Knowing we should get to the point, I lift my chin and ask, “Is my dad brain dead?” I look each of them in the eye. Their expressions are solemn as they communicate to me silently. If they’ve come here to tell me he is, then I know the decision I’ll be facing.
Silently, I wonder if they hate this part of their job—where they have to tell a person that their loved one is about to die … or already has.
The neurologist softly says, “He’s gone, ma’am.” “The scans show no blood flow to the brain. The reality of it is, your father will remain in a permanently vegetative state, as long as his heart keeps beating. To put it bluntly, these machines are keeping him alive.”
I’m going to be sick. “What about the first brain scan? Yesterday, I saw a tear come out of his eye while I was talking to him.” I’m grasping on to any hope I can find.
The doctor’s brows pinch together. “The first brain scan was taken when he got here. That one did show some activity, but very little,” he says, pinching with his fingers, indicating the smallest amount. “It’s possible he was still with us when you talked to him.”
“It’s very possible,” the chaplain says. “And I bet he heard you, too.”
I like this guy.
“It’s not uncommon for the first scan to show some activity and the second to come out flat,” the neurologist adds. “Unfortunately, there’s no blood flow going to his brain anymore.”
I’m numb, slowly processing everything. I can’t. I can’t keep him on those machines. I know he wouldn’t want it. We’ve talked about this before … Oh my God, he’s gone. My dad is gone. Closing my eyes, the chaplain steps in, attempting to bring me words of comfort.
“Reese, do you know if your father was a believer?”
My eyes snap open to meet his compassionate gaze, and the floodgates swing open. I can no longer hold back. “Yes,” I say, choking on a sob. “Yes, he was.”
“That’s good news. Understand that he is no longer in pain,” he says sincerely. “Your father is in a better place now.”
Covering my face as best I can, he squeezes my shoulder. “Are you here by yourself? We want to make sure you’ll be okay.”
“I … I am …” I hesitate. “It’s just … this is a lot to take in, and they won’t let anybody other than family in here. M-my m-mom is-n’t call-ing m-me ba-ack.” I can’t even talk right now. It’s all too much. I want Luke here with me, and I don’t even have a way to get ahold of him. And now on top of everything else, I’m pissed at him for being gone when I need him.
“Do you have someone who can come get you?” the chaplain asks gently.
“Yeah I do,” I say, licking my lips. “I just need to wrap my head around this for a second. I don’t … I don’t think I can talk to anybody now.” I’m not even looking at them anymore; I’m sort of in a daze. “Can you give me a little time?” I ask, wishing I could get ahold of my mom.
“We’ll call for you if you’d like,” he replies.
“Please.” Digging through my purse, I forget what I’m looking for. Oh yeah, my phone. Once I find it, I scroll through the contacts and hand it over. “Her name is Gia.”
He nods, before walking out of the room with my phone.
My father’s gone. My father’s gone. My father’s gone. The phrase runs repeatedly through my head. His pale, lifeless body only confirms it.
“Your friend Gia’s on her way up,” the chaplain says, handing me my phone. When he asks if I’d let him pray with me, I agree, because I know my father would have wanted it.
Walking down the hall, in what seems like slow motion, I glance in every open room I pass—searching for a clue. Someone on this floor knows what happened to my father. I still haven’t received a call back from that Thomas guy, but I plan to bug him until he talks to me. My father gave me his card, so it obviously means he trusts him.
Heels clanking against the tiled hospital floor captures my attention, and I wonder if my eyes are playing tricks on me. No way. I blink. Why is she here? Pausing, I stay back, watching as her blonde tresses bounce with each and every step. Of all the people, Lauren Ryann scurries down the hall, her expression frazzled, as she messes with an arrangement of flowers. Thankfully, they hinder her view of me. If this weren’t the worst day of my life, I’d check on her … make sure she’s okay. I’m just glad she isn’t crying. It’ll lessen some of the guilt I’ll feel for avoiding her.
