by Ward, Quinn
“Oh, Zach,” I whispered. “You have some making up to do, but nobody’s going to hate you.”
“You can't speak for them,” he pointed out.
“You're right, but no one in the suite is shady and vindictive.” I couldn’t think of anyone who didn’t have secrets they tried keeping locked away. Sure, Zach’s came out in more cruel ways, but it wasn’t like he was the first man to ever suffer from internalized homophobia.
“Except for me, you mean.” I smacked the outside of his thigh. “You know I’m right.”
“No, not even you. There's definitely shit you need to sort out and fix, but beneath the tough guy bullshit exterior you try to show everyone else, I know you have a heart of gold.”
Zach snorted a laugh.
I glared at him. “I fucking mean it. You don't let anyone see it because you're afraid they'll use it to hurt you. Every time you come back to school, your light is dimmed a bit and I think I’m starting to understand why.”
“What are you, my therapist now?” Zach was trying to crack a joke but getting him to a therapist wasn't a bad idea. Too bad I wasn't qualified, and even if I was, I was far too close to the situation to be that for him.
Colin pounded on the door. “Are you guys just about ready? We have to get going if we’re heading out.”
I quirked an eyebrow and looked to Zach. I would follow his lead. If he wanted today to be just the two of us, then I would ask Colin to stay behind. But part of me wanted to see what it would be like spending the entire day with both of them. So far, they’d gotten to know one another, and I’d spent time with each of them separately, but it had never been just the three of us. Getting out off campus together would give us time to get to know one another without the sexual chemistry boiling over.
“We’ll be out in three,” Zach bellowed.
“Are you sure about this?” I reached up to pull his bottom lip from between his teeth. “It’s already been a pretty huge morning, I’d understand if you need some time to process.”
“You said nothing I’m not ready for, right?” I backed away as he pushed up from the futon.
I clamped a hand on his shoulder. “Absolutely. And if nothing else, if you're just curious about shit, neither of us will hold it against you if you decide it's not for you. Whatever we do, or don't do, won't impact our friendship.”
The tension he’d been carrying in his shoulders eased. “And what if I get a taste and want more?”
That wasn't something I'd been expecting, but I got the feeling Zach was going to surprise me plenty in the near future.
“I'm pretty sure we can figure something out,” I assured him. “Hell, maybe we'll finally figure out why the sex you’ve been having has been so damn bad.”
“It wasn't all bad,” Zach admitted as he pulled on his jeans and stuffed his feet in his worn-out sneakers. “It was always better when you were there with me.”
“Yeah, because I do all the heavy lifting,” I teased. Zach didn't bother disagreeing. In in some ways, I was Zack's beard. He kept going out and having sex because it was something he thought he was supposed to do, even if it wasn't something he enjoyed.
Colin pounded on the door again. “Are the two of you slow pokes coming or am I heading down to the diner on my own?”
“Is he always going to be that damn pushy?” Zach grumbled.
I shrugged. “You've probably spent more time with him than I have. How the hell am I supposed to know? And maybe we both need someone to tell us what to do for a change.”
I spun away quickly, not wanting to show Zach how much I like the idea of someone else taking control.
I paused before opening the bedroom door and turned back to Zach. “I mean it. If anything gets to be too much for you, tell me.”
Zach nodded in reply.
“I'm serious, Zach. I need to hear your words. Tell me you aren't going to gut through this the same way you did that horrible sex you had last night.”
“Fuck you,” Zach scoffed. “You just had to bring that shit up, didn't you?”
“Figured it might help you remember why seeing how the other half lives might not be such a bad idea after all,” I teased.
Zach playfully kicked me in the ass as we stepped out of the bedroom to where Colin was waiting across the hall. He smirked, making sure both of us knew that he was standing there listening in on every word. One thing was for damn sure, we were going to have to be really fucking careful about what we did until we were ready for the entire damn suite to know about us.
7
Zach
I wasn't sure if I wanted to punch Colin in the face or throw him against the nearest wall and kiss him until we were both breathless. Hitting him seemed like the reaction that was expected of me, but as I sat across from him in the diner, I found I couldn't keep from staring at his mouth. The truth was, I couldn't even be as pissed off at him as I was at myself. I knew better than to let him get too close.
Since the moment he moved into the suite, he'd been watching every little thing everyone did. I could almost picture him mentally cataloging the things none of us realized he could see, just waiting for the moment he could use that information against us. Except nothing about Colin struck me as vindictive. In some ways, that was even worse. He knew things about me, I'd never planned on sharing with anyone, and now he'd used that to weasel his way into Daniel's mind.
I wasn't sure why I hadn't shut Daniel down when he admitted to him and Colin planning some sort of kinky fuckery for the three of us. I’d gotten a little too good over the past few years at insisting to anyone who would listen that I wasn't into dick. I’d been an asshole to anyone who got too close to the truth, worried they’d somehow see the real me I kept hidden away. But all it took was one conversation I wasn’t meant to hear, and I couldn’t lie to Daniel anymore.
