by Zoey Parker
I leaned in and gave her a tight hug, Wanda the bear trapped between us. I held on to her longer and harder than usual, because amidst all the money and the boy craziness and the sisterly love, I was still scared. This was a serious operation. Getting it was the first step, but that didn’t mean it was a guarantee. A lot of things could still go wrong. One misstep in the operating room and suddenly my sister was dead. What little time I might have had with her would be stolen from me. And then even if she did make it out of surgery, there could be complications after. Her body might reject the heart. She might not heal properly. She could get sick while taking the autoimmune depressants. There were so many things that could go horribly wrong and I was terrified about all of them.
I needed my sister, now more than ever.
It wasn’t until the door opened again and the doctor came in that we broke apart. Both of us wiped at our eyes discretely. I turned to look at Dr. Miller. He gave me a soft smile, his older face crinkling and wrinkling in familiar ways. He had laugh lines and crow’s feet and graying hair at his temples, but he was still firm. His hands didn’t shake and he was as able bodied as most of the men half his age. These were small things, but important to me right now. They told me that my sister would be okay. That she’d come out of this thing alive.
“Allison, good. I was hoping you’d make it by before we went in for surgery.”
I nodded. “Of course. I wanted to be here.”
“Good. I assume you’re going to wait until she gets out?”
I nodded again.
“Alright. Just keep in mind that this will take some time. We’ve come a long way since those first operations and everything is much safer – we know so much more. But it still takes time and I’ve always believed that it’s better to do it right than to do it fast.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I told him and truly meant it. I’d rather it take them three days and have my sister back, than have her out of there in an hour only to find out later that they messed up somewhere along the way.
He chuckled softly. “I figured you might. There’ll be coffee in the waiting room, which of course you know. And Carly up front will be on duty, so if you need anything just ask her.”
I assumed that Carly was the receptionist I’d run into earlier. If he’d told me that when I first walked in, I probably would have told him that I’d rather chew glass. But now I took a little bit of comfort in the knowledge that someone would be there.
Because Jules won’t be.
The thought came hard and fast. It felt like it knocked the wind out of me, it hurt so much. I felt like crumpling right there on my sister’s bed, crying my eyes out. It was only the knowledge of my sister’s impending operation that kept me calm and collected.
I forced a smile. “Thank you, Dr. Miller. You’ve been so great through all of this.”
“Of course. Now, we need to get you into the operating room.” He smiled at Bree, looking cool as a cucumber.
She was still nervous, but his confidence helped her relax a little. She nodded at him, then turned to me. “Will you take Wanda with you?”
I accepted the worn teddy bear and clutched her close. “You bet. We’ll keep each other company until you’re done.”
She gave me a nervous smile, then we hugged again. I couldn’t believe this was finally happening. I promised her that I would be here when she got done and that I’d have Wanda pre-warmed for some serious cuddling. She laughed and then I watched as they wheeled her away toward the operating room. The doctor gave me a reassuring smile and a wave, then they disappeared around a corner.
The operation would take a couple of hours, but those would be the longest hours of my life. I knew that already.
So, clutching my little sister’s teddy bear, I headed back toward the waiting room and hopefully a hot cup of coffee.
When I got there, the nurse from earlier was still at her station. She saw me and offered a smile. “Is there anything you need?” she asked.
I gave her a weak smile. “Just point me in the direction of the coffee pot.”
She nodded and stood a little in her chair to point around the corner. “Just around the corner. Should be nice and fresh at least.”
I thanked her, then headed over. She was right, the coffee was fresh and in an actual pot instead of those terrible vending machines that most hospitals had. The staff brought in the coffee on a rotation schedule, so there were different brands being brewed all the time, but every single one of them was better than the sludge they brewed in the vending machines.
I made myself a cup and left it black, because I felt like having something strong right now. Cup in one hand and Wanda under my arm, I headed toward the waiting room and found a seat. There wasn’t anyone else there, which was a little unusual. The hospital wasn’t super busy, because it housed a lot of long term patients as opposed to the emergency hospital most people went to. That meant there tended to be a lot of visitors, but not so many patients waiting to be seen.
Either way, I was sort of grateful for the privacy. I didn’t want to make idle chitchat with strangers, not even to take my mind off Bree, and I definitely didn’t want to watch people who were seriously injured come in only to wait for treatment. That was one of the worst parts about hospitals, I thought, so I was grateful for a reprieve from that at least.
It was pretty quiet in the waiting room. Carly, the nurse, mostly left me alone, though she’d check in every so often to see if I needed anything. She took calls every now and again and might page someone, but otherwise she did some filing and occasionally worked on her nails.
