by Linda Ford
"I love you, Mama."
"And I love you, Chastity, ma cherie."
Chastity smiled at her. "Now do you suppose I should go see about supper?"
"I think Emma has it under control, but perhaps you should see if Colin can be persuaded to eat a bit."
Colin was watching the door as she entered. "I've been waiting for you."
She smiled. "I'm fine if that's what you're worried about."
"You've been crying."
She nodded. "But it was a good sort of crying."
"I never could understand that sort of thing." He chuckled, his pale eyes warm as the bright summer sun.
"Thank you for going to all the work of finding us and bringing us news of my father."
"It was not as difficult as you might imagine."
They heard a knock on the door, and Emma stuck her head in. "Michael's here asking for you."
"Ah. The young man. He's been patient long enough. You run along and visit him." Colin settled back and closed his eyes. "I believe I'll rest."
"Thank you, Colin," she whispered.
Michael sat in a hard chair, his feet planted on the floor. He smoothed his tie and straightened his lapels as she entered. "I take it the patient is on the mend?"
"Yes, he's much better. Thank God." She burst to share the news Colin had brought, yet the new feelings were too fresh. They needed a chance to mature and stabilize. And so she hesitated.
"Good. I didn't like having to share you with him." Michael crossed to her side and pulled her into his arms, his words muffled against her hair. "I want you all to myself."
His words trickled down her spine, vaguely troubling. How could he expect to have her all to himself if she were to run the boardinghouse? She smiled against his shoulder.
"I'd like that too."
She hoped he would realize how impossible it was under the present circumstances and suggest they consider alternatives, but he only hugged her.
"So Colin will be leaving?"
"He's too weak to get out of bed."
"Are you telling me your nursing duties aren't over?" he asked, pushing her away so he could look into her face.
She stiffened. "They aren't as demanding as they were."
He dropped his hold on her and stepped away. "I hoped I wouldn't have to say this, but it seems I have no choice." His blunt fingers rubbed across his hair. "I cannot accept the way you devote yourself to him." Eyes cold, he faced her. "I will not play second fiddle to a stranger. I insist you find someone else to care for him."
She shrank back as if he'd threatened her. "That's ridiculous."
How could he be so high-handed? Caring for others was part of running a boardinghouse. Certainly, the time she had given to Colin's care was above the norm, but in some circumstances, more time than usual was demanded.
"What if it were Mrs. B who was sick?" Suspicion flared. "What if it were Mother?"
He refused to answer.
She refused to look away. "Is it Colin you object to or having to put yourself aside for an evening or two?"
"He's been here ten days."
Chastity blinked. Since when did Michael keep track of her daily activities?
"Because if it's just Colin, you're being ridiculous. He's brought Mother and me a message."
Michael's contemptuous snort made her glad she hadn't told him anything more.
"How very convenient." He glowered at her and then took a deep breath and started to plead. "Chastity, try to understand. I've hardly seen you in over a week."
She breathed hard. She should be flattered by his words, but suddenly they sounded petty, possessive. "If you'd needed me for anything, I would have done things differently, but—" She threw up her hands. "Colin, on the other hand, was very ill. I could hardly let Mother take over his care."
"He's better now. You said so yourself. So are you going to do as I ask and find someone else to give him the extra care you insist he needs?"
"It sounds very much like an ultimatum." She spoke quietly.
He half shrugged. "I suppose you could look at it that way."
She took a step toward him. "Michael," she pleaded, "it doesn't have to be this way."
He drew back. "Are you refusing to do as I ask?"
She stood helpless and confused. Perhaps she could find someone to care for Colin, but she didn't want to; she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, asking about her father. Besides, she'd grown close to Colin during his illness. She didn't want to turn his care over to someone else. For some unfathomable reason, she needed to do it herself.
Michael waited, stern and unrelenting. Michael, her dearest friend. How could he demand this of her?
She shook her head. "Michael, please understand. I must do it."
He stepped away. "Then you leave me no choice but to withdraw my offer of marriage."
Her knees gave way under her. She reached out to the tea table for support.
"Michael, no."
"I fear you are not the person I thought you to be. When I marry, I will not share my wife with another man. Not for any reason." He walked out of the room without a backward glance.
Chastity sank into the nearest chair, moaning.
Chapter 9
Fearing someone would come into the room and wonder why she was huddling in the chair, Chastity squared her shoulders and headed for the kitchen to prepare a tray of chicken noodle soup and custard for Colin.
He gave her a surprised look when she entered his room. "The young man has left already?"
To her chagrin, she burst into tears.
Colin said nothing as he waited for her to stop crying.
"He said—it was—over," she managed to say between sobs. "He—doesn't understand."
"I see." Colin pulled himself up on his pillows. "What is it he doesn't understand?"
"Me," she said, fresh tears welling up in her eyes.
"Well, that is rather important in a relationship such as yours."
Chastity, hearing the smile in his voice, took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I didn't mean to do that."
