“Hey, you said fuck you first!”
“Remember what Mom and Dad said at the airport?”
“What part? They said, ‘Look out for each other. You guys will be on your own until we can join you.’ They said, ‘Don’t get in trouble. We have enough of that already.’ ”
“And they said, ‘Homero, you’re in charge.’ ”
“They never said that!”
“Of course they did! They always do. And even if they didn’t, it was implicit. I’m older, chimp. I’m the fucking boss around here. So, apologize or else.”
“Seriously, dude. You’re such a douche.”
• • •
“That noise is totally freaking me out, Homero. Can’t believe you don’t hear it.”
“Apparently it’s douche-proof, ’cause I can’t hear a damn thing.”
• • •
“Fine. I’m sorry, okay? Can we keep talking now?”
“Not so fast, smarty freckles. First you need to say, ‘I’m sorry, Homero, my irresistibly hot, and wise as hell, older brother. I was a bad and stupid girl. I hereby admit you’ll be in charge for as long as we’re stuck here.’ ”
“Give me a break, seriously. My head’s throbbing like crazy.”
“My head feels watermelon-huge too.”
“I told you. Popping pills you find in the bathroom cabinet of someone you barely know is probably not the brightest of ideas. But you said that it’d be a riot. So much for your being in charge, dude.”
“I’m pretty sure we’d have a headache anyways, even if we’d only be doing fucking Pop-Tarts. It’s not the pills, Ximena. It’s that we’re stuck in limbo.”
• • •
“Did you hear that? Don’t tell me you didn’t.”
“You’re getting on my nerves, chimp. What if I didn’t hear a fucking thing?”
“No wonder.”
“No wonder what?”
“No wonder you’re still single, dude. You’re unbearable.”
“You sound like Grandpa.”
“Excuse me?”
“Every time I saw him, he’d put his arm around my shoulder like we were buddies, and ask the same fucking thing over and over: ‘Have you got yourself a girlfriend yet, Hom? How come I’ve never met a girlfriend of yours?’ ”
• • •
“Homero?”
“Ugh. What?”
“Do you like dudes?”
“Note to self: stop treating your fifteen-year-old sister as if she had a brain.”
• • •
“So? Do you like girls then? Yes or no.”
“I used to, till I had to share a shitty apartment in New York with one. Didn’t I tell you about her? She wouldn’t shut up, caw caw caw caw caw like a fucking parrot all day. And she heard noises. Totally cuckoo. Born-again faggot ever since, dude.”
“Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re so hilarious I’m peeing in my undies.”
“Just keepin’ it real, Sis.”
• • •
“You don’t want to talk about yourself? Fine. I’ve got a question for you, though.”
“Here we go again. Wake me up when you’re at least twenty, please.”
“Do you think it’s possible to like guys but like, dislike having sex with them?”
“Absolutely, chimp. That fleshy thingy dangling in between dudes’ legs? Gross.”
“Every time I try to talk about something serious with you, you make fun of me.”
“Let’s pretend we didn’t have this conversation at all, chimp. You’re too young to worry about that dude shit yet.”
“Thanks for the advice, Dad! God, that was so fucking sissy now I’m positive you love dudes. Big time. Like, dudes with huge cocks, man.”
• • •
“Can we keep talking about wings?”
“Really? That’s so two hours ago.”
“Come on, Homero. I’m getting claustrophobic in here. I need a break.”
“Where did we leave off?”
“You were saying you wish you had steel wings.”
“Just wings, all right? Real wings, any way you like.”
“Fly-away wings.”
“Exactly! See-ya-Mexico-and-all-your-shit wings. I’m-leaving-for-real wings.”
“Homesick wings. I-miss-my-friends-and-my-life wings. I-hate-this-lousy-apartment wings. I-hate-New-York-so-much-it’s-painful wings. I-so-wanted-to-live-here-one-day wings.”
“Careful-what-you-wish-for wings.”
“I-wanna-go-home wings.”
“Good-luck-with-that wings.”
“Shut-up wings. We’re-going-back wings.”
“We’re-so-not wings. If-they-don’t-hear-about-Grandpa-soon-we’re-so-sticking-around-here wings.”
“Is-there-something-you-know-that-I-don’t wings?”
“Swear to God there isn’t. Wings.”
“God’s so fucking last month. Wings. What do you know?”
“Nothing. I’m serious. And enough with the f word, chimp. You sound cheap.”
“And you don’t?”
“I sound badass. You sound cheap. Guys don’t like girls who talk like that.”
“What makes you think I want guys to like me?”
• • •
“Tell me, Homero. Whatever it is, I want to know.”
“I’m serious, chimp. I don’t know anything. It’s just a bad feeling, okay? But you’ll laugh if I tell you about it.”
“No, I won’t, Homero. I promise. Seriously.”
“I’m having visions about Grandpa. That’s all.”
“What kind of visions?”
