by N. L. Greene
“Why? What would you have to be sorry about?” I could hear the complete confusion in his voice.
“I should have listened to you all along about Mel. I’m so sorry.” He pulled me back to look at me again and there it was; the look of pity. He felt sorry for me, for what Mel had been doing to me all those years; the things that everyone else could see so clearly. Everyone but me. I felt like such an idiot! I pulled away from him and wiped my face. “I can’t do this right now Noah. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“Okay.” He eyed me warily.
“I’ll see you around,” I said over my shoulder, as I made my way to the bathroom where I washed my face and reapplied my make-up. Heavy and dark, just like Mel had taught me. I wanted to scream in frustration, because so much of who I was now was from her influence. I felt like I couldn’t get away from her. I scrubbed my face clean, leaving it a little pinker than normal from the force, but when I looked in the mirror I felt like I’d washed some of her taint away.
Too bad it all couldn’t have been that easy. Instead I started to shut everyone out and sort of folded in on myself. I didn’t talk to anyone; not Ash, J.T. or even Noah. They all tried but I wasn’t giving in, and it didn’t take long for them to get the hint and leave me alone. I found myself tip-toeing around school, avoiding anyone who might ask me questions about Mel. Which after seeing us always together for so many years, was pretty much everyone. I spaced out in class and slept as much as possible after school and on the weekends to try to escape it all, but it wasn’t enough. I was still in pain and no matter how much I slept, it wouldn’t go away.
I felt like crap and needed something to dull the pain, so I found a guy at school who sold drugs and started buying from him. First it was just pot, but that quickly became expensive because it seemed I needed more and more each time. So then I graduated to acid, because it seemed to be the simplest of my choices. One hit of acid did way more than a joint did, cost less overall, and all I had to do was stick a piece of paper on my tongue. Easy. So easy, that I started doing it while I was at school. It helped me zone out and cut the harshness of reality without even having to try. I still did all the other stuff though, although I didn’t have to do as much, and I just added the acid to my lengthy list of mind numbing medicine.
It wasn’t long before I began to hang out with my new friend the drug dealer. He started inviting me to hang out with him and his friends on the weekends after I had been buying from him for a few weeks. At first I said no because I didn’t want to party or be around people, and I wasn’t sure if he was flirting with me or just felt sorry for me, and I didn’t want either. Eventually I gave in, though, because sitting around my house staring at the walls on the weekends got to be too much. The loneliness would start to seep in, and since I couldn’t drink or smoke at my house, I couldn’t block any of it out. That was when the stark reality of how much my life sucked would come crashing down on me.
I needed to get out of my house and away from the morbid thoughts swirling in my head, and he was my only option.
My new friend’s name was Chaos. I knew it wasn’t his real name, but that’s what he introduced himself as, what everyone else called him, what he had tattooed on the side of his head, and to be perfectly honest I didn’t really care what his real name was, so that was what I called him too.
I knew getting out of my house with him wasn’t going to be easy. My parents would take one look at him and lock me away forever. And how would I even introduce them to each other? ‘Hi mom, dad, meet my drug dealer!’ I didn’t think so. So the first time I hung out with him and his friends, I met them in the back of a church parking lot across town. My mom let me borrow her car after I told her I needed to go to the library to work on a school project. We all stayed in the church parking lot, sitting in Chaos’ car, getting high. While there I made ‘friends’ with his girlfriend Shana. It was a relief, actually, to know that I wouldn’t have to worry about fending off unwanted attention, and she seemed nice too. She even said she would pick me up whenever I wanted to chill with them, and gave me her number. She was small, cute, and looked totally innocent. I instantly knew my parents would let me hang out with her with no questions asked.
