Lex (Unconventional Hearts)

by S. K. Logsdon

  Grabbing my Angel’s shoulders, I pull her away from my body so I can see her face. Cupping her cheeks in my hands, I hold her stare. “I love you. I’m sorry today has been hard. But I know you have to be hungry. It’s time to get some food into you. Then we will stay and talk a few hours with my family and things will be okay. I promise to behave and not fight with Max.”

  “Fine.”

  Briefly pressing my lips to hers, I inhale her scent and release her. Folding her hand into mine, I guide her into the house. I know she’s not happy today and I’ve made it worse. But having Emma sit beside her and distracting her, that will fix Lex. Emma, for whatever reason, has the power to do that. Lex seems to be aware of her at all times. Watching her, making sure she’s fed, has something to drink, that she’s dressed okay, her hair’s brushed, that she’s brushed her teeth. Things great mothers do for their daughters, a bond that Emma and Lex have cemented together. A connection I could have only dreamed of when I decided to finally secure Lex into my life.

  Following me to the table in the dining room, Lex takes a seat, like I thought, right next to Emma, and I beside her. Then she goes to work, doing her motherly duties; fixing Emma’s plate, asking her questions and falling into the world that only mothers and daughters share. Emma’s happiness is contagious and soon the entire table is immersed in chatter, the anxiety and fight from earlier is nearly forgotten. As we eat our chicken, Lex’s hand stays firmly planted on my thigh, the little touch that means the world to me. Confirming that all these years of pining away for her was worth every heartache, every moment I lay awake in bed miserable being with Melissa and not her. It makes it all worth it, to finally have my two girls, forever.

  To quote Maya Angelou, “Love arrives, and in its train come ecstasies, old memories of pleasure, and ancient histories of pain. Yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear

  from our souls.”

  How those few prolific words, speak wonders to my life and how it has come to fruition.

  I’m a blessed man.

  Lex

  “See, that wasn’t such a bad night, was it?” Gage smiles at me, removing his socks and moving to his pants.

  “No. Smarty-pants, it wasn’t.” I stick my tongue out, flashing him a snarky smile and drop my dress into the hamper.

  Gage is right, after the rough start at his dad’s, things mellowed out, a lot. We ate and talked. I felt like a part of the family. The only person I didn’t socialize with was Chelsea, no shocker there. She doesn’t care for me, which is fine. I don’t much like her either. After dinner, I helped Tasha tidy up and we all retired to the living room with Henry, Gage’s dad, where we talked even more. His dad is extremely intelligent; we ended up carving away a few hours merely speaking about running a business and different philosophies practiced in the workplace. I can definitely see where Gage gets his strong sense of self, quick wit and immeasurable intelligence from.

  “My dad likes you.”

  “Really? Well I guess that’s good, because I like him too.” I explain, walking into the bathroom and turning on the tub. I know I already took one bath today, but some days I take more than one. Today is going to be one of those days.

  “What you don’t get is my dad doesn’t like people.”

  I roll my eyes. That’s crazy. Henry was stupendously pleasant.

  “Don’t roll your eyes, Lex. I’m serious.”

  “How serious?” I wink at him and hook my thumbs into my panties, sliding them to the floor and stepping out. Before standing back up, I muster up a dirty thought of Gage to get stiff. Once lady is pretty much fully awake, I stand with my panties hooked over my finger and I fling them at Gage. Who catches them with a dirty smirk and puts them to his nose.

  Yuck!

  “Ewwww, gross, Gage.” I whine, scrunching my face in disgust.

  “The smell of Lex, is there anything sexier?”

  I think I might have just puked in my mouth a little.

  “Flowers? Anything other than my panties that I’ve worn all day.”

  Shaking his head, he audibly inhales. “Mmmmm, nope.”

  “If you don’t stop, I am going to puke.”

  “Me smelling you grosses you out?”

  “Smelling me? No. Smelling those.” I point to my blue lace panties in his hand. “Yes.”

  “What if I masturbated with them? Would that turn you on?”

  The freak is in the building tonight.