“It’s like, I see him at the end of a street, in a sea of people. He’s traipsing around as if he doesn’t know which way to go. I feel so relieved when I see him cause I think, ‘Oh, that was it! He was just lost!’ I grow all excited because I’ve found him, you know? I’m going to rescue him, to bring him home. I tap him on the shoulder, but when he turns . . .”
“What?”
“His whole face, Ximena.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“He’s got no eyes. No ears. No tongue.”
“Homero, it’s not real. It’s just a vision. I’m sure Grandpa is okay.”
“No, he’s not.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“’Cause I feel it.”
“Don’t say that. He’ll be fine, you’ll see. They’ll get him back, and he’ll be fucking fantastic. And we’ll go home. Believe me. Let’s both believe it, so that it will happen, okay?”
• • •
“I wish I could be like you, chimp.”
“Why’s that?”
“I wish I still believed in shit.”
“You can be really mean when you want to, Homero. Seriously.”
“I’m not messing with you. I totally mean it.”
• • •
“It’s there again, Homero!”
“It’s just your brain turning into a french fry, chimp. No more pills for you, lady.”
“Seriously, Homero. I’ve been hearing that fucking noise in the kitchen since we arrived, and you keep saying it’s all in my head. You’re scaring the shit out of me. You’re–”
• • •
“It’s okay, Ximena. I was just being a dick. Seriously.”
“Are you serious? Tell me you are, please.”
“I am. I’m sorry, okay? Stop crying.”
“Do you think it could be mice?”
“Or rats. They say there are more rats than people in New York.”
“Thanks for sharing that, man. Now I won’t be able to sleep here ever again.”
“Or maybe it’s just the walls, the floor, creaking, crumbling, you know? This fu
cking building’s like, a thousand years old.”
“No, it’s not that. Sounds like something alive.”
• • •
“I need to go out, Homero. I need some air.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. Shopping. Out for a walk.”
“Can you grab something to eat on the way back?”
“Why don’t you come with me? Let’s have dinner out. We need to get out of here. We can go shopping together. It’ll be fun!”
“Shopping with you? I’d rather stay here and be eaten by rats.”
“Come on. Let’s go. You’ve hardly gone out since we got here.”
“Thanks, though, but I don’t feel like going out. It depresses me.”
“What are you talking about? We’re in fucking Manhattan, man!”
“We could be in fucking Mars and it still would.”
• • •
“Brought you Chipotle. The other places I checked out looked gross.”
“Thanks, chimp.”
“I met our neighbor from the apartment next door, she came in at the same time.”
“Fascinating.”
“She’s like, two hundred years old, but nice and petite and like, elegant? She said she lives alone. She said it’s rats.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“The scratching noises that we’ve been hearing. She actually brought it up. She said she hears them too because our kitchen and hers share the same wall. She said she was pretty sure the rats were on our side. She said they’ve tried everything, but that they always come back.”
“I guess we’ll be eating Chipotle for a while then.”
“She suggested that we get some special traps, and something else; something supercreepy.”
“What did she say?”
“She said we need to get a good snap trap and use blue cheese as bait. She said, ‘Those little guys love the good stuff.’ She said the trap would catch the rat by its head and hopefully kill it instantly. Then, she advised, ‘Release it from the trap and stab it in the belly with a meat fork, but do it good, two or three times if you can, my dear, as if you were going mad all over it, and then leave the little guy there, with the meat fork in its belly and everything. Don’t move it, don’t clean any of the mess. It won’t look pretty, my dear, let me tell you. It’ll start smelling funny after a couple days, and you’ll want to get rid of it, but you’ll have to hang in there, you’ve got to leave it there,’ she said. You should’ve seen her face, Homero, all calm and sweet and yet talking like she was in fucking Kill Bill or something. I couldn’t believe my ears, I was getting sick, I couldn’t move. I wasn’t even sure the whole fucking thing was real, if it wasn’t my fried brain getting all worked up.”
“That’s a possibility, but anyway. What else did she say? Supposedly.”
“She said, ‘One day, you’ll come to the kitchen and find out the little guy’s body is gone. Perhaps you’ll find the meat fork tossed aside, or you won’t. But it’ll have disappeared. Don’t ask me to explain how it happens, my dear, because I can’t. I can only tell you it works. After that you won’t hear more noises for a couple months.”
“That wasn’t an old lady. That was a fucking ninja.”
“Swear to God I’m not making it up, Homero. After that she jotted down the brand of traps on a scrap of paper and handed it to me. Here. Look.”
“That’s awesome. Anyway, I’m not setting up any fucking Tomcat snap trap or stabbing anything any time soon.”
“That’s what I told her.”
“And what did she say?”
“She whispered, as if we were part of some plot, ‘I know that the idea of harming those little guys sounds revolting, my dear. It was hard for me to bring myself to do it the first time. I mean, me killing a poor creature! I donate to PETA! I’m against animal testing! Dogfighting! Bullfighting! Starbucks! Republicans! But I had no choice. It was either me or them. If one of those fellas gets its way with you, you’ll be in trouble. They are rabid and heartless, to say the least. Take my advice, my dear. You don’t want to end up in some lousy ER in Lower Manhattan just because you took mercy on one of those nasty creatures, especially in your situation, do you?’ ”
“What did she mean by that?”
