by S. M. Smith
Oh Jesus! I could use your strength right about now.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I focus on breathing as I try to calm myself down. When I think I can handle the masses again, I step out of the stall and turn on the cold water. Pulling a paper towel out of the dispenser, I wet it and dab the back of my neck and just below my eyes, trying to remove some of the red splotches on my skin. As I turn the water off and turn to leave, Janine enters the bathroom, clearly in search of me.
“Stephen told me what Ruth asked. Are you okay?” she asks, pulling me into a hug. I let her hold me just for a second before I pull back and take one last deep breath.
“Yes. Thank you. Has the service started?”
“Getting ready to. Are you going to be alright in there?”
I nod and square my shoulders, determined to get back to the peace and enjoyment I have been having the last twenty four hours. She holds the door open for me and we quickly make our way to our seats. Stephen’s worried eyes silently ask if I’m okay as I take the seat beside him. I give him an encouraging smile in response to his unspoken question. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to him as a video is cued up on the cinema-like screen above us. I turn my attention to it when the music starts to play.
A young woman starts describing the clinic she volunteers at and the tearstained faces of the darkest skinned people I’ve ever seen play like a slideshow to her words. The pictures change to a village of houses, if they could even be called that. They look more like huts that have been pieced together by pieces of sheet metal and billboard signs, topped with thatch roofs.
“The conditions are deplorable and aren’t getting any better in some parts of the country. But the love of Jesus is clearly evident here.” The young woman’s voice breaks as a picture of a group of children in faded, tattered t-shirts dominates the screen. “I arrived thinking that the people of Haiti needed me and my help. And they did. But in the end, I found…I needed them just as much as they needed me.”
The conversation Stephen and I had in the car Friday night about getting away rushes back to me and I feel a gentle pull in my heart. I look over at him as he pulls his arm back and rests his elbows on his knees, face glued to the screen. I place my hand on his back, getting his attention. I nod toward the screen, wide eyed. He turns back to the screen for just a second and when he turns back to me, his face is fully illuminated. And with a simple nod, I know. We’re going to Haiti.
Chapter Six
~Stephen~
“Psalm thirty four, verse seventeen. ‘The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.’ The people of Haiti will tell you they know this to be true through the work that our teams have done. They can feel the love of Jesus in simple acts. Things that many of us do here at home, serving food to the hungry, building shelter for those who need it, praying with a lost soul or broken heart, sitting and listening to a story.” A tanned middle-aged gentleman speaks into the microphone from the stage after the video, talking about his experience working with the Haitian people.
I stare at the pictures of the buildings these people live in and my heart nearly explodes. Here Jessie and I have been looking at these large country homes with acres of land and the safest of structures and there are real people who live with dirt floors not five feet from their neighbors. And the faces of those kids. How can anyone not look at them and feel the need to make their situation better? Jessie and I must do something.
She rubs my back again and I know she’s thinking the same thing. We were just talking about needing to get away for a while. Shelby’s announcement and Ruth’s question both are painful reminders of the struggles Jess and I are having with what we are going through, and more are sure to come. Jessie handled Ruth’s question seemingly well, but what happens the next time. How many times am I going to find her hiding in a studio to get away from Daphne’s overbearing restrictions? Will she really be able to handle Shelby’s pregnancy when every time Shelby walks into the studio, everyone is going to want to know how she’s feeling or what is going on with her baby?
I want to take her away from all the things that are bringing her down, from all the chaos in her life right now. And in the grand scheme of things, we could make a difference; focus on someone other than ourselves for a while. Haiti is where we’re going to get away from it all, and hopefully help these hurting people in the process.
Jack starts his sermon, but I hear next to nothing. My mind is reeling with the things we will need to look into before we need to go. I’m sure there are vaccinations and most likely a physical will need to be scheduled for both of us. The idea makes me wonder if Jessie will even be able to continue her medication, but I push the thought away almost immediately.
I doubt if Jessie will mind if we put house hunting on the back burner until we get back. We could just let our realtor know to keep an eye out for whatever she thinks we would like, but we don’t need anything immediately.
I spend the next thirty minutes thinking through things like this; who will need to take my cases while I’m gone, Jessie will need to make sure both sites are fully staffed before we leave, someone to get the mail while we’re gone. The more I think about going to Haiti and doing something to help people overcome their situation, the more at peace about where God is taking our family I become.
As soon as we’re dismissed, Jessie looks at me with expectant eyes. I shake my head and glance toward my parents to let her know that I don’t want to talk about it in front of them just yet. She gets my unspoken message.
“I’m going to go check in on the Ferguson’s daughter. I’ll be right back,” she smiles and I let her go and manage to sneak out to the foyer. I search the crowd and find the gentleman from the stage. He’s handing Mrs. Taylor a pamphlet of information and thanking her for her prayers and support as I approach the table he’s standing behind.
