“Yes,” I blurt, like he’s a madman for even asking that silly question.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why would you want to suck him?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You are sexy, I love you, and I want to taste you.”
“But Brian used to force you.”
I hate that he knows this much about me without me having to tell him. I know it’s good that he’s aware of my past. I like that about him, but I hate that I haven’t been the one to tell him. He’s known all of this since before we ever met.
“Yes,” I nod, agreeing with him. “Brian did force me. You’re not. I’ve only ever had his penis on my mouth, Gage. I don’t want that memory. You’ve taken so much of his hurtful memories from me and replaced them with happy ones of you.”
“Of us?”
“Yes, of us. Why is it hard to fathom that a woman that you’ve basically been in love with for how many years?”
“Six.”
“Six years. A woman you’ve been in love with for six years wants to show you how much you mean to her, including sexually. I love what we do, what we just did, but this is something we need. I need to suck on him. I want to taste him. I want to taste you.”
“Why, why would you want that?”
Something is going on. Something he’s not telling me. The terrified look on his face says it all.
“Gage. Has anyone ever done that?”
He looks away.
“Gage, honey, look at me.”
Still looking away, he shakes his head and I reach out, touching his thigh, resting my hand there. If he wants me to remove it, he will have to do it himself.
“Has anyone ever touched you there?” I ask, in a gentler tone.
“Once.”
“And what happened?”
“It hurt, a lot.”
“I have a question.” I am keeping my tone low, sweet, loving; I want to warm him up to this idea. I want to take his pain away like he’s taken mine.
“Huh?”
“Do you think when Brian raped me and forced me to suck his dick, do you think that didn’t hurt me? Do you think I haven’t lived with scars? Physical and emotional? We both have them Gage. I used to bleed when Brian raped me. My ass would bleed. I’ve never felt more pain that when someone is ripping your insides out, not even the knife scars. Look at me, look at this.” With my other hand I follow the path of a long scar that runs from under one of my breasts, curves up like the peak of a wave between my breasts and curves back down below the other one.
“This scar, he ran over five times. Each week for five weeks, he’d reopen it. It hurt a lot. But there is nothing more painful than being sexually abused. Not even this scar.” I rub it again, and he reaches out this time and follows the path using his own finger.
“I’m sorry.” He mutters, with a pained face.
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.” I reassure him.
“I should have met you before him. Then this would have never happened.” His hand moves across other scars and tears start to well in my eyes.
“I shouldn’t be selfish. You’re right Lex. You’ve experienced more pain then I could imagine. If I had known you before, I would have saved you from all of this. Tell me more. I want to know more, from your own mouth.”
“If I do. Will you let go and take that painful experience away from you?”
He nods. “It’s stupid really. I shouldn’t feel that way, not about you touching him. I want that. I do. It’s hard. I’ve spent over ten years never letting anyone touch him. Now I feel like a complete fool for even considering not allowing it. How stupid is that? The woman I love has been abused and hurt and she lets me in, lets me touch her and I can’t give you this little thing. I sound like a selfish asshole. I am a selfish asshole. I’m really sorry.”
“Just because my past is littered with so much pain, doesn’t mean that the experience with your penis getting hurt isn’t valid. It doesn’t make it less important. We all have our crosses to bear, some more than others. Now come here and let me show you.”
I realize I’ve been through a lot in my life. And for the first time I am experiencing real pleasure and real love. It is hard for me to accept and fathom. It’s hard to get past what I’ve been through. But what kind of life would I live if I let my past control my future? Let it determine how far I can or can’t go in life, all because of a dark cloud looming over my head. I didn’t use to think or feel this way. Gage has helped me get past a huge part of my own insecurities. He accepts me, he loves me, and I don’t doubt that for a second. If this is the one and only time, I can fix a painful memory from him, to wipe the slate clean. I will, not only for myself, but also for him to get a fresh start.
Grabbing his hand, I trace a chunk of flesh that was removed on my stomach. It sits about five inches above my belly button to the right. It’s not the biggest chuck I’ve had carved from my body by Brian but it’s a memorable one.
