Ambercrombie said Purdue you are a damn good man.
When I hung up I was smiling.
I called Booligan.
Booligan said did you locate that crazy old broad yet?
I said no but I’m working on it.
Booligan said Purdue you are an utterly worthless sonofabitch.
When I hung up I was frowning.
Betsy was watching me.
She said woe unto you when all men shall speak well of you.
I said where did you get that?
Betsy said from Luke.
I said if he’s a customer you better be careful.
I said he talks funny.
Betsy said Luke in the Bible.
I said maybe you ought to start thinking seriously about the Salvation Army.
I said you’d make field marshal overnight.
I said when you are field marshal you could have the band play Alte Kameraden.
Betsy got a call about eleven o’clock.
I said what time will you be back?
Betsy said oh one o’clock or so.
I said I think I’ll go over to Wallace’s for a nightcap.
62
…one thing what you can bet on…you can bet there ain’t no woman what you can bet on…
Monroe D. Underwood
When I entered Wallace’s I found Wallace sitting on the floor behind the bar.
He looked dazed.
He was missing some hair.
His face was scratched.
His lower lip was swollen.
He said I just been raped.
I said Wallace don’t let this destroy you.
I said you will rise above this.
I said it is always darkest before the dawn.
I said time heals everything.
Wallace said hold the onward and upward baloney.
He said catch that old woman.
He said she went out the back door.
He said I am going to sell this joint.
He said I am going to Turkey where I will raise about ten million acres of goddam opium poppies.
I went through the back door on the double.
An old woman was leaving the alley.
I caught up with her.
I grabbed her arm.
She turned.
She smiled sweetly.
She said why Mr. Purdue.
She belted me alongside the head with her purse.
She must have had an anvil in it.
63
…I never knowed a solution what ever solved anything yet…
Monroe D. Underwood
When all the colored lights stopped flashing I sat up.
A piece of paper was sticking out of my shoe.
I unfolded it.
It was a fifty-dollar bill.
Ulysses S. Grant had a red moustache.
I staggered back to Wallace’s.
Wallace was on his feet.
He said well it wasn’t a total loss.
He said she left me five dollars.
I said give me some change for the telephone.
I rubbed my scalp where the hair was missing.
The scratches on my face burned.
I licked my swollen lower lip.
I called D. L. Ambercrombie and Booligan.
I told them about Myrtle Culpepper.
64
…sure wisht I had all that there drinking time I wasted just sleeping…
Monroe D. Underwood
Betsy held the ice bag to my head.
She said try to forget it Chance.
I said she seemed like such a nice old broad.
Betsy said all you need is sleep.
I said how can I sleep after this?
Betsy said let me show you.
She said come to bed.
She said baby I’ll put you to sleep.
Betsy put me to sleep in a hurry.
65
…you give some women six inches and they want a mile…
Monroe D. Underwood
Betsy woke me up late the following morning.
She handed me a lighted Camel and a cup of black coffee and the Chicago Sun-Times.
She said take a look at the front page.
I did.
I saw a picture of Myrtle Culpepper.
The accompanying article said that Myrtle Culpepper was probably a crusader.
It said that since the dawn of time rape has been the inviolable province of the human male.
It said that Myrtle Culpepper was to be applauded in her noble struggle to level this unreasonable barrier.
I gave the coffee back to Betsy.
I said I want to trade this in.
I said on a fifth of Sunnybrook.
I spent the day drinking.
I drank scotch and peppermint schnapps and a fifth of champagne.
I listened to the radio.
Myrtle Culpepper had become a legend in her time.
Myrtle Culpepper fan clubs were springing up like weeds.
The United States Coast Guard band played “The Myrtle Culpepper March.”
It sounded a little bit like Alte Kameraden.
All except the middle parts.
I watched John Dewberry’s five o’clock newscast.
John Dewberry was a darkly handsome man with liberal leanings.
His silver tongue was loose on both ends and hinged in the middle.
John Dewberry stated unequivocally that Myrtle Culpepper was on the right track.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper was a gallant and courageous lady.
He likened her to Carry Nation and Amelia Earhart and Bernadette of Lourdes.
He offered to meet Myrtle Culpepper secretly.
He said he was anxious to get her views on the subject of equal opportunity rape.
He invited her to call him at the television studio immediately.
I spent the evening drinking.
I drank peach brandy and blackberry brandy and apricot brandy and cherry brandy.
I said Betsy do you have any cucumber brandy?
Betsy shook her head.
She said Chance all this drinking can’t make things any better.