Being out of the house and letting go for a while was what I needed, so after that I started sleeping over at Shana’s house on the weekends…although we never actually went to her house. I didn’t even know where she lived, nor did we do much sleeping. We always ended up at Chaos’s house where we partied pretty hard all night with their friends. I’ll admit it was weird at first, because although there were always a lot of people there, everyone sort of did their own thing. The music wasn’t too loud, more like mood music that played in the back-ground. A few people would talk to me, saying hi or asking how I was, but it was more to be polite than to be sociable. No one was really interested in me, and I wasn’t really interested in them. I wanted a place where I could do what I wanted and just be left alone. I found that there.
Because of my long party weekends, I spent my week-days in a fog. I quickly found myself coasting along through the school days, barely passing, and then spending my afternoons pretending to study and do homework. I only did enough to pass, because the only thing worse than having to go to school in the first place would be if I had to do it all over again once I failed. The rest of the time I spent sleeping or waiting for the weekends to come so I could sit in a dim, hazy corner and forget everything.
A couple of months after the incident, finals were approaching and my Junior year was winding down when Ash finally caught up to me one day after school. It felt like it had been years since I’d last spoken with her or anyone else from ‘before’. I had gotten pretty good at avoiding everyone and making myself pretty hard to find, but that day I’d been too busy looking for Chaos instead of looking out for someone who may have actually wanted to talk to me.
“Nat!” I heard her call from behind me. I didn’t turn around. Instead I picked up the pace; trying to look like I hadn’t heard her. It didn’t work. “I know you heard me! You better stop walking right now if you know what’s good for you!” Although she yelled, I could hear the teasing note in her voice and I couldn’t help but smile. I stopped and resolutely waited for her to reach my side.
When she finally reached me she threw her arms around me and hugged me tight. I was so surprised, I could do nothing more than just stand there dumbly for a second. I’d expected her to be at least a little mad at me for ignoring her for the past couple of months. She and I weren’t as close as Mel and I had been, but Ash and I had still been really good friends, and I’d totally ditched her the same way I had everyone else for no apparent reason. I shook my head and quit internally listing all the reasons why she should hate me, and simply hugged her back. None of my new friends were huggers, so it felt nice to have that contact again with someone that I knew cared about me.
But it didn’t last long, and neither did Ashley’s good mood. She pulled back, keeping her hands firmly on my shoulders, and looked earnestly into my eyes. “I am so pissed at you, you have no freakin’ idea!” she told me sternly. “Where do you get off not answering my calls, not returning my calls, avoiding me in the halls, avoiding J,…?” She was going off on a tangent and people were starting to stare, so I spoke over her quickly.
“I know! I’m sorry, okay. I’ve just…” I shrugged, not knowing how to tell her how horrible I’d felt or how ashamed I was to face any of them. How could I tell her that I felt stupid and that I thought it would be better for everyone if we all just went our separate ways?
“Okay, you silly girl! I know what you’re thinking, and you need to stop! I’m your friend, okay? No matter who else I may or may not be friends with, I am still your friend. I thought you knew that.” She tilted her head and watched me. I imagined that she could probably see the inner turmoil that was going on in my head. I wanted to believe her…in fact, I wanted it so badly I could see myself taking it and running with it as far as I co
uld. But the gritty reality was very different. I still couldn’t face Mel - I didn’t think I ever could - and there was a very serious risk of that happening if I associated with anyone that she did.
My shoulders slumped in defeat and all hope fled. “I can’t, Ash. I’m sorry. I can’t risk being around her. I know that ultimately my screw-ups are my own, but she played me so bad, and I can’t stand the thought of ever being around her again.”
She sighed. “I also thought you knew that the friendship I had with Mel wasn’t really that real.” I looked at her in confusion. She shrugged. “I knew who and how she was. Why do you think I always tried to jump in and say something, or threaten her about car rides or whatever? I didn’t like the way she treated you, but it wasn’t my place to say anything beyond what I did. You two had known each other way before I came around and I didn’t want to interfere. But as far as Mel-” she shook her head,-“she was cool to hang around, and her parents have always been way cool, not to mention the fact that she always seems to have hot guys living at her house. Why wouldn’t I want to hang with her?”