“Brian always hung me from the rafters in the barn to hurt me, rape me, and most of all cut me. This one is different. This one happened when I was sleeping next to him in bed. He, for the first time ever, handcuffed me to our bed. His bed, really, but I slept in it because I didn’t have much of a choice. I woke up just as he had begun. I was a dead a sleep, weak and malnourished from a rather harsh rape marathon from the night before. He’d taken a ballpoint pen and drawn a B on my stomach. I screamed shocking myself awake as the scalpel pierced my skin. It was the first time he’d ever used one on me. Maybe he used it so he didn’t go too deep. All my other carved out skin pieces are where bone is beneath. That’s what would stop him. He’s hit the bone and quit, like it was a marker for him. This time was different; it was his brand, his initial. As you can see it still kind of looks like a misshaped B.” I explain, Gage’s fingers tracing it over and over again, listening intently to my story.
“After he was finished, the B he’d retracted from my flesh was placed into a glass of water on the bedside table. Then he gathered up gauze, iodine and a bandage. He never cared enough to use antiseptic until the end, just before Linc found me. He had started getting more creative with his cuts by that point. Plus, I was always on a steady stream of antibiotics. Not sure how he got them, but I took them to keep from getting infected. After he was done that night, he left me cuffed to the bed and went to sleep in the living room. He didn’t say a thing to me. Days later as it started to scab over and I began to pick at it to distort his B. Not wanting his brand to be distinguishable, it worked, sort of. Better than how it looked when it first happened.”
“I’m sorry.” Gage mutters, following the roadmap of pain across my stomach and ribs.
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. That’s all I’m going to tell you for tonight. I’ve already ruined the mood for more sex. So let’s just cuddle and talk, okay? Tell me more about you. Since you already know an awful lot about me.” I lean over and kiss the creases on his forehead. He’s face is stricken in grief and deep in thought. It’s clear as day.
“Gage?”
“Yes, I’m just pissed. When you see the scars, it’s one thing. To know how they got there is another. I wish I could murder that prick.” His dark, malice filled tone shocks me.
“I do too, honey.”
I push his chest so he falls to his back and I curl up next to him, my head on his bare chest, listening to the soothing rhythmic sound of his heartbeat. His arms encase me, holding me close, as he finishes tossing a blanket across our naked bodies.
This is a beautiful place. The stars are breathtaking, as they sparkle in the night sky. The rooftop of candles provides the right amount of ambiance. It’s beyond romantic. I couldn’t have pictured our first time being any sweeter. Even if it was a little tainted by our pasts, that’s just who we are, a part of us. Neither of us perfect. Yet, together, we can overcome anything. I just know it.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sunday
Lex
“So how are things going?” My mom asks standing at her workbench, floral shears in hand, quickly precision trimming stems from a bundle of long stemmed red roses. She’s extremely busy this weekend. I dropped by about two hours ago to see how she’s doing. I ended up staying to help. Booked herself solid all week, a wedding next weekend to do eight bouquets, boutonnieres, twelve centerpieces and the rose petals for the flower girls. Then she has a baby shower on Wednesday, has to dye white roses blue for a giant centerpiece that she is crafting from chicken wire and Styrofoam to make into a stork. You see all those cupcake shows on TV where they craft dresses and other crazy things out of cupcakes. Well my mother is the same, just with flowers. She makes the Pasadena Rose Parade look like a bunch of amateurs. And I’m not just saying that because she’s my mother.
“They’re good, had my first date with Gage last night.” I smile, big. I can’t help it; just the thought of last night makes me smile. I haven’t stopped smiling since. We literally talked until the sun came up this morning. We sat, cuddled; our legs tangled together and ate chocolate covered strawberries, wrapped in a mountain of blankets as we watched the sunrise. Without an ounce of sleep, we left afterward. He drove me home, escorted me to the door like a gentleman and kissed me goodbye. Like in all those romantic movies where you see the man leave the woman at the door after they share a steamy kiss. That was Gage and I. It was unbelievably perfect. I couldn’t have imagined a better night.
