“Taylor,” Molly said.
The girl was happy just at the sound of the singer’s name. She was overjoyed just by having to find her likeness on a wall of the arena.
Zoe’s whole body throbbed with her own heartbeat as she waited for Molly to find the tickets. She couldn’t remember being so excited to give someone something.
Molly reached the photograph and pulled it off the wall. “There’s something in here.”
“Take a look,” Zoe said, rocking on her toes. “What is it?”
Molly held the plastic close to her face. When she seemed slow to process what the sleeve held Zoe blurted out, “It’s two tickets to see Taylor Swift in concert! I’m taking you! I got us tickets!”
Molly let go of the reins, her hands flying to her face. Noises came from her but they weren’t words. They were more like a combination of squeaks and sharp breaths. Finally, she calmed down enough to take her hands away from her face. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“We’re going to Taylor Swift?”
“Yes!” Zoe bounced up and down. “We’re going! We’re going!”
Zoe looked at Kirsten to see her response. Kirsten was smiling but she didn’t look as blown away and enthusiastic as Zoe had expected her to.
“I can’t even ride anymore,” Molly said. “I can’t. I’m so excited.”
“Me too,” Zoe said.
“We can finish up here for today,” Kirsten said, all business again.
Zoe led Daisy back to the mounting block.
Kirsten said, “Pat your horse and thank her for the ride.”
Joanne was just coming back in and noticed the commotion and the look on Zoe and Molly’s faces. “What’s up?”
“Mom!” Molly said. “Zoe got me and her tickets to Taylor Swift! I’m going to Taylor Swift!”
Zoe had seen plenty of horse-show-mothers trying to remain calm when they were anything but, and that was exactly what Joanne was doing. Usually this happened at the ring when their supposedly unbelievably talented daughter flubbed a big class. The mother would be trying so hard not to burst into tears or fly into a rage that her face would be arranged in a frozen half-smile. That was how Joanne looked now.
“I hope it’s okay I got the tickets,” Zoe said.
She tried to imagine what was going through Joanne’s mind—what could she be concerned about?
A late night? Zoe’s driving? Drunk people at the concert saying rude things about Molly’s disability? It was Taylor Swift, not some raucous country band where everyone in the crowd was plastered.
“It was a really nice thought,” Joanne said.
A nice thought.
Nice thoughts were actually bad ideas in mom-speak.
Maybe Molly needed certain medication. But couldn’t Zoe give it to her? What about her car? Zoe hadn’t thought of that, which she realized now was stupid. But couldn’t she borrow the minivan? She looked over at Molly’s happy, hopeful face.
Joanne got Molly loaded in the minivan, the whole time maintaining her remain-calm expression. Molly kept babbling about the concert, which didn’t help the terrible pit growing in Zoe’s stomach.
“I wonder what songs she’ll play? Will she play her new stuff? She usually has special guests too . . . who could she have this time? Maybe it’ll be someone amazing like Joe Jonas.”
When the minivan door had slid shut, Joanne led Zoe a few feet away. Zoe bit her lip, waiting for the verdict.
“She can’t go to a concert,” Joanne said flatly. “Don’t you think if she could go to a concert I would have already taken her to see Taylor Swift five hundred times?”
“Why can’t she?” Zoe said, somewhat timidly. She followed up with, “I’m so sorry. I just don’t understand.”
“Because she can’t walk into a huge stadium, go up stairs, sit in a hard-backed seat for what would be five hours by the time the opening acts play and they finally get to Taylor Swift.”
“Couldn’t we just show up late, like right before Taylor comes on?”
“When the stadium is packed full of people screaming and talking and singing? We’re going to walk in with Molly . . . You are going to stand behind Molly and walk her in? She can barely walk over well-lit, even ground and it’ll be dark with people’s spilled drinks and feet to trip over. It’s asking for an accident.”
“I thought maybe she could use a wheelchair. I guess we’d have to use your van. Maybe you could drive us? I didn’t think through all the details.”
