“It was me,” I said in a low, shaky whisper. She was reaching for me again, but her hand dropped to the bed instead.
Christ, I said it. The words actually came out of my tainted mouth. I looked at her, soaking in what I could, with great hope that she wouldn’t run. In my head, I begged her not to run. She didn’t say anything for a long time. It was the most prolonged, uncomfortable silence I had ever experienced.
“You?” was all she could get out. My eyes were red and swollen from crying. My hand trembled when I reached for her hand. Unexpectedly, she allowed me to take it.
“There is a lot of explaining that I need to do.”
“Well…out with it then,” she bit out, cold and unfeigned. Rightfully deserved.
“I live a lie.” I paused and licked my lips again. “Some of what I told you was true.” Quinn looked terrified, as was I. My trembling voice gave away my fear. “I was born and bred for the program.”
“The program?”
“Yes. Scientists handpicked my parents and forced my biological mum to get pregnant. Once I was delivered, they took me away. I’m not even sure what happened to her. When I questioned it, I was beaten. So I never asked again.” Quinn inhaled sharply. “For years, I lived within a facility while they trained me. I’m not a product of love. I have never been loved, nor do I know how to love. I was never hugged or kissed or even held as a child. No Mum to protect me or love me. No one has ever loved me.”
It sounded horrible when I said it. Plain and simple, it was horrible to never know a mother’s love.
“What about Evangeline?”
“There is no Evangeline.”
“What?” Her voice raised.
“I don’t have a wife or child.” I immediately thought of Carly and the baby. “That was a lie I was fed to tell so people would trust me. I was more likely to be trusted if I had a family versus just being a renegade man.” My eyes shifted from hers, full of shame, and I cleared my throat. “Later into the program, they stopped breeding us and just handpicked society’s riff-raff from orphanages or off the streets.”
“Who is ‘they’?”
“The government.” Quinn’s jaw fell open. “This program is to decimate populations so one country can step up and become a super power. At first, the US and England worked together. They didn’t count on the current head of the program, Roger, going rogue and taking complete control. The virus was scientifically generated in labs in England. We were their guinea pigs. We were injected with a small quantity because they wanted us to become immune. We were supposed to protect the borders of where it was released and keep the virus from running rampant across the world. Roger decided he wanted the virus released in the States. He sent a bunch of recruits over here to live as Americans or transplants.” I knew I was rambling.
“So who is this Henry guy? Is he real?”
“Yes. He was supposed to inject the full virus into someone in New York, where he lived. He decided he was leaving the program but, well…you can’t do that. You are in for life. If you try to leave, they will hunt you down, torture, and kill you and everyone in your life. I was sent to New York to deal with him. I followed him, stalked him, and I got into an altercation with him. He refused to continue with the mission, so I broke into his flat and stole it from him, as per my instructions. I was to carry out the mission no matter what.
“I followed Henry around for months, waiting for the right moment. I discovered he was getting married. I decided it would be a great time to inject someone because it would spread like wildfire at a large event. And it did. As soon as I injected their limo driver, I boarded a plane to get back to Atlanta, where I was stationed. It took about a week for the virus to reach me.” Quinn looked stunned. “So it was me. I did it…as per instructions. I was to recruit an army of people, train them, and fight off the virus until there was no sign of anymore undeads. There are…or were…ten of us in the States. I have been unsuccessful. My other mission is to make Henry true dead when I make it to North Carolina. I know he wants to make me true dead, too, but he’s not nearly as powerful as I am.”
My eyes were wet and the pain of my actions was written all over my face. The confession felt so fucking good. For the first time ever, I felt like I could breathe.
Quinn laid still, silent for a long time. “So Henry knows you released it?”
“Yes. He wanted nothing to do with the program anymore. He’s mentally stronger than me. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was too scared to go rogue. I know what I did and have done is wrong. I want to close that door and try to fix what I did.”
Quinn shook her head. “You can’t fix this, Gunther.”
