by Belvin, Love
“So she said…” I mumbled as I a sighed.
“What you really think, duke?”
“That shit ain’t mine. I ain’t touch her since like November, man. If it was I’d do what I need to do for mine.” I gave a deep exhale. “I just gotta play my hand right because this can get ugly with Big D.”
“Yeah, man. That’s what I was just thinking about. You know how ‘dat nigga is!”
“I mean…it is what it is but that’s still his princess.”
“So what you gonna do?”
“She’s got a few months to go. I told her she has to get a fuckin’ DNA test.”
“And what she say ‘bout ‘dat?”
“She acted all offended and shit but I don’t give a fuck. And now with Patricia dying she’s feeling all needy…knowing damn well we’re no longer together,” I referred to the night I had to leave Rayna at Mahogany.
Patricia, Big D’s wife and Tara’s mother, was driving trying to merge onto the 10 when this truck came and ran right into her. According to the police investigation, she was applying makeup while driving so she didn’t even see it coming. Patricia was on her way to a fundraising event that she was hosting. That night Big D and Tara tried getting a hold of me but I purposely turned my phone off. Petey always knew where to find me, so he knew where I’d be that night. I met them at the hospital where they gave me the news. Tara didn’t take it well at all. She had to be sedated because she was out of control, filled with distraught. I stayed by her side that night at the hospital. As much as my feelings had changed for Tara, one thing that had remained the same was she was like family. Her parents had been good to me over the years. I stayed by her side for several days after. Once Patricia was buried, I started to detach. I thought about where being with her too much could lead us…and Rayna. I hadn’t seen her in about a week.
I knew back in Puerto Vallarta that I couldn’t begin a sexual relationship with Rayna though I wanted her ass so bad. The timelines were too blurred. Although my sexual affairs had expired with Tara, her pregnancy was a looming disaster, something that delicate would need explaining to Rayna if she were to learn of it. I had no intention of telling her, I was that confident of the paternity. But what I was aiming for was for Rayna to want me so bad that when we did fuck and Tara’s pregnancy or any of my hairy shit hit the fan, I would be absolved of accusation of seducing her. I wouldn’t have to disbosom shit, I rarely made such sloppy mistakes. My dick wasn’t happy with my plan because every time I saw her I felt radiating sensations in my groin. Her touch was soft, her lips delectable, her fragrance electrifying and her kiss took my breath away. I knew she would be trouble for me. I was feeling shit with Rayna that no former block hugger had any business feeling; we aren’t capable.
I deliberately stayed away for days at a time because it was only a matter of opportunity when I’d have her right where I wanted; underneath me with her legs around my waist screaming my name or on her knees worshiping my strongman down her throat. I knew she’d like it and I would teach her just how to please me. But she had to pursue me first. I almost gave in that night at my apartment. Michelle’s emergency was a gift for me but a curse to her loved ones. I wanted to play this right. But goddamn I wanted to taste Rayna’s ass so bad my dick hurt.
“I got too much riding on this shit, man,” I said staring at the keyboard of my desktop snapping out of my reverie.
“What? That Rayna…?” he asked although he knew what the answer would be.
I snorted, “You wanna hear some funny shit, man? Ever since I heard about Tara being pregnant, Rayna been sending me texts talking about honesty and trust…how she ain’t wit’ nobody because niggas lie and all that shit, man!” Petey and I laughed together.
“You know how ‘dem chicks be, man. My old lady tried to hit me wit’ ‘dat shit when I met her and look where I’m at now, my nigga!” he joked. “All jokes aside—she quality, Divine,” he counseled. Petey’s always had a good read on people; I valued his opinion.
“I don’t know, Crack. I gotta taste it first. Let a nigga see if that’s quality and then I’ll drench her ass in diamonds!” I joked. We gave each other dap on that and laughed for a minute. He knew I was full of shit but didn’t call me on it. Truth be told, Rayna had me going and the fact that I hadn’t fucked her up to that point was evident of it.
“So what are you over here on this side of town for? I’d suddenly realized that he never said.
“I wanna know what’s up for your born day?”
“Man, I’ve been so stressed out I haven’t been thinking about that shit,” I said stretching in my chair.
“We’ll, it’s what…’bout a week away?”
“I guess, man,” I said yawning.
“Let me and some of the niggas from ‘The Clan’ take care of you…‘dat’s a’ight wit’ you?”
“Do you, my nigga,” I agreed as my iPhone was going off. I picked it up to check it and saw it was a text from Rayna. Petey’s phone rang and he answered it.
Rayna text: GOT PLANS FOR YOUR B-DAY?
Not really. Why? I texted back.
I want to get up with you to celebrate your big day.
Sounds tempting. I may be with the goons that night…
We can get up after…, she offered.
I’m with it. But it may be late. I warned, realizing I was blowing her off. I was really trying to buy us some time.
I’ll wait up. :-) Damn. She’s tantalizingly persistent. I didn’t know how long I could hold out. This was painful. I would take a day with Rayna over my goons any day.
“Indeed…” I hit send. By that time, Petey was off the phone.
“That chick got you wide open, my nigga. You all smiling and typing and shit,” Petey said clowning me.
