by RM Johnson
What was she going to do now? Whatever man did this to Asha was coming back for some reason, and now he would do the same to Angie. There was only one thing to do. Angie continued to hold Asha’s head, but she slid closer toward the door, attempting to kick it closed and lock it before the man could enter. Angie moved herself as close as she could without dropping Asha’s head back to the tile, and stretched her leg out, kicking the door. It swung almost completely closed, but was stopped all of a sudden. When the man walked in, Angie had Asha’s head in her lap, cradling her, and defending her at the same time.
“Please don’t hurt us. Just leave and we won’t tell anyone,” Angie pleaded.
But Jayson didn’t know what she was talking about, didn’t even know what was going on until he took the time to actually see what was before him.
“Asha!” Jayson yelled, throwing himself down toward Angie and Asha.
“Please!” Angie said, throwing her arms up.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” Jayson said, gently pulling her arms away. “I’m Jayson, her friend. I live upstairs. What the hell happened? Is she alive?” he said, frantically.
“Yeah. But I think she got raped,” Angie sobbed.
“Raped!” Jayson said, shocked. She was badly beaten, and he could see blood staining the space between the legs of her jeans. It certainly looked as though she had been raped, but there was no sign of a struggle, Jayson thought, looking around the bathroom. And if she had been raped, why did she still have her clothes on?
Jayson looked over the room again, and caught sight of the empty prescription bottle. He reached for it, read the white label, and knew there had been sleeping pills inside it. He immediately stood and hurried toward the kitchen.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Angie cried.
“Try to wake her up right now. I’m calling 911. She overdosed on sleeping pills.”
50
“She tried this before,” I told Angie, while sitting in the emergency waiting room. I had been thinking about telling her for the hour and a half we had been there, and kept telling myself not to, but it seemed like she really loved Asha, cared as much as I did about her, so I felt she should know.
“It was years ago, when her sister died in a car accident.”
“Why would she try again?” Angie asked me.
“I don’t know,” I lied, getting up and walking away from her, knowing that it probably had something to do with me.
I walked to the nurses’ station. “Can we see Asha Mills, yet?” I asked, and although I knew the haggard-looking female nurse was tired of me, I really needed to see Asha.
“I’m sorry, sir. As soon as the doctor is ready for you to see her, he’ll let you know.”
I looked at her for a long moment, letting her know that I was displeased with her answer, and then walked away from there. I didn’t go back to Angie, but walked down the hall and stood in front of a snack-filled vending machine, looking at my sad, sorry-ass faint reflection in its plastic front.
If I hadn’t allowed this shit between Asha and me to go on so goddamn long, this would’ve never have happened. If I’d just said something to her when I wanted to, instead of being so damn frantic to race over to Faith’s house and be with her.
Damn Faith, I thought for a moment, but then corrected myself, telling myself that it wasn’t her fault that I hadn’t been there for Asha. It was mine.
I thought about the moment I’d walked in and seen her on the floor like that. I’d thought she was dead. I’d thought in that one moment that I had lost my best friend for life, and everything I did and said wrong to her came back screaming in my head. I thought I would never have a chance to take any of it back, to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I needed her to be there and never leave my life. I was so grateful that she was still alive, and I would tell her all this whenever that damn doctor finally let me see her.
I walked back down the hallway, toward the emergency waiting room, and when I entered, I saw the doctor talking to Angie. I walked quickly, almost ran over to them.
“What’s going on? Is she going to be all right?”
“She’s going to be fine. But you were right. She was raped. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t want us to call the police. She doesn’t want us to do anything more than treat her.”
“Can we see her, Doctor?” Angie said, worry on her face.
“Yes. Right this way.”
He escorted us back to a curtained area. When we pulled it back and walked behind it, Asha was there dressed in a hospital gown, bandages on her face, arms, and hands, lying in a bed. Her face was still bruised pretty bad, but from what little I was able to see of it that moment, some of the swelling looked to have gone down some.
Her head was turned away from us, her arms crossed over her belly, looking as if she were still making a weak attempt to protect herself.
“Asha,” I said. She didn’t turn around to look at me. “What happened, and why won’t you tell the doctor?”
Still she said nothing.
“Asha, baby,” Angie said, stepping a little closer to the bed, enough to lay a hand on the blanket above her leg. “Tell us what happened. Tell the police so they can catch this man.”
“I’m not saying anything,” Asha said, her head still turned away from us. “And I never will.”
“Asha, why not? Something has to be done, or this man’s just going to go out there and do it—”
“It won’t happen again,” Asha said, turning to us, her face barely recognizable because of all the damage and repair that had been done to it. “And I’ll never mention it again, so don’t ask.” She turned her face back away from us.
“Asha, baby—” Angie started.
“Why didn’t you just leave me there?” Asha said, interrupting her.
“What are you talking about?” Angie said, walking around to the other side of the bed, so Asha would have no choice but look at at least one of us.