“No, you didn’t. Did you get handicapped accessible seats?”
Of course she didn’t. Zoe pressed her fingers to the bottom of her eyelids, trying not to cry. Molly was so happy and excited. Now she’d be crushed.
“Look,” Joanne said. “I know you meant well. You like Molly and that’s so nice for her.”
“I do,” Zoe said. “I really like her so much.”
“I know, and you probably think I’m being overprotective and a kill-joy but you don’t know anything about what it’s like to manage her condition. She has a bad fall or gets a common cold and things can go south frighteningly fast. Her body is not like other people’s bodies and it’s not just what you see on the outside. It’s on the inside too. I am being overprotective because I have to be. Because her body can’t protect itself.”
“I get it,” Zoe said. “I’m so sorry. I made such a mess of all this. She’s going to be crushed.”
They were silent for a moment, each likely imagining the same thing: telling Molly there would be no concert.
“I’ll tell her,” Zoe said. “It was my stupid idea and I’ll tell her I didn’t think it through enough and it’s my fault. You shouldn’t be the one to have to tell her.”
“I’ve told her harder things before,” Joanne said.
Zoe nodded and walked back into Narrow Lane in a daze.
“Are you okay?” Kirsten said.
“She can’t go,” Zoe said despondently.
Kirsten closed her eyes briefly like she had already known the outcome.
“I hate that I did that to her,” Zoe said.
“I know you do but these kids are tough. People look at them and think they’re fragile but they’re tough.”
Kirsten was being kind but she wasn’t really making Zoe feel better.
“By the way, I wanted to let you know you’ve completed all your required hours.”
“Does that mean you want me to stop working here? Is this about what just happened—”
“No,” Kirsten rushed to reassure her. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I like being here,” Zoe said, tears flooding her eyes.
“Then keep coming,” Kirsten said, looking at her earnestly. “Okay? We like having you here.”
“You sure?” Zoe asked.
“Yes,” Kirsten said emphatically.
For the rest of the day Zoe was sick to her stomach about setting Molly up and then letting her down. She should have known better. She should have asked Joanne or John first about the concert. But none of the details Joanne pointed out had even occurred to her.
She’d been so intoxicated with the idea and now she’d blown her whole commission on a concert she wasn’t going to go to. She couldn’t go without Molly. That would feel all wrong. And it wasn’t even about the money. It was about Molly. Zoe kept seeing her face when she’d found the tickets in the plastic sleeve.
It was just like Zoe to rush into doing something without thinking. When would she ever learn?
And now John would undoubtedly heap on the disapproval as well.
When she drove into his farm that afternoon, she spotted him on the riding mower out in one of the fields between the barn and the house. He had ear protectors on and a straw hat and there was something incredibly sexy about seeing him out there. It was just the emotion she didn’t need to feel right now—attraction. It felt out of place, like laughing at a funeral.
She went ahead and brought Gidget out. She brushed her off and was putting on her
front boots when John came into the barn. He was sweaty from being out in the sun, his neck red.
“Have you talked to your mother?” she said immediately.
“No, is something wrong?” His face looked panicked, as if something terrible had happened to Molly while he was out on the mower.
“No, nothing’s wrong. I mean your mom’s fine, Molly’s fine.” Zoe saw relief on his face. “But I fucked up royally.”
“How?”
Zoe was still holding the front boots that she hadn’t put on yet. She told John about the tickets, starting with how she had heard about the concert and thought Molly would love it. She could tell he had a sense for how the story would end as he started to grimace nearly the moment he heard her say, “Tickets to Taylor Swift.”
When she was done explaining what had happened, he said, “Poor Molly.”
“And stupid, asshole me.”
“You tried to do something nice. Your intent was good.”
“But that’s what always happens with me. My intent seems good and then what I end up doing is a big pile of dog shit.”
“Okay, it’s not the end of the world.”
“You should have seen her face when she saw the tickets . . .”
