“Oh, babe,” he said. “You’re so beautiful. You just don’t know.”
“With you, I think I do,” she said quietly. “The way you look at me, Luke… I feel beautiful.”
He smiled, then saw that she was very pale and shivering a bit. He didn’t know if it was from cold or delayed shock, but he did know that he didn’t like it.
“Come on, beautiful.” In his mouth, the adjective sounded like her name. “Put on my shirt before you catch your death of cold.”
Without any hesitation now, she raised her right arm. He slipped his t-shirt over her head, over her right arm, then gently, carefully, he worked her left arm through the sleeve. She winced and he stopped.
“Hurts?” he asked.
“Yeah.” She winced again as she got her arm in a bit farther. “It pulls and burns.”
“Damn stitches.”
She gave him a smile. “Yeah. Getting stabbed by a psycho sucks, huh?”
“No kidding.” He pulled her hand towards him and the material slid down over her entire body. “OK, there you go.”
“Thanks.” She glanced down at her arm. “I guess I have to figure out how to do stuff one-handed for a while, huh?”
He grinned at her. “I can give you a few pointers.”
She looked at him, suddenly realizing what had just come out of her mouth.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why do you keep doing this with him?
“Oh, God, Luke.” Selena was beyond horrified. “I can’t believe I just said that to you. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head, not the slightest bit offended. “Why do you keep acting like the fact that I’m missing my left hand is news to me? I know it’s not there, babe.”
“I know. I just feel like I could be way more sensitive about it.” She paused. “But the weird thing is that I keep forgetting about it. Is that dumb?”
“Nah,” he said. “In fact, I’ll take it as a compliment.”
“Really?”
“Sure. I like that when you look at me, you don’t see what’s missing.”
“Oh, Luke.” She spoke softly. “Nothing’s missing with you. Not one thing.”
He cupped her face in his large hand, held her eyes.
“I feel exactly the same way about you, beautiful.”
Chapter Eight
“It’s called the BRCA1 gene,” Selena told Luke. “It’s a genetic anomoly that’s passed down to the women on my mother’s side of the family.” She sighed heavily. “It killed my grandmother, my Mom, my aunt, and my sister and since we never had health insurance when I was growing up, we had no clue. Not one. We just thought it was incredibly bad luck that the women in the family were all dying from the same disease, but even if we wanted to check it out, we could never have afforded to.”
He nodded and stroked her hair over and over again, waited for her to tell him what she felt comfortable sharing.
They were in Selena’s bed, cuddled up together. He was on his back, his muscular arms around her sleek body; she was curled up on her right side, her head on his naked chest, her fingers tracing his impressive stomach muscles. She was warm and relaxed and drowsy, but not quite ready to sleep.
“When I enlisted, I got regular medical check-ups for the first time in my whole life,” she said. “I had to go through my entire family’s medical history, and the doctor was tipped off by all the women on my Mom’s side dying of aggressive breast and ovarian cancer. He ordered the necessary blood tests and looked for the red flags and uncovered every single one of them. That’s when I found out about the gene and what it would do to me eventually.”
“So you knew from the beginning that you’d have to get your breasts removed?”
“Yeah. I knew I’d have to make that choice one day.” She shook her head. “I found out more than six years ago, and I finally gathered up the courage to do it.”
“What did your family say about this? When they found out about the gene?”
“I didn’t tell them.”
“What?” He stared at her in horror. “I know you didn’t tell anyone at work, but why not share this with your family?”
“I couldn’t, Luke. My Dad and my brothers were devastated by what happened to my Mom and my sister, and they’re still reeling in so many ways. My Dad has a stress-related heart condition, my one brother’s struggling with addiction, my other brother’s in and out of jail for petty crimes and drunken fights. I couldn’t put them through all this again. It’d be like ripping scabs off old wounds.”
“So instead you went through it all by yourself?” He was trying to be gentle, but it was difficult. “You didn’t have to, babe… you have family right here in Denver who’d have been there for you.”
She looked away from his hard gaze. “I – I knew that if I got the surgery, I’d be safe, at least for now and from one type of cancer. I’m not someone who sits around and talks endlessly about upsetting shit, or who frets and stews and fusses. I just – I wanted to just do it and take care of it and get on with things. Get on with living my life.”
“And have you?”
“Mostly, yeah. I think I have. I’m back at work and doing OK in my head.”
“You talk to someone?”
“Like a therapist?”
“Yeah.”
“No. I didn’t think I needed to.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not like any of this was a surprise to me. I mean, I’ve known for years that it was going to come to this and in the end, it was my choice to get the double mastectomy. It wasn’t an accident out-of-the-blue, or an illness that was full-blown. I was – and still am – healthy. I was in control. But…”
“But what, babe?”
“But now I think that was a mistake. To not talk to someone.”
“Yeah?”
“Umm-hmmm.”
“It’s not what you thought?” he asked quietly. “It’s harder?”
“For sure.” She sighed a bit. “I thought I knew what to expect, how it would all look. I prepared myself mentally as best I could, I looked at endless photos of women post-surgery without their breasts, pictured myself with the scars and no nipples and flat as a board. But the reality…” She swallowed hard. “The reality is something else.”