“How are you doing today?” In the bright sunlight from the foyer windows, the gentleman seems more tan than he appeared on stage.
“I’m doing really well actually. My wife, Jessie and I are looking for some more information on the team you’re putting together for your next trip. We would like to join it.” I think the resolution in my voice takes him off guard.
“Wow. Okay, well first things first, my name is David. David Newton.” He holds his hand out for me to shake it. I take his hand and pump it a little too determinedly.
“Stephen Cahill. So when are you looking to send us down?” He smiles kindly, but I see something in his face that makes me think that he doesn’t believe we’ll actually make it on to the team.
“Well, we are hoping to have a group down there by mid-May. The team is still too small to quite make it worth the time, money and resources available to us. Have you guys ever been on a trip like this before?”
I think about the last mission trip that Jessie and I went on. We decided to take our senior trip to NYC with a group to do some inner city work. The last time we went out of the country was to Mexico, but we were still in high school then.
“I’ll admit that we haven’t been on anything like this before, but we are very interested. You might say we need a trip like this.”
David raises a guarded eyebrow. I’m not about to get into our story with this guy I’ve just met right now, but I need him to understand that we are serious about becoming a part of this team.
“My wife and I were just talking about needing to get away from our situation. We were talking a vacation of sorts, but after seeing the pictures of the homes and buildings that you guys are working with, we believe our talents and resources could really be useful in the efforts in Haiti. So are you guys doing an informational meeting or anything that we could plug into?”
David looks incredulously at me for a moment or two longer and finally makes his decision on whether to take me seriously or not.
“Um, yeah. Yes. We will be meeting here.” He hands me a brochure with a listing
of a church I’m unfamiliar with in Raytown. “Next Tuesday at six thirty. Raytown’s kind of a drive from here, I’m afraid.”
“It is. But my wife and I live in Kansas City, so it’s not a drive at all for us. We’ll be there.”
David gives me one last questioning look before he finally lets up.
“Alright,” he says, nodding his head. “I look forward to discussing the details of the trip with you then, Mr. Cahill.”
Just then Jessie joins us, wrapping an arm around my waist. She smiles excitedly up at me.
“Did you get the low down?” she asks buoyantly before turning to David. “Hi. I’m Jessie Cahill.”
He reaches out and shakes her hand and introduces himself.
“Cahill? You wouldn’t happen to be related to Mark and Janine would you?” Recognition hits him and I see him start to take me seriously.
“They’re my parents,” I tell him and see him relax a little.
“I see. Well, Stephen, Jessie, I look forward to seeing you Tuesday night, then.”
After shaking his hand again, I take up Jessie’s hand and giddily rush her out to the car. The sun is shining bright, but is doing little to warm the air this morning so her face is flushed with color by the time we are safely behind closed doors again.
“In a hurry, are we?” she chuckles as I climb into the car. I smile guiltily at her. “Do I even need to ask if you want to go on this trip?”
“No, we’re going. That is if you’re on board.”
“I am. It’s perfect timing, we were just talking about needing to get away. What better way to—“
“I had the same thoughts. But…” I don’t know how she’s going to take my question, and I’m saved from having to ask myself.
“Do you think I’ll be able to continue with my hormone routine? I mean, the trip will only be like a month or so won’t it? But it is a third-world country and I’m not sure how safe it would be for us to… you know.” She blushes and I’m reminded of the fun we had last night.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. But we have an appointment with Dr. Graham this week, so we can get the information from David on Tuesday and then talk to her to see what she has to say. But…would you consider going if it means that you would have to stop treatment?”
She looks down at her hands, undoubtedly questioning if she has the strength to put every effort on creating a family on hold. I can’t believe I even asked her that and kind of expect her to start crying. I’m pleasantly surprised when she looks up at me expressionless.
“I don’t know. Part of me says no, I don’t think I could. We’ve worked and sacrificed so much in the last year, that I don’t want to undo whatever progress we could have made already. But then there is another part of me who just wants to…let it all go. Get back to being me.” She says the last part quietly.
“Well.” I pick up her hand and kiss the palm of it. “If it’s any consolation, I think the last day or so has been…refreshing.” I can’t help the smug grin that grows across my face. The last couple of days has been anything but close to what our normal had become.
“Yeah? I’ve rather enjoyed it too.” Her smiles fades as something crosses her mind.
“Hey, where are you right now?” I ask.
“Right here, with you.” She glances at her hands one last time before looking back up at me. “What if we have to stop treatment and something goes wrong? Like we can’t get pregnant…ever?” Her voice cracks and I watch her war with the idea.
“Hey, don’t think like that. We have to continue to believe that whatever happens, God has a plan. I don’t believe He would have put such a deeply rooted need for us to have a family without providing one for us. We just have to trust that He’ll take care of everything. Like He always has.”