  “Gage, honey. Do you forget that…I’m how do you call it?”

  “Sexy?”

  I chuckle, shaking my head. “No. Inexperienced.”

  “Do my perversions turn you off?”

  “No. They do kind of make me feel strange though. I’ve gone without wanting any sex, to wanting it nonstop. Then you want to add kinky things. I’m not ready. If you want to masturbate with my panties, then you are welcome to. I’d rather take a bath, and then spend a night cuddling in bed with you. It’s been a long day.”

  Gage

  Fuck! I’m a damn idiot. Here I thought smelling her panties would be funny and maybe turn her on a little. Not make her sick. My brain isn’t feeling so well tonight, I’m off my Lex game, should have known better.

  I had a glass of wine at my dad’s and I probably shouldn’t have. Maybe that’s causing my lapse in judgment. My doctor told me the last time I was there to stop drinking anything but water. I can’t do that and keep my family from being suspicious. My kidneys last Thursday night took a little longer than usual on dialysis. This is what happened the last time I went into renal failure. I started to rapidly decline. I pray that I can make it to Tuesday without having to go to the hospital. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go in for a session instead of Tuesday. I can sneak it in over lunch. Emma will be home with Lex all day, and I won’t have to worry about her getting to the babysitters, should work out perfectly.

  “I’m sorry, okay let’s take a bath.” My libido has gone from rock solid to sleepy. I wish I could discuss this with Lex. Talk to her about how I’m feeling, both physically and emotionally. I can’t though. I don’t want to worry her.

  Sliding into the tub, I grab her foot into my lap and massage it, while we sit in silence, just watching each other. My beautiful woman, damn she’s sexy.

  “I love you.” I state. I can never say it enough.

  “I love you more.”

  I shake my head, there is no way she loves me more.

  “Do you forgive me about earlier?”

  “Yes.”

  “How do you feel about Emma calling you…”

  “Mommy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I love it. Maybe I shouldn’t, and I hope it’s okay, but I feel like a mom.”

  “You are.”

  “So that doesn’t bother you?”

  “No. Why would it? The woman I want to spend my life with and my daughter, our daughter, wanting to call you mommy after a short time. It’s like a dream come true.”

  Lex lovingly smiles at me. “You are my dream come true.”

  That’s it. It’s official. Lex knows she’s my soul mate and realizes I’m hers. I need to get this date tattooed on my body. The day the love of my life met my family, they love her and Emma calls her mommy. The day that my life is sailing in the right direction, never to turn back.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Monday

  Lex

  “Daddy says he hopes you’re being a good princess.” I tell my princess who’s in her own toy corner in the living room, sitting crisscross applesauce. That’s the new politically correct term for Indian style. Emma recently taught it to me.

  This morning Emma helped me carry in a wooden kid’s desk, a chocolate toy box with her name engraved in the lid and a small whiteboard from the garage. I bought the stuff for her toy corner online last week when I was at work. The same day I ordered Gage’s tie and cufflinks. Her stuff was delivered on Thursday and Roni made sure it was stored in the garage until I had time to get to it. Guess sh
e loves it because as soon as we set it up, she’s not left her own personal corner. I thought about making her use her bedroom as a toy space. Then I quickly nixed that idea. I want her where I can see her and watch her play, not stuffed in a bedroom. No matter how much she seems to love it.

  “Nuh-uh, Mommy.” Emma giggles, placing a sparkly pink pony wearing a frilly tutu on the top of her closed toy box, still wearing her own pink princess pj’s and slippers. I’m relaxing on the couch, Sherpa blanket strewn over my legs, my feet resting on the edge of the coffee table. Leaving my legs bent at the right angle to hold my laptop. I’m working from home today. Which means I get to do the pajama thing too. Blue silky shorts and a matching floral print top. My hair pulled up into a messy bun, making me look more and more like my mother. Not that, that’s a bad thing.

  “What do you mean, nuh-uh? Silly Princess.” I spurt a brief laugh, smiling ear-to-ear. I’ve been doing that since I woke up this morning. It’s hard not to smile when you’re sublimely happy.