And, hell, maybe I wasn't into dudes. It wasn't as if I had done a lot of experimentation to know for sure. But Daniel was right; girls weren't doing anything for me this year. Last night, I’d barely been able to stay hard long enough for her to get off, and the only thing that saved me from utter mortification was the fact she'd been tipsy enough she believed me when I told her I came.
I hadn't.
The noises that girl made as she climaxed reminded me of someone popping a hole in a balloon, then stretching it so the latex made a high-pitched squealing noise as the air escaped. I quickly pulled on my jeans as I slipped on my shoes, barely taking the time to button up as I bolted from her apartment.
I’d driven around campus for almost an hour before coming home, trying to block out the images of the night I’d barely restrained myself from crossing the line. When I came home, Daniel and Colin were still hanging out, and I’d rushed past them on my way to the shower, needing to scrub off any remnants of my latest failed attempt to forget about how he made me feel.
Would my experience with guys be any different? If fantasizing about my buddy wasn’t confirmation I wasn’t as straight as I tried to play it, I didn’t know what was.
I zoned out as Daniel told Colin about the different houses we’d helped build over the past couple of years. He was so damn passionate about helping those in need. I studied him, realizing that it was his heart that had first chipped away at my wall of denial. His eyes sparkled when he talked about making sure no one ever went through the shit he dealt with as a kid.
For all of our similarities, this was one place where we were polar opposites. Neither of us came from wealthy families, but where I'd allowed my dad's struggles to eat away at me like acid, Daniel's family propelled him to do something good in the world. He was determined to get good enough grades for grad school so he could eventually become a social worker. I didn’t know what in the fuck I was supposed to do. My entire plan was to get a degree of some sort, so I never had to go back to the shithole town I called home.
Someone as good as him didn't deserve an asshole like me. He should be with someone who could be proud to be seen in public with
him without worrying that someone might get the wrong idea, especially when their impression wasn't wrong at all. Someone who would be by his side, giving him their full attention without a toxic voice in the back of their mind accusing them of ruining everything they touch.
Colin was perfect for Daniel, as much as I hated to admit it.
And I was just selfish enough to take what they offered for as long as they were willing to let me in between them. I’d worry about picking up the pieces when they fell stupidly in love and gave me the boot. Maybe then I’d figure out what it was about me that was so damn broken and hope I wasn’t too shattered to fix.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” I jumped, my knees banging against the bottom of the chipped laminate tabletop, sloshing coffee over the rim of my mug. Guess I wasn’t doing a very good job of playing it cool. When I tried pulling my arm from under Daniel’s hand, he dug his fingertips into my skin. I wanted to demand he let me go, but I also didn’t ever want him to stop touching me.
I swallowed hard when I glanced up and saw the soft expression on his face. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I glanced at Colin. He wouldn’t meet my gaze. Suddenly, there was something fascinating in the parking lot. He was trying to give us a bit of privacy, as much as he could being stuck on the inside of the booth. If he’d been sitting on the aisle, I imagined he would have made some bullshit excuse to run away so Daniel and I could work through the building tension.
“You don’t normally zone out like that,” Daniel observed. He stared at me, lifting his eyebrows before shifting his eyes toward Colin. Daniel cocked his head to the side, frowning. I’ve known him long enough to read the question he wasn’t asking.
I flashed him a smile that I knew wasn’t convincing.
Everything’s fine, that forced smile said. Really, it isn’t weird at all that the two of you were discussing my sexuality behind my back.
Things were stilted after that, to the point I nearly asked Daniel to run me back to campus. Spending the entire day with the two of them was a disaster waiting to happen. One of us was bound to do something to piss off the others. My money was on me because, if there had been an award for it, I would’ve been voted most likely to do or say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I wasn’t sure how long our staring contest continued before Colin cleared his throat. I looked at him and he sat up straighter, leaning forward so no one would overhear whatever he was about to say.
“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” he apologized. “Chase is always telling me I’m too damn bossy for my own good. He’s not wrong, but there are times when I need to reel it in a bit.”
As the seconds ticked by, I knew that whatever I said next was going to set the tone for the rest of the day. If I told Colin off, we’d have to find a way to pretend like nothing happened.
Or I could admit I needed someone to push me out of my comfort zone.
“It’s all good,” I reassured him. “Just don’t make a habit of it and we’ll be square.”
“You have my word.” Colin made a goofy little X over his heart. I didn’t realize grown men did that shit. “Still, it wasn’t okay for me to talk to Daniel when you weren’t there. I could go into all the reasons I did, but would it really change anything?”
“Probably not, but maybe it would help me if I understood where you’re coming from.” The one thing I couldn’t figure out was why he was so hellbent on playing the kinky little puppet-master. He was a good-looking guy; it wouldn’t be hard for him to find someone willing to let him boss them around.
“Listen, I know you’ll probably take this the wrong way but I’m gonna say it and deal with whatever happens.” That was one thing I liked about Colin. Even when he knew there was a risk, he didn’t avoid speaking his mind.
