by Ward, Quinn
“Hey man, what's up?”
“Would you mind coming out to the living area?” I requested. “I need to talk to you guys for a second.”
Jayden's face paled. Shit. Apparently, me wanting to talk set everyone on edge. “It's nothing bad, I swear.”
“What's going on?” Chase asked from inside the room.
“Zach says he needs to talk to everybody.”
“Oh fuck.” That might have been one of the first times I'd heard him cuss.
He quickly apologized and I couldn't help but laugh. “No sweat, man. I'm learning that me not being a grumpy troll has that effect on people.”
Jayden simply shrugged. “Give us a few minutes and we’ll be out.” He began to shut the door, pausing and turning back to me. “You're sure everything's okay?”
“Yeah. At least, I hope it will be,” I hedged. I was still scared these two were going to lay into me once they knew the truth. And there would be nothing I could do but sit there and take it because I brought it on myself.
If only it was as easy as the spanking Colin had given me that first day. He said everything would be forgiven after that but, until I saw this through, I knew I would carry around the guilt with me.
Great. And now I was standing in front of Colin’s brother's bedroom door, sporting wood, thinking about how cathartic that spanking had been, and wondering if he'd give me another tonight if I asked nicely. And I would. I would drop to my knees and beg, if it helped me get out of my head the way it had the first time.
I made a beeline for the refrigerator, grabbing myself another beer. I needed to slow down after this. Alcohol tended to make me stupid, and neither of the men who could save me from myself were here.
“You want one?” I called out to Matt and Brandon through the serving window between the kitchen and dining area.
Matt turned to Brandon, who shook his head. “No, thank you.”
I'd seen him do something similar in the past, but I felt like my eyes were wide open for the first time in years. Was Matt like me? Is that what Colin and Daniel were being so cagey about before? I wanted to ask, hoping that maybe Matt could help me understand all these confusing feelings running through my brain. But that probably wasn't kosher. How in the hell was I supposed to figure this out if it was this huge, secret, taboo topic?
I pushed those thoughts out of my head and popped open my bottle. I leaned against the wall at the edge of the room. For the past year, I felt like this was my place, both literally and figuratively. I was constantly standing on the outside, watching everyone else live their lives.
When Jayden and Chase joined us, Brandon flashed me a subtle thumbs up. At least he was in my corner. I was glad someone knew about the bomb I was about to drop in the room.
“So, I bet you're all wondering why I called you in here tonight.” Matt chuckled and Jayden glanced around the room, his brow furrowed. “Shit. Is something going on with Daniel?”
Damn, I should have thought about how this would look until they knew what was happening.
“No. It's nothing like that,” I assured him. “He's at a study group right now, but he already knows what I have to say.”
Jayden relaxed a bit. I picked at the hem of my shirt, suddenly fascinated with the stained carpet beneath my feet. My mind wandered, thinking about how long they'd been there and if the roommates who had shared the suite before us carried around our level of drama.
“Well, this is utterly fascinating,” Jayden quipped. I nearly glared at him but stopped myself. If I'd been in his shoes, I likely would have been acting like just as much of an ass as he was. He’d never fully forgiven me for last year. It didn't matter what Brandon said, things hadn't been the same between us since the night I confronted him after too many drinks and a failed hookup attempt. He’d been an easy target for my frustration and it nearly destroyed our friendship.
“Let him talk,” Brandon scolded Jayden, then turned to me. “Remember what I said earlier.”
Matt twisted on the couch, his mouth gaping as he stared at his boyfriend. “Wait a minute. You know what this is all about?”
Brandon nodded.
“And you didn't tell me? I feel like I should be offended.” Matt slumped back in his seat, crossing his arms tightly over his chest as he stuck out his bottom lip. A grown man pouting shouldn’t be cute, but he was.
Brandon pressed his hand over Matt's mouth. “Believe it or not, there are some boundaries that normal people don't cross. And this wasn't my story to tell.”
“Somebody needs to start talking before we all start making assumptions,” Jayden barked, his patience wearing thin.
He was right. I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself to explain why I was the way I was. But that isn't what happened. Maybe it was the alcohol, or possibly something I ate earlier in the day but, all of a sudden, my stomach revolted.
I wasn't even sure if my bottle had spilled all over the floor, as I set it down somewhere near the table before rushing to the bathroom. I fell to my knees, expelling everything I’d consumed that day. Why was this so hard now, when it had been so easy for me to tell Brandon my truth?
I curled my arm around the backside of the toilet seat, resting my forehead against it, suddenly grateful that Brandon insisted we all chip in to keep our suite from turning into a nasty science experiment. I breathed heavily, debating standing up and trying to go back out there. This was not how any of this was supposed to go.
There was a quiet knock at the door, and then someone walked in.
“I'll be out in the second,” I mumbled.
“I brought you a glass of water,” Chase said, offering me the plastic cup. He knelt next to me and started rubbing my back.
“How can you be so nice to me?” I asked.
“Because you looked like you needed a friend and Daniel isn't here,” he explained. “I know it's not the same, but I didn't want you to be alone if you're sick.”