She nods and her eyes gloss over in an amorous way and I have to remind myself that we are still sitting in a, albeit emptying, parking lot. Our family’s church parking lot at that.
“That. That right there just reaffirms why I have fallen so hard for you.” She leans up, wraps a hand into my hair and kisses me sweetly. She pulls back just enough so that our noses touch and smiles brightly.
“And you were concerned otherwise?” I smirk at her and kiss her once again.
***
“So what were you discussing with David?” my dad asks as he passes the bowl of potatoes to me.
Everyone stops talking. Jessie and I had decided that we weren’t going to say anything to our parents until after we had the chance to talk to Dr. Graham. But clearly we can’t hide anything from our ever watchful parents.
“Well.” I look over at Jessie who nods her consent. She takes up my hand. “Jessie and I are considering joining the team going to Haiti in May.”
Dad and Jack smile and nod, but as expected, Mom isn’t nearly as thrilled by the idea.
“Honey, I don’t think that is a good idea. I mean Jessie is just getting over a major surgery and you’ve just gotten your promotion. You guys are house hunting and the studio–“
“Mother.” My tone comes out a little harsher than I intended and I feel Jessie squeeze my hand. Hard.
Mom stops talking though.
“I know that you guys have been under a considerable amount of stress lately. I think that what your mother is trying to do is make sure that you are both fully aware of the potential consequences of going.” Jack looks at Jessie, no doubt implying the sacrifice of our pursuit of children.
“We have several things we have to consider before we can fully commit to the trip.” Jessie sounds so diplomatic. An overwhelming sense of pride overcomes me as I watch her do her best to defuse the situation. “We will make sure to take all these things into consideration before we make any final decisions. But we do ask that you would be prayerful while we are deciding and be considerate of what we feel is best for ourselves and our future family.”
My mother doesn’t look like she’s going to let this go so easily.
“But Jessie, darling, you have sacrificed so much. You both have come so far and we know how much you want children of your own. It would break my heart to watch you throw it away to—“
“To what, Mom?” I feel my temper start to get out of control and although I know I should probably keep a hold of Jessie’s hand, I let it go. “We need this. Do you have any idea how hard the last year has been for both of us? Do you know what it’s like to find your wife curled up in the fetal position because one of her best friends just told her that she and her husband are expecting? Or do you know what it feels like to have to sit in a hospital room wondering if the love of your life is ever going to get what she wants, let alone if the surgery she just underwent will successfully take away her chances of getting a life threatening disease? Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch her go through all the pain and not be able to do a damn thing about it?”
I realize too late I have crossed the line. Jessie and my mother both stare at their plates.
“Yes, son,” my father says quietly, but sternly. “We actually do know what it’s been like. Which is precisely why we are concerned about the sacrifices you’re so willing to make just to go on this trip.”
“They are all sacrifices we need to make,” Jessie says calmly. “I’m not saying we are excited about making them, but I… just need a break. I can’t handle one more person asking me when we’re going to start having children when they don’t know what we’re going through. Or, from those who do know what we’re going through, one more well-meaning friend or family member asking me if I’m going to be okay when I see or hear about a pregnant woman. I need to get out of this depressing and rather irritating situation where I have turned my whole world completely upside down.
“I’m tired. I’m tired of taking on a fight I have no clue if I’m winning or losing. I’m tired of medication and peeing on sticks only to be disappointed. I’m tired of bursting into tears and feeling guilty over the things that should be celebrated. I’m tired of putting myself through al
l of these ridiculous restrictions only to watch everyone else around me enough the little things in life.
“So instead of focusing on me and what I’m going through, we’re going to take the opportunity to focus on something else that doesn’t involve…our current predicament.”
Jessie finally looks up from her plate to find each of us staring in reverence. I watch as acceptance grows in Jack’s eyes, followed shortly by my father’s.
“And if that means you are to go off your medication?” Mom asks.
Jessie finds her eyes and without backing down replies.
“Then I’ll go off them. And I’ll finally let God take complete control over the situation and let Him do with our situation as He pleases.”
***
“We sure know how to quiet a crowd,” Jessie says as she kicks off her heels.
“Yeah, we do.” I drop our luggage next to the bedroom door and watch her as she takes off her necklace and hangs it on the hook of her jewelry box.
She pulls off her sweater and stands facing me in her skinny jeans and button up blouse. She wraps her arms around my waist and looks lovingly up at me.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” she asks quietly.
“Are you sure you’re willing to stop taking hormones if I say yes?” I ask her back.
“I think so,” she says earnestly after a moment or two. The weight of what I’m asking her to do settles in and now I’m not sure if I want her to make this sacrifice.
“It’s okay if you’re not.”
“Let’s just get all the details before we start stressing about it.” She reaches up and cups my cheek.
“You were pretty amazing today, you know?” I tell her. The image of her standing up to my mother flashes through my mind.