After I got inside my house, I met a groggy up-too-early, Roni, in the kitchen fixing tea. Pregnancy has apparently taken its toll already and she was up half the night throwing up. Night sickness, is what she referred to it as. Bob was nowhere to be found. He’d went home to get away from Sassy Britches and her puking. We ended up snacking on biscotti and sipping herbal tea. Then I took a quick shower, which I rarely do. And I headed off to catch a few hours of rest. Surprisingly, I slept until three. Longer than I expected, and as soon as I woke up, I skipped my usual routine and headed straight here to see my mom.
I feel freer today than I have in probably all of my life. Less stressed, less clouded by my past. I couldn’t wait to come and tell my mom all about it. It’s been years of trials and tribulation to become the woman I am today. With Gage, I feel like the woman I always wanted to be; sexy, confident, strong, sexually enthusiastic, smart, accepted, happy, loved, and most of all safe and protected.
“So you say you had your first date? How’d that go?” My mom asks, breaking me from my thoughts to realize that I haven’t cut a single flower in the past five minutes. My mind is working overtime. Submerged in daydreams of the man I somehow love.
Not sure how much I can or should divulge to my mom about last night. So I’ll go the safest route with the basics.
“Went great, mom. Rooftop dinner with flowers and candlelight. Talked until sunrise. I really think I might be in love.”
There it is. I’ve laid it out there. I’ve admitted it to my mother. Watching the expression on her beautiful face change from work mode to sheer happiness warms me from the inside out.
Dropping her sheers and the rose that’s in her hands onto the counter. She turns and hugs me.
“It’s about time. I’m so happy for you, Lex. And he knows about you. And you know?”
I nod into my mother’s neck, as I inhale her floral scent. My arms hooked around her neck.
The front door to her shop chimes.
“Lex! Faith!” I hear the voice of a princess excitedly screech. I break away from my mother’s embrace and turn to see Gage with an ‘I’m Sorry’ expression marking his face, while he quietly stands right inside the door.
Emma, in a bouncy lavender dress, comes dancing around the back of the counter. Grabs her personal stepladder and carries it to the workbench. She’s ready to work. I love her enthusiasm.
“Hi” I wink at him and he sort of half grins.
My mom and Emma start immediately chatting. I walk around the counter in my plain blue summer dress and white heeled sandals. Gage has on gray track pants and fitted white t-shirt today. Looks like he’s just about to work out or he just did. I’m guessing the former. Although he sure looks extra hot in those low-slung pants and the shirt that shows off every outline of his hot body.
Stopping in front of my lover, I give him a genuine smile. “Hey honey, what brings you by?”
Reaching out he grabs my hand, tugging me into a big hug. Stuffing his face into my hair, I hear him smell me. One of his hands loving caresses by back as the other combs through my long black hair. I love when he does this. Last night he combed through my hair with his fingers for hours. It’s sweet and so romantic.
“I missed you. But that’s not why I’m here. Emma wanted to see Faith, since it’s Sunday. And I figured I’d hit Jimbo’s while she does.” He explains into my hair.
Jimbo’s is the only gym in Heartfair.
Leaning out of the hug slightly, so I can peer into his eyes. I peck him quickly on the lips and hear two nosey spectators “Awe” us.
Gage and I laugh and turn our heads to see my mom and Emma staring with massive smiles adorning their faces.
“Daddy, is Lex really your girlfriend?” Emma innocently asks, holding one of the red roses without the thorns in her hand.
“Yes, Emma. Lex is daddy’s girlfriend.”
“Does that make Faith my grandma?”
Gage looks to me. What am I supposed to do? Tell Emma that yes, Faith is your grandma? Although I can never marry your daddy because in the state we live in, even if I had a sex change I couldn’t. But, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, if I’m lucky enough. Guess that does mean Emma has a grandma. I’m not leaving, Gage isn’t leaving, and I know my mother would want nothing more than to call Emma hers. Sure, why not?
I give him a firm nod with eye contact, voicing my silent approval.
“Yes, baby. Faith is your grandma.”
What I never expected to happen next, does. My mother begins to bawl, folding Emma into her arms.