Colin's smile was gentle, his voice soft. "I don't imagine it's the sort of thing one plans to do. Now tell me what happened."
She shrugged, suddenly discovering she had no idea how to answer him. "He withdrew his offer of marriage."
"Sounds like a lover's quarrel. If he really loves you, he'll be back soon, apologizing for being so silly." He gave her a hard look. "One would assume he does love you?"
She couldn't meet his gaze. "I'm sure he does. He just never thought to tell me."
"What!" Colin exclaimed. "I should think it would be uppermost in his mind. I would expect him to be so overwhelmed by love he couldn't stop talking of it."
Chastity could feel his gaze upon her like hot flames, but she refused to meet his eyes, afraid he would see more than she intended.
"What about you?"
His soft tone did not deceive her. She knew he was probing her depths. She squirmed.
"What do you mean?" She made her eyes tell nothing as she faced him.
"Do you love him?" Before she could answer, he added, "Or does he feel safe to you?"
A wave of confusion swept through her.
"Ahh." Colin nodded. "So that's it."
"No. I don't know. Maybe. We are good friends. Michael and I have a lot in common. We think the same. Or at least I thought we did."
"Were you perhaps seeking the security you never knew from your father?" He didn't wait for an answer. He didn't seem to want one. "Don't be misled. Security is not necessarily found in taking the safe, comfortable path. God has created you with a heart full of dreams. Follow your heart. Don't quench your emotions."
Her thoughts swirled. Questions she had never dared to ask raced through her mind. Had she accepted Michael's proposal simply because it felt safe? Because Adam's confessed love frightened her with its inherent risks—and its intensity.
"I'm so confused."
&
nbsp; Colin squeezed her hand. "Change is often frightening."
She clung to his hand. Life had turned on its side.
"Chastity, God will guide you, but you must be willing to step out in faith. Now you run along and let me rest."
She sprang to her feet. "I've taken too much of your time."
He laughed, a soft, pleasing sound. "I seem to have a great deal of time right now. I'll pray for you to be able to sort out what it is you want."
She murmured her thanks and hurried from the room.
Later that evening, she sat on her mother's bed.
"Something's troubling you, ma cherie. Is it hearing from your father?"
Chastity swallowed back a sob. "Michael says he's changed his mind about marrying me."
"But why?"
Michael's resentment and his ultimatum poured forth.
"Did you explain that it's always been our policy to care for strangers in distress?"
"I tried. He should understand. The really unfair thing is he insisted it was wisest for me to keep running the boardinghouse after we married. He wouldn't even discuss other options."
Tears pooled in her eyes, but she was too drained to cry.
Her mother pulled her into her arms, and Chastity cradled her face against her neck, breathing in the scent of rosewater and powder.
"Chastity, I'm so sorry." She waited a moment. "But I have been praying you would make the right decision. I wouldn't want you to make the kind of mistake I made. Far better you sort these things out ahead of time. If he loves you, he'll be back."
"That's what Colin said too."
In her own room, she sat at the little table, opening her Bible to the page where the name, Simon LaBlanc, stared up at her. She unfolded his letter and lay it beside the Bible. And over it all, she mentally placed the name Michael Martin.
How did it all fit together?
If you find someone to love, that is the most important thing you can find.
The sentence from her father's letter jumped out at her.
Love. Love protects, perseveres, trusts, hopes. Was it love she felt for Michael? Or safety?
Was she looking for something she had missed as a child? Was she afraid to take risks because of that lack?
Why did Adam keep popping up in her mind?
Because you refused his love out of fear.
The words blared through her thoughts.
She stared into her heart.
Adam had confessed a deep, passionate love for her, and she had run away because it frightened her. She didn't want to live with his need to visit strange new places.
He had never promised he wouldn't go away. He had only said he would come back.
And that had scared her.
But would Adam be Adam if he didn't have a hunger to see and know and record everything he saw? Could she ask him to be anything less?
Love trusts. Love perseveres.
She ran her fingers along the page of her father's letter, letting his words of counsel sift through her consciousness.
It was too late to think about how things might have been with Adam. But it was not too late to be honest about who she truly was and what she wanted.
She was her father's daughter as much as her mother's. She wanted love. She wanted trust. And while she was being truthful, she could not deny she wanted a little home of her own with a husband and children. Michael was comfortable, but it seemed he was not able to give her the things she wanted any more than was Adam.
Father God, You know my desires. You know me better than I know myself. Guide me in the right direction.
* * *
The days passed. Colin slowly gained strength and began getting up.
Michael did not return.
Chastity admitted what she felt for him had not been love, yet she missed his visits terribly. She missed hearing about the children and discussing lesson plans. After several Sundays of seeing him at church and aching at the way his glance slid away from her, she sought him out after the service, catching up to him as he headed home.
"Michael, can we talk?"
He paused, his back to her. She thought he was going to walk away without answering. Then he turned around slowly. "Certainly."
She fell in step beside him, suddenly not knowing what to say to him. "How have you been?"