I said well you may rest assured there is no way it can make them any worse.
Betsy said why don’t you put it out of your mind?
She said why don’t you just recite “Hats Off the Flag Is Passing By”?
She said or sing “God Bless America.”
She said or something.
I didn’t answer.
I poured some tequila into a glass of Ovaltine and settled back to watch John Dewberry’s ten o’clock newscast.
John Dewberry had nothing to say about the bombing of the Mormon Tabernacle by the Symbionese Liberation Army Air Force.
He avoided mention of the mass suicide of the entire United States Senate.
He ignored the capture of five United States aircraft carriers by a Cambodian rowboat.
John Dewberry got right down to important things.
He announced that he had met secretly with Myrtle Culpepper.
He said that he had learned Myrtle Culpepper’s views on the subject of equal opportunity rape.
John Dewberry was missing some hair.
His face was scratched.
His lower lip was swollen.
John Dewberry said that Myrtle Culpepper had been exceedingly difficult to interview.
He declined to discuss certain details of their meeting.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper presented a serious threat to American society.
He added that Myrtle Culpepper would present a serious threat to just about any other society that came readily to mind.
He included those of the African crocodile and the Himalayan abominable snowman.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper was an utterly demented and dangerous female.
He likened her to Lizzie Borden and Lucrezia Borgia and Lady Macbeth.
He apologized to Lucrezia Borgia.
> He recommended that the Illinois National Guard be mobilized within the hour.
He further recommended the prompt issue of nuclear weapons.
He apologized to Lady Macbeth.
He broke down and wept.
He said I was given fifteen cents.
He apologized to Lizzie Borden.
He requested his audience to join him in a moment of silent prayer.
He signed off.
I had a double vodka and went to bed.
Betsy had the clock-radio on.
It was playing “The Myrtle Culpepper Tango.”
The announcer said that bumper stickers were beginning to appear on cars driven by little old ladies.
He said they read Go Myrtle Go.
I got up and had a glass of gin.
When I came back to bed Betsy said I just heard a news flash.
She said somebody has invented a Myrtle Culpepper doll.
She said you wind it up and it rapes somebody.
66
…oncet I knowed a feller what went around impersonating General Custer…got hisself scalped at a Methodist camp meeting…
Monroe D. Underwood
By Friday morning my hangover was almost gone.
I drove to the Elmwood Park Post Office and picked up my pay.
From there I went to Wallace’s.
Old Dad Underwood was dozing in a booth.
Wallace was studying him with bloodshot eyes.
Wallace glanced at me.
He said do you know that just looking at him gives me a terrible headache?
I said I thought it was the air pollution and them Sox.
Old Dad Underwood stirred.
He yawned and opened one eye.
He gave Wallace a dirty look.
He said you wouldn’t know a headache from a ingrown toenail.
Wallace said maybe not but I know a pain in the ass when I see one.
Old Dad Underwood said well you got to admit that I am one pain in the ass what ain’t never got raped yet.
Wallace gnawed on his raw knuckles.
He said Chance is that goofy old broad still running around loose?
I shrugged.
I said so far as I know.
Wallace shuddered.
Old Dad Underwood climbed out of the booth and sat beside me.
I bought a round.
I said I don’t suppose you have ever heard of a Nivlek Ysteb.
Old Dad Underwood said oh sure.
He said you was talking about him just the other day.
He said who is Nivlek Ysteb?
I said Nivlek Ysteb is a big-shot Communist.
Old Dad Underwood shook his head.
He said well you sure ain’t going to find no Communists in this neck of the woods.
He said you want to find Communists you got to go down on Armitage Avenue in the thirty-three hunnert block.
He said I ain’t never seen so many Communists.
He said why they got more Communists down there than you can shake a stick at.
I said how do you know?
Old Dad Underwood said oh I come by there every so often.
He said there is Communists all over the goddam place.
I said I mean how do you know they are Communists?
Old Dad Underwood shot me a look.
He said they got long hair that’s how.
I gave a meaningful whistle.
I said oh my God man you should have told me this earlier.
I said this is valuable information.
Old Dad Underwood put a warning hand on my arm.
He said listen boy you better stay out of there if you don’t got long hair.
I said do you have to have long hair to be a Communist?
Old Dad Underwood frowned.
He said well by God that’s the funny part.
He said there is short-haired Communists in Russia.
He said even in China.
He said but not on Armitage Avenue.
He said not in the thirty-three hunnert block.
Wallace drifted over with a couple of beers.