“So you think you want to talk to someone now?”
“I think that if we’re going to – to give this a shot together, then I need to seriously think about getting some help so I can feel more comfortable with my body around you.” She paused. “Are we giving this a shot?”
“Of course we are,” he said, incredulous that she was even asking. “Don’t you know that I’m fucking crazy about you?”
“No.” She was genuinely surprised and he smiled at that. “I had no idea.”
“Well, now you do, beautiful.”
He drew her to him slowly, carefully, and kissed her. Right away, the heat between them sparked and he pulled back with a sigh of regret. He couldn’t wait for her to heal up so they could make love; Luke wanted nothing more than to worship this woman’s amazing body.
“I’m sorry I turned you down so brutally when you asked me out,” she said. “I’m sorry I was so bitchy and rude.”
“It’s OK, babe.” Luke gave her a sexy little grin. “I’m a glutton for punishment, so I had no problem going back for more abuse and insults.”
“Good thing you didn’t just take ‘no’ as my final answer, huh?”
“Yeah. I knew you were just making me work for you.”
She giggled and shifted a bit, then grimaced as her left side strained.
“OK?” he said right away.
“Yeah.” She mouthed a tiny kiss to his incredible chest. “It’s not so bad.”
“This gene,” he said slowly. “Is it the same one that Angelina Jolie has?”
“Y
eah. That got a lot of press, huh?”
“It sure did.”
“Anyway, the short answer is yes, the gene is the same. But it’s not that simple, really. I mean, even if a woman has the gene, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’ll have to get a mastectomy or a hysterectomy. It just means that she has an increased chance of getting breast and ovarian cancer, but the risk and percentages depend on every individual woman’s case and on the gene’s unique mutations.”
“And in your case, the risk was high?” He stroked her tense back muscles, trying to soothe her.
“Yes. Sky-high.”
“How high?”
Selena sighed. “I had a ninety percent chance of developing breast cancer, and about the same chance of getting ovarian cancer.”
“Holy shit.” Luke was stunned. “Those aren’t great odds, babe.”
“No, I know. And it also means that I’ll have to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. Soon, too.”
His hand stilled on her back. “So… no babies?”
“No.” She shook her head, tried to smile. “No babies for me.”
“You wanted them?”
“Yes.” She felt tears welling again, but this time she didn’t try to hide them from Luke. “Yes. I wanted to be a mother.”
“Fuck, Selena.” Luke wiped her tears away. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’ll mean that I live, so I’ll do it… but it is something that I’ll mourn for a long time.” She hesitated. “You – you want kids? Kids of your own?”
Luke gently lifted her mouth to his, dropped a tender kiss on her lips. “I want kids, but when I met my ex-fiancée, she couldn’t have them. We explored adoption and surrogacy and I was totally OK with both. I just wanted to be a parent with her, you know? I was fine with not doing things the traditional way.”
“Whoa. Wait up.” Selena gazed up at him. “Fiancée?”
“Ex-fiancée,” Luke corrected her. “Ex.”
“Oh.” An adorable little worry line appeared on her forehead and he kissed it away. “You going to tell me about her?”
“Sure, I will. I’ll also tell you how I lost my hand, and about my family, and anything else at all that you want to know about me. But not now, OK?”
“No?”
“No,” Luke said firmly. “You’ve had one hell of a night and you need to get some sleep. Close your eyes.”
“Bossy,” she muttered.
“You bet your sweet ass I am,” he growled. “I’m taking care of you now, babe, so don’t bother getting all snarky and feminist about it. This is happening, and you’re just going to go along with it. Now… Close. Your. Eyes.”
“Bah,” she huffed, but she did as he said.
She was astonished at how quickly the exhaustion returned. She supposed the adrenalin rush from being with Luke had sustained her for a while, but now her body was ready to crash. And it was going to crash hard. She curled up closer to his comforting warmth and strength, started to let herself give over. But she had two more questions.
She forced her eyes open. “Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you stay while I sleep?”
“Are you serious?” He shook his head. “I’d like to see someone try to drag me away from you.”
She sighed deeply. “This is going to be good, right? This thing with us?”
“Aw, babe.” His heart clenched up tight at her sweetness, her vulnerability. “It already is.”
She smiled and buried her face in to his chest. She shut her eyes again, gave over completely to her body’s demands for rest.
Her last thought before she dropped in to oblivion was that she didn’t have to be strong, not all the time. She also didn’t have to do everything on her own, and the relief of handing some of her worries and fears over to Luke was overwhelming. She snuggled deeper in to his solid embrace and just let it all go.
Luke lay still and held her as she tumbled in to sleep at last. As he expected, it didn’t take long. She was wiped out. He glanced at the clock on her bedside table, saw that it was almost ten o’clock. Christ, what a long morning this had been, and it wasn’t over yet.
