me right up. I wouldn’t have to ask for one after all! “God, yes!” I exclaimed.
James chuckled again and rolled over onto his back; his chest bared and the sheet lounging down low on his waist. I quickly turned my eyes away. “They’re over there. Will you get me one too?” He motioned toward his dresser with one arm while covering his eyes with the other.
I jumped up and grabbed the pack, pulling two out before grabbing the lighter and taking them back over to James.
“Thanks baby,” he said when I handed him a cigarette and the lighter. He lit his, and then held the lit lighter out for me to bend over and light mine. I hesitated for a second before doing so, but then bent to let him light mine.
“Thanks,” I said before taking a drag. I was trying to figure out how to escape, when I heard Mel yell for me.
“James! Could you leave my friend alone? I haven’t seen her in like a week! We got stuff to do!”
James rolled his eyes but looked at me. “What are ya’ll doing?”
“I have no idea, but I better go before she comes in and drags me out of here.” I smiled down at him. “Thanks for the cigarette. I’ll see you later.”
“Later.”
I turned and left the room, quickly pulling his door shut behind me before running down the hall, trying to keep my giggles in. I burst into Mel’s room; the door slamming shut behind me, and held the lit cigarette up in triumph. Mel laughed and took it from me while high fiving me at the same time.
“Good job!” she congratulated me, as she grabbed an ashtray from her drawer and set it on the bed. We both climbed onto the bed, opposite of each other, sharing our victory cigarette, and then spent the rest of the day plotting and making plans for how to spend the next two weeks before school started back.
Chapter 4
I didn’t get to enjoy starting the eighth grade quite as much as I thought I would. I kept telling myself that I was over Noah and that I didn’t even care that he’d kissed my best friend. I steadfastly avoided him and didn’t talk to him the rest of the summer, even though he tried to call once or twice. Thankfully Mel kept me pretty busy, so it was a little easier to try and forget what had happened. It hurt so much more than it would have if it had been just some random guy, because I thought he was actually my friend. At first I wanted to confront him and tell him how bad he’d hurt my feelings, but Mel said it wasn’t a good idea. She said you should never let a boy know how much you liked him, and definitely never let him know how much he hurt you. She also said that I should never mistake a guy for a friend. No matter how they acted or what they said, they all just wanted one thing and they’d do whatever they had to do to get it. Even if that meant pretending to be your friend and then kissing your best friend. Mel even offered to call him for me and tell him I wanted to break up with him. She said that since I was the one who dumped him, everyone would assume that he was the one who was hurt or upset, and it would take all the pressure off of me to explain what he did. I definitely didn’t want anyone knowing.
I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it. Don’t get me wrong - I knew I wasn’t in love or anything like that, and I knew that Noah wouldn’t have turned out to be The One, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Having been such good friends with him for a year before all this happened only made things worse. I felt like a loser and a failure, and I just wanted to forget that the whole thing had even happened.
It was a good, solid plan until the first day of school.
Mel and I were on opposite teams again, which meant that we didn’t have a single class together. Noah, though, was in two of my classes again. I was really starting to question my luck, and wonder why I was being punished like this. My only saving grace was that there was a new student whose last name fell right in between ours, so he didn’t have to sit directly behind me all year. I didn’t think I could handle him looking at the back of my head all day, whispering questions in my ear or God forbid, playing with my hair
like he had the year before.
The first week of school Noah tried desperately to talk to me, but I made a point of completely ignoring him. I avoided him in the hall before and after school, I wouldn’t sit at the same table with him during lunch, and I refused to make eye contact before, during, or after the classes we had together. It was exhausting. I felt like a spy peeking around corners or a criminal looking over my shoulder constantly, but by the second week of school he seemed to have finally given up. Or at least that was what I thought, until the end of the week when he cornered me at my locker before classes started, and wouldn’t let me ignore him any longer.
“Nat, will you please talk to me?” he said from behind me, nearly making me drop one of my books.
