by Harry Mazer
He paused democratically. He wasn’t hogging the conversation. Agree, disagree, give your opinion. Anything. Class, there will be a quiz at the end of this lecture. You will be judged on memory and comprehension.
Her silence made him nervous. She was sitting next to him, but where was she? In Argentina? China? Home in bed? For an actress she didn’t project much. Totally self-absorbed.
Well, he was pretty self-absorbed himself. He wanted to get through to her. Had to. When was he going to get a chance like this again? He wanted her to know him. (Modest Jeff Orloff.) How could she tell what he was really like inside, behind the cage of bone where his heart lay, when every time he started talking, what came out was this mad, jittery flood of words.
‘What I have been doing this summer is getting my shit together, if you get my drift.’ He glanced at her. Keep talking, Orloff, and she’s going to roll the window down at the next intersection and scream for help.
She pressed her lips to Hannah’s forehead. ‘I think she might have a fever. She wouldn’t eat this morning, and she was cranky all day yesterday.’
The kid looked all right to him. ‘I don’t know that much about babies,’ he admitted, and went back to talking about himself. ‘My family doesn’t understand anything I want to do.’
‘Families are all alike.’ She wiped Hannah’s mouth.
‘Not your family.’ Her family, he imagined, was the opposite of his. The Silvers appreciated the artistic. There would be music in their house and paintings on the wall, and they’d be proud of their daughter, supporting and encouraging her. They’d have a whole room given to pictures of Mary in the different roles she’d played.
‘What’s your next step? Is your family going to help you pursue your career?’ Pursue your career. Cut! Why couldn’t he say what he meant without sounding like he was running for office?
‘What career?’
‘Acting.’
‘I’m not an actress.’
‘You are. I saw you act in school. You were the best. I never forgot it. Even then you were a lot more than just a student actress.’
‘Thanks for the kind words, but you’re wrong. I am not an actress,’ she said emphatically. ‘I haven’t done anything, I’m not likely to do anything, and I really don’t want to talk about it.’ She twisted her hair up and held it on top of her head.
Even that little motion was exciting, actorish. How could she not know that she was an actress?
She was looking out the window again. Subject closed. Her face said, I talk about myself to people I like. Not to people I’m indifferent to.
The rest of the way to Irving Avenue, he clammed up and concentrated on his driving.
When she came out of the doctor’s office, she was a changed person. She was smiling at him. ‘The doctor says Hannah’s teething. Can you imagine, it’s that simple and I thought it was something awful I did. That’s why she’s cranky, and she does have a little fever. He wants me to get a thermometer and baby aspirin. Could we stop at a drugstore on the way back?’
When they left the drugstore, it was still raining. They ducked into the Baskin-Robbins next door, bought ice cream cones, and ate them in the car. He accepted a cone in the interests of good fellowship. He didn’t want to break the mood and tell her about all the chemical junk used in ice cream.
She started talking about the baby again and her fever and her teeth. The subject bored him, but Mary’s eyes were wonderful. He couldn’t stop looking at her and almost drove into a parked car.
‘Watch it!’ she said.
‘Sorry. I saw it.’
‘Maybe I’m talking too much. I’m distracting you.’
Oh, that was true. He gave her an understanding look. ‘Sometimes you have to talk. It can’t be easy to be alone.’
‘You don’t know how hard it is until it happens to you. Have you ever been alone?’
‘Not exactly – but you can be alone even if there are a lot of people around.’
She nodded. ‘That’s true, too.’
The minute she got friendly he got horny. Sex hadn’t even been on his mind. It was automatic, something that happened to him with girls anywhere. But cars and girls in combination, especially girls he liked, that was dynamite. He was having trouble keeping the damned thing decent and his foot on the gas at the same time. He was a traffic hazard. If a cop stopped him now, he was going to get a ticket for an unlawful erection.
Hannah leaned towards him, got her wet hands on his face.
‘I don’t think you like me, you little slob.’
Mary wiped the baby’s mouth with her fingers. ‘You know, she doesn’t talk, but she understands everything.’