“Why didn’t you just leave me there on the floor to die. That’s what I wanted. Didn’t you see the bottle of pills. Nobody shoved them down my throat. I took them myself because I wanted to die. So why didn’t you just let me?”
Angie looked particularly hurt by the question, as she sat down on the edge of the bed, raising a hand to touch Asha’s hair.
“Because I love you. You know that.”
Asha turned away from Angie’s hand. “You don’t love me. If you loved me, you would’ve stayed with me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have called me tonight talking about—”
“That’s over,” Angie said, starting to smile.
“What’s over?”
“Deric’s over. I listened to what you said, girl. What you’ve been saying all along. I’ve been acting like it was no big deal for you to come out and accept yourself, but like there was no way in the world I could’ve done the same thing, like I had so much more than you to lose. It wasn’t that. It was just that I was scared to death. I wasn’t as strong as you, didn’t trust myself to be able to deal with whatever negativity came from this. I also realized that I can’t go on ignoring my feelings, my need to be loved, and love someone back. And I mean really, truly love them. Like I love you.”
Asha looked up at Angie, her lips starting to quiver, her eyes starting to tear. She shook her head, back and forth.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Angie said smiling, gently caressing the side of Asha’s injured face.
“It’s just that this has been so hard,” Asha said, the tears rolling down her cheeks. “All my life I dealt with this, trying to be someone I wasn’t, trying to be truly loved by someone, when there was no way, because I wasn’t even being true to myself. But now you’re saying that you love me?”
“Yes, baby. I’m saying that,” Angie said sweetly, looking down into Asha’s eyes.
“It just can’t be happening. I just can’t believe it,” she said.
“It’s happening, Asha,” Angie said, lean
ing down to kiss the tears that rolled down Asha’s cheeks. “Believe it, sweetheart.” She kissed Asha on the lips, and Asha kissed her back. I thought seeing something like that, especially with it being done by someone so close to me, would’ve shocked me, but it didn’t. Maybe because I could see that it was real, that it was true. The love that they felt for one another at that moment was so apparent that it transcended all that male÷female, sexual orientation stuff. Hell, half the heterosexual couples in the world would be happy and proud to share a love like that, I thought.
“Well, I’m going to go to the ladies’ room and allow you two a little time to talk. Okay?” Angie said.
“All right.”
Angie got up and walked out of the room, leaving me standing five feet from the bed, looking stupid, both my hands sunk into my pants pockets.
“You can come closer, or are you afraid you’ll catch the lesbian bug. I assure you, it’s not contagious, not even through sexual contact,” Asha said, and she was even smiling a little. I was never more happy to see that smile.
“No, no,” I said, taking a huge, quick step forward. “I was just over here trying to think of how many ways I could apologize to you.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Jayson.”
“I went through your things,” I said.
“I didn’t tell you about who I really am,” she said.
“Well,” I said.
“Well,” she said, nodding her head a little. “That kinda beats yours, hunh?”
“I don’t think so. I think they’re about even. Let’s call it that.”
“Okay.”
I missed her so much, and just looking down at her, being next to her, speaking to her, and her speaking back to me, made me feel whole again. I don’t know how I ever thought that I could go on without her in my life in the first place.
“You know I love you, don’t you?” I said to her.
She smiled even wider. “Yeah. I know it, and I knew it all the time we were mad at each other. I even knew it when you kicked me out, and when we both stood in the doorway, looking stupidly at each other. I knew, Jayson. And I love you too.”
She raised her arms, and I eagerly placed myself within them.
“And please, please, please, don’t you dare think about moving out, all right,” I said.
“Don’t worry. I haven’t found a place, and I haven’t packed a thing,” she said, chuckling.
I gave her a concerned look. “Asha, I gotta know what happened.”
She gave me the look right back, looking like she was about to tell me not to even think about asking again, but said, “All right, Jayson. I’ve kept enough from you, so I’ll tell you. But just allow me to do it in my own time. Is that fair enough?”
“Fair enough,” I said, leaning in to give her a hug.
51
When Asha was finally released from the hospital, it was 9 A.M. the next day. The hospital had to call the police, and the boys in blue had to come anyway, even though Asha still wasn’t talking and wasn’t planning on filing any charges against whoever did this to her. There was also a counselor who had to come and speak to Asha, who surprisingly enough, Asha did talk to. She even made an appointment to start sessions regarding the rape and the suicide attempts.
I left her and Angie in Asha’s apartment, telling them that I had to rush off.
“You seem excited. Where are you headed so early this morning?” Angie asked.
“Well,” I said, knowing I was going to get it from Asha, “I guess I forgot to mention this, but I’m getting married this afternoon.”
Asha looked at me, her eyes bulging, her mouth wide open. “Jayson. Who? Faith!”
“Asha,” I said, throwing up my hands. “I know what you’re going to say, but—”
“No, you don’t,” Asha said, shaking her head. “I was just going to say congratulations.”
I said, “Are you sure you’re okay with it?”
