I didn’t trust myself to be there without the overwhelming fear of having to face the shadow again. He always found a way to trap me within the darkness where I couldn’t get out, that fucking song playing over and over in my head until I couldn’t remember what happened once it was over. I needed something to make me stronger, something that fueled my hatred for my mother and her power over me. Talking with Heaven served to take my mind off the inevitable temporarily, but it wasn’t enough. My palms were sweating and I felt my chest constricting painfully as I tried to inhale deeply to calm my shaking limbs. That’s when I caught sight of my prey standing seductively at the hostess station, licking her lips as she fantasized about me. They made it so easy to give in to my carnal needs, like taking candy from a baby.
I slid from the booth where Heaven and I were seated and made my way to the back of the café knowing ahead of time the waitress would meet me there. I diverted my eyes from Heaven, too ashamed to face her. What I was about to do would make her sick to her stomach. It wasn’t long before the strange woman met me in front of the bathrooms, where I unceremoniously grabbed her by the arm and pulled her inside without uttering a word.
“What’s your hurry, big boy? I have an hour for lunch.” Her voice was pissing me off more than I already was. I wasn’t there for conversation.
“Shut up and get on your knees.” My mind and body battled for supremacy. I needed the quiet so I could think. I pushed her down with more force than I’d intended, causing her to yelp out in pain as she hit the floor. There was no time for apologies. I had my dick out and in her mouth so fast it made my legs buckle. It wasn’t enough.
“Harder. Suck me fucking harder, bitch,” I grit out to the woman before me, my voice as rough as sandpaper and the grip I had on her hair like a vice, squeezing and pulling until she complied with my order.
That’s it, just what I needed.
She gagged and drooled all over herself. The sounds coming from that bathroom were unmistakable for passersby, but it was just a matter of time before I got what I came for, the freedom, the wondrous melody I needed to survive:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when skies are grey.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please…
The depraved aria came to an abrupt halt inside my head, cut short by one heart-wrenching sob coming from somewhere inside that bathroom. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Heaven’s eyes, brimming with tears of sadness screamed repugnance. The stupid bitch on her knees didn’t realize we had been interrupted and was still sucking my cock with all the gusto of a Hoover vacuum. I pushed her out of the way and tucked my now flaccid dick back into my pants, too much of a coward to face the look of pain I’d caused on Heaven’s beautiful face. She could never understand, like my brothers at the yard, hearts too pure to ever be blackened with the truth of what I truly was: a monster. Just like everyone else, she turned and walked away, leaving me alone to wallow in my misery and self-hatred.
HAVEN
I should have waited at the table for Max to return, but my bladder full of coffee made that idea impossible. As I approached, I heard noises coming from inside the ladies’ room that sounded like someone was getting sick. I rushed inside to offer my assistance not knowing what I’d find beyond those doors. Well, unless Max’s dick was a thermometer and the bitch on her knees had a fever, no one was ill, and they damn sure didn’t need my help. The emotions I felt were indescribable as I stood silently in the doorway and watched the two of them go at it. I wanted to believe that Max was different from the others in his family, when in reality he wasn’t. I thought we had a connection, a spark of instant attraction that was special. Evidently, Max thought differently about our mutual interest and decided to pursue other avenues. Coffee ground crotch was obviously the type of woman he wanted, and he’d lied to me when he said I was prettier in my uniform.
Truthfully, I envied her free spirit and sexual prowess. I wished I could be more like her. My only sexual experiences were with a man not of my own choosing, and not how I’d dreamt it would be. In my mind, there was nothing pleasurable about having sex; it was a chore, like washing dishes or folding laundry, something that needed completing before you were allowed to eat dinner. The sheer look of ecstasy on her face whenever she took him in the back of her throat made me feel bitter with resentment. How could she have enjoyed that? I watched them longer than I should have. The carnal scene bought tears to my eyes and a feeling of loneliness to my soul. I stood there gaping at the live pornographic scene, and for once in my life, I wished it were me down on my knees, pleasuring a handsome man because I wanted to and not because I had to.