“Don’t cry grandma.” Emma says standing still as my mom hugs her.
Tears sting my eyes just watching the two. Gage kisses my cheek and whispers. “See, I knew she wanted this. Thank you for being okay with it. Emma doesn’t have a grandma that she really knows.”
I face him and peck him on the mouth. “Gage, I’m planning on staying with you. Emma and my mom both need this. I can’t have children. Remember?”
“We will, someday.”
What?!
“What? You do realize that I might be a woman but I don’t have all the equipment?”
Shaking his amused head, he laughs at me. Pulls me into a hug and kisses my forehead, repeatedly.
“Yes, Lex. I’m aware what you have and if you say another word about it, I’m going to have to take you with me when I leave. I’ve been keeping a semi down since I walked in. Now all this talk about what is between your legs has me getting harder by the second. If you don’t want me to end up fucking the shit out of you in the back of my truck, then I suggest we stop this right now. I do want children with you someday. Surrogates, they work wonders.”
Oh my God. He’s turned on and now I’m right there with him. How in the hell does he do this to me? Smelling his cologne is enough to set me into a frenzied state of high arousal. Now, talking to me about it has made lady hard, rock-hard. Damn him and his perfect sexiness. Then he goes off and talking about having kids together? I’m not sure which emotion to tackle first.
“You’ve thought about this haven’t you?” I ask, my head pressed to his chest, his fingers back to stroking my hair.
“Yes, a lot. I’ve had a lot more years to dream about it than you have.”
Tilting my head up, I kiss his stubbly chin. “Yes you have. We will discuss this at some point. I never thought about being a mom. Emma is enough for me. I hope you know that. Eventually if we decide to have more, we will. Right now, though, you’ve turned me on and if you don’t leave. I’ve going to take you up on t
hat enticing offer. Now go.”
We kiss once more, longer this time, closed mouth, goosing me as we break our embrace, he waves goodbye to the group and leaves to work out. Hopefully, he’ll cool down that overactive libido of his. God knows I need a cold shower. I wonder if his raw sexual magnetism will always have this effect on me? Part of me hopes so. The other part, prays that’s not the case. I don’t think I could handle walking around with a lady boner every day when I’m around him. It makes it hard to get anything done.
“Nighty night, Emma.” I kiss her head and tuck her into bed, leaving Gage to say his goodnight.
Walking to the open door, I rest my shoulder in the frame and watch the most loving father on the planet, kiss his daughter goodnight. “I love you, baby girl. Sleep well. Daddy and Lex will see you in the morning. Hope you had fun at grandma Faith’s today.”
“Night daddy, I love you too. You sleep well too.” Emma sleepily whispers, throwing her tiny arms around Gage’s neck, as he looms over her, his lips pressed to her forehead.
Gage finishes tucking her into bed, snug as a bug in a rug. We both exit Emma’s new bedroom, leaving the door open just a crack. Tonight after Gage went to work out, Emma, my mom and I, made some floral arrangements. Once he came back to the shop he was freshly dressed in a white button down dress shirt, rolled up his forearms and faded designer jeans. Said he was taking all of his girls out to dinner, which included my mom. So we went to Vino’s for dinner. It felt like we’d been doing this for years. Emma talked about girl stuff; Gage interacted with her, acting like he knew all about whatever it is she was gabbing about at the time. It felt like a family outing, which to be honest, made me feel lucky. I never knew life could be this way. Never really dreamed it could be possible. If I had dreamed about it, and it hadn’t come to fruition, I would have lived my life incomplete. I’ve never been one to dream bigger than I see logical. Now that I’ve experienced this kind of surreal happiness, I can never let it go.
We dropped my mom back at her store after dinner and came to my house, where I helped give Emma a bath, while Gage went home to grab her a change of clothes and her backpack for school tomorrow. About an hour ago, we started to watch The Little Mermaid on the couch in the living room. Emma’s head was on my lap, her feet on Gage’s as we watched and I stroked her hair. When Emma was almost asleep, Gage carried her upstairs to her bed.
Lex (Unconventional Hearts) Page 32