“Who the hell knows!”
“Didn’t you ask?”
“How could I? I was speechless, Homero! I was just trying to grasp the whole fucking thing!”
• • •
“How did you like the tacos?”
“They were disgusting. But I guess I’d better get used to them.”
“I know. Food sucks. Here, of all places.”
“Mom called while you were out, by the way.”
“Really?”
“No, not really. I just made it up for fucking shit’s sake. Look at the phone.”
“What did she say?”
“That she’s been checking out the credit card, and that you’ve got to stop.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Not kidding you, dude. She said we need to start being cautious with money ’cause she didn’t know how much longer we’d need to stay here. That’s the word she used. Cautious.”
“That’s nonsense. Why would she say that?”
“’Cause the shit hit the fan big-time? I told you, chimp. She said she and Dad are coming over, probably as soon as next week. I asked if we were all going home right after, and she said no. She said that they were looking for a place for the four of us to stay, that they were checking out houses online in Connecticut, ’cause it’s cheaper than the city.”
“You’re fucking kidding me.”
“Am I fucking laughing?”
• • •
“What about Grandpa? Did she say anything about him?”
“No.”
“Did you ask her?”
“What do you think?”
“So?”
“She changed the subject. She wanted to know how we were liking the apartment. She said Philippe had told them we’d love its shabby-chic-ness. Go fucking figure.”
“Did you tell her it’s a fucking shabby-chic mess?”
“Seriously, dude, no more pills for you. That shit’s dumbing you down. Grandpa’s probably dead already. God only knows what’s going on at home. Do you really think Mom and Dad could give a fuck about this filthy joint right now? We’re not going back, Ximena! We’re staying here for good! Do you fucking get it? Do you?”
“Don’t yell at me.”
“Then stop talking like someone squeezed your stupid brain up your fucking fat ass, moron!”
• • •
“You’re not the only one freaking out, okay?”
“But I seem to be the only one still trying to think straight.”
“Your problem is that you’re so scared you’re probably peeing in your pants right now, but you’ll never admit it.”
“And what’s your problem with that?”
“That I’m here too. And you’re making me feel lonely as shit.”
• • •
“Are you sure we’ll be fine? That last headache was a bitch, man.”
“Yeah, I’ve tried these before. We’ll be good.”
“I don’t know why I still trust you.”
• • •
“You there, chimp?”
“Here. What.”
“One day, we’ll go back to the past, you know?”
“How’s that?”
“Everything will be like it used to be. Not like, a month ago, but way back. Back to how it should have been in the first place. Ancient and natural and . . . correct.”
“We’ll be so doomed by then. We’ll be history, dude. We’ll be done already.”
“Nah, we’ll still be around. It�
��ll happen sooner than you think. Everybody will be like, ‘What the fuck?’ and no one will be able to make sense of any of it. No one will be able to explain how it happened, and everybody will be so fucking scared they will all want to shit in their pants. But they won’t.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause we’ll be there to say, ‘Chill. It’s okay to be afraid. We’ll be fine.’ ”
• • •
“Ximena?”
“Uh-huh.”
“What is it about guys that freaks you out?”
“Like you really want to know.”
“Fine. But then don’t come to me complaining that I don’t listen to your shit.”
• • •
“Dicks. Just their dicks, okay?”
“What about them?”
“Carla and Michelle and everybody else are now totally into them, as though they were collecting them. I didn’t want to feel left out.”
“Got it. So you went and had some. And . . .”
“It was gross.”
“What about boobs?”
“I’m not a lesbian, asshole, if that’s what you’re trying to say.”
“Wouldn’t be the end of the world. What’s the problem with liking boobs?”
“That I really wanted to like guys.”
• • •
“Does Grandpa really ask you about girls all the time?”
“He’s relentless.”
“That’s gross.”
“Remember the time he made a business trip to São Paulo over spring break and I went with him?”
“Uh-huh.”
“One night, after dinner, his colleagues went to a nightclub. Grandpa said he was tired, but that I should go. I said okay, thinking that we’d just have caipirinhas, dance samba with beautiful garotas, you know? We got to the club, and a woman at the entrance asked if I was going to get full service. Before I could answer, one of his colleagues said that I was, and paid for me. I looked at him, all confused. He just patted me on the back and said, ‘Don’t worry, son. Your old man asked me to take care of you.’ ”
“Oh. My. God.”
“A girl picked me up at the table and took me to a private room. I kind of wanted to like it, you know? But when she got naked and started to do her thing, I felt so uncomfortable and disgusted, I thought I was going to barf. I told her that I wasn’t really in the mood, and asked if she didn’t mind that we stayed there for a while so everybody would think we had a good time.”
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