He said when I sell this joint I am going to Newfoundland where I will become a fisherman.
He said when you get out on that there ocean you don’t get but very little air pollution.
He said and no Sox.
Old Dad Underwood said you going to have to watch out for all them there mermaids.
He said good looking feller like you liable to get hisself raped.
The phone rang.
I knew it was Betsy from the way Wallace blushed.
He handed me the phone.
Betsy said come on home.
She said we are going to have a big fish fry.
I said if you had to have a big fish fry you should have waited.
I said Wallace could have given us one hell of a deal.
I said I’ll be there in about forty-five minutes.
I finished my beer.
I drove west to Pulaski Road.
There was a wig shop on the corner.
I bought a long-haired black wig and a drooping black moustache.
I stuffed them into my jacket pocket.
When I got to Betsy’s place Mary Bright was walking Bonzo.
Bonzo leered at me.
Mary Bright waved.
I didn’t stop.
Bonzo sat down and howled as though his poor heart would break.
On my way up the stairs I put on the wig and moustache.
I knocked on Betsy’s door.
When Betsy opened it I hollered down with the imperialistic capitalist whore.
I jumped into the room.
I grabbed Betsy by the throat.
67
…feeling bad oncet in a while makes feeling good feel even better…
Monroe D. Underwood
I regained consciousness very slowly.
I was doubled up on the floor.
I was clutching my groin.
I was groaning.
Betsy was holding the ice bag to my head.
I said baby it isn’t my head this time.
Betsy said good Lord Chance I didn’t know it was you.
I said kung fu you too Betsy.
Betsy said honey I’m sorry.
She said you scared me to death.
She said besides you didn’t say call girl.
She said where did you ever get that absolutely ridiculous disguise?
I sat up gingerly.
Betsy said when you feel better I will mix you a nice strong drink.
I said the hell with the nice strong drink.
I said see if you can find a Bible.
68
…any time a feller gets to enjoying storeboughten fish he got to be either crazy or in love…
Monroe D. Underwood
The fish fry was delicious.
Betsy is the world’s greatest cook.
Betsy makes her own tartar sauce.
You got to be awful smart to make your own tartar sauce.
69
…inside every Communist there is a capitalist what don’t want to go to Siberia…
Monroe D. Underwood
During coffee Betsy started to laugh.
She said you looked like Rasputin with all that crazy hair.
I said I do not know the rock musicians by name.
Betsy said Rasputin is dead.
I said he must have been kicked in the groin.
Betsy said tell me about the wig.
I said well tonight I got to go down to the thirty-three hundred block of Armitage Avenue.
I said there is a whole mess of Communists down there.
I said they all got long hair.
Betsy nodded.
She said of course they do.
She said please excuse me for a moment.
She said I have to make a phone call.
70
…oncet there was a TV station what said everything is just d
andy…that night the antenna fell down…
Monroe D. Underwood
Later on Betsy and I watched a half-hour special on how the mayor was screwing up the city of Chicago.
This was followed by a half-hour special on how the governor was screwing up the state of Illinois.
Then we saw a half-hour special on how the President was screwing up the United States of America.
I got up and slipped into my sports jacket.
I put on my wig and drooping black moustache.
I said I better go.
I said I got a hunch God comes next.
71
…oncet I knowed a feller what swerved his car to avoid hitting a polecat…ran over three priests and a rabbi…just missed a couple preachers…regretted it the rest of his life…
Monroe D. Underwood
I spotted the ’74 black Mercury when I left the building.
It was parked just north of my car.
There were two guys in it.
Both had beards and moustaches.
They were watching me intently.
I walked to my car.
Nonchalantly.
I got in.
Nonchalantly.
I lit a cigarette.
Nonchalantly.
I started the engine.
I stomped on the accelerator.
Rubber screamed and smoked.
The Olds 98 rocketed away from the curb.
The Mercury got started late but my rear-view mirror showed that it was closing fast.
As I approached Mama Rosa’s grocery store I saw Mary Bright’s Airedale dash into the street.
I hit the brakes.
The Olds fishtailed.
It went over the curb and onto the sidewalk.
The Mercury sideswiped a tree.
It wiped out a mailbox.
It knocked over a fireplug.
It crashed into Mama Rosa’s grocery store.
I heard the sounds of falling glass and a lot of hollering.
Then I heard a lot of hollering and the sounds of falling glass.
I piled out of the Olds.
Water was spurting thirty feet into the air.
Women were screaming.
Babies were crying.
Bonzo was barking.
The Dada Caper Page 9