It was then that the sob I’d tried so desperately to hold back escaped my trembling lips and interrupted their little fiesta. My eyes shifted to the man on the receiving end of the blow job, and he was just… gone. His eyes were black, lifeless, like the ones of those porcelain dolls sold at a toy store at Christmas. He wasn’t relaxed or overcome with desire. Instead, his body was stiff as an ironing board and his gaze was focused on nothingness. I recognized that look, that absence of awareness. His body was there, but his mind was elsewhere. My own memories invaded that bathroom and hurled me back to a time when I had no choice but to force my own thoughts and feelings away from the moment, allowing myself to sail quietly to another place and time where I was free. It was always the same dream, my brother and I laughing loudly as we played tag while my parents prepared a picnic lunch in an open field filled with wildflowers. I gave chase, catching him easily then slowing down when it was his turn, allowing him extra time to tag me back. The sun shone brightly as it hovered just over the horizon and cast a warm glow across my mother’s face. She looked like a beautiful angel dressed in all white with flowers pinned to her hair; my brother had given them to her when we arrived. The day ended with the four of us lying closely together on a blanket, my brother and I sandwiched between our parents while we watched the sun set. We were safe there, nestled between the outpouring of parental love of our mother and father, where nothing and no one could hurt us. It was a beautiful dream that I never wanted to let go. Sadly, I always had to. Until the next time.
I wanted to leave, run outta there to my piece-of-shit car, jam my foot on the gas and never look back. That’s exactly what I deserved for being a Good Samaritan trying to do the right thing. Fuck it, blow job queen could drive his ass back to the mansion. Then what, Haven? Max would assume I was angry or jealous. I was an employee, for fuck’s sake, not one of his homeys. All I needed was for him to rat me out to his mother, and I would be fired on the spot for spying on him. I had signed a non-disclosure agreement and chances were there was a clause buried inside of it prohibiting the unprofessional behavior I’d displayed. Running off and leaving the senator’s son stranded at a café would definitely qualify as poor behavior on my part. Face it, Haven, you’re stuck like chuck.
I took my seat at our assigned booth. I forgot that my bladder was full and I still had to pee like a Russian racehorse. I just had to hold it for now; no way was I going back inside that bathroom while Max was still in there. It didn’t take long for the two love birds to emerge from the hallway. The whore was holding on to Max’s arm like a damn spider monkey. I hoped she washed her hands before leaving the restroom like the sign said; it was the law, for fuck’s sake. Max caught me sitting at the booth and quickly disengaged himself from the human leech. The shocked expression on his face said it all. He’d expected me to be gone instead of sitting there like a dutiful idiot. Coffee crotch playfully pouted at his rejection, plastered on her fake smile, and pranced her nasty ass back to the hostess station. My work here was done. Max was no longer a danger to himself or the innocent bystanders caught in his path. My only obligation now was to take him where he wanted to go and end this rat bastard situation. I grabbed a handful of napkins from the dispensary and met him standing in the aisle before he reached the table.
He let out a long, suffering breath and nodded his head. I led the way toward the entrance. Once out front, I tossed the stack of napkins toward the cock-sucking hostess, raised my head up high, and walked out the door. Disease-infested skank.
Max met me at the car, his mouth twisted in anger with his arms folded across his chest. Guess he didn’t like my pointing out the obvious. Oh well, sucks to be him. The only thing I wanted to hear was “Take me home.” Anything else was not my business. I jumped inside, put the key in the ignition, and waited for him to join me.
“Where would you like me to drop you off, Max?” I didn’t bother looking in his direction. The temptation to slap him was too great.