“I know, but I have to try,” I whispered. Quinn started to get up and I grabbed for her arm, wincing in pain. “Please…I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do…or say.” The tears continued to burn my raw cheek. Quinn shook my hand off of her arm as she got up from the bed. “Quinn, please. I…I…I think I’m in love with you.”
Holy fuck, did I just say that? Did those words escape my lips? My heart palpitated, I felt nauseous, and I was sweating.
It was difficult for me to say those words because I wasn’t sure if it was love that I felt. If true love was what I was feeling, I wanted more of it. I needed more of it. I craved more of the feeling. She paused in the doorway for a moment, then left.
“Quinn!” I yelled. “Quinn, please…” I was in no shape to chase after her.
With a Sig in her trembling hands, Josie was standing by the door. When she saw how upset she was, Quinn knew she had heard. Josie had every intention to go into that room and make Gunther true dead.
“He killed them. Every one of them! It’s his fault. This is all his fucking fault, Quinn!” Josie’s tears tracked down her gaunt, pale face. She wiped her nose on the sleeve of her shirt.
“Josie, trust me, I’m as angry as you are about this. But killing him is not going to make anything better.” Quinn tried to grab Josie by the arms.
“You only say that because you love him!” Josie tried to shoulder past her.
“I do and I don’t know why.” Quinn sounded as if she were angry with herself for the feelings that she couldn’t control. “But you just can’t storm in there and shoot him.”
“I think it’s fucking justified!” Josie clenched her fist and the other was gripping the Sig.
“I understand why you feel that way. Believe me, I do, but it’s not right, Josie.”
She was seething. “What’s not right is what he did!”
“He knows that. He knows what he did was wrong. He was forced to do it under duress, and he didn’t have another option!”
“Sure he did! That Henry guy threw in the towel. Why didn’t he?”
“Josie…you don’t understand what these people did to them. They were tortured and abused into submission. He was programmed to do it. He knew if he didn’t follow through with his orders, they would torture or even kill him and anyone he was with.” Quinn finally grabbed her by the shoulders. “He was scared, much like you are right now!” Josie stood in front of Quinn and cried, knowing what she said was the truth.
“If he didn’t release it…”
“Someone else would have. He was the messenger. Don’t you see that? It doesn’t matter. It was going to happen no matter who gave the injection. So, please…” She made Josie look into her eyes. “I am asking you as a friend. Don’t hurt him. He has lived through enough pain. It’s time for him to start healing. It’s time for all of us to start healing.”
Josie thought for a moment, then turned the Sig in her hand, pointing the handle at Quinn. “Thank you.” Quinn took the weapon and hugged Josie tightly. She wasn’t receptive, which worried her. Josie tried to push away, but she wouldn’t let her go.
“I think I’m going to start a fire and figure out something to eat.”
“I think that is a great idea.” Before she could tug away from Quinn’s grip, she kissed Josie on the forehead. “Just so you know, I love
you much like I love my own daughter.”
“Thank you.” Josie shuffled off toward the fireplace.
Quinn turned around and Gunther was leaning in the doorway of the bedroom. His jaw was trembling, obviously from how painful it was to stand. Or maybe it was because of all the emotions that were running rampant through him. She wasn’t exactly sure.
“You should lie down,” Quinn muttered.
She tried to turn away from me, but I grabbed her arm. “I need to speak with you.” My voice was just as firm as my grip, even though my confidence had waned considerably.
Quinn looked down at my cold hand clasped around her arm. “No.” She glanced up at my eyes. “Not now.”
“Please,” I pleaded. She tried to pry my hand away from her forearm. “Please, Quinn. I need to talk to you. I’d get on my knees and beg if I knew the pain wouldn’t kill me.” Quinn looked at the floor for a few moments.
“Fine,” she growled. “But make it quick.”