“Nah, she was asking about my birthday plans, too.”
“Oh, I don’t wanna interfere, man,” he said I assumed offering to cancel his plans.
“I told her I’ll get up with her later.”
We agreed on hanging out that night and Petey headed out.
A week later, I was at Cobalt on a Friday night working when Big D BBM’d me. He asked if we could meet. I told him where I was and he came through. We met up in my office at Cobalt.
“Can I get you a drink, Big D?” I offered.
“Yeah, man! A dry Martini,” he said. I had the runner go get the drink while he settled in. He walked around the office and took the infamous view of the dance floor.
“You know, this is my first time here. I was told that I’ve been past here several times but couldn’t mentally locate it.” Big D peered out of the window that gave view to the main dance room observing the décor of the place. “I remember this area very well. On the force we called this Snow Haven because of the cocaine that was distributed to the rich white folk.”
“Oh yeah?” I said in response. I was curious of the nature of this visit. We strategically minimize our visits. I knew there must’ve been a problem. I hated small talk and I really didn’t have time for it that particular day.
“Well, Cool Breeze…” he began as he pulled up a seat. “I might as well get right into why I’m here…”
“Okay,” I said as I pulled out the chair across the table from where he planted himself. I sat facing him.
“Divine, this has been a difficult time for my family. And Tara is still mourning her mother’s death. She swears out she’s lonely and now that she’s pregnant I can’t figure out for the life of me why you aren’t in her corner. I mean, if you guys are broken up I can understand…but like it or not she’s the mother of your child,” he ended getting a little emotional.
I stilled in my seat. I didn’t know how to tell him the baby wasn’t mine. The truth was I didn’t know it for a fact but my gut told me it wasn’t. This was such a delicate situation.
“Big D, you know in spite of what Tara and I are going through I would never treat her unfairly. I guess what I’m trying say is, there are some things…factors…details…
issues…delicate issues surrounding our relationship that I don’t believe is my place to tell you. But please believe that no matter what they are I always remember she’s your daughter and therefore, treat her with a certain level of respect because of that,” I pleaded with him and that was all I could say.
I couldn’t tell him his daughter turned into a groupie and was fucking a rapper who didn’t even have an album out yet in a bathroom stall. I couldn’t even show him the tape that wound up in my lap of them fucking in the studio. It went against man-law.
Big D’s speculative eyes hit mine in search of truth. He wanted to see if I caved underneath them so that he could make his next move. I wouldn’t waiver. As much as I respected him like a father, I was a man. A man that needed to be respected and trusted to make solid decisions even where his only child was concerned. In retrospect, I knew I should have never fucked my mentor’s daughter, and if I did I should have limited the relationship to just that. It was not the best idea to take on a full fledge relationship with her. It wasn’t good for business. The one thing I had working in my favor was that I was prepared to leave the game now that I was legally making headway via my corporate endeavors. I didn’t need drug money anymore. I had legitimate returns on my profits. That was an entirely different issue I’d have to take on with him, but this one with Tara needed to be addressed first.
He sighed, “I get the impression that there are issues surrounding the breakup and I trust you like a son but I expect you to be a man,” he paused at the knock on the door. The runner had returned with his drink. As he took a long swig, I saw the heaviness in his heart.
“Have you ever known me to do anything other than that?” I asked not expecting an answer. Besides, he knew if he pushed for an explanation, he’d be risking the element of shock and disappointment. He once told me, “No man wants to know the freaky side of his daughter, he just wants her taken care of.” I extended my left arm across his shoulder as a sign of support. To return the sentiment he laid his hand on top of mine. We stayed that way for almost a full minute.
“Okay, young blood. I’ll let you get back to work,” he said trying snap out of the emotional moment he’d just had. “You know, even when I was your age I didn’t work as hard. You really need to relax and enjoy life again. I haven’t seen that spark in your eyes in a while now. Slow down and enjoy the fruits of your labor, son,” Big D advised while gathering up his things preparing to leave.
“Easier said than done, man,” I said as I stood to walk him to the door.
After he left, I did some thinking of the possibility of being a father…courtesy of Tara Harrison. I felt that debilitating grip again. The crazy thing about this situation was even if she was not pregnant, I wouldn’t want Tara. We were just two different types of people. She was silver spoon fed and I was plastic. When I started fucking with her about six years ago, it was fun because she was so different from other chicks—daring. I’d been fucking Tara since her eighteenth birthday. I sat and recalled the night when she and her girls snuck to The Joint in their drop top Beamer. They hit the dance floor hard with their miniskirts and make up on. Tara started asking for me so my peoples came and got me. She told me that since she had turned eighteen that day she could tell me why she kept eyeing me and trying to spend so much time with her dad when she knew he was coming to see me. Tara said she could act out her fantasies if I gave her the opportunity. I had sex with her that night in the back of my truck. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t fuck her like I did other broads at that time. I actually liked her.