He waited about twenty minutes and when he was sure she was totally out, he slowly slid out from under her. She didn’t budge and he stood beside her for a minute, listening to her deep, steady breathing. Her face was still a bit too pale for his liking, but he thought she’d look better after a good sleep. He ran his fingers through her tumbled curls, loving how she turned in her sleep to meet his gentle touch. Yeah, she was something else… and now she was his.
He found his jeans on the bedroom floor and dug out Dallas’ business card and Selena’s prescription. The prescription he put on the kitchen counter, then he grabbed his cell phone, punched in Dallas’ number.
“Dallas Foreman.”
Luke grinned at how much more pronounced the man’s Texan drawl was on the phone.
“Hey, man. It’s Luke.”
“Hey.” Dallas sounded alert. “How’s Selena?”
“In some pain, but sleeping now.” Luke took a deep breath, gathering up the guts to ask the next question. “Any news on Griff?”
“Yeah. He just got out of surgery and he’s in recovery. It all went well, man. Doctor Innis says that the carotid artery was just nicked, not actually punctured or severed, and Selena stopping the blood flow saved his life, for damn sure. But if that fucker had stabbed him even one-quarter of an inch to the left? Griff would have bled out in that damn parking lot and nothing to be done about it.”
“Jesus. One-quarter inch.” Luke shut his eyes and leaned back against the wall. “So they just stitched it up?”
“Yeah, that’s done and dusted. They had to close up a pretty big area, the doc said, and Griff will have one hell of a scar on his neck. But he’s gonna be just fine.”
“Shit. That’s good news.” Luke tucked the phone between his shoulder and chin and rubbed his eyes. “Thanks for staying, man.”
“Sure. Thanks for taking care of Selena.”
“No problem. Maybe we’ll come by later today, see Griff? Is he going to be allowed visitors?”
“Oh, for sure. Visiting hours are until eight, so you’ve got lots of time. But let her sleep, yeah? Come by tomorrow, if she needs to rest up more.”
“Yeah, OK. We’ll see how she feels.”
“I’ll be staying here until they kick me out tonight,” Dallas said. “Then I’ll be back first thing in the morning. So I’ll see you, no matter when you can get here.”
“For sure. Take care and say hi to Griff for me. Tell him he’s an asshole for freaking us all out like this.”
“Consider it done.”
Luke disconnected, turned the phone to silent. He shot off a text to his boss Jax, apologizing and telling him that he wasn’t going to make it to work that night. Luke didn’t feel too badly about this: the new bartender and cook, Dante, was always looking for more hours to pay for his education, and Luke was happy to throw the kid some extra bucks.
He walked back to the bedroom, stood in the doorway and checked on Selena again. She hadn’t moved and he narrowed his eyes, thinking. Then he saw her extra house key hanging next to her closet.
His mind made up, he pulled on his jeans. He tightened his leather belt, tight enough that the two sides of the button-fly were almost touching, but leaving room for his hand to slide in against his stomach. Then, using his one hand, he slowly, methodically, worked the buttons in to the button holes. Three years of doing this meant that getting dressed one-handed was pretty easy, but it still took time.
He went in to the living room, zipped his jean jacket up over his naked chest, stepped in to his boots, laced them up. He was getting tired and unfocused now, and the laces tangled more than once as he hooked them one-handed, driving him crazy. He took a breath, undid them, sta
rted again. This time he got it done and he stood and stretched, demanding that his body produce energy from somewhere.
He filled Selena's prescription, then he walked to the corner store and bought some groceries. Nothing fancy, just the basics, but he hoped that she’d be hungry when she woke up later and he at least wanted to make her an omelet and toast and a strong cup of coffee.
He hurried back to the apartment, hoping against hope that she hadn’t woken up. Luke had promised to stay with her, and he didn’t want her thinking – not even for one damn second – that he’d left her alone.
He needn’t have worried, though: Selena was still out like a light and he sighed in relief. He unpacked the food and checked his phone for messages. Jax had written back that Dante would take his shift, no problem, so Luke wrote back a quick thanks.
An icon in the top left corner of his phone caught his eye now, and Luke frowned when he saw that he’d missed five calls, all from the same, all-too-familiar number. So despite Luke ignoring her calls, she still hadn’t gotten the message, not at all. Shit. Well, he’d deal with her later. Right now, all he cared about was Selena. He turned off the phone with an annoyed sigh and set it on the kitchen counter.
At last, Luke felt like he could sleep. He undid his belt, stripped off his jeans again and crawled in to bed with Selena. She murmured something and rolled towards him, reached for him. He liked the way that she looked for him in her sleep, liked how she seemed to miss him already. Most of all, he liked how she seemed to need to be close to him, because God knows, he needed to hold her.
Luke gathered her tight against his chest, dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Closed his eyes. Slept.
Chapter Nine
Luke woke up seven hours later, with a start of shock at not being in his own bed. Then he saw Selena still sleeping next to him and he relaxed. He lay back again, moving slowly and quietly so as not to disturb her.
He studied her face in the early-evening autumn gloom. She looked better, he was happy to see, but she was clearly exhausted. He supposed that she’d be awake soon, probably because of the pain in her chest. Stab wounds burned like a son-of-a-bitch, Griff had told him once.
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