I gripped the book tighter and tried to answer him as calmly as I could. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Noah.” I looked steadily into my locker as if I couldn’t find the book I was looking for. The one that was in my hand.
“But I want to explain!” he pleaded.
I almost gave in, but then Mel’s words played through my head, telling me not to listen to him. Telling me that he would just lie and try to blame it on me or Mel, as if it had been our fault that he cheated! “I don’t want to hear an explanation, Noah. I don’t want to talk about it at all, in fact.” I slammed my locker shut, wanting to be done with the whole thing, and finally looked at him. I was shocked to see that he looked genuinely sorry. His brown eyes were large with regret, and his body was slumped in defeat. He looked nothing like his usual confident and cool self, but I didn’t waiver. “I would appreciate it if we just forgot the whole thing ever happened. It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway, right?” I shrugged, hoping he would believe my indifferent attitude. I knew that if I didn’t tell him he was forgiven and make him think I was fine, he wouldn’t let it go.
“Umm, ooookay.” He dragged the words out and eyed me as if he didn’t believe me. I held his gaze evenly and bravely, fighting every instinct to squirm and cave under his scrutiny. My heart still ached over the way he’d treated me, and it was killing me to act like he hadn’t hurt me, but it didn’t really matter anymore. What was done was done, and nothing was going to change it or make it better. After what felt like forever, it seemed like he finally believed me when he took a deep breath and asked, “Are we still friends then? Because I know guys say it all the time, but I really, really want us to still be friends, Nat.”
He was right – guys did say that all the time - but I believed him, and as mad at him as I was, I wanted that too. “Yeah, Noah, we are,” I told him on a sigh, relieved that this conversation was finally over and that the outcome had been far better than I thought it would be. It didn’t make everything better, but I felt like I got some sort of closure; like I could move on from it.
He smiled a smile that showed all of his gleaming white teeth, and I couldn’t stop myself from returning it. “Good.” He leaned in and hugged me, a little tighter and longer than he probably should have, but I hugged him back anyway. When I pulled back I noticed several people watching us, probably wondering if we were back together. I knew there were more than a few girls who had been overjoyed to hear that he was single again. Not wanting or needing any more rumors, I pulled back further to put some distance between us. “So I’ll see you in class later?” he asked hopefully, and I could still see the doubt on his face that everything was truly okay between us.
“Yep, see ya later.” I smiled and waved him off. I noticed as his eyes flickered behind me, followed by a frown, before he turned around and headed toward class. I glanced behind me to see Mel scowling and glowering as she headed straight toward me. I wondered briefly why Noah seemed to be so upset with her, but I pushed it away with the rest of those thoughts, vowing to keep them locked away. I walked toward Mel and met her half-way, knowing that I was about to get some sort of lecture on how I should still be mad at Noah or something. Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I stopped a foot or two from Mel so that we were standing face to face.
“What were you two talking about? You’re giving him another chance, aren’t you?” She looked past me to where Noah and I had been standing, and then her eyes swiveled back to me.
“No, Mel. We aren’t getting back together. He just wanted to explain,” I sighed. I was getting tired of having to talk about this all the time.
Her eyes widened and she bit her lip before she asked almost hesitantly, “Did you let him explain? What did he say?”
I raised an eyebrow (or at least tried) at her nervousness, but she didn’t answer my silent question. She just stood there with her eyebrow successfully raised, waiting for me to answer her. I rolled my eyes. “No, I didn’t. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it ever, and that I just wanted to forget the whole thing happened.” I tried to emphasize the fact that I meant that now too, but she didn’t get the hint.
“And he was cool with that?” If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn that Mel was holding her breath; like she was waiting for me to tell her something important.
“What is wrong with you? Why do you look like that?” I asked her instead of answering.
Even though she was looking right at me, she jumped as if I had startled her. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. Why was she so jumpy? She regained her composure quickly though, and slouched a little, looking more like her relaxed self. “What? Nothing’s wrong. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.” She smiled at me, but it was filled with a combination of concern and pity.