  “Daddy doesn’t call me Princess. You do.”

  “Ah, well, ya caught me. Daddy just texted and is checking in. So is Lincoln.”

  Apparently, when my hot boyfriend got himself to work today, he decided to contact Lincoln about Chelsea and what happened yesterday in regards to her, not sure why it is any of Lincoln’s business, unless I’m the one informing him. Especially since, he’s been pestering me all morning, in the sweet, unobtrusive, Lincoln sort of way. If I had told him myself, this wouldn’t be happening. Now he’s immoderately worried and checking on me every ten minutes. No joke.

  Speaking of the devil, my phone is buzzing in my hand. I’ve hardly had a moment to sit it down. Between Gage and Lincoln, it’s been incessantly buzzing nonstop. It’s nice to be loved. What it isn’t is productive, not when I’m already behind on the workload I plan to trudge through today.

  Lincoln: I’m out with the dog, keeping an ear to the ground. Trying to pick up on anything Chelsea might have gossiped about during her breakfast this morning at McDonalds with her girlfriends.

  The fact that he knows where she’s having breakfast is disturbing enough. I love him, dearly, but he has to let me live my life and stop worrying himself sick.

  Me: Stop worrying Lincoln. If it gets out, it gets out. It’s my fault I blabbed in front of her. Not yours.

  Lincoln: You should be allowed to speak about it with anyone and they not bat a damn eyelash.

  Sweet, naïve, handsome, Lincoln. In a perfect world that would be true. In a perfect world, no one would go hungry. Children wouldn’t be abused. Gays and lesbians would be allowed to marry legally. And people like me, with Gender Identity Disorder would be accepted in society. But it’s not a perfect world, people do starve, abuse does happen and is a topic many people are afraid to speak about. Gays and lesbians can’t marry legally according to federal law. Those and a hundred different things make this world an imperfect place. No matter how any people are arrested, no matter how many cans of food you donate, it’s always going to be a world of prejudice and pain. It’s with that sadness that we must overcome and take in the bright side of life. To steer ourselves and our children away from those miseries and educate people on lifestyles that a hundred years ago were never even spoken about. World peace might be a thing of fantasy. But equality amongst peers both gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, African American, Hispanic, Asian, Caucasian, and everything in-between, is possible. One day when Emma is a mommy herself, I pray that her children or her children’s children live in that kind of world.

  But in the world, that I live in now is not one of openness for people like me. Chelsea does pose a threat. However, I can’t live my life in fear, worrying about her and what she will or won’t do. I will do as I always have, take life as it comes. Alright that’s enough of the heavy. God knows I could go on another five hours about my thoughts of the world. As I am sure, most of you can do as well.

  Me: That’s a great dream, Lincoln. Just not the reality we live in. I’m fine though. Don’t worry about me, or her. If she does it…she does. I have no one to blame but myself. Just have fun with the pup and text me later with good news. Maybe even a little BDSM 411. Whatever that may be.

  If I know Lincoln, like I think I do. That little strategically rendered comment will preoccupy him.

  Bingo!

  Lincoln: BDSM 411? Do you need your head examined? Whips, chains and anal plugs are not a topic I would like to discuss with you.

  Me: Oh…why not? You seem okay with getting involved with my life. Why shouldn’t I be more in tuned with yours and what colorful fuckery my best friend partakes in? Doing my friendly due diligence. Lol.

  Lincoln: Funny, ha-ha. No master talk for you.

  Now this is getting really good! It’s fun giving him a taste of his own medicine.

  Me: Master talk? Do you seriously make your subs call you master?! OMG! Lincoln!! Spill!!!

  Lincoln: I’m saying goodbye now. I’ll talk to you later tonight. Love you.

  Me: NO!!! Tell me Elias!!!

  Lincoln: Pulling out the big guns are we? Using my first name. Must be really serious. I’ll give you three questions. That is all. Then I will text you later on today. I am just looking out for you, I hope you know that.

  Me: I do. Question 1. Do your subs really call you master?