Letting go of her arm, I murmured a “Thank you” before she followed me back into the room, closing the door behind us. The walls were paper thin in the dark bedroom, so it really didn’t matter how we spoke. The possibility that our words may be heard was very real. “Please, sit.” I waved toward the bed and Quinn cautiously sat down, fear spreading across her face. “Don’t be afraid of me. I will not cause you any more harm,” I whispered.
“I’m not,” she said indignantly, but terror filled her beautiful eyes.
Still shirtless, I stood in front of Quinn as a bloodied, battered, abused, broken, tortured soul. The bruises on my torso looked even angrier than they did fifteen minutes prior. My face was stained with blood, and my hair was matted with dried blood where she stitched up the jagged gash.
Sympathy grew in her eyes as they darted around my desecrated body. She tried to hold it together, but she wasn’t able to. My pitiful presence drew her in, and she looked at me like I was just an innocent boy trapped in a body that was ravaged by a sinister man.
Kneeling down in front of her with a hiss of pain, I rested my forehead on her knee for a moment to gather myself. Then I took both of her hands into mine. “Please, accept my apology. I’m begging you.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do for misleading you.”
“You misled me, but it’s not your fault.”
I was quiet for a moment, trying to understand Quinn and process what she said. “I came to the States and lived my life pushing people away because of my job. I didn’t think the opportunity would be there for me to get close to anyone…ever. It has been so much easier to push people away than to show someone my true self. That’s why I spent many years behaving so poorly.” Gripping her hands with what little strength I had left in my aching body, I cleared my throat, trying to hold it all back. “But I want to be close to you. My heart skips when I see you. I get this rush that I have never felt before, making me feel like a young lad. You make me want to walk on a straight line, not to live a lie anymore. I want to make a life with you.”
Quinn tried to get up. “I can’t do this with you right now.” Seemingly, it was all too much for her: my admission of guilt, my admission of my feelings, my self-damnation, and the fact I was apologizing for something that wasn’t under my control. Frankly, it was too much for me, as well.
Holding her down, even in my weakened state, I murmured, “Quinn…please. That’s why I wanted to apologize to you. I have hurt you beyond measure and I cannot change what happened, but the way you supported me has blown my mind. And when Josie said that you love me… I had to tell you how I felt.
“No one has ever spoken that way about me before, and I have never felt this way before. At first, I didn’t know what was going on in my head and it left me so confused. I had to do what I needed to do to keep my mission on track but, love, you have derailed me. Your kindness and compassion made me see the world through your eyes, not the sin-filled eyes that I have.”
“Gunther…I can’t,” she whimpered.
“But you love me and I you.” My desperation was prevalent. “Let’s make this work. Never had anyone showed me love or affection that wasn’t intended to please me for just one evening, but you have this entire time. You have forever changed the person I am. You have brought out what they pushed down into the deepest part of my mind and the deepest chamber of my heart. And I thank you.” I swallowed hard. “I thank you so fucking much.”
I still held onto Quinn’s hands, tight and desperate. She wasn’t fighting me anymore. She stared into my watery eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Nervous as hell, I waited on a response from her.
Finally, she spoke, “You promise me you are done with this program and you will not pursue this mission anymore?” She was stern, as if she was speaking with a child who had done something well beyond mischievous. “You make that promise to me, Gunther. Right now.”
“Yes, of course. I promise you. I…promise…you. I want to make this right. I want us.” The heavy burden I carried on my shoulders for decades flaked away piece by piece. However, my promise wasn’t exactly truthful. There were still matters to take care of in North Carolina.
“What about this stuff with Henry?”
“Maybe I can make it right with him.” I cringed internally. I wasn’t going to do anything but fuck his shit up when I finally found him—if he was still walking the earth.
Quinn continued to look into my eyes, trying to decide if I was telling the truth or feeding her lies again. In silence, I begged for her to feel nothing but the truth coming from me.
Then it happened. She moved into me, our lips close to touching. Our foreheads rested against one another. “I love you so fucking much, Quinn. So much,” I whispered into her lips that were just a breath away from mine.