‘Hannah, I apologize. You’re not a slob, just a little sloppy.’ When he looked at Hannah, she was watching him.
‘She likes men,’ Mary said.
‘Then it’s no compliment to me.’
‘You want her just to like you?’
He gave Mary an intent look. ‘Not very realistic, am I?’
When they got back to the Belcos’, Mary tried to give him some money. ‘Don’t insult me.’
‘I’d like to pay you.’
‘Just put it down to friendship.’
‘You hardly know me.’ She finally put the money away. ‘I really appreciate it, Jeff.’
It didn’t escape him that she’d used his name for the first time. ‘Anytime you need a ride or anything, Mary, any kind of help … think of me.’ He racked his brain for a way to keep her in the car. It’s been nice … Can we do this again … When am I going to see you? But finally he just sat there and watched her walk away.
Parting sequence (freeze shot): Mary caught as she goes up the steps of the house (underneath, violins soar).
11
After the bright August heat outside, the cool, air-conditioned darkness of the movie house was like a balm to Jeff’s skin. There was excitement in the air, a smell of anticipation, of popcorn and chocolate. His father thought going to a movie in the middle of the day was degenerate and un-American, in the same category as bedwetting and kinky sex, but Jeff liked nothing better. He went all the way down front, where he took the catbird seat, centre aisle, the director’s seat.
Previews were being shown as he sat down. Here and there up front were other singles, nuts like himself who liked to get their heads right into the screen. He’d seen this film five times before, but there were so many things he missed on the first viewing, the second, the third, even the fifth.
Behind him he heard a baby shrieking, and he twisted around. A few days ago the sound would have been meaningless, but now he scooted back and found Mary and Hannah sitting on the side aisle. Even in the dark he recognized Mary.
‘Hey,’ he whispered, sliding into the seat next to her, ‘I didn’t know you liked the movies.’
‘Where’d you come from?’ she said. There was a box of popcorn in her lap.
‘I practically live here. I’m a fanatic. I’ve seen this picture five times.’
‘Is it that good?’
‘The photography is incredible.’
Hannah moved around in Mary’s arms. ‘Shh!’ Mary said, rescuing the popcorn. ‘You have to be quiet, sugar.’
‘Here, let me hold that.’ He took the popcorn and turned so he was facing Mary, his arm behind her seat. ‘You’re going to love this picture,’ he said as the movie began. ‘Look at those long flat establishing shots, look at the way the director got the feeling of that Texas landscape.’
‘Please. I want to watch.’
Of course he was talking too much. Again. But he couldn’t help himself. Here he was in the movies, watching one of his favourite films with Mary Silver. He tapped her shoulder. ‘We’ll talk afterward.’ Nervously, he picked at the popcorn, going through half the box before he caught himself. He didn’t even like it. ‘You better take this,’ he said, handing it back to her. ‘I’ll go get you some more.’
She shook her head. She didn’t seem to be as thrilled abo
ut him talking as he was. He tried to watch silently, but a moment later he was at it again. ‘Do you see how carefully he put the movie together? Not a wasted motion. Every movement tells the story.’
Mary kept her eyes fixed on the screen.
‘This is the last thing I’m going to say. That’s a fifties motel. You see how the units were all separate? And you see that light outside each unit? Now, that’s perfect.’
Behind, someone hissed. Pests. People were always complaining. He noticed a really strong smell in the air and nudged Mary. He waved his hand in front of his nose. Mary suddenly got to her feet, and clutching Hannah, brushed past him. It took him a moment to catch on, and then he followed her.
She wasn’t in the lobby. The girl at the candy counter told him a woman and a baby had just gone into the bathroom. He waited by the water fountain.
When Mary came out, she looked upset. He thought she was worried about missing part of the movie. ‘Listen, I can fill you in, word for word. And if you want to, we can see it through from the beginning again. It’s better the second time, anyway.’
That’s when she walked out of the theatre.
‘Where you going?’ He followed her out.