  Lincoln: Yes. I can’t believe you’ve never asked me that before. Why the sudden interest?

  Me: I thought this was ask the master, not, question the questioner. Lucky for you, I’ll be nice… I want to know now because I’m curious. Gage has turned me into some horny madwoman. So I’m broadening my horizons.

  Lincoln: You can ask. That’s fine. But if I ever hear of Gage using anything other than his dick in the bedroom and maybe a blindfold or a set of cuffs, then I’m castrating him. You are not to participate in this lifestyle Lex. Period.

  Me: I didn’t say I was. And he’s already used a blindfold. Cuffs are for kinky cops. Gage is a lawyer. Now Questions 2. What kind of sex do you participate in with most with your subs?

  I can’t believe I am asking him this. Consider me intrigued and deterring Lincoln from fussing over me is worth his discomfort in talking about this. Anything is better than him getting sick, worrying about me.

  When Linc finally saved me from Brian’s, I was rushed to the hospital for an extensive medical evaluation. Doctors had no idea how the cops never realized I was being abused. What nobody knew was that I was locked in the basement for all but one of the sweeps through the house. The only one I wasn’t, I was too ill from being beaten that I was doped up with meds, passed out in Brian’s bedroom. I really don’t want to get into the Brian conversation now, not when I’m already in such a great mood.

  However… When I was in the hospital, Lincoln sat in my room or just outside the door, for the entire two weeks I was there. Once, a nurse was changing my bandage from a cut that needed to be re-stitched and got infected, so it had to be drained, Lincoln held my hand the entire time the nurse re-bandaged me. He also refused to eat until I did, making himself sick for days with nothing but water to fill the hunger cravings that racked his body. And, he lived severely sleep deprived, because as soon as my nightmares took hold there wasn’t a person in my wing of the hospital that could outrun my terror-stricken screams. On the fifth day in the hospital, I finally ingested crackers and that’s all Lincoln ate. On the sixth day I ate a bland vanilla pudding cup and more crackers, so that’s what he ate. This went on for a total of fourteen and a half days. Now the last thing I need for him to do is put himself back in that mindset. Keeping him distracted is the only way I can think of to keep him from overreacting. I know there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me.

  Lincoln: Do you really need to know that?

  Me: Yes

  Lincoln: Why?

  Me: Consider me interested.

  Lincoln: Consider that a topic on the do not disclose list.

  Me: Why?

  Lincoln: I already discuss wit
h you more about this than I’d like.

  Me: Why does it matter?

  Lincoln: It does because it’s not part of your life.

  Me: You’re part of my life.

  Lincoln: I know. But sex isn’t a part of our relationship.

  Me: Love is.

  Glancing up from my phone, I watch Emma immersed in her play time. I love this. The sun is shining brightly through the large almost floor to ceiling windows, the light blanketing a warm glow along her back, highlighting the undertones of auburn in her hair.

  Emma awoke this morning and we all ate breakfast with daddy before he left for work. I got in my yoga after breakfast, and we came down here to officially start our day. Even though Roni has been a slight bit distant lately due to late night vomiting, my life is amazing.

  My phone buzzes in my lap.

  Gage: Don’t leave the house today.

  That doesn’t sound good.

  Me: Why? Did Lincoln’s ear to the ground pull something up?

  Gage: No. Just stay home and keep your phone on.

  Me: Why?

  Lincoln: Sorry, just stopped to talk with Barbie. Told me to tell you she misses you. Hopes you’ll bring Emma in this week for some ice cream. On the house.

  Me: Tell her she can count on it. Since you’re not going to answer my questions and I’ve got to get some work done. I’ll text you later.

  Lincoln: Be good. Love you.

  Me: Love you too.

  Me to Gage: Care to fill me in?

  Three minutes later of staring at my phone, guess he doesn’t want to fill me in.

  Leaning forward and setting my phone on the coffee table. I turn my attention back to my computer.

  “Do you need anything before I get back to work?” I ask Emma, before I start rummaging through my obscene amount of work emails.

  “No, thank you, Mommy.” She mutters, never breaking away from her toys.