I took off my jacket, rolled it up as a makeshift pillow, and lay down in the sand. My mind was empty, my body was heavy, and I didn’t know what to think or feel. I just lay there, listening to the sound of waves and thinking how I probably had just screwed up my entire career and everything I had ever worked for. A lifetime of hard work, and I had managed to destroy it all within a matter of minutes.
The sand warmed and comforted my skin, and the sound of the waves hypnotized me into a dreamlike state. I allowed myself to drift away. Away from reality. Away from what I had just done.
Suddenly, I was back onstage, telling lies and doing high-fives with the sharks. Betsy was sitting in a chair, all alone in the dark conference room. She was crying. Then Alistair Parker’s face showed up. First, he was laughing, then he was screaming. There was no sound, only froth coming out of his mouth. My dad was there, too, looking judgmental and disappointed. And in the background my mom was dancing, wearing her 1950s dress and humming a song from South Pacific.
Dad spoke: “You better watch out, so the tide doesn’t carry you out and feed you to the sharks.”
His voice was different. In fact, it didn’t sound like him at all. Whose voice was this?
“Aloha, lady. Are you alive?” It was as if someone touched my shoulder, and I gave a little scream and quickly sat up in the sand. I had water up to my thighs and pulled myself farther back on the sand, dizzy and confused. Where was I?
A warm and friendly laugh came from above.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just didn’t want to see you ending up as shark food on this beautiful day.”
A young man with shoulder-length blond hair was staring down at me with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly it all came rushing back to me.
“Oh, nooooo,” I said out loud and covered my face in my hands.
“Nice to meet you, too!” the man laughed.
I slowly removed my hands from my face and looked at him. Tanned and fit with sun-bleached hair and dressed in a white T-shirt and long, colorful shorts, he was the poster child of a surfer dude. He carefully sat down on the sand beside me.
“I don’t mean to intrude or anything. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”
He had a very friendly and open face, and his eyes were the bluest I had ever seen. It was almost difficult to look into them.
I suddenly felt a bit self-conscious, realizing I must look like a crazy woman in my corporate outfit covered with sand. The surfer dude seemed to enjoy the situation.
“Now, this is what I call beaching in style,” he teased.
Realizing the absurdity of the situation, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Thank you. I figured bathing suits were so last year.”
“Beach fashionista with a sense of humor. I like it!” He grinned. “I’m Josh, by the way.”
“Maya,” I nodded, smiling at him.
He seemed charming and friendly, in a non-intrusive way.
We sat in silence for a little while and just looked out over the ocean. I was still mortified over how my presentation at the conference had turned out.
I glanced over at Josh. I couldn’t help thinking that he was one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen, like a blond Greek god. He looked very young, maybe twenty-five. Yet something about him felt very old.
He looked back at me and smiled. “So, what have you been up to today, Maya?”
I shook my head. “Oh, you don’t want to know.”
“Try me!”
I looked at him; his eager face and kind smile were hard to resist.
“OK. Well, I just blew up my entire career and everything I have been working toward for the last fifteen years because I wasn’t able to lie to a group of seniors and tell them to invest in something they shouldn’t.”
Josh grinned. “Cool,” he said and continued looking out over the ocean.
I started laughing. I guess I shouldn’t have expected any other remark from a surfer dude.
“So, do you regret telling the truth?” he asked.
I was silent for a while. Did I regret it?
“No,” I finally said. “I honestly don’t think I would have been able to live with myself had I deliberately lied to those people.” I let out a sigh. “But even though I think I did the right thing, it still feels like shit right now.”
Josh looked at me. It felt as if his crystal blue eyes could see right through me. He smiled. “Do you want some words of wisdom?”
“Yes, please!” I figured I could use all the wisdom I could get.
“Shit happens! But life goes on.” Josh grinned.
I laughed out loud. Was this guy for real?
“I guess it does. But right now, I have absolutely no idea what’s next.”
“You’ll figure it out,” Josh said.
Then we sat quietly again, overlooking the ocean, listening to the calming sound of the waves.
“So, how are you liking the island so far?” Josh asked and leaned back on his elbows in the sand.
I was still trying to find a comfortable way to sit, feeling a bit awkward about the way my pencil skirt curled up toward the top of my thighs.
“I honestly have no idea. This is the first I’m seeing of it.” I looked around. “But from what I can see, it looks pretty good.”
“Well, if this is all you’ve seen, you’re in for a treat.”
“I don’t think so.” I shook my head. “I’m actually leaving tomorrow.”
Josh just smiled and sat quietly and looked out over the ocean. I had the feeling he would rather be in water than on land.
“So, do you surf?” I asked, feeling a bit stupid, asking such an obvious question.
Josh slowly shook his head and sighed.
“I used to, but not anymore.” He fell quiet again. I sensed he didn’t want to talk about it.
“So, what’s it like? To surf, I mean.” It felt like a safe enough question.
He smiled widely and let out a happy sigh. “It feels like heaven.”
I was mesmerized by the sparkle in his eyes.
