Monroe D. Underwood
At the back door Candi Yakozi stood on tiptoes.
She bit my earlobe gently but with authority.
She whispered get this over with and hurry back to me.
On my way to the alley I fell over a bunch of garbage cans.
Twenty thousand dogs started barking.
A door flew open.
A big guy came out on a porch.
He had a flashlight that shone clear to Milwaukee.
Which is where I wished I was.
The big guy said what are you doing out there?
I said I am falling over a bunch of garbage cans.
He said what the hell do you want?
I said I want you to turn off that goddam flashlight.
I said you are putting me blind.
The big guy said I am going to call the cops.
I said where were you when I needed you?
He went in and slammed the door.
17
…you show me a man what gets along with everybody and I’ll show you a man what don’t got a friend on earth…
Monroe D. Underwood
I hiked down to the end of the alley and up to the corner.
He was standing under a streetlight.
He was medium-sized.
He was smoking a cigarette.
I walked up to him.
He was a swarthy man with hot beady black eyes and a colossal hawklike nose.
A crooked white scar ran down his cheek and found sanctuary in a bristling walrus moustache.
He looked me over.
He blew smoke in my face.
He said hey whattsamatta you?
I said just what is your purpose in strolling up and down in front of that building on the other side of the street?
He said well inna firsta place amma notta strolla uppa downa fronta building other side street.
He said amma strolla uppa downa fronta building thissa side street.
He said hey if wanna strolla uppa downa fronta building other side street firsta thing do is crossa street.
He said thinka over onna way home.
He sneered.
He flipped his cigarette butt at me.
It hit my shoulder.
There was a shower of sparks.
He said okay kid?
I shrugged.
I brushed the ashes from my coat.
I said permit me to make a rather timely suggestion.
I said it is my rather timely suggestion that you get your ass out of this neighborhood before I kick it up around your ears.
He put his hand on his hips.
He spat on the sidewalk.
He said well amma greaseaballa sonnabitch.
I said that’s the most sense you’ve made so far.
He gave no warning.
He just cut loose with a whistling haymaker.
I ducked.
I could hear a car approaching.
He swung again.
This time he came close.
I pawed at him with my left.
I heard the car squeal to a stop.
He had circled away from me.
My back was to the street.
He smiled knowingly.
I heard the car door slam.
He had help on the way.
I landed an overhand right that drove him into a big clump of Japanese yews next door.
Somebody grabbed my shoulder.
I spun free.
I blasted the new guy with a roundhouse left that draped him over the hood of his car.
It was a big black car.
Like in the gangster movies.
The cops came.
18
…oncet upon a time there was a woman what took no for a answer…they stuffed her and put her in a museum…
Monroe D. Underwood
At the Shakespeare police station a grizzled old desk sergeant was gargling a salami sandwich and working on a crossword puzzle.
Kellis J. Ammson was cupping a hand to his swollen jaw.
He was pointing a shaking finger in my direction.
He said I want this man electrocuted and deported to flaming Transylvania.
I shrugged.
I said how was I to know he was working for you?
The station door flew open.
Candi Yakozi swept into the room.
She embraced me.
Passionately.
She kissed me.
Lingeringly.
She looked into my eyes.
Worshipfully.
She said you are my hero.
She said love me and the world is mine.
I shrugged.
I said the guy’s name is Gino Scarletti.
I said he is a private eye from the Ammson agency.
I said your husband was having you watched.
She said where is my husband?
I said New Hampshire.
Candi Yakozi nodded.
She said I knew it was somewhere around there.
Gino Scarletti kept flexing his jaw and blinking.
He said hola worlda screwed up.
Kellis J. Ammson said I know it Gino.
He said but it was okay until Purdue came along.
The grizzled old desk sergeant looked up from his crossword puzzle.
He said private detectives give me a royal screaming pain in the ass.
He said I will now give the whole bunch of you just thirty seconds to clear the goddam premises.
Kellis J. Ammson trumpeted like a teed-off bull elephant.
He said this flaming homicidal mental case attacks two law-abiding citizens and you just sit there with a flaming coloring book.
The grizzled old desk sergeant said this is a crossword-puzzle book you imbecile.
He said you now got fifteen seconds.
On the way out Kellis J. Ammson glared at Candi Yakozi.
He said oh boy is your flaming husband ever going to get a report on you you flaming whore.
Candi Yakozi snarled.
She said call girl you uncouth boor.
She took me by the arm.
She said what is an uncouth boor?
She said I heard it on TV.