“Jayson,” said Asha, “I know you’re not a damn fool. I know you love that girl, and whatever happened over the last couple of weeks, it had to have been something huge, and something that made you know this is the right thing to do. So as long as she doesn’t hurt you again, who am I to stand in your way?”
I hurried, putting on my tuxedo, watching the clock, and smiled into the mirror. The teeth were sparkling, I looked dazzling, so there was nothing else to do but call the bride, tell her I was on my way, and head out.
I hung up the phone feeling wonderful, wondering why I even entertained the foolish questions I had a few moments ago. Everything was fine. No, better than fine. Great! All I had to do was find my keys, and I would be on my way.
I looked over toward the TV, and there they were. I walked over there, grabbed them, but didn’t lift them off the television. I let my hand rest there, because what my hand was next to was a tape that just happened to have recorded images of the woman I was about to rush off and marry.
No, don’t do it, I told myself. What good would it do to start all that up over again? What fucking good would it do? None, I answered. But then I halted, my back to the videotape. It was like the thing was alive, like it was beckoning to me, tearing down my resistance, forcing me to want to view it again, to want to relive that horror that had changed my life.
I shut my eyes tight, summoned up every little bit of will power I had, and took steps away from that tape, to the front door, and out of my apartment.
“I now pronounce you man and wife,” I heard the justice of the peace saying. He was smiling, as I looked up at him, Faith and I both anticipating his next sentence.
“You may now kiss the bride.” I leaned in toward her, gently taking her veil, raising it over her head to see her beautiful face. I leaned in closer, and she did the same till our lips touched, and it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced …
That’s exactly how I imagined it would’ve happened if I hadn’t broken down, opened the front door, gone back to that videotape, popped it in the VCR, and sat there on my wedding day, watching my soon-to-be wife sleep with someone else. I watched the tape all the way through.
I pressed the Stop button, unable to bear the sight of it anymore. I grabbed the tape out of the machine, walked out on my front porch, and just sat there with it in my hand. It was a beautiful, bright sunny day, too. A perfect day for a wedding, but I just couldn’t bring myself to take another step after seeing what was on that tape again.
I sat like that for a long time, every now and then looking down at my watch, determining the points in time when I felt Faith would start getting suspicious, when she would start calling, and when she would jump in her car, and start heading over here.
By 11:20 A.M., I knew that any minute she’d be driving up in her beige Camry, all decked out in her wedding gown, like a woman going to a Halloween party in June. I looked down the street, in the direction I knew she would be coming from, and amazingly enough, there she came.
Her car screeched to a halt, she got out, whisked around the front of the car, but stopped in her tracks the minute she got close enough to see my face.
“Oh no, Jayson. Please, not wedding day jitters,” she said, her shoulders slumping.
She walked closer to me, holding up her dress with both hands, trying not to get grass and dirt in it.
“You look beautiful,” I said sadly when she stepped right in front of me. And she did, but she was probably barely able to hear me, because I was speaking into the hand that I had buried my chin and cheek in.
“Jayson, please don’t tell me you started thinking about all that other stuff and now you’re having second thoughts. Please don’t tell me that,” Faith said.
“I won’t tell you that. But how about I say, I was looking at all that other stuff, and now I’m having second thoughts.”
Faith looked at me oddly. “What are you talking about?”
I held out the videotape I had been holding. She took it.
“What’s this
?”
“Our wedding gift from your friend Karen.”
“Come on, Jayson,” she said, flipping it over in her hand, looking for a label to let her know what was on it. “Stop playing games, and tell me what’s going on. I still wanna get married today, you know.”
“It’s a tape of you and Gary, that night in the hotel room. The night I walked in on you.”
Faith’s face went white, and the tape dropped from her hand, cracking in half, the ribbon unraveling some out onto the sidewalk. She looked down at it, jumped a step back from it like it was a snake that had bitten her and was trying to strike again.
“What?”
“She wanted me to see that you were cheating so that I’d want to be with her,” I said, as though none of it mattered anymore.
“That bitch!” Faith said, shaking her head. “Why would she do all that to me? She was supposed to be my friend.”
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“If it didn’t matter, you’d have picked me up like you said you were going to,” Faith said.
“I had planned to. When I called you, I was all ready to pick you up, but something made me watch that tape again.”
“Jayson, how many times have you watched it before?” Faith asked, softly, moving closer to me.
“I don’t know. I lost count.”
“Aw, Jayson,” she said, sympathetically, placing a hand on the hand I was holding my face up with. “I’m so sorry, baby. But you know that happened in the past. You knew about all that, and I thought we’ve gotten past it. Haven’t we?”
“Yeah, I thought that too, but …”
“But what, Jayson?”
“What if this happens again?”
“It won’t.”
“How do you know that?”
“I’m not sure, but I just do.”
“But what you did … you hurt me. Don’t you know that!” I said, exploding at her all of sudden, not knowing where the outburst came from.