“Surfing was my life. I used to jump out of bed every morning and I’d be out in the water at sunrise, eager to hit the waves.” He took a deep breath and looked out over the ocean. “It was like having a love affair with the ocean—a loving, passionate, but unreliable lover. Some days, she made my life feel like heaven. Other days, it felt like hell.”
Josh fell silent, his eyes resting on somewhere far away.
“If I didn’t listen or acknowledge her, she would punish me, but when I communicated softly with her, and showed her that I loved and respected her, she would send me one perfect wave after the other. She gave me experiences of pure bliss, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Whenever I wasn’t with her, I longed for and dreamed about her.”
I smiled. It really did sound like he had a love affair with the ocean.
He went silent again, and when he continued, sadness came into his voice. “One day she was in a really bad mood. I should have read the signs, listened to her warnings, and not gone out that morning. But I was stubborn. I wanted the bliss. I was selfish, and I just went for it.”
He stopped speaking, and again his eyes looked at something far away. Beyond the horizon.
“So, what happened?” I asked.
“I had an accident and that was the end of it.”
I didn’t ask anymore. I could tell how painful the memories were. It must have been a pretty bad accident.
We sat quietly for a while and looked at the ocean. It sparkled, as if it was covered with diamonds.
It was strange to sit and do nothing with a stranger, yet it felt surprisingly comfortable at the same time.
“You know, there is a saying that no one leaves Kaua’i the same as when they arrived,” Josh suddenly said and looked at me.
“Ha, well that sounds about right. I came here with a job and will most likely leave without one,” I said dryly.
He
smiled gently. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Maya.”
I guessed my face gave me away.
Josh added, “It might feel like crap right now, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
“And why would you think that?”
“It’s just a feeling I have,” he said.
I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
“It takes a lot of courage to do the right thing,” he said. “It might be a hard choice to make, but in the long run, I don’t think anyone regrets listening to their heart.”
I thought about what he just said. I couldn’t say “listening to my heart” had been a great priority in my life. Yet, somehow, I knew Josh was right.
“And life is pretty amazing, you know,” he continued. “When one door closes, another one opens.”
“Oh really?” I said and pretended to look surprised. “Where I come from, we say that when one door closes, you’re screwed.”
Josh laughed.
He had the nicest laugh. It was deep and warm. I loved how we could joke and be serious together, at the same time.
“Well, if you hang around on the island and chill for a while, you may start seeing things differently.”
“Funny how I keep getting that advice.” I shrugged. “To chill, I mean.” I looked over at Josh. “But to be quite honest, I don’t even know how to do that.”
“Oh, that’s really easy,” he smiled, “just do like this.” He leaned all the way back into the sand, arms spread out, and gave a happy sigh.
“OK, I think I can do that,” I said and followed his example. It felt nice to let myself rest in the warm, soft sand. I even made my own happy sigh.
“Good girl. You’re getting the hang of it.”
We just lay silently in the sand for a while, looking up at the bright blue sky. A bird was gliding through the sky, its wings spread out, doing nothing but floating through the air. Imagine being that free.
The tide was getting closer, and suddenly a wave came all the way up to where we were lying. We both jumped to our feet with a laugh and relocated a bit farther up the beach. I brought my curled-up Armani jacket with me. It was soaking wet and filled with sand. I was pretty sure this was not part of the designer’s vision for it.
We just sat and listened to the waves for a while. The sun was slowly making its way toward the horizon, and the ocean was transforming into a blanket of silver.
“Wow,” I sighed. “I must say, I really do like this whole chilling thing.”
“Yeah, me too,” Josh said, and then we were silent again.
A young couple strolled by, arms intertwined, gazing toward the horizon. A little girl was building a sand castle, while her mother relaxed in a beach chair next to her.
After a while, Josh spoke again. “Chilling is not only about relaxing, you know,” he said. “Chilling is just as much a way of thinking and approaching life.”
“Like having a very relaxed lifestyle?” I grinned and looked over at him. He sure seemed to have figured that one out.
He smiled back at me. “Yeah, but it’s more than that too. It’s about living in the moment. Enjoying what is, instead of overthinking the past or worrying about the future.”
I had to admit that sounded a bit difficult. I always analyzed what had been and anticipated what would come. Even now, my head was drifting back to what had happened on that stage and worrying about what messages I would find on my cell phone when I got back to my room.
“This moment is all there is.” Josh spread his arms. “Everything else is irrelevant. The past has already happened, and the future is yet to come. The only thing within your power is this moment, this exact second. And what you choose to do with it determines what comes next.”
I nodded. What he said made sense. Yet, it was far from how I used to think.
Josh took a deep breath, and I instinctively followed his example, taking another deep breath and then another one. My lungs filled with clean, salty ocean air. It felt as if it was washing me clean from the inside. Even my mind felt clearer.
Josh was right. I couldn’t change what had happened at the conference earlier or control those missed calls and messages waiting for me. But I could decide what I wanted to focus on right now.
I felt the sand below my feet and the ocean breeze on my face. It was as if my heart slowed down a bit and a new sense of calm came over me.