Jesus, was everyone in Colin’s family this syrupy sweet?
“I'll be okay, Chase,” I promised him. “I think my nerves just got the better of me.”
Instead of leaving me, Chase sat on the floor, using the vanity like a backrest. “Anything you want to talk about? I know you're used to keeping everything bottled up, but maybe that's part of the problem, too.”
“You're probably right,” I agreed.
“So, why don't you tell me?”
“Again, why are you being nice to me? I was such a dick to you.” I sat up when I felt confident I wasn't going to go another round with the toilet bowl. I sipped the water Chase brought me, swishing it around my mouth before spitting it out.
He stood, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it. After I finished cleaning myself up, he tossed it into the sink. “I don't think you're a bad guy, Zach.”
“Could have fooled me when you used Jayden like a human shield last year. I'm surprised he's letting you be in here without him.” Shit, that was probably one of those things I said that made everyone think I was a dick. But it was the truth. Chase rarely went anywhere without checking in with his boyfriend, much like Matt. And if I was honest, a bit like me, too. I never really thought about it, but since that day, I’d texted Colin and Daniel to let them know what I was doing and where I was going.
“Despite what you might have heard, I am a grown man. I do make my own decisions from time to time.” His narrowed eyes would have had more effect if he wasn’t so damn cute.
“Shit, that's not what I meant at all,” I clarified. “It's just…” I wrung my fingers together. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I was dating a guy as sweet as you and somebody treated him the way I’ve treated you, there'd be no chance in hell I’d leave you alone with me.”
“If you were dating a guy as sweet as me, huh?” He smirked, his eyes bright with mirth.
So, he picked up on that. It was a good thing I wasn't keeping the secret much longer, because I could only imagine how many more times I'd slip up if I was. “Yeah. Th
at's why I called everybody out there. I shouldn’t keep lying to everyone, and I figured I’d better apologize, too.”
“Would it help to say the words to me, first?” he offered. “Maybe that'll make it less scary.”
“I tried that earlier with Brandon. Thought it worked, too.”
“One thing I’ve learned is, every time you say it, you take away a little of the power your fear has over you.” Chase watched me, waiting for a response.
I took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and then promptly closed it when words got caught. I wasn't sure how many times I did that, looking like a fish gasping for air on land.
Chase rested a hand on my knee. “You can do this, Zach. It's just you and me here,” he reminded me, as if that was supposed to make things easier. And, in a way, I suppose it did.
“I was so horrible to you because I was jealous,” I admitted.
“Jealous of me?” He sounded like that was the most ridiculous thing in the world.
“Yeah. You. You came waltzing in here like it was the most normal thing in the world to be out and proud,” I explained. “And then there was me, doing everything I could to barricade myself in the closet, so I didn't have to admit to anyone—especially myself—that I'm gay.”
Chase draped an arm over my shoulder as my body sagged against his. He pressed his lips to the top of my head, swaying back and forth exactly the way his brother had. They were good men, and I was lucky to have them in my life. “You don’t have to say anything more. It’s okay.”
“No, I need to get this out. I don't expect you to forgive me but maybe if you understand where I'm coming from, you won't hate me.”
At least, he wouldn’t hate me until he knew I was messing around with his brother. And hell, there was still a good chance I'd find a way to screw things up and Colin would leave me before Chase ever found out.
“You don't owe anyone an explanation,” he insisted, hugging me tighter. “Whatever happened to you that made you feel like you couldn't be yourself, I understand. I don't hate you. You made me nervous for a long time, but everybody can see how much different you are this year.”
“Really?” I pulled back so I could look at him.
“Yeah. Your lighter, like you've let go of a burden you’d been carrying around,” he explained. “Now, I guess it makes sense.”
I was less stressed this year, and that was really saying something since I still felt like I was about to snap at any moment. But I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to stay in hiding when I was at school, and I’d kept that vow. For the most part.
“I never thought of it that way. We should probably get back out there before Jayden busts down the door.”
“You give him far too much credit,” Chase scoffed.
“Spoken like a man who’s never gotten on his bad side.” I eased myself off the floor and held out a hand to Chase. The two of us had never been close, and I wasn't sure we’d ever be besties, but it felt right that he was the second person—outside of our trio— to learn my truth. I draped an arm over his shoulder, pulling him in for an awkward hug. “Thanks for coming in to check on me.”
“No problem,” he responded brightly. He looked up at me, flashing me the brilliant smile he reserved for friends. “We have to take care of one another, right?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
I felt the tension in the room as I followed Chase back to the others. He crawled into Jayden's lap, leaning in to whisper something only the two of them could hear. Whatever it was, it made Jayden's scowl soften. As I’d feared, my beer had missed the table in my haste to make it to the bathroom before getting sick. Matt was just finishing up sopping the liquid out of the carpet.
“You didn't have to clean that up,” I told him as I gathered the wet towels and tossed them into the hallway. After this was over, I’d get everything together and head down to the laundry room.
“No worries,” he assured me as he placed a hand between my shoulder blades. “Everything good now? You feeling okay?”