I smiled and rolled my eyes at her reasoning. “I guess I can see your point. So do you still hang out with her? How’s J?” I asked; wanting to ask more, but stopping myself.
She gave me a knowing smile but answered only the questions I asked. “J.T. is good, but he’s worried sick about you. He really does love you, you know? Like a sister? You could call him for whatever, and he would be there.”
“Yeah I know.” I felt ashamed again. I’d turned to strangers, drugs, and alcohol instead of the people who genuinely loved me. But it had felt like the only safe option. It still felt that way.
“And as for Mel, well that’s actually why I was looking for you.” I felt my eyebrows draw together and my apprehension build. I didn’t want to talk about her, and I didn’t care what was going on. I started to tell Ash that, but she cut me off. “Just listen. I don’t hang out with her anymore either because she dropped out of school.”
My mouth dropped open in surprise.
Ash nodded. “Yep. Her parents don’t give a shit what she does anymore, so she just decided to quit. She moved in with her dad full time, dropped out, and well, that’s pretty much it. Since she doesn’t live across the street anymore I don’t see her, and my parents won’t let me go to her dad’s because her mom told them about all the crazy shit they let Mel do now.” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal for her. “So I just thought you’d want to know. Maybe things will get better for you and you’ll want to call me now?” she asked hopefully.
“Thanks Ash, and I’ll think about it.” I had a lot of crazy shit to process, and I couldn’t do it standing in front of her in the middle of a crowded school hallway. Plus, I had somewhere I was supposed to be. “I gotta go. Bye.” I waved and hurried off before she could stop me.
I found Chaos a few minutes later in the school parking lot, and Shana was waiting with him. I climbed in the back seat of his car and took the offered joint as we made our way to his house, like we usually did on Friday afternoons. I’d already told my parents that I had a project to work on after school, and then asked if I could go home with Shana. I thought they were finally starting to lose hope in me lately. They sighed a lot when I told them stuff about school, and gave in way quicker when I asked to go out; almost like they were defeated. They tried to make several doctor appointments for me but I always refused to go. To be truthful, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about all the concerned attention. On one hand I was glad they cared, but on the other I just wanted to be left alone.
I especially wanted to be left alone that night, because my mind was whirling after talking to Ash. I was pretty happy about Mel dropping out of school, because now I wouldn’t have to walk around looking over my shoulder or peeking around corners to keep from running into her. I wasn’t worried about a scene or a fight; I was worried about her acting like nothing had happened. I knew that if I saw her she would paste on a bright smile and try to bring me back into her clutches. And I knew I was weak. I would let her take me in, and then I’d be right back where I was before, except then I would know what I was doing and what I was getting myself into.
I’d realized sometime over the last couple of months that the relationship I had with Mel was much like an abusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. She’d been verbally beating me down, little by little for years, so that I didn’t even notice the subtle changes. I didn’t see the signs of abuse at the time, as she deliberately stripped away my self-confidence and independence; so much so that I actually felt like I needed her to tell me what to do. She had somehow made me become completely dependent on her. I felt lost and alone without her by my side, and helpless and confused without her to tell me what to do or how to act. And even though my rational mind knew it was unhealthy and that I shouldn’t feel that way, I still did.
That was why I had to stay away from her. The only way to avoid it was to avoid her and everyone that could possibly bring us back together. And I had to do it cold turkey, just like when addicted to a drug, but the only way that I’d been able to do that was to numb the pain with drugs. Pretty ironic, huh?
But now things could be different. Mel wouldn’t be there anymore, and I wouldn’t have to constantly worry about falling into her trap. I could actually start to live my life again. Maybe. I knew it would be slow, but I really thought I could do it. The problem was figuring out how to do it. I didn’t know how or even if I wanted to leave the blissful numbness behind.