I turned my head and smiled at Josh. He smiled back at me. No words were needed.
The sun was starting to set. It looked like a giant fireball going down into the ocean. I hadn’t watched a sunset for as long as I could remember.
“It’s breathtaking,” I said, feeling as if I had just witnessed a miracle.
Josh nodded. “It sure is.”
And then we were silent again.
After the sun had set, a chilly breeze came in from the ocean. I was still wet and was starting to get cold. It felt like reality was sneaking its way back into my life.
I stood up and tried dusting the sand off of my skirt but quickly realized it was a lost cause.
“I’d better go back to my hotel room now, before I catch a cold,” I said. “Besides, I have a feeling there will be a few missed calls waiting for me.”
I told Josh I hadn’t been away from my phone for this long since the invention of the smartphone. “It feels weird. Like a body part has gone missing,” I said.
Josh laughed, and then we slowly walked side by side toward the hotel.
Neither of us said anything, but now and then we looked at each other and smiled. It was nice to not have to fill the space with words. I don’t think I had ever felt this relaxed around a man before. There was nothing threatening about Josh. It was just comfortable. And really, really nice.
When we arrived at the hotel, he turned to me and said, “Should you change your mind and decide to hang around the island for a few days, I’ll be up at Kealia Beach tomorrow, just chilling. You’re more than welcome to come and join me.”
I had to admit it sounded really tempting, but not like something that was likely to happen.
“I would love to, Josh, but I honestly have no idea what the next few days will look like.”
“Good,” he said. “When nothing is certain, everything is possible.”
I smiled as I watched him disappear into the night.
THE DREAM
I was flying, dancing, and gliding through the air. I was having fun, high up in the sky, above the clouds, bathing in the sunshine, and enjoying the wind in my hair. My big wings carried me wherever I wanted to go, without a care in the world. There were no expectations, plans, or places to be. I could do and be anything I wanted. I could go anywhere I pleased.
Why hadn’t I spread my wings earlier? Why hadn’t I known I could fly? Had I forgotten how? I had never felt so free, so lighthearted, so happy. I was laughing until my belly hurt. I knew I was just where I was supposed to be, and I wanted to stay up there forever. What else in the world could I possibly want but this?
I was aware of the ground below me, but I didn’t look. A soft voice whispered, “Look forward,” but another voice shouted, “Look down!”
I knew I shouldn’t. But the shouting voice was very persistent. As I decided to take a quick look, just to see what all the fuss was about, I felt the ground beneath me start pulling me down. I desperately fought against it, but it was too late. Gravity was stronger than I was.
My body was being pulled toward the ground, faster and faster. Suddenly my wings were gone. Below me everything looked gray and dark. Little creatures were scurrying up and down on narrow streets, in and out of big black buildings. First, I thought it was people. Then, I realized they were ants. Giant black working ants. With no will of their own. No souls. No life.
Suddenly, I was on the ground. Trapped inside a big black, ice-cold body. I was shivering and screaming with fear, but no one could hear me. Then I realized why. Ants don’t have a voice.
&nbs
p; I screamed and gasped for air. I had fallen asleep in the bathtub. The water was ice cold, which caused me to shiver. I quickly got out of the bathtub and wrapped the bathrobe around me, stepped over my wet and sandy clothes that were still lying on the floor, and went onto the balcony. I was shaken to the core by the vivid dream. The feeling of being trapped had been so real. But so had the feeling of being happy and free, without a worry in the world.
The air outside was warmer than the air in the room. I sat down on the balcony chair and looked out over the silvery ocean, illuminated by the star-covered sky. I tilted my head back and looked up. I hadn’t seen this many stars since the nights when Mom and I waved Grandma and Grandpa goodnight from our garden.
Suddenly, a shooting star zoomed by and lit up the sky.
“Make a wish, make a wish,” I heard Mom whisper. I could almost feel my little hand in hers.
“Please show me the way,” I whispered into the air.
Then I went back inside, crawled into the big, comfy bed, and fell into a deep sleep.
THE DAY AFTER
The phone in my hotel room woke me up. I quickly put a pillow over my head, desperately wanting the ringing to stop. I wasn’t ready to face reality yet. And why would anyone call this early anyway?
A glance at the alarm clock told me it was 11:00 a.m. What? How was that even possible? Last time I looked it was 10:00 p.m., which meant I had slept for thirteen hours!
The phone rang a few more times before it stopped. I sighed and threw my head back on the pillow. Finally, some peace and quiet.
Then there was a knock at the door.
“Miss Williams, Miss Williams, are you in there?” The person on the other side of my door tried to come in. Thankfully, I had the security chain on, so it only opened a bit.
“Miss Williams, this is Jorge from the front desk. Are you alright? We are receiving calls from people who are worried about you. No one seems to be able to get a hold of you. Do you need any help?”
I felt embarrassed and was glad Jorge couldn’t see me.
“I’m fine, thank you. Tell anyone who calls that everything is fine and that I will call them back. Thank you, Jorge.”
Fly, Butterfly Page 5