My back straightened, her weirdness forgotten. I didn’t want her concern or pity! I hated it when she looked at me like that, like I was a lost cause or something. “I’m fine, Mel. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, okay?” I knew I said it harshly, but I didn’t care.
“I know honey. I just can’t forget how he kissed me and betrayed you like that. I don’t see how you can forgive him so easily.”
There was a slight stab in my heart when she voiced what happened, but I resolutely pushed the feeling away, straightened my shoulders and tilted my chin up. “I know, but I’m fine, and I still want me and Noah to be friends. I have to forgive him if that’s going to happen.”
Her head jerked to the side in disbelief. “You’re still going to be friends with him?” she asked harshly. “After what he did to you? He freakin’ kissed me Nat!” she exclaimed, loudly enough so that some of the other kids in the hall turned to look at us.
“Shh!” I pulled her closer to me and the lockers, hoping to keep everyone at school from hearing our private conversation. “I know what happened, Mel! You don’t have to keep telling me!” I whispered harshly, still hoping to keep everyone out of our conversation.
“Well apparently I do! You sound like you’ve forgotten what he did to you.” She didn’t seem to feel the same need to whisper.
“No Mel, I didn’t! But I forgave you, didn’t I?” I pointed out with another attempt at a raised eyebrow.
She sputtered for a second before she started defending herself. “I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me! You didn’t have to forgive me, because I didn’t do anything wrong.” Her attitude was beginning to show and her words were starting to get nasty. Knowing I wasn’t going to make her see my side of it, I just gave in.
“I know, and you’re right. I’m just saying that I would like for me and Noah to stay friends. Okay?” I waited for her to respond, and when she didn’t, I continued. “Mel, it’s my choice and I already made it.”
She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked down her nose at me, and then spoke arrogantly, so that I knew she was still mad for my comment about forgiving her. “Well don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’ll hurt you again, you can count on it.” With that, she stalked off down the hall toward her class. I sighed again and walked to my own class.
Sometimes I felt like Mel thought everything should be her way or no way at all. It was so frustrating to not be able to talk to her sometimes. I needed a friend, not a counselor or a teacher.
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***
Thankfully, the year progressed without any more major, life-altering events happening.
With Ash moving to high school, Mel and I spent a lot more time together like we used to, and I felt us getting closer. We both had a few other friends, but neither of us spent a lot of time with any of them. I even felt myself becoming more distant from the few other really good friends I had made as the year went by, but I tried not to let it bother me too much. I missed them, but Mel kept telling me I didn’t need them. She didn’t like any of my other friends, and she was always saying they were stuck up or bitchy. I thought it was more because she knew that in reality, they didn’t like her either. Most of the girls at school didn’t. They respected her in a weird way, but they didn’t like her. Even Noah seemed to dislike her - which I found odd, considering he must have liked her enough to kiss her - but I never asked. I just didn’t want to know.
Noah was the one exception; he and I grew much closer over that year. He seemed to be the only one Mel couldn’t scare off, either. He ignored her and avoided me when I was with her, but we spent a lot of time together in the two classes we had. These were the only times when Mel wasn’t there to stare daggers at him or make rude comments under her breath that everyone could totally hear. I could always tell he was holding his tongue around her, too. I knew there was something he wanted to say about the whole situation, but for some reason he never did. And honestly, I was happy for it. I genuinely liked Noah as a friend, and I didn’t want to be in the middle of whatever it was that was brewing between him and Mel. Noah respected that much more than Mel did, which made me value our friendship even more. By the end of the school year he had proclaimed himself my best boy friend, and I had to agree.
As the year progressed, Mel’s confidence with guys grew. She even had a few boyfriends throughout the year, but nothing major. She would always tell me that they were just talking. Meaning they hung out at school, talked on the phone a little, and would make out after school, but nothing more. They didn’t hang out on the weekends or anything like that. And none of them were ever officially her “boyfriend”. She always said she needed to keep her options open.