She put Hannah into the shoulder carrier. ‘Are you always like this?’ She blew out her breath. ‘Look, maybe, I’m a little upset. Things upset me –’ She stopped. ‘What am I saying? I don’t have to apologize to you. I just want to be left alone. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I respect that. Maybe next time,’ he added hopefully.
‘Next time what?’
‘Next time we see each other. Next time we get together –’
‘We’re getting together? Where’d you get that idea? Look, you helped me out the other day and I appreciate it, but that’s it. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but leave me out of it.’
She was determined to be unfriendly and he was just as determined to be friendly. ‘You’d make me feel a lot better if you went back and saw the rest of the movie.’
‘You really are incredible.’
‘No, seriously – I have the guilts.’
‘That’s your problem.’
Things hadn’t gotten off exactly on the right foot, but he wasn’t discouraged. ‘You want me to carry Hannah?’ he said.
She looked up to the sky. A silent prayer. Why am I chosen?
Didn’t she really know? ‘Sometimes you feel so good around somebody you forget where you are and you think everything you feel she’s feeling. Don’t you have those great feelings sometimes, like you’re on the threshold of something great? I mean life, don’t you love it?’ He couldn’t believe the things he was saying. Somebody, put a lock on my mouth.
‘I used to have stars in my eyes, too. No more.’
‘What happened?’
‘Come on, don’t be stupid.’
She finally got him. ‘Listen, am I bugging you? Say the word and I’ll split.’
‘Too bad you didn’t think of that sooner.’ She looked down the street for a bus. ‘Do you act this way with every girl you meet? Move in on her?’
He put his hands in his pockets and backed off. ‘Sorry. I guess I just assumed too much.’
She looked for the bus again. ‘Don’t these buses ever come around here?’
He pointed in the direction the Belcos lived. ‘It’s not that far to Spring Street. It’s over there.’
‘I know where they live.’ Everything he said seemed to irritate her. She started walking and he walked along, not quite behind her but not with her, either. He had moved in on her. He could apologize. But hadn’t he apologized once? Or had he? If he hadn’t, he should have. But if he had, another apology would only make things worse. He came up alongside her and tried again.
‘How’s that backpack? Is the baby heavy?’
She shook her head. ‘I’m used to it.’
‘It would be nice if she walked.’
‘That’s coming,’ Mary said.
He picked a dandelion from the side of the road and stuck it in his shirt. ‘When I was a kid, my father paid me half a cent for every dandelion I pulled out of the lawn.’
‘I used to make crowns of dandelions from our front lawn,’ she said.
‘Want some?’ He picked a handful. He wasn’t sure she’d take them, but she did and started weaving them together.
‘Give me longer stems,’ she said. They walked along. When she was done she let Jeff put the crown on Hannah’s head.
Hannah grabbed the crown and stuffed it in her mouth. ‘She’s impossible,’ Mary said.
‘That makes two of us,’ he said.
‘Tell me about it!’ she said, but she was smiling.
12
Saturday morning, Jeff was painting when his father stuck his head out the door and told him there was a phone call for him. ‘It’s a girl.’
It was Mary. That was a surprise. Mary, on the phone and uncomfortable. ‘Am I taking you away from something?’
‘No.’ He picked at a dry gob of paint on his shorts. ‘Nothing I don’t want to be taken away from.’
‘You’re not going to believe this. I apologize – I really don’t think of you as an ambulance service, but I have a terrible toothache and the dentist said he’ll see me if I come right down. Any chance of you driving me?’
‘I don’t have a car.’
‘Oh!’ A pause. ‘That wasn’t your car? I thought it was yours.’
‘It was Danny’s.’
‘Oh. Well – I’ll just have to figure something else out.’
‘No, wait a minute. Hang on. Maybe I can get a car.’
His father was out in back, breaking off the faded flowers. ‘Dad – how would you like to lend me your car for a while?’
‘You’re through painting?’
‘I’ll be back in a couple of hours, I promise.’ Jeff checked his watch as proof of his sincerity. ‘It’s ten now. I’ll be back at noon.’