“Trying to get rid of me already, Heaven? What was that shit with the napkins back there? If you wanted to join in, all you had to do was ask.” Oh hell, no. We were not discussing that shit, no fucking way. The bored look on his face meant he wasn’t ashamed at all by having been caught getting head, like that was an everyday occurrence for him.
“Look. Just tell me where you want to go, and I’ll take you. I can see you’re feeling much better now, so let’s just call it a day. I’m sure you have other things to do besides hanging out with the hired help.” Petulant but effective. He was wasting my time sitting in that parking lot for no good reason other than to piss me off further.
“Think you got it all figured out, don’t you? Rich senator’s son got into an argument with his mother and you had to hold his hand to keep him from falling apart? Is that what you think? I should feel better now, since I had my dick sucked and came down some bitch’s throat? Woman, I haven’t felt in years, and one nameless whore in a dirty bathroom won’t change that. You’ve got some fucking attitude, Heaven, and it might be sexy, but you got a look in your eyes like you haven’t been fucked in a year.” He jumped out the car and started walking in the opposite direction of the mansion. How dare he act like an asshole toward me? He was the one who let some bitch suck him off in a dirty bathroom, yet I had the fucking attitude? He definitely had me confused with someone else if he thought for a minute that shit was cool.
“Where do you think you’re going? Get back in the car, Max,” I yelled to his retreating back.
He flipped me off and kept on walking. Oh no, he didn’t! I raced up to him, grabbed him by the arm, and forced him to turn around and face me. I wouldn’t be treated like this, not after I’d gone out of my way to do him a favor. It was time someone taught this guy some fucking manners.
“What’s your deal? I drove your ass here so you could get your head screwed on straight, and that’s the thanks I get? You’ve got some nerve, buddy. What? You think because you’re rich you can treat people any old way? You’ve got a lot to learn about friendship, pal, or didn’t you figure that out in boarding school?”
Max was a big man, especially compared to my tiny frame, but that didn’t stop me from giving him my best stare down, or stare up, to be exact. Patrons sitting inside the café were watching us from the window. Some had their phones out recording the scene. Great. I’ll end up on YouTube later. Max’s anger hadn’t diminished a bit by my little show of bravery. He took a power stance and struck back harder than I expected.
“Friendship? Is that what you think we are…friends?” He laughed loudly, and I paled in horror. He wasn’t my friend. Judging by his cackling laughter, he thought I was a fool for even thinking I was good enough to stand on the same sidewalk as someone like him.
“You wanna be my friend, Heaven? Is that really what you want?” He stepped closer and invaded my space with his huge, hulking body.
“Get down on your knees and show me how friendly you can be. A man can never have too many friends, especially when he needs his cock sucked.” Why is he being so cruel?
“That’s not what—”
He grabbed the back of my neck and forced my lips to his. He kissed me painfully hard, stopping any cries of protest from escaping my throat. I used both of my arms to try and force him away, but he was too big, too strong. I could do nothing but wait for the onslaught to be over so I could leave as quickly as possible. He was punishing me, making me pay for whatever transgression I’d violated when I mentioned the idea of us being friends. My fortitude was replaced by fresh tears, determination by dejection. Max had become the taker that I knew he would. He released my mouth but kept a tight hold on the back of my neck with just enough pressure to keep me in place.
“You are nothing to me but a bitch to use when I want my cock sucked, just like that one in the café, a warm cunt to feed my need, nothing more. Do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from me before you get hurt, ‘cause in my world? Friendship? Friendship is a motherfucker.” He spat on the ground and walked away. He left me alone to wonder if I’d just made a huge mistake and why his words cut so deep.
PAST
My second night at the junkyard, and still I hadn’t slept. The same series of unfortunate events happened whenever I attempted to rest my tired eyes. It started with the violent thrashing, so savage I was left with bruises on my arms and shoulders from banging them into the bookshelf headboard. The sheets were left a tangled mess piled in the middle of the floor after I threw them off my overheated body. The screaming usually bought Buck running into the room, that first time, carrying a gun when he thought it was a burglar. The climax, and the worst part in my book, was the wetting of the bed. Losing complete control of my bladder at my age was embarrassing. If the other boys found out, I would be a laughing stock. That sloppy, wet feeling of piss and sweat that coated my body was enough to hate living this life and give up. Buck was the only thing preventing me from ending it once and for all.