There was a TV hanging in the corner that Carly told me I could watch if I felt like it, but I told her that I really didn’t feel like watching the mindless crap they were playing these days. None of it was very interesting. She laughed and agreed, then we fell silent again.
I made a point of not using my cell phone – I put it on silent, too – since we were in the hospital and I really wasn’t supposed to use it inside.
Unfortunately, that meant I sat there waiting with very little to occupy my time other than magazines that were a couple of years out of date already. It was no surprise that my mind wandered.
At first, I was just thinking of Bree. I imagined her out of this hospital, getting ready for school, trying on clothes, going out with boys. Things that a normal girl her age should be doing. I would have to get her enrolled somewhere decent and we’d need some sort of schedule for getting her to and from school. She was not going to take the city bus by herself every day. Not on my watch.
At least she can even go to public school, I thought gratefully.
She’d been in the hospital on and off for a long time, meaning that she didn’t go to public school. She hadn’t been enrolled since our parents were alive. But I’d made a point to keep her as up to date on her studies as possible. I checked out school books from the library and bought the ones that I couldn’t find. I printed off a bunch of those testing things and lesson plans for homeschooled kids to make sure that she didn’t fall behind. When I couldn’t be there to help her out, Christel often was, and even some of the nurses at the hospital chipped in.
We were really lucky in that respect, because it meant that Bree could take a qualifying test and start school as a sophomore, probably, so she wouldn’t be older than her classmates. She could have a totally normal, happy life.
That was all I wanted for her.
Don’t you want that for yourself, too?
I was trying not to think of Jules and it was, at first, pretty easy, because Bree was on the operating table and she was my first priority. But my mind couldn’t help but wander.
Bree would go back to school. She’d go for another two or three years and then she’d graduate. With any luck, we’d be able to save up something and she could go to college. She could start her life, meet some nice boy and settle down. Live happily ever after.
But what about me? What would I do once she was gone?
The answer was that I was an adult and could start dating earnestly after that. It would be about taking care of myself instead of someone else all of the time. But how was I supposed to start dating when the only person I could think of that I wanted was Jules?
It ate me up inside.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I murmured to myself.
Of course, that was true from the very start. I hadn’t expected to truly enjoy the weekend like I had. It was all about the money. About getting Bree the operation. But I’d found so much more than money. Jules had opened up this whole other world for me. A world I never would have found for myself, but then he took it away and now here I was, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with myself.
I wanted Jules back, but he was making it pretty clear that whatever things he might or might not feel for me, they weren’t strong enough to justify an actual relationship.
And wasn’t it foolish of me to have, even for a second, thought otherwise? This was a business transaction that had gotten messy – for me at least. I never should have gotten attached. Heaving a large sigh, I slumped a little lower into the hard-backed chair in the waiting room. I tried to push aside thoughts of Jules, but it was almost impossible.
I kept picturing him standing outside that door, watching as I raced in toward my sister. And how he didn’t care enough to come after me, to be there for me.
My eyes burned a little as tears threatened to come. I sniffled and tried to hold them back, but it was hard. Be strong. For Bree, if you can’t do it for yourself, a little voice in my head told me seriously.
I nodded my head. For Bree. I could do this for her.
Two hours went by as I tortured myself with thoughts of Jules and Bree both. I was getting antsy. I’d had about three cups of coffee, peed like four times, and had flipped listlessly through every magazine on that table. Bree should have been out by now, right?
I glanced over at the nurse at the station. “Anything?” I asked her, even though I knew that if the operation was done the doctor would have been out here telling me himself.
Carly gave me a sympathetic look and shrugged her shoulders. “I haven’t heard anything yet. I’m sure everything’s fine, though.”
She couldn’t know that and neither of us were stupid enough to believe that she could. Normally, I might appreciate the useless platitudes, but I was so on edge about everything that they just grated. Clenching my hands tightly together, I shook my head. “You can’t know that,” I whispered.
She heard me, but she only shook her head. She didn’t have any answers, and it was unfair to expect her to.
For another twenty minutes, I hung out in the waiting room. I’d begun to pace anxiously, needing at least an update on my sister’s condition, but there was nothing. I was about to go back to Carly and yell at her, even though I knew it was her fault. Thankfully, a nurse that I recognized as Dr. Miller’s assistant came down the hall.
“Ms. Gilson?” he asked me uncertainly.
I nodded, rushing over to him. “Is it my sister? How is she? Are they—?”
He held up a hand to stop my slew of questions. “We’re still working on here. There have been… complications.”
I felt as though a vice was suddenly squeezing all of the air out of my chest. I felt like throwing up all the coffee I’d just drank. “Is she okay?”