"Fine."
"I suppose you're preparing the final report cards for the class?"
"Yes."
She sighed. "This isn't going the way I'd hoped."
He stopped and faced her. "What had you hoped?"
She searched his face for some sign of what he was thinking, but his eyes were guarded, his expression controlled. "I was hoping you'd agree to be friends."
He stared at her.
"I've missed our visits." She rushed on. "I think we were both mistaken in thinking we could be anything more than friends. We want different things, but still we share a lot of common interests." She faltered. "I guess I hoped we could go back to before."
He laughed. "Before our ghastly mistake, you mean?"
She nodded uncertainly.
His eyes darkened. "You aren't mad at me for being so pigheaded?"
It was her turn to laugh. "Of course not. You only made clear what was happening. We're good at being friends but not much good at planning marriage." She waited as he relaxed.
"Friends?" She held out her hand.
"Yes, friends." He clasped her hand for a moment. "Now tell me how you are and how things are at the boardinghouse."
As they meandered home, they filled each other in on the events of the past few weeks. At the last corner, Chastity drew to a halt. "Michael, be honest with me."
He nodded. "I'll try."
"You never really loved me, did you?"
He looked sheepish. "I was hoping to find someone who loved me more than anything else in the world—in a way I've never known." His voice grew husky.
"Michael." She hugged his arm. "I'm sorry I couldn't be that person, but someday she'll come along. And you'd better be waiting for her."
"I hope you're right."
"I'm sure I am."
She stared down the street. What Michael wanted was what she wanted. Probably what everyone wanted. Would she ever know that sort of love? A pair of glittering blue eyes sprang to her mind. Adam said he loved her. But was it only part of some fanciful dream he had carried for years? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What did it matter? She had turned him away, and he had left, perhaps for another ten years.
"Come for dinner," she said to Michael. It would help keep her mind occupied.
A few days later Colin announced, "Thanks to the good care and excellent food I've enjoyed, I am fully recovered. It's time I was on my way. I'll be leaving on Friday."
His words echoed around the table. All eyes turned toward him.
Beryl bobbed forward. "Mr. Courtney, why must you leave? I'm sure there's something here you could find to do."
"I have things I must attend to."
The Knutsen boys dipped their heads in unison and resumed eating.
"Are you sure you're quite well?" Louise asked.
"I'm fit as a fiddle."
"A man must do what he has to do," Mr. Elias said. "We will certainly miss you."
"Where are you planning to go?" Roy asked.
Chastity could see Roy's mind busy with how far, how many days, how long.
"I'm heading west." Colin's smile was gentle. "There's someone I must find." He looked into Chastity's eyes. "I will certainly miss this place."
She lowered her head, afraid she would cry in front of everyone. It was impossible to imagine life without Colin; he had come to mean so much to her.
"Don't feel you have to rush away," Mother said.
Chastity waited until supper was cleaned up and Emma headed home before she sought out Colin. He was sitting on the veranda steps, his back against the post, gazing into the sky.
She pulled her skirt around her legs and sat bes
ide him. She didn't speak. There was no need. All she wanted was to be with him and cherish his presence.
After a few moments she murmured, "I wish you didn't have to go."
"I do too."
"Then why go?"
He touched her shoulder. "Because I must."
She drew in a breath.
"Chastity, I will never forget you. I will pray for you every day. I wish you all God's best and every happiness."
"Thank you," she said faintly.
He squeezed her shoulder. "If I had a daughter, I would want her to be exactly like you."
A sob caught in her throat.
He smiled. "My dear, remember—follow your heart. It will guide you to love and happiness."
She nodded.
They sat under the stars for a long time. Then Colin rose.
"I think it's time to get some sleep." He helped Chastity to her feet. "Don't be afraid of the future, my child. God will guide you."
"Good night, Colin." The door closed softly behind him before she whispered, "Good-bye."
On Friday, Chastity and Emma prepared a special meal for Colin's farewell dinner. Michael and young Gordon Simpson had been invited.
"Isn't this exciting?" Emma put the finishing touches on the trifle she'd prepared.
Chastity tried to smile. "You mean Gordon coming?"
Emma held her hands over the whipped cream a moment before she turned to face Chastity. "I was forgetting about how you're feeling. You'll miss him, won't you?"
"It won't be the same with him gone." Chastity lifted her shoulders. "It's like losing one of the family."
Emma's eyes softened. "I'm sorry."
"It looks as if everything is ready." Chastity stirred the gravy. "Have our guests arrived?"
At that moment the back doorbell sounded, and Emma stepped over to admit Gordon. Then the front doorbell rang, and Chastity hurried to open the door for Michael. Everyone was there. There was no delaying the inevitable, and she announced supper.
Somehow she got through the evening, and the next morning she managed to wave good-bye to Colin without breaking into tears. She watched him ride out of sight and for a long time stared down the road after him. Then she returned indoors, thankful she had a meal to prepare, the garden to take care of, and shopping to do.