“I can imagine.”
“Now your mom totally hates me.”
“I doubt that.”
“No, she does. I’m sure of it. I want to do something to make it up to Molly but I don’t know what to do.”
“Just come over tonight,” John said. “She just wants to be around you. She likes you. She likes having a friend. Honestly, it’s that simple with her. She doesn’t need Taylor Swift tickets.”
“But she would have loved it . . .” Zoe said, wistful. “And your mother definitely doesn’t want me coming over. She probably never wants to see me again.”
“My mom’s pretty forgiving,” John said. “One time I cut up her favorite sweater to make my own custom fuzzies for a halter.”
“Seriously?” Zoe said.
“Yes, and she forgave me and took me to the tack store to buy real fuzzies.”
Thinking of John as a young boy, cutting up his mother’s sweater into fuzzies made Zoe smile.
John nodded to the boots in Zoe’s hands. “Finish tacking up. I’ll get on Oakley and meet you out there.”
It killed Zoe that Molly didn’t even seem that upset when she came over that night. Zoe noticed a look in Molly’s eyes, a look that told Zoe Molly had been down this road before. That disappointment was a big part of life for her.
“It’s okay,” Molly told her. “I think she’s probably better to listen to at home than in a concert anyway with all the other people there yelling.”
“I’m so sorry,” Zoe said.
“It’s okay,” Molly said. “Really.”
“Do you still want to watch a movie tonight?” Zoe asked.
“I was thinking maybe The Spectacular Now,” Molly said.
“Yeah,” Zoe said. “That’s perfect.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Dakota was acting weird around Zoe. Instead of being her talkative self, she was quiet and distanced. She said a curt hello and then carefully avoided looking at her.
When Zoe said, “What’s up?” she replied, “Nothing much,” and walked on.
Dakota stared at her phone so she wouldn’t have to talk to Zoe and when they rode together she seemed to make a point of never looking at her and even cutting across the ring or circling so they wouldn’t have to pass.
“What’s going on with her?” Zoe asked Linda.
“I don’t know. Maybe something with her parents? They haven’t been home all summer.”
Zoe decided to make Dakota talk to her when she was waiting for Angelique to pick her up and take her back into the city.
“Okay, cut the bullshit, what the hell is going on with you?” Zoe said.
Dakota still didn’t look up from her phone. “I should be asking you the same thing.”
“Huh?” Zoe said. “I’m not the one being standoffish.”
Dakota finally looked up for long enough to shoot Zoe a cold look. “No, you’re the one being all slutty and stupid.”
Zoe swallowed, caught off guard. She took a moment to process that Dakota probably knew about Morgan. If that was the case, Dakota was right to call her out. Zoe had hoped she could put the night in Lake Placid with Morgan behind her but she should have known it wouldn’t be that easy to wipe it from existence.
“You’re talking about Morgan Cleary?” she said, just to confirm. You never knew what gossip could be circulating.
“Yup,” Dakota said.
“I made a mistake,” she said. “I would think maybe you could understand. I mean it wasn’t like he was just anyone. He’s Morgan Cleary.”
Dakota positioned a hand on her hip. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“He’s a billionaire,” Zoe pointed out.
“So it’s okay to go out with assholes if they have lots of money? Oh, that’s good for me to know going forward. So then we need to amend our pact. No dating assholes unless they have money. You are a really great role model.”
Zoe hated Dakota’s sarcastic tone. And it was different for her. Dakota would never have to worry about money. “You have money of your own,” Zoe said. “You don’t have any idea what it’s like to be broke-ass-poor and have credit card debts up to your eye-balls.”
“I’d rather be broke-ass-poor then be with an asshole. When we made the pact I thought I was the one who’d have to work hard not to break it. You were supposed to be the adult.”
“You don’t know me very well at all then,” Zoe said. “I never act like an adult.” She wanted to point out that if she had gone to college like most nineteen year-olds she’d hardly be considered an adult. It was only in the horse world that crossing the monumental age eighteen made you suddenly adult.