After a year of sneaking around with Tara, my conscious started to forbid the creeping. I had to tell Big D about it. It was a relief to discover he knew she’d had a major crush on me for years, and his daughter was the type to get what she wanted. He gave me his blessings to date his Tara after a serious talk. He laid the responsibility of her on my shoulders. Two years later, Tara wanted to move in with me. I wasn’t too keen on the idea and thought Big D wouldn’t roll with it so easily. What was surprising was that she asked her dad with her mom there rooting for it. Patricia was trying to train her daughter to be like her and get with a man that could offer a certain type of lifestyle. She knew her husband was coaching me to be the hustler that I am today and that would mean security for her only child.
There was no way in hell that I was taking that leap with Tara. Living with a woman was never a desire of mine, and living with Tara had never been a thought. If I knew any better, I would’ve sent Tara’s ass home the moment I saw her at my club that night.
What I didn’t realize was that the relationship came along with an obligation and compromised boundaries between my mentor and me. Now that my feelings for his daughter had dissipated, I still felt a responsibility to him and his family. Leaving Tara would be perceived as betrayal to the only man that showed me love and guidance no matter how legitimate the reason. And not to mention the business relationship we have. This would jeopardize serious cash flow for so many people. I didn’t want to count the number of people who ate from this operation we’ve set up over the past fifteen or so years.
I deliberately switched my thoughts to warmer ones of Rayna. I don’t know this woman thoroughly but I had to say, I wanted to. After what happened a few weeks ago, I’d been thinking about getting to know her more. She frequents my thoughts and I want to be with her more often. On the contrary, we haven’t been together since that night at my apartment. Every time I thought about that night with her on my couch I could smell that flowery scent she wore. I remembered how she tried to keep it together until she couldn’t take it anymore and abandoned that calm and reserved act. Man, when I think about the way she breathed heavily in my ear asking me to help myself to her body, I have to feel she was inviting me to a little more than that.
It was at that moment I realized I was sounding like a bitch and needed to stop. Ain’t no pussy or woman ever had me going in like that and I wasn’t trying to let it begin there.
Little did I know…
~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the morning of my birthday and my eyes fluttered open remaining true to my body’s timer. I stilled there in the bed giving my mind a chance to synchronize with my body. I took a few seconds to reflect and give praises to Allah for another year of health, wealth, and prosperity. Even with as much stress as I had I knew I was a blessed man. I allowed my mind to rolodex my countless fortunes when the phone rang at about a little after five a.m. I couldn’t think who would call me at that hour. When I grabbed the phone I immediately noted the 718 area code, it was a Brooklyn caller.
“Peace-Peace,” I mumbled.
“Azmir?” a woman with a trembling thick New York accent asked.
“Yeah, who is this?” I asked still trying to collect my wits.
“Azmir, ‘dis…Yazmine,” the raspy woman informed. Seconds after I processed the words and the gruff in her voice my heart dropped.
“Who?” I had to ask again to be sure.
“Yazmine…ya’ mother?” she said undoubtedly. I didn’t know what to say.
She obviously noticed. “I know it’s been a minute but I fought wit’ myself all night about making ‘dis call.” Still, I had nothing to offer. She continued, “I know you wanna know where I been. I’m in Brooklyn now. I been out here for about a year now wit’ a frien’ of mines.”
“Okay…” was all I my mind could produce.
“Ummm, I was locked up Azmir. I did a twenty solid, man,” she crowed. I heard the tears in her voice. “I made parole on your birthday last year.” She paused for a while waiting for me to say something. “You there, beloved?” she asked because of the silence. I felt a ball in my throat.
I cleared it out before saying, “Indeed.”
“I couldn’t find you. You was like a needle in a damn haystack, man,” she chuckled and then sniffled. “I called everybody I could think about. I came to BK asking all your little friends ‘dat I could remember. Seem like everybody dead or locked the fuck up. I rememb
er being in lock up hearing about little…well, big Christopher—I know y’all called him B.I.G.. I cried all night, man.” I recalled losing my man, too. It was painful for me like no other time in my life.
“I see Shawn…Jazz or whatever y’all used to call him…on TV all the time wit’ ‘dat singer…’da girl wit’ the blonde hair that sing and dance. I saw Trevor the other day around the way. I can’t believe he cut his dreads and shit!” Yazmine was rambling because she was short of words. And so was I. “Then I called my old girl, Pamela, back in Chicago. She told me she ain’t seen you in years but she used to always see Daryl come by after they snatched me. She told me her niece, Tonda fucked wit’ you like ten years ago and you flew her out to California and shit. And ‘dats when I thought Daryl musta took you out there wit’ him. It still wasn’t easy to find you. I had to find Daryl first. I hear how ‘dat stuck up bitch he married just died. Allah rest ‘da dead.” She paused again. I looked at the clock again and realized she didn’t know how early it was out here.
“Yeah…” I uttered. Again she paused.
“Look, man…I just wanted to say happy born day to you. I don’t want nothing.” She’d finally caught on.
“Thanks.”
“You got that caller I.D. shit?”
“Ummm, yeah.”
“Well ‘dats my number if you wanna get at me.”
“Indeed,” I muttered tentatively. And like that she was gone.
I stayed in bed for an hour after thinking about her call. So many questions ran through my mind. I didn’t know whether to be happy or pissed the hell off.