“I love you, too.”
I couldn’t believe what was happening. I felt undeserving to be with a woman of her quality. I only ever deserved to be pleased one night at a time. My eyes closed and my huge exhale sent shivers down her spine.
“You have no idea what that means to me. No one, not a single person in my life, has ever said that to me. Ever.” Except Carly, but I didn’t feel her love was real. More or less, she was attached to me because of what happened. Opening my eyes, my forehead still pressed to hers, I decided to make the first move.
Closing my eyes again, I kissed Quinn’s exquisite lips in a soft and loving manner. When I pulled away and cupped her face in my hands, I just gazed at her for a long time, thinking about preservation. “I want to remember this moment with you forever.” Even though we had kissed before, that kiss felt like our first. It was so special to me and I would never forget it.
Quinn opened her eyes when I spoke. Then her cheeks heated, even though my hands cooled her face. She whispered, “Josie is building a fire. We should go help her, unless you need to lie down. There’s a chair out there you can sit in.”
Not expecting her to want to move on so quickly, I smiled. “I’ll manage. Thank you for being concerned with my welfare.” I pressed my lips to her forehead and then, begrudgingly, stood up, feeling every pain in my body.
“Maybe you should lie down instead.” She patted the bed beside her.
“No…no. I’m okay. I just need to move around.” That was a lie. Moving would cause me even more pain, but I didn’t want a moment without her. I would sacrifice my own comfort just to be able to watch her.
“Stubborn,” Quinn mumbled as she stood and left the room. Fucking true story right there. I brought stubborn to a whole new level. I could make a mule look compliant.
I stood there for a moment, smiling to myself. For the first time in my life, my heart was filled with happiness. My nerves tingled through my body and gave me a foreign sensation, but it was bloody glorious.
It was a chilly night and the crisp winter air was right around the corner. I was glad the heat wave seemed to be over.
Hobbling into the common area, I eyed the chair, then decide
d to try to help Josie with the fire. She was squatting in front of the fireplace, blowing on a bunch of dry grass that she had collected, trying feverishly to get the wood to light. “Can I help you with that?” I offered, hoping she would accept me. If Quinn did, she would eventually. That was all I could hope for.
“Uh…yeah, I guess. If you want.” Josie stood up and slowly backed away. She feared me. “I’ll, uh…” She pointed back to the small kitchenette on the other side of the shack. “I’ll get us something to eat.”
I frowned, knowing that fear was what made her walk away from me. Someday, I hoped Josie would forgive me for my unfortunate circumstances and really poor choices. “Thank you.” I smiled. “That would be nice.”
Josie nodded, obviously still unsure of how she should be acting. After hearing her bark at Quinn, she was profoundly angry with me. The possibility was still there that she wanted to put a bullet in my head. I didn’t blame her because I felt the same. There was an occasion or two that I wanted to put a bullet in my own head, ending my sick and twisted life. I hoped Josie knew I was truly sorry and full of remorse for my actions, but the fear radiating off of her hung over me like a thick fog.
They were both rummaging through our belongings. Quinn found a long-sleeved shirt for me to put on, and Josie pulled out a couple tins of soup we had found along the way. She went into the kitchenette and found a pot.
By the time Josie came back over to me, the fire was blazing. “Did we happen to bring a can opener?” She stood in front of me like a nervous child speaking to a stranger. I suppose, since my confession, I was a stranger to her.
I wasn’t a family man or a heroic man walking the earth, trying to save whoever was in danger. I was a half-dead man to blame for the spread of the virus. I murdered everyone she knew and loved. That’s how she saw me, and that’s how I saw myself.
“Yes, I have one.” I dug deep down into my pocket and pulled out a multi-tool knife. “You know how to use it? Or do you want me…?”
Josie snatched the tool out of my hand. “I can do it.” She retreated over to the small table and worked at the tins until she was able to pour the soup into the pot.
Awakened Desires Page 26