Before her brother left, she’d moved up to Flagstaff with a close friend of hers. There’s so much to catch up on, I wouldn’t know what to say. She’ll ask why I’m here, and then I’ll have to explain. And I don’t have the strength for that right now. I want to go home, lie in my bed, and listen to music.
Her eyes fall to the numbers on the doors. I think she’s ready to turn the corner, but instead she stays on the same path. I panic, spotting the empty room to my right, then step inside and hide behind the doorway. It’s childish, I know, but I don’t care.
I peek around the wall and catch her walking into a room, shutting the door behind her. Blowing out a breath, I make my way toward the exit, trying to get as far away from this place as I possibly can. Thank God I don’t have to drive today.
Michelle stops me at the nurses’ station, meeting my eyes. Forcing a smile, I make a weak attempt at thanking her for all the encouragement. I wouldn’t have opened up like I did, if it weren’t for her advice. “Thank you,” I cry. “For everything.”
Her eyes tear up, then she pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around her, resting my head on her shoulder. We barely know each other, but it feels like we bonded last night. I can tell she’s a good person, and I’m glad she was there.
“I am so sorry,” she replies. The hug is exactly what I need. I close my eyes, enjoying the momentary comfort.
“Excuse me,” we hear behind us.
I open my eyes, facing a stunning brunette who appears around my age. I think she may be lost. “Can I help you?” Michelle asks, walking behind the help desk.
“Yes. A patient of yours was moved to a different room. Nobody told me where they put him.”
Tapping on the keyboard, Michelle replies, “You look familiar. Is he in the ICU?”
“Yes. They admitted him two days ago.”
“Gotcha. Tell me his name, hon. I’ll see if I can find him.” Glancing at me, she holds up a finger.
“Ryann,” she answers, readjusting her purse. “His name is Luke Ryann.”
My heart nearly drops into my stomach. Wait. What? Blinking twice—maybe three times—I’m flat out staring at this girl in shock.
“If you’d like, I’ll mention you’re here? Someone is in there with him right now. Unfortunately, he’s only allowed one visitor at a time.”
Lauren. I need to lie down. Lauren is visiting her brother. Her brother! Luke is hurt. What are the chances? He and my father at the same time? It can’t be a coincidence. Can it?
“I assume you’re family?”
“Yes. I’ve been here twice,” the girl answers, irritated. I’m ready to ask her what’s wrong with him.
“She’s his wife,” another nurse interrupts. “I’ve got this, Michelle. Looking for your husband?” A smile spreads across the nurse’s face. “The air conditioner went out in the old room. So we moved Luke to 307. He’s awake, and they’re expecting you. Sorry ‘bout that. Follow me. I’ll take you to him.”
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. “Luke, can you hear me?” Beep. Beep. “Come on, big bro, wake up. I see you moving your fingers. Can you hear me?” I feel a tug at my hand. It sounds like I’m in a hospital room—beeping noises are all around me, and there are rails on my bed—but I’m having a hard time opening my eyes. Though it is good to hear my sister’s voice. “Open them, Luke.” Her face finally comes into view. A tear slides off her cheek.
“Hi.” She smiles. “You’re awake.”
I grin back, feeling loopy, then attempt to say hello, but the word comes out raspy. More tears fall down Lauren’s face. “Why a
re you crying?” Damn, it hurts to talk. “Is it that bad?” My eyes scan my body. I’ve got a shoulder and leg that are bandaged up pretty good.
“I thought I was going to lose you.” She steps away for a second, coming back with a full vase of flowers in her hands. “I bought you these,” she says, showing me the arrangement. “I was really hoping you’d get to see them before they died.” She frowns, setting them down on the side table. “Looks like I got my wish.”
I burst out in laughter, flinching from the pain. “You would buy me flowers,” I say, coughing. “That’s sweet of you, Lauren. Thanks. But you didn’t need to buy me anything.”
Concern shows on her face. “Do you need me to get the nurse—her name’s Julie? Get you more pain meds? She’s been real attentive to you, maybe has a little crush, but she’s very sweet. She recently moved you from another room, because the AC had gone out.”
I’m a little slow at taking all of that in. “That was nice of them,” I reply.
“I can get her if you want?”
