by Lee Goldberg
That got her $50,000 and a red Corvette convertible. And it got her noticed in Hollywood. First by sleazy porn producers, whom she ignored, and then by television casting agents looking for something pretty to sizzle up the hundredth episode of their tired detective shows. It wasn’t much, but her brief bounces across the screen got her into the Screen Actors Guild, and gave her enough money when her Playboy prize ran thin to keep her nice little Venice house, maintain her gas-guzzling Corvette, and enroll in all the major acting courses.
She eventually graduated from TV bit player to a guest shot as a bikini-clad Baywatch lifeguard killed by a ferociously horny jellyfish. And that led to her first direct-to-video thriller, Torrid Embrace, and that led to another, and another, and now, if she wasn’t careful, she was on her way to being the next Shannon Tweed or, worse, Tanya Roberts.
It’s a living, she told herself. And she was the star. But deep down she knew that if it were at all possible, she would get second billing behind her breasts. All she wanted to be was a serious actress. And all anybody else seemed to want from her was a stiff pair of nipples.
The director, in desperation, had already dropped the temperature in the soundstage to near freezing, but complaints from the crew and the foggy breath of the actors made him reluctantly give up on that approach.
Satisfied that his writhing and wincing were Oscar caliber, Thad Paul tore himself away from his celluloid orgasm and looked up from the monitor. “Are you ready yet?”
Sabrina glared at him, a man she detested, a man who would soon be nuzzling her cleavage like a baby and getting paid for it. Is doing porno any different? The writing is much better, she told herself, and she’s working with real actors.
She glanced at Thad again. Okay, the writing is better.
The special effects man studied her breasts. “The soldiers are still at ease.”
“We need ’em hard enough to cut diamonds,” the director said. “The audience has to know she’s hot and bothered, and spraying her cleavage with sweat isn’t enough.”
She closed her eyes. I’m not doing porno. This is an erotic thriller. Porno is all about the sex. These movies have a plot. There’s murder, there’s passion, there’s angst. Even the big studios are doing movies like this, so it can’t be porn, right? Look at Basic Instinct. Was that porno? Hell no, it was an erotic thriller. Like this. It’s not just about sex. Click your heels together, Dorothy, and repeat after me: It’s not just about sex. It’s not just about sex.
“How about I stick an ice cube in my mouth and caress her boobs with it,” Paul asked the director. “We could even work it into the scene.”
“It’s been done,” the director said. “9½ Weeks.”
“How about a frozen Tater Tot,” Paul suggested. “I’ve never seen that.”
Sabrina opened her eyes and came to a realization. Tater Tots weren’t going to do it. Neither were Eskimo pies, frozen peas, or a couple of waffles. Her nipples were trying to tell her something.
She abruptly got up from the pool table, startling the effects man, and grabbed her shirt, pulling it over her chest.
“It’s a wrap,” she said.
“But we haven’t done the close-up of your heaving breasts,” the director said.
“Steal a shot from Passion Play, no one will know the difference,” she said, heading for the exit and the safety of her trailer.
“You walk out of here, babe, you’ll never work again,” Thad called after her. “You’ll be finished in this biz.”
She should be so lucky. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but it wouldn’t be more of this.
Sabrina Bishop was going to change her life. But she had no way of knowing that if she wasn’t extremely careful, she stood a good chance of losing it.
One Adam-12, a 211 in progress… One Adam-12, a 415 man with a gun… One Adam-12, a 415 fight group with chains and knives.
Twelve years as a cop, and Sergeant Charlie Willis still thought of Officers Reed and Malloy when he saw a black and white. Even when it was his own. That’s what you get growing up in front of a television set.
He could also thank his mother. Married four or five times (the validity of the Tijuana ceremony was still being hotly debated), and each new hubby was a bigger deadbeat than the last. If they weren’t beating on his mother, they were making moves on Zoe, his early-blooming younger sister. So Charlie found himself unwillingly cast in the role of family cop. By the time he was eighteen, he had subdued so many drunken stepfathers, wife beaters, and would-be child molesters, it seemed like a natural career move to actually make it a profession.
Besides, it looked pretty good to him. At least from what he saw on TV. When he wasn’t defending the family from predatory stepfathers, he found solace observing the orderly world of television. Everything made sense, and good was always noticeably different from evil. And the people who seemed to have the most control over this orderly world, who led the happiest lives and had all the answers, were the kind-hearted, clean-cut police officers.
Boy, did TV have it wrong.
Charlie zipped up his fly and stepped out from behind the large bush he was using as a combination speed trap and urinal. The sweltering Santa Ana winds were sweeping through Los Angeles on this sunny afternoon, kicking up lungfuls of hot-baked, free-floating muck. Which made his throat dry and sore. Which made him drink about a quart of cola every hour. Which made him make a pit stop five times a shift.
The clean-cut officers of Adam-12 never parked for hours at a stretch on Coldwater Canyon, keeping the homeowners of the $4-million-plus mansions safe from the evils of loud mufflers, casually flung fast-food wrappers, and the occasional speeding European car. And not once did Reed and Malloy ever have to take a leak, Charlie thought, as he slipped back into his trusty black and white Impala cruiser. Come to think of it, they never sweated, had a runny nose, or stomach cramps—each a particular joy he had experienced during this all-around rotten day. Then again, Reed and Malloy never got laid, either. Reality occasionally had its advantages.
Not that Charlie was notching his bedpost into sawdust. He was obeying a self-imposed oath of celibacy since Connie ended their six years of blissful cohabitation. She cut out his heart, and his libido, when she packed up and ran away with the gardener. If Charlie was a better detective, he would have suspected something when she started taking Spanish courses and waxing poetic on the virtues of Atilano’s green thumb. At least she dumped him right away. Another three months and he would have been stuck untangling himself from a common-law marriage. This way, at least he got to keep his gym set, his collection of John D. MacDonald paperbacks, and all his NFL glasses.