“Watching you is hard sometimes.” Colin took a sip of his coffee as he stared into the distance. Nothing like jumping into the deep end. “I heard a lot about everyone over the summer. And the guy I’ve gotten to know away from the suite, is the exact opposite of how I imagined you’d be from what Jayden and Chase told me about you. You act like the world’s biggest dick, but I’m starting to realize that’s a coping mechanism for you.”
I squirmed, not sure how I felt about being psychoanalyzed for the second time in as many hours. “When you don’t think anyone’s watching, or when you get a few drinks in you and can’t guard yourself as well, you’re an open book.”
I let out a disbelieving huff of laughter, shaking my head. “No fucking way am I an open book. If I was, there’s no way you’d have been the first to see through the shit I tell everyone.”
It was strange being so completely honest with these two men. I wondered if Daniel was upset that I’d hidden the truth from him until now. If our roles were reversed, I probably would have been pissed as hell at him. I felt guilty, suddenly opening up to this guy we’d only recently met. But it wasn’t really sudden at all. I’d spent the entire summer trying to figure out how I could get myself out of the mess I’d created, and it felt almost as if Colin was the answer I’d been looking for.
“No, you are. But it’s like your book is written in a different language. So most people might see you and they can read something, but they can’t understand you.”
“And you think you know me?” I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, glaring at him, daring him to say he did. He might know more than most, but he didn’t know me. How could he when I didn’t even know myself?
“Not yet, but I’d like to,” Colin admitted. “It’s been hell, knowing you’re checking me out but being too damn worried about scaring you off to say anything. I’m not always good at biting my tongue, but I do know you enough to understand that if I’d made a snarky crack, you would have either bitten my head off or decked me.”
Funny, even he knew punching him would be my default response when I felt cornered.
Wait a fucking minute…
“I was not checking you out,” I argued. It didn’t count if I just so happened to turn around at work and saw him bent over pulling bins out of the line fridge. He always tied his apron loose and the strings tended to slide under the tight globes of his ass. It was like he was begging for someone to notice.
“You totally were.” Colin started to reach across the table then pulled his hand back at the last minute. He glanced around the diner then to where Daniel’s hand still rested on my arm. Daniel gave me a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay. I’m not upset. Hell, after the first few times, I started trying to figure out ways I could catch your attention. I was hoping that if I bided my time, you’d eventually cave.”
See, I knew he’d done that shit on purpose.
“I can’t believe I never knew,” Daniel mused. I thought for sure he’d figured it out that one night. If I hadn’t panicked, everything would have been so different.
“I didn’t want you to.” I swallowed hard, feeling even worse now that the truth hung between us. “I’m so damn confused, D. I’m not like Matt, Brandon, or any of the other guys. I should have known something was different about me sooner.”
“Maybe you’re bi,” Daniel suggested.
I shook my head. If the truth was coming out today, might as well get it all out there at the same time. Rip off that Band-Aid, so to speak.
“I don’t think so.” I was proud of myself for getting the words past my lips. “I really wanted to be straight, but no amount of wishing is going to make that true, is it?”
“Oh, Zach,” Daniel whispered, so softly I wasn’t sure he realized he’d said it out loud.
“No, I don’t want your pity. This is my mess to sort out.” I poked a finger into my chest, angry about all the times I’d lashed out at other people to keep them from getting too close.
“You don’t have to do it alone,” Colin offered. “We’re both here for you.”
“But you shouldn’t be,” I ground out. “I’m sure your brother has told you what an asshole I was to him when he first moved in. I’m surprised
Jayden didn’t beat me to a pulp after the hell I put him through.”
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m not my brother.” Oh, I’d definitely noticed. It didn’t surprise me at all when Chase looked to Jayden for permission before doing anything. It was natural for him, just as being a pushy bastard who needed complete control seemed to be Colin’s default. “If you were to try to break him down again, then you and I might have a problem, but both of us understand what it’s like when you’re trying to come to terms with you are.”
Colin paused, taking another sip of his coffee, once again staring blankly into the distance. His shoulders slumped forward when he looked directly at me. “You’re not the only one keeping secrets, Zach. Very few people know that I’m gay. Even my parents don’t know.”
That was a surprise. Colin exuded confidence that made me jealous as fuck. He didn’t seem like the type to hide away in the closet.
“If you give me a chance, I think you’ll realize you and I aren’t all that different. We simply went about hiding our true selves in different ways. And if you need time to wrap your head around the fact that your secret isn’t a burden you need to carry alone anymore, I’ll understand.” His cheeks turned red as he reached back, scrubbing the base of his neck the way he did when he was nervous. “Honestly, if you want to find a vacant parking lot where you can beat the shit out of me for basically outing you without your permission, I have it coming.”
“No, you don’t,” I argued.
“I actually do,” he insisted. “What I did to you wasn’t right, even if I had good intentions. I decided to let my dick do the thinking and you got caught in the middle.”
“Beating you up isn’t going to change the fact that the truth is out there,” I responded somberly. For the first time in probably ever, the thought of physically harming someone who’d upset me didn’t cross my mind. Sure, it was pretty fucked up, but Colin was a nineteen-year-old college kid whose hormones were in control. Couldn’t exactly say that wasn’t typical shit for someone his age.