She snuggled up to me.
She said you are coming home with me.
I shrugged.
I was too tired to say no.
19
…the faithful man allus gets bored…the unfaithful man allus gets caught…ain’t hardly worth it neither way…
Monroe D. Underwood
The next morning Betsy was in my office at nine-forty-five.
I stuffed my copy of Eagles magazine into a drawer.
I said you’re early kiddo.
Betsy didn’t reply.
Her face was expressionless.
She handed me a container of steaming black coffee.
She gave me a cigarette.
She held her lighter for me.
She stroked my head.
She gave me a pat on the cheek.
She said sweetheart angel apple-dumpling love of my life.
I said speak sweetlips.
She said Chance I am going to kill you you sonofabitch so help me Christ.
I said your girl friend damn near beat you to it.
I said I had to play Alte Kameraden all the way to the office.
Betsy’s pale blue eyes were blazing.
She said why you lying cheating philandering casanova romeo gigolo any old port in a storm man about town.
I said who’s lying?
Betsy said Candi Yakozi called me right after you left.
She said that female was absolutely delirious.
I said is that unusual?
Betsy said Candi Yakozi thinks you are the greatest thing since popcorn.
I said that figures.
I said she sure buttered me up.
Betsy said who seduced whom?
I shrugged.
I said I have no idea.
&
nbsp; Betsy said how incredibly odd.
She said first you lose your self-control and now you have misplaced your memory.
She said I hope you still have your socks.
I said do not jest.
I said it was a traumatic experience.
I said I may never be the same.
Betsy said spare me the sordid details.
I said doesn’t that Candi Yakozi ever sleep?
Betsy went to the door.
She said after I pick up some uniforms I’ll take you to lunch.
She said permit me to recommend the Strychnine au Cyanide.
I said uniforms?
Betsy said black underwear Beau Philo.
She said I’m a working girl.
She went out.
She nearly took the door off its hinges.
20
…prime difference between a nice woman and a whore is a man knows what a whore is up to…
Monroe D. Underwood
After the steak sandwich I was nipping on my green chartreuse and sipping on my coffee.
I said is Candi Yakozi a whore?
Betsy said now say it right.
I said is she a call girl?
Betsy said of course.
She said Candi just might make some money if she’d stop giving it away.
Betsy poked at the brandy ice with her spoon.
She was staring at me.
She said you bum.
I said how long can a woman be a call girl?
Betsy said as long as she wants to I guess.
I said what happens when she gets old?
Betsy said well instead of being a young call girl she is an old call girl.
I said how long do you figure to be a call girl?
Betsy said until you marry me.
I said boy I sure hate to think of you being an old call girl.
Betsy said not a chance.
She said I’ll get you before then.
I said do you enjoy your work?
Betsy frowned.
She said oh some of it is very good.
She said some of it is very bad.
She said most of it is very ho-hum.
She said but it keeps me from missing you.
She said which reminds me.
She said it’s been almost forever.
I shrugged.
I said we’ll go to my place next time.
Betsy said but I have a water mattress.
I said you also got a goddam phone.
I reached for the check.
Betsy beat me to the draw.
I didn’t argue.
21
…other day they caught a feller what wasn’t overthrowing the govinment…wasn’t demonstrating…wasn’t queer…wasn’t practicing no yoga…wasn’t bothering nobody…wasn’t doing nothing but going to work every day…throwed him in the loony bin…said he had no place in today’s advanced society…
Monroe D. Underwood
That afternoon a little guy with straggly red hair and shiny blue eyes came in.
He said I want you to find out why my mother is receiving a lot of obscene telephone calls.
I said well before we find out why we got to find out who.
He said oh that’s easy.
He said I know who.
I said who?
He said me.
He said but I don’t know why.
I sent him over the Ammson Private Detective Agency.
I said Ammson is absolutely tops in situations of this nature.
22
…you show me a man what strikes while the iron is hot and I’ll show you a man with a whole mess of third degree burns…
Monroe D. Underwood
I was reading the last page of “Revenge Flies a Silver Spad” when the telephone rang.
It was a gruff-voiced man who told me his name was D. L. Ambercrombie.
He said D. L. Ambercrombie of Ambercrombie and Jones.
I said oh yes.
I said the exterminators.
Ambercrombie said no you are thinking of Abrams and Brown.
He said you were recommended by one of your recent clients.
He said can you come up to Logan Square about four o’clock this afternoon?
He said it’s most important.
I said just a moment.
I said one of my secretaries is out on an errand.