Chapter 21
It wasn’t until one of Shana’s friends O.D.’d right in front of me that I realized my so-called ‘blissful numbness’ may not have been so great after all. I wasn’t stupid; I knew the dangers of over drinking, smoking, and drug use. My parents had always taken every opportunity to drill it into my head, plus I saw the news reports and heard the stories of kids at school over-dosing. But I never actually knew any of those kids, and I’d definitely never witnessed it. To say it was a wake-up call would be a HUGE understatement.
It was the Friday night after Ash had talked to me in school. I was sitting in my usual spot: the corner of the living room at Chaos’s house on a big, red bean bag chair. The room was filled with smog from the rounds of bong hits everyone had already taken, and I had a beer in my hand, number…I wasn’t even sure anymore. I was peacefully zoning in and out from the acid I’d taken a few hours earlier, watching for trippy patterns in the lights and listening to the music in the back-ground. As I sat there trying to forget the past few years of my life, I watched the fluid movements of the people in front of me. They’d all been sitting around the coffee table, each taking turns doing lines of cocaine. I’d been offered it a few times, and again tonight, but I hadn’t seen the appeal yet. Thankfully.
So while I was sitting there, wallowing in my depression over how sucky my life had become and how lonely I truly was, even in a room full of people, Shana’s friend started to convulse. I was so fucked up that it actually took a few seconds for me to even realize what was happening right in front of me. Shana started screaming her friend’s name, Chaos grabbed the girl and laid her on the floor, sticking his fingers down her throat, and everyone else started leaving. I saw what was happening around me, but I still didn’t get up. I just sat there watching everyone move in slow motion around me. It was like they were all underwater and I was watching them struggle to move their heavy limbs.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but I was finally snapped out of my daze by one of Shana’s other friends. “Nat! Nat!” She was yelling in my face and shaking my shoulders.
I blinked a few times before focusing on her tear-stricken face in front of me. “Huh?”
“Damn it, girl! You need to get out of here! Chaos is gonna have to call 911 and the cops’ll come. If you don’t leave, you’ll get arrested!”
“Oh,” I said; still trying to piece together what exactly it was that she’d said to me. It didn’t quite make sense yet, and I didn’t und
erstand the urgency.
“Fuck me!” She stepped back and shook her head. “Look, I don’t have time for this shit! Get out of here or go to jail.” Then she left me sitting there.
I watched the flurry of action around me until things finally started to click into place. Shana was leaning over her friend, crying and rubbing her back in a soothing motion. The friend was pale, with blue lips and closed eyes, and I couldn’t tell if she was breathing or not. Chaos was pacing right behind them; his phone to his ear while he ran his free hand over his shaved head. Everyone else was leaving. I looked back at Chaos. He saw me sitting there and mouthed the word ‘Go’, then pointed at the door. I scrambled up, dropped my beer on the floor, slipped my flip flops back on, and grabbed my purse. I felt horrible for what Shana’s friend was going through and for what she and Chaos would have to face when the cops showed up, but selfishly I knew I couldn’t be there when they arrived.
I practically ran to the front door, tripping over discarded beer bottles and other random objects that I didn’t care to know the origins of. I stumbled through the opened front door and jogged down the steps before coming to a stop again. Everyone else was gone. The people that usually lingered on the porch, talking and drinking, weren’t. All the cars that usually littered the driveway, road side, and even the lawn, were all missing. It was almost eerie. I had never been here before when it was so quiet. But then the quiet was broken, along with my thoughts, when I heard the blaring sound of sirens in the distance.
I walked quickly to the sidewalk, moving away from the house as fast as possible without drawing any unwanted attention to myself. As I got further down the street, my head began to clear a little more and I started to become aware of my surroundings and my situation. It was the middle of the night, and although I wasn’t sure exactly what time it was, I knew that by the looks of the desolate road and the lack of lights on in the houses I passed, it was pretty late. It was also cold and I wasn’t dressed for a chilly night. I had on short shorts, flip flops, and a paper thin tank top. I wrapped my arms around myself, hoping to block out some of the chill.