Dakota flipped her phone in its Vineyard Vines case in her hand. “I thought you’d changed. I thought you’d grown up.”
Zoe didn’t know what to say back. She’d thought she’d changed too, and grown up some. And maybe she had but that didn’t mean she got it all right. It had been tempting to think that being with Morgan might solve all her problems.
Still, she shouldn’t have broken her promise to Dakota. It killed her that Dakota actually believed in her and saw her as a mature, big-sister-like figure. It killed her that she’d let her down. It was the second time in days she’d let someone down. And Dakota probably didn’t even have any of idea of how Morgan had hurt her. If she knew that, then what would she think?
“Okay, so I blew it. Let’s try again. We’ll start the pact over again.”
“No,” Dakota said sharply. “It’s over. It’s done. You already killed it.”
“So that’s it? You’re going to go out with whoever now just because I messed up?”
Dakota squinted at her. “I didn’t say that. Just because you don’t care about yourself doesn’t mean I’m going to do something stupid too.”
Zoe didn’t point out that Dakota was not exactly known for her clear head. “Well, that’s good to hear. I’m glad you’re smarter than me. I’m glad you’re not going to make all the same fucked up mistakes I do. Don’t, okay?”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Dakota said.
Angelique pulled up and Dakota ran to the car and jumped in, without even looking back at Zoe.
Linda must have caught some of what had just gone on between them because when Zoe walked back into the barn she said, “What was that all about?”
“We had kind of an agreement. Like we made a promise to each other that we wouldn’t go out with assholes. She found out about me being with Morgan in Lake Placid. Not about my shoulder—thank God—or at least I don’t think she knows about that but just that I hooked up with him. It was probably on HorseShowDrama.”
“So she’s pissed you broke the pact?”
“Yup, and she deserves to be.” Zoe looked at the ground, embar
rassed. It was bad enough that her actions hurt herself; worse that they had hurt others. “That girl has no one in her life to look up to and I guess I thought for a deluded moment maybe I could be that person.”
“I’d like to think she can look up to me too,” Linda said. “But then I guess there’s the whole knocked-up unmarried thing.”
Dakota had seemed excited when Linda had told her she was pregnant. Maybe she’d always wanted a sibling and this was the closest she’d get to it.
The Pearces had been overwhelmingly positive too. They said they knew she’d be able to work out having a baby and still training Dakota.
“They don’t believe in parents actually raising their children,” Linda had joked to Zoe. “I’m sure they think I’ve already got my live-in hired.”
Zoe stole a glance at Linda’s cute baby bump. There was no disguising her pregnancy now.
“She can totally look up to you, even when she knows you got yourself knocked-up,” Zoe said. “I guess I just liked the idea of her looking up to me.”
“So what’s the deal with you and Morgan anyway?”
Behind them in one of the stalls, a horse sneezed.
Another—undoubtedly it was the ever cocky Plato—banged his door demanding his afternoon flake of hay.
“Nothing. It’s over. I knew I wasn’t anything to him but I guess I couldn’t help but think it could change into something real.”
“It’s not going to,” Linda said.
“I know. Why did he even bother with me? Given who he is, why does he want to risk having his name all over HorseShowDrama?”
“You’re his big rebellion. His one last fuck-you to his family before he takes over the company and marries some little miss priss.”
“Like Julia.”
Linda nodded.
“He’s a deeply unhappy man,” Zoe said.
“They all are, hon.”
“Not all of them. Not Eamon.”
“Not Eamon. And not John,” Linda said, her eyebrows raised.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Vermont was perhaps the closest thing to home for Zoe. If she counted up the weeks she spent in one place horse-showing, Wellington would by far have the most weeks but it was hard to feel like Wellington was home for her, even though many people made Wellington their home base. And maybe someday she’d decide to make it hers. But WEF was too crazy-busy, too frenetic to feel like home.
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