I said I think the other one is in the can.
I said let me check the appointment book.
I finished “Revenge Flies a Silver Spad.”
I put the Eagles magazine away.
I picked up the phone.
I said Mr. Ambercrombie it looks like you’re in luck.
I said how’s four-thirty?
I said I’ll try to make it earlier but I’m all tied up on a big embezzlement case.
Ambercrombie said I understand.
He said four-thirty will be fine.
He gave me the address.
He said be careful.
He said this is very hush-hush.
He said don’t talk to anybody but Myrtle Culpepper.
He said she’s my receptionist and she’ll show you right in.
23
…some women is less amazing than others…I ain’t never met none of them kind…
Monroe D. Underwood
Ambercrombie and Jones was an agency for Northern Consolidated Insurance.
The ordinary store-front property was beautifully done inside.
It was paneled in black walnut.
It had vertical Venetian blinds and ankle-deep salt-and-pepper carpeting and oil paintings and soft lighting.
It had rubber trees and ivy plants.
It had FM music.
And it had Myrtle Culpepper.
Myrtle Culpepper was a dead ringer for Whistler’s mother.
Only she was older.
She wore a navy blue high-collared dress with a little gold World War I service pin at the throat.
Her faded lips smiled a welcome.
Her voice was no more than slightly cracked.
She said Mr. Purdue?
I took off my hat and held it like when they play “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
I said yes ma’am.
Myrtle Culpepper’s eyelashes fluttered like little lost butterflies.
She said Mr. Purdue permit me to compliment you on your excellent manners and on your haircut.
She said these days one meets so very few genuine gentlemen with masculine haircuts.
I shrugged.
I blushed.
I said yes ma’am.
Myrtle Culpepper giggled.
She said oh heavens how utterly sweet.
She put a waxen hand to bluish hair.
She nodded toward the rear of the building.
She said Mr. Ambercrombie is expecting you.
There were two doors.
One was orange and open.
It had D. L. AMBERCROMBIE on it in white plastic letters.
The other door was beige and closed.
It had no name on it.
I figured the nameless door belonged to Jones.
If your name is Jones why bother?
Not that Jones isn’t a hell of a name.
Some of my best friends are Joneses.
D. L. Ambercrombie was slouched in a high-backed executive chair.
He was a short burly man.
He reminded me of a gray-haired fireplug.
He looked vaguely familiar.
He had a foot up on the corner of his desk.
There was a hole in the heel of his sock.
I like men with holes in their socks.
Their unimpressiveness impresses me.
Ambercrombie waved hello.
He said sit down Purdue.
He said I got your name from a Miss Yakozi earlier in the day.
He said she mentioned that you handled a personal matter for her last night.
He said Miss Yak
ozi told me that you acted most expeditiously.
Ambercrombie brought his foot from the desk to the floor with a bang.
He said Purdue this is no assignment for a dummy.
He said I want an intelligent man of action.
I shrugged.
I said the action part comes real easy.
Ambercrombie grinned apologetically.
He said well you know what I mean.
He said some private detectives are dummies.
He lowered his voice.
He said can we speak man to man?
I said I guess we got to.
I said there ain’t nobody else here.
Ambercrombie said I know a lady who hired a dummy private detective to follow her husband.
He said only a couple days ago when I was doing some collecting for a sick agent.
He said would you believe that this dummy detective followed me around for hours?
I said I just bet that this dummy detective thought he was tailing her husband.
Ambercrombie laughed uproariously.
He said he had to give her money back.
He said he sure was a dummy.
I said you better get your taillight fixed.
Ambercrombie stared at me.
I said I think maybe I am clairvoyant.
Ambercrombie said well by God.
I said how well do you know Miss Yakozi?
Ambercrombie winked.
He said about three hundred dollars’ worth.
He said how about you?
I said somewhere between not well enough and too goddam well.
Ambercrombie said I ought to get Jones in here.
He said but he has a couple of guys in his office.
He said Jones and I have been in business for thirty years and we’ve never seen anything like this.
He said three Friday mornings ago six hundred dollars was missing from our safe.
He said two Friday mornings ago we were minus seven hundred.
He said last Friday it was eight hundred.
Ambercrombie scowled.
He said you know what I think?
I said sure.
I said you think it will be nine hundred this Friday.
Ambercrombie said I think some sonofabitch is stealing money.
I said you probably got something there.
Ambercrombie said this is Thursday.
He said can you spend tonight here and find out what is happening?
The Dada Caper Page 3