“We’re doing everything we can. She’s stable and Dr. Miller is working hard to make sure that she stays that way. We’ll give you another update as soon as we can, but please let us do our work.”
I wanted to yell and scream at him, to tell him that that was my sister in there, but I refrained. It was only because I knew that the longer he was out here dealing with me, the less time he was there helping to save my sister’s life.
So I let him turn and hurry back down the hall the way he’d come. But I wasn’t happy about it. I hated this hopeless feeling welling in my chest.
There were complications. And I couldn’t do anything. Not a damn thing.
“Sir, can I help you with something?” Anna the nurse asked.
I might have thought she was talking to me if it weren’t for the sir. I didn’t even turn around at the sound of her voice, but I did when I heard his.
“No, I’m just here to offer some support.”
It was Jules. I thought maybe I was imagining it, my mind finally snapping and just projecting the thing that I wanted most right now, but when I turned around I saw him. He was real, standing there in his leather pants and that form fitting t-shirt, looking good. Looking great. His hair was messed up from wearing a helmet earlier and his mouth was set in a grim line, but he was here.
“Allison—” he began, sounding like maybe he was on the verge of an apology or who knew what else, but I didn’t want to hear it right now. I didn’t want to hear anything. I just wanted him to hold me.
I hurried forward and slammed myself against his rock-hard chest. The warmth from his body spread out, sliding into my own and warming the cheek I pressed against him. His large, muscled arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer to him. “They said there’s been complications,” I murmured against his shirt.
He didn’t tell me that everything would be alright or not to worry. Instead, he just held me tightly and when I began to cry into his shirt, he let me.
We stayed like that for a while, him holding me against his chest. When I’d finally run out of tears, he pulled me back and wiped away their salty trails from my cheeks. He offered me a small smile, then took me by the hands. He led me to one of the hard seats and urged me to sit down. I did and a moment later, I was relieved to see that he sat down right next to me. He held my hand, stroking his thumb over the back of it soothingly.
I couldn’t say how long we stayed like that, his hand gripping mine, but at some point, I allowed my head to rest against his shoulder. We didn’t speak, though I knew he wanted to say something and there were things inside of me that I’d have to get off my chest at some point. Right now, I just needed Bree to be alright. Until then, everything else could wait.
Finally, after what felt like hours, I saw Dr. Miller coming down the hall.
I tensed up, worried, no, terrified that something had gone really wrong. Maybe the complications had caused some serious problems. Maybe Bree was—
I couldn’t bring myself to think it. She was my whole world; I couldn’t lose her.
Together, Jules and I stood. He held my hand still and I was grateful, because I wasn’t sure that I could even stand without that support at the very least.
“Doctor, is she going to be okay?”
He pulled off his face mask and smiled at me. That smile spoke volumes and I felt something ease in my chest as an automatic reaction. “She’s going to be fine.”
I let out a choking laugh of relief. “Really?”
He nodded. “Yes. There were some complications and it was a little rocky there for a minute, but she’s a tough girl and she hung in there. The heart seems good and so long as she takes the medications, there’s no reason it won’t take.” His smile widened. “We’ll go over the prescriptions and make sure that she goes through recovery properly. In another thirty days, she can finally go home.”
I laughed again, it was watery and kind of embarrassing, but I was so filled with happiness and relief that I wanted to give everyone a hug. But I didn’t. Instead, I just gave Jules a hug and held him tightly. He returned the gesture. Around my back, he offered the doctor his hand. “Thank you, doctor, for all you’ve done.”
I could imagine that Dr. Miller was wondering who the hell he was, but I was too lost in my own euphoria to care about the little details like that right now.
My sister had made it through surgery. She had a new heart. She was going to be okay. And I was wrapped up in Jules’s arms.
We spent a little more time talking to the doctor and then I asked to see my sister. He allowed it, but only through the window. She was sleeping right now and need
ed to recover, so it was important that she be allowed to get as much rest as possible. He promised that I would be able to see her as soon as she was up again.
I thanked him a hundred more times, then he went over the medicines that Bree would need to take while she was healing. They’d have to keep her at the hospital for another month while she recovered to make sure there weren’t any issues with the heart or the medications, but he said that he didn’t see any of that happening.
In just a month, I would be able to take my sister home.
Jules thanked the doctor again, then we left the hospital to get some fresh air. We didn’t go farther than the parking lot, but I’d been cooped up in that waiting room too long for it to appeal to me in any way.
Once we were outside, I turned to Jules. “You came back,” I stated plainly. I wasn’t even sure what else to say. I was so relieved about my sister that I hadn’t had time to worry about what Jules’s return meant for us.