His father twisted the ends of his moustache. ‘Noontime.’ He tossed Jeff the keys.
‘Guaranteed. Thanks, Dad.’
Mary was waiting on the porch steps, holding Hannah in her arms, her free hand to her jaw. ‘I can’t smile,’ she said, ‘but I really, really appreciate this.’ There was a vulnerable look to her. In her shorts and a shirt with the sleeves cut out, she looked like a kid babysitting Hannah.
On the way over, she didn’t say much. Once she said did he mind coming in with her to watch Hannah? ‘Don’t say yes if you’re busy. You could just leave me.’
‘No, that’s okay.’
In the dentist’s office, she gave him Hannah and showed him the bottle of juice in the nappy bag. ‘She likes to look at books.’ She handed him a cloth book.
He held Hannah gingerly in his lap. She kept looking around at him. ‘Whatever you’re thinking of, Hannah, don’t do it. Save it till your mother comes out.’
Her mouth took on a long, sad curve.
‘Listen, don’t turn on the waterworks, ’cause I’m more scared of you than you are of me.’ He showed her the bottle. ‘You want to drink?’
She grabbed the bottle, sucked on it for a moment, then threw it on the floor. He tried to put it back in her mouth. She spit it out. ‘Come on,’ he said, ‘don’t be like that. I’m not so bad, am I?’ She considered it. ‘I like little kids,’ he continued, pleading his case. ‘Ask Danny’s little brother, Robert. He likes me.’
She listened, but when he tried to lean her against his arm and give her the bottle, she let out a sudden shriek. ‘Hannah!’ He put his fingers in his ears. ‘You almost made me deaf.’
She shrieked again, then looked at him. Okay, it was a game now. ‘Good try, but no prizes. Cut it out, or Mary’s going to think I did something to you.’
She wriggled like a caterpillar and slid off his lap onto the floor. He caught her, and she giggled and toppled over again.
‘So you want to play?’ He sat down on the floor with her. She crawled away. He grabbed her foot. She protest
ed, and he let her go. She scooted around the room, then stopped near the door to look over her shoulder to see what he was going to do.
When Mary came out, he was sitting on the floor, back to the door. Hannah was reading her book upside down. ‘Were you good for Jeff?’ Mary kissed Hannah on the mouth. ‘Were you a good girl? How was she, Jeff?’
‘No trouble. Easy as pie, she really was.’
Mary’s jaw was numb. ‘This is going to feel awful when the novocaine wears off,’ she said in the car. ‘The dentist said it was a really deep cavity, right next to the nerve.’
‘I hate dentists,’ he said.
‘Everybody hates dentists.’
At the Belcos’ she asked Jeff to carry Hannah upstairs. ‘I’m feeling woozy.’ She looked pale and he started to put his arm around her, but he stopped himself, remembering the way she reacted in the movie when he moved in on her. Well, that was her version. He didn’t think he’d moved in on her.
Upstairs in her room, Mary put Hannah down for a nap, then stood there, rocking the crib. Jeff was uncertain if she wanted him to stay or go. The room looked unchanged – the same clutter, open boxes on the floor and clothes everywhere.
‘Oh, my God.’ Mary put her hand to her cheek. ‘I can feel it throbbing. I need aspirin.’ She began rummaging around on the top of the bureau next to the crib. ‘There was some baby aspirin here. It’s somewhere in this mess.’ Hannah raised her head. ‘Lie down, sugar, Mummy’s got a toothache. Here –’ She grabbed Jeff’s hand. ‘Rock her while I go downstairs and ask for some aspirin.’ She ran out.
He rocked the crib. Hannah lay with her finger in her mouth, watching him. ‘Tell me, kid –’ He bent over the crib. ‘Does she like me? Or am I just useful? You think she’s liking me a little? I think so, too.’
Hannah was asleep when Mary returned. She held up a bottle of aspirin. ‘My fix,’ she whispered. ‘Mrs. Brown gave it to me.’
‘Mrs. Century,’ he whispered back.
‘I said I’d go down and visit her after Hannah had her nap.’