“In a minute,” I say, trying to scoot up a little. It’s hard to put pressure on my arm, and it hurts a lot more than I’m letting on. I don’t want to be a pussy in front of my sister. It’ll just make her worry about me. “I assume you have some questions.”
“I do,” she says, giving a single nod. There’s a crease between her brows. “Although I can probably guess some of the answers.” Her blue eyes meet mine. “I’m just glad you’re okay, Luke,” she adds, biting her quivering lip.
Lauren left Phoenix about six months ago after a bad break up. She and a friend wanted to see what it’d be like to live in a smaller town—so off they went to Flagstaff. Last time we spoke, I told her what I planned to do about Glenn. She didn’t like the idea, but didn’t try to stop me either. She knew my mind had been made up already.
“Come here.” I stretch my arms out to give her a hug, but freeze halfway, the screaming pain in my shoulder reminding me of my injuries. “Ow.”
She laughs and cries at the same time. “You look like a mummy.”
I laugh with her and it hurts.
“Oh God. Sorry,” she says. “Try not to laugh.”
“How long was I out anyway?” I ask. “How long have I been here? I don’t even know what day it is.”
“Two days. They put you in a medically induced coma. Do you remember what happened?”
“I think I was shot.”
She nods. “Once in the shoulder and twice in the leg.”
Memories of the other night are flashing through my head. “What hospital are we at?” My eyes roam the white board on the wall across from me at the same time she answers.
“We’re at Saint Joe’s.”
Saint Joe’s. I’m in Phoenix. I search for a phone, then flinch again. I keep forgetting about my shoulder until it’s too late. My drugs are wearing off, and my mind’s becoming clearer. I’ve got to check on Andrew. Last time I saw him he was in bad shape.
“Careful,” I hear from a voice not belonging to my sister. “It’s time for your pain meds.” A young nurse approaches me with sparkly eyes and a bright smile. At least she’s a happy nurse.
“Let me guess. You’re Julie?”
“That’s me!” She grins. “You’re handsome and awake,” she says, winking. “How are we feeling?”
Flicking my gaze to Lauren, I catch her covering a smile with her hand. I’m not sure if Julie’s being friendly, or if that was some sort of pick up line. “I’ve definitely felt better.”
“I bet you have.” She nods. “On a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?”
“I don’t know. An eight or nine I guess.”
“All right,” she replies. “Don’t worry. I’m going to take the pain away.” She leans in close enough to make it uncomfortable, then says, “You have some gorgeous eyes—like pools of whiskey. I’d been betting on cobalt blue, back when you were asleep. These are even better.”
“Thank you?” comes out more like a question, and I’m feeling a little violated. Lauren giggles in her chair.
“You’re welcome.” She stands and straightens her shoulders. “I’ll go get your medicine. See this button right here … press it if you need me,” she says, pointing to a little red symbol on the remote that’s connected to my bed. “I’ll make sure they give your wife a ring. She’ll be happy to hear you’re awake and expecting her.” At that, she darts out of the room, chart in hand.
My eyes move to Lauren. “Did she just say my wife?”
Biting her lip, she replies, “Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. Rachelle?” Her brows raise and I pause.
“Son of a—”
“I knew it wasn’t true,” she interrupts. “She told me if you wake up, to tell you the dog is okay,” she adds, shrugging. “I figured I’d ask you about it later.”
I rub the space between my brows. I’d forgotten about Chance. “Good, they got him,” I sigh, glancing at her. “It’s a long story. And you’re right. It isn’t true. I’m just too tired to explain right now.” I’m reminded, once again, of Andrew. “Have you heard anything about Andrew?”
She looks at me, confused. “Who?”
“Reese’s father—Andrew. Shit! I need the nurse!” Pressing the red button, I need to know, and now.
Lauren shoots out of her chair. “I’ll go get her.” She’s panicking, as she rushes through the doorway. My expression probably scared her.
Moments later, they’re hurrying back in the room. Julie places my meds on the tray with a small cup of water. “What is it, honey? What do you need?”
“The night I came here … were there others with me?”