“Better,” I responded. Once we finished cleaning up, Matt grabbed me a replacement beer. I didn't open it right away. After talking to Chase, I thought I might be able to get through this without trying to drink myself stupid.
I pulled over one of the dining room chairs, flipping it around before taking a seat, and resting my arms on the back of the chair. Chase smiled at me and Brandon gave me a nod. No matter what happened, both of them were here for me.
“Sorry about that,” I apologized. “This isn't easy for me, but it's time I come clean with you guys. And before I say anything, I want all of you to know I don't expect anything in return. But I haven't been honest with you and, as you can probably tell, I’m still nervous about how you're going to react.”
“If you got some chick knocked up, you're not bringing her to stay with us.” Leave it to Jayden to assume that while he thought I'd been out fucking everything with a heartbeat, I’d been irresponsible on top of it. Before I could think of a sarcastic response, Chase elbowed him in the gut. “What? We all know that if any of us was to find ourselves in that position, it's going to be him.
Matt scoffed. “Yeah. But that probably has more to do with the fact that most of us are gold star gays. How about you let him talk? Whatever it is got him worked up enough to go hurl, so it’s probably pretty fucking serious.”
Brandon smiled at his boyfriend, patting his thigh.
I mouthed thank you before closing my eyes to take a few deep breaths. Here we go.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Soul-searching, I guess some would call it. And I don't want to keep hating myself. That's what all this has really been about.” I opened my eyes and stared directly at Jayden. If anyone was going to turn into an asshole about this, it was clear now it was going to be him.
“I’m not like the rest of you. Sure, you, Brandon, Matt, and I bonded over all being raised by single parents, but the past year has shown me we’re still very different people.” Fuck, it sucked to say all this out loud. Until now, I’d been careful what I shared about my dad because I didn’t want anyone to pity me. I knew he was a dick, but I honestly believed he’d been trying to make the best of a bad situation most of the time. “Jayden, you have, by far, one of the coolest moms anybody could hope to have. If you asked her to, there's no doubt she would be standing right beside you at every Pride parade you attended. I didn't have that. I never will.”
Yeah, it was time to crack open that beer. I leaned back to grab it, nearly toppling over when the chair kicked back on two legs. Fuck, it hurt saying this shit out loud. But once I was done, it would be out there, and they’d understand a bit of what I’d kept hidden from them.
“All I heard when I was growing up was what my dad thought a real man should be. Whenever we were out and we'd see a guy who was even the least bit feminine, I had to listen to every disgusting thing my dad said about them.” There was no gray area when it came to him. You were either super-masculine or you were a fucking freak. He’d never make it in a bigger city. He’d probably think anyone who cared about their appearance was gay. “So, what was I supposed to think when I realized, no matter how hard I tried, I never be the real man he wanted me to be?”
“Fuck that,” Jayden spat. “If he wants to be that much of dick, you don't need him in your life.”
That was easy for him to say. I wondered how he’d feel if he’d grown up like I had. Not only did he have Gen, who would forever hold the mother-of-the-year spot in my mind, but his uncle was like a fairy gayfather, teaching him the ways of being with another man. I had none of that shit in my life.
“You don't get it. We’re all each other has. That's why I put up with it as long as I did,” I explained. With my mom gone, I knew he’d been forced into a life he never envisioned. And for a long time, I thought being the hetero son, who’d eventually find a nice girl to settle down with, would make him resent me less. “But then, I started to hate myself more than I thought possi
ble.”
I turned my attention to Chase because he was my most frequent target. He was the one who needed to hear these words. “When the two of you started dating, I wished it would be possible to have that in my own life. And, instead of growing set of balls and coming out, I lashed out, determined to be that real man my dad would be proud of. But he's wrong if he somehow thinks being gay or bi, or whatever other than straight, makes you less than. You showed me that. You’re one of the best people I know, and I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I can't keep living to make him happy when I feel like I'm dying inside.”
Brandon pushed off the couch and came to my side. He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “We’re proud of you, Zach. No matter what happens with your old man, you'll always have us.”
I nodded, too choked up to say anything. They all gave me time, no one trying to rush me. “I'm still a work in progress, I suppose you could say. There's probably still going to be a lot of times when I say or do stupid shit. Just, bear with me. I’ll understand if you can't forgive me but, I guess, I hope you will eventually.”
Matt joined his boyfriend, also placing his hand on my shoulder. “That's rough. But you don't ever have to worry. We've got you, brother.”
I felt another hand on my opposite shoulder. “I might not have been with you guys since the beginning, but that goes for me too,” Chase promised.
I hoped like hell he wouldn't change his mind once he knew how I’d managed to come as far as I had. I didn't want to give up Colin, but I also didn't want to risk the tenuous friendship I felt blossoming between me and Chase.
I glanced up at Jayden, who was still sitting on the couch. He scrubbed his chin, watching me. That was fine. I didn't expect any of the guys to be this chill about my announcement, it made sense that he might not be ready to forgive and forget. He rose slowly, bypassing us on his way to the kitchen.
Rather than stand behind me with the rest of our roommates, he crouched directly in front of me. “If you're screwing around with Daniel, you better not fuck him over. He's been half in love with you since at least last spring.”