Thank God for small victories.
Charlie was making a mental note to check on Atilano’s immigration status when he heard a screech of tires, followed by the sight of a white Rolls-Royce convertible whipsawing around the turn and charging past him.
He flicked on the lights and siren and pulled out, shredding an ice plant in a spray of gravel. His car skidded onto the street right behind the Rolls. If the driver noticed, he didn’t give a damn. The Rolls sped downhill, closing in tight on a Range Rover and, just shy of ramming it, swerved into oncoming traffic, forcing a cellular-toting boytoy in a Jeep to make a sudden right, jumping the curb onto a front lawn and plowing through the Statue of Liberty and Michelangelo’s David.
The Rolls returned to the proper lane, cutting off the Range Rover which skidded to a sudden stop, eating about a thousand bucks worth of brake-pad. Charlie swerved to the right, deftly avoiding a rear-end collision with the Rover, choosing instead to mow over a perfectly manicured juniper and a mailbox with a wood-shake roof.
He bounced back onto the road behind the Rolls as it barrelled toward the intersection, making a right-hand turn, south toward Wilshire. Charlie surged into the opposite lane, overtaking the Rolls and cutting it off as it rounded the corner.
He took a deep breath and glanced into his rear-view mirror to catch his first gli
mpse of his adversary. She was in her sixties, her face tight with plastic surgery and anger, a string of pearls around her neck the size of gumballs. Not exactly what he had expected. If he factored in senility, old age, respect for elders, maybe he could cut grandma some slack. That’s when she leaned on her horn.
“This is a street,” she yelled, sticking her head out of the window, “not a doughnut shop parking lot.”
So much for Officer Friendly. Charlie got out of his car and strode to the driver’s side of the Rolls. “Let’s see your license and registration.”
“I don’t have time for this nonsense,” she said. “We just wrapped an hour ago and Neiman Marcus closes in fifteen minutes.”
Charlie sighed. Without knowing a thing about her, he knew everything. For one, she obviously lived in the Beverly Hills zip code, which meant she was not of this earth.
“License and registration, now.” Reed and Malloy would have added a “ma’am,” but Charlie figured he was doing her a favor by not dragging her out of the car, slapping her into consciousness and, perhaps, returning her to our world.
She reached into her purse and thrust her license out at him. He took it from her and glanced at it. Her name was Esther Radcliffe, and old Esther had scraped her birth date off with an Exacto knife and replaced it in ball point with a new one that would make her forty-seven.
“Now that you know who I am, move that boat,” she said firmly, “or I’ll have your badge on my charm bracelet.”
Enough of this shit. Charlie opened the door and motioned to the street. “Step out of the car.”
She glared at him, her eyes flashing with fury. “Perhaps you don’t understand the severity of the situation. The Neiman Marcus once-a-year sale ends at five P.M. If I don’t leave now, I will miss it. Do you get it now? Is any of this sinking in?”
Oh yeah, Broom Hilda, it sure is.
“You can get out yourself, or I can remove you,” Charlie said. “Your call.”
“No one talks to me like that,” she seethed, turning her back to him as she reached for her purse on the passenger seat.
‘‘Then you’ll get a real thrill when I read you your rights,” said Charlie, who was preparing to do just that when she turned around, aimed a .38 Special squarely at his stomach, and fired.
Charlie felt as if he’d been impaled by a ballistic missile and carried into the stratosphere. His last thought, in that split second before blackness completely overtook him, was that there had to be a better way to make a living.
Esther Radcliffe tossed the gun on the passenger seat, drove around the police car, and managed to make it to Neiman Marcus before they closed the doors. The only thing on her mind when she left the store forty minutes later with her $11,000 in purchases was whether to tip the two salesmen helping her to the car in cash, or to put it on her charge.
The whole incident on Coldwater Canyon didn’t cross her mind again until later that evening, when two plainclothes detectives drove up to her gate with a warrant for her arrest. She didn’t let them in, of course. She made a telephone call instead.
The first thing Charlie Willis saw when he opened his eyes at the UCLA medical center were two men in tailored Armani suits standing at the foot of his bed. One was a William Morris agent. The other was a network executive.
About the Author
Lee Goldberg is a two-time Edgar Award nominee and one-time Shamus Award nominee whose many TV writing and/or producing credits include “Martial Law,” “Diagnosis Murder,” “The Cosby Mysteries,” “Hunter,” “Spenser: For Hire,” “Nero Wolfe,” “Missing,” and “Monk.” He’s also the author of My Gun Has Bullets, Beyond the Beyond, Successful Television Writing, The Walk, and the Diagnosis Murder and Monk series of original mysteries.
Also by Lee Goldberg for the Nook
The Walk
My Gun Has Bullets
Dead Space
Three Ways to Die
Diagnosis Murder #8: The Last Word
The Monk Series
Mr. Monk Goes to the Fire House
Mr. Monk Goes to Hawaii
Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu
Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants
Mr. Monk in Outer Space
Mr. Monk Goes to Germany
Mr. Monk is Miserable
Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop
Mr. Monk in Trouble
Mr. Monk is Cleaned Out
The Jury Series
Judgment
Adjourned
Guilty
Non-fiction
Successful Television Writing
Television Fast Forward
Unsold TV Pilots: The Greatest Shows You Never Saw
Tied In: The Business, History and Craft of Media Tie-in Writing
Copyright © 2005, 2010 by Lee Goldberg
“My Gun Has Bullets” excerpt Copyright © 2009 by Lee Goldberg
This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination, or, if real, used fictitiously. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express written permission of the author or publisher, except where permitted by law.
All Rights Reserved.
Second Electronic Edition: December 2010