“Yes.” She nods. “From what I understand.”
I close my eyes and exhale a breath. I open them and ask, “How bad off is Andrew Johnson?” Please say he’s going to be okay.
Looking nervous, she replies, “I’m sorry. I’m unable to go into specifics with you about another patient. It’s part of our privacy policy.”
“So he is a patient then?”
She bounces from one foot to another. “I can’t say if he is or isn’t, and won’t disclose names but …” She pauses, as a crease forms between her brows. “From what I’ve heard, you are the only survivor amongst the group of you who came in together. The second survivor passed away earlier today,” she adds sympathetically.
“No, no, no. That can’t be right. There were several of us. Andrew’s in his late forties, ‘bout my size, got a bushy, gray beard. You can’t miss him,” I say, gesturing with my fingers.
“I’m sorry.” There’s pity in her features. “He was the other survivor. We just lost him today.”
Bile slides up my throat, and I’m suddenly looking for something to throw up in. “I need a bucket,” I say, glancing at Lauren. “Somebody get me a fucking bucket!”
Julie scurries to the bathroom, rushing back with a trashcan in her hand. I grab it and hurl into it three times. Every part of me hurts. Lauren tries to soothe me, but I want to be left alone, knowing I’m responsible for this. I killed him by bringing him into my world, and Reese will never be able to forgive me for it.
Lying back against the pillow, unable to look anyone in the face, I mutter, “I need some time.” Swallowing down the pain, I continue, “Nothing against you, Lauren. Just give me an hour.”
“Okay.” Her voice is shaky. “I’ll give you some time. I love you, big brother. And I’m proud of you.”
I choke, staring at the wall where no one can see the guilt consuming me. “I love you, too.”
I’ve been staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes, wishing there was a way I could turn back the clock and not handle things the way I had that night. I was a second too late—one second. I should have never turned my back on my father. Why did I start with Marcus? Why? Glenn has always been the real villain. Two people died that night because of me.
“How are you feeling, sweetie?” The nurse comes in and checks on my vitals.
“You
don’t want me to answer that.”
She considers me a moment, her eyes showing pity. “Our chaplain is right outside your door. He was wondering if he could have a word with you?”
“Send him in,” I tell her, glancing in that direction.
She peeks around the corner, and they exchange a few words before the chaplain walks in.
“Hello Luke.” He smiles. “I’m Pastor Sorenson, one of the chaplains here at the hospital. I understand you’re having a difficult time with some recent events in your life.” His voice is filled with concern.
Watching him warily, I mutter, “Uh huh.” I’m not sure what all he knows. I don’t like the idea of dishing out my personal business.
“I’m also a licensed counselor with the FBI and wondered if you’d like me to pray with you? Many times prayer will help relieve some of the emotional stress one is feeling … sometimes even physical pain.”
“That’s very kind of you, but I’m going to decline. Thank you, though.”
Disappointment flashes across his features, then he nods, digging into his pocket. “Here’s my card if you change your mind. I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”
I take it and set it on the table, as he starts for the door. “Goodbye, Luke. Remember, you’re not alone.”
Where have I heard that before? Andrew. “You remind me of someone,” I blurt out, but he doesn’t hear me. He’s already gone.
I press the red button to get the nurse’s attention. It takes a couple minutes before she prances in with a wide smile and her hands on her hips. “What can I get for you, handsome?”
“I need to make some calls, and there’s no phone in here.”
Her face falls. “Unfortunately …” She sighs. “That I can’t help you with. It sounds silly, but the nursing staff was given special orders not to give you a phone, or allow visitors unless they’re family. If you’re looking for your wife, she’ll be here shortly.”
Right. “You mean Rachelle?”
“Yes, your wife. I called to let her know you’re awake. She’s thrilled and said she’s on her way.”
I hold back a groan. “Thanks. Do you know when I’ll be allowed to communicate with people outside of the hospital?” I assume the restriction has to do with the investigation. “There are people I need to get ahold of, and it’s important.” Reese is going to need someone right now, and I want to be there for her.
Resisting Ryann Page 14