“You ain’t sleepin’, boy. You gotta fight this thing harder, beat it back and find your strength.” Buck sat on the edge of the bed and took in my rumpled appearance.
“I can’t, Buck…too strong, can’t beat him…I can’t…I’m too weak.” I couldn’t take a deep breath or finish my sentences. The nightmare was still too fresh inside my mind.
“You. Are. Strong. But you have to believe it…in here.” He pointed to his own chest as a way to demonstrate, but I shook my head no, he didn’t understand. Buck was strong and brave; he could beat anyone with just one punch, wasn’t afraid of anything. I knew from the look on his face that he didn’t need the headache of some mixed-up kid in his life. If I didn’t straighten up, he was going to send me away, back home to…them.
“Get dressed and come with me, boy.” This was it, the end.
He led me outside to an open field. I didn’t want to go, afraid he was giving me the boot. I hadn’t seen much of the junkyard other than the front entrance and the house that was seated behind it. I had no idea there was so much land. There were several sheds throughout that were more like mini houses, made of brick, and not those cheap metal kinds they sell at the do-it-yourself stores. Buck had to yell at me to keep up. I was so taken aback by the expanse of this place. I marveled at the hidden corners and stacks of old tires and cars. You could get lost out here for hours before you were discovered. If I was lucky, maybe Buck would let me stay out here in one of the brick sheds; that way, I wouldn’t wake him at night and mess up the bed sheets. I was just about to make that suggestion when Buck told me to stay put while he went inside one of the buildings that was protected by barbed wire. It had lights attached at the top that came on when he was standing close to the fencing. There were also cameras all around that moved in sync with Buck’s movements, all high tech, all self-activating, just like in the movies.
It didn’t take long for Buck to return to the spot I was standing. He was carrying something in his arms, a case of some sort. He handed it to me, but it was so heavy I nearly dropped it on the ground. I balanced it under my arm using both hands and practically dragged it over to where Buck was standing a short distance away. The bag was probably filled with food and clothing, enough for
the journey home. Buck wouldn’t send me away without something to eat, not to mention a few clean pairs of underwear. I was grateful for his forethought but heartbroken he was going to ask me to leave the junkyard.
“Set the bag down and open it up.” I did as I was told and holy shit, I nearly pissed myself…again.
“Wha…” My hands shook as I reached for the object inside.
“That’s a Benelli M4 Super 90 semi-automatic shotgun you’re holding. That motherfucker could blow a hole through a man big enough to fit a fucking cow through. I’m givin’ it to you, but first, you gotta learn how to use it right. Can’t have you fucking around with a weapon like that without knowing how. Too dangerous.”
“I don’t understand, Buck. I thought you were sending me away.” I lowered my head, afraid he would change his mind any second.
“What the fuck ever gave you that idea, dumbass boy?” he gritted out.
“You know, because of the nightmares and the…ruining the sheets. I’m trying, Buck, I really am. It’s just…the dreams are so real, and the shadow is always there, waiting for me.” I fought to hold back the tears, but they fell anyway. Who the hell cries holding a shotgun?
“Listen up, boy, you ain’t going nowhere, not now, not ever. If they want you, they’ll have to go through me, and I ain’t sure if you noticed, but I don’t fuck around. Everything’s been taken care of. You start at that school Range goes to tomorrow. He’ll show you around. Got the papers squared away, even got you a new name. Forget Maxwell Lancaster. He’s dead. From now on, you are Max O’Neill. Get used to it, repeat it over and over to yourself until you believe it.”
Salvaging Max Page 8