But instead he said, “Why do you think you owe her anything, Aidan? You rescued her, brought her home, what more do you think you owe her?”
“The last time she saw me, we were engaged to be married. She’s still in love with me and I think maybe I am with her. I owe her that love, and that life we had planned together, don’t I?” Aidan thought of Samantha, who had been so alluring last night, and remembered the closeness they shared in Iraq.
“Aidan, you could not have foreseen what would happen. You can’t plan for something like that. You lost your memory so you made new ones, with Vicky. But I’m confused; did you take Samantha’s life away from her? Did you tell the enemy to capture her and take her away?”
“Damn it Doc, of course I didn’t.”
“Then what is it, Aidan?”
“I almost made love to her last night. I betrayed everything I held dear.”
“Almost? Why didn’t you go all the way?” To Kline, almost is not a betrayal, it is a testament to the strength of commitment one must have, that caused them to stop. He knew it was because of Vicky, but he needed Aidan to understand that.
“I don’t know, I just didn’t.”
“Perhaps it was because you don’t love her in that way? Or maybe it was because you thought of someone else?”
He was right, Aidan thought, I was thinking of someone else.., Vicky. Aidan’s mind raced through the reasons, how could I have done that to Vicky, doesn’t she mean everything to me? She takes my breath away by just entering the room. She smiles and her nose crinkles, and my heart leaps. She sings, and I’m in heaven listening to an angel. How could I risk all that?
When Aidan didn’t answer right away, Kline continued, “Why must this be on your shoulders, and more importantly, how will Samantha get on with her life if you’re there to rescue her every time she calls. If you love her as you say, then you must let her stand on her own two feet and let her heal. You did your duty for love and country, now what about your duty to yourself. And what about Vicky?”
“What about her?” Aidan looked at him confused.
“Do you still love her? Do you still want to marry her?”
“With all my heart, Doc, but—”
“Then no buts, Aidan. Do it. Stop toying with them, and settle things. Your time is up, take your life back and get on with it.”
Aidan looked at him helplessly. He obviously didn’t understand that it wasn’t that easy. She wasn’t toying with them, she was trying to hang on to both of them, but for different reasons, and the tug-of-war was ripping her apart inside.
But Kline did understand, and could see the torment inside of her; he’d seen it before in so many other cases. “Aidan, you know you can’t have both, and you know you still want to marry Vicky. Now I know it’s not black-and-white, but it is a matter of choice. It’s time to make that choice.”
“Choice? That’s what Vicky’s father said. He said remember one word, choice.”
“I agree with him. It’s the choice you make now that affects the rest of your life, so choose wisely.”
Aidan ran the conversation with Leonard back through her mind, and mixed in the conversation she’d just had with Dr. Kline. It was starting to make sense to her, but if truth be told, she was afraid, and fear was her worse enemy.
But Dr. Kline saw the fear in her eyes and sought to alleviate it, “Aidan, let me leave you with my favorite quote from General Douglas MacArthur, ‘Duty, honor, country: Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying point to build courage when courage seems to fail, to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith, and to create hope when hope becomes lost.’ That’s you, Aidan.” Kline watched as his words soaked into Aidan’s conscious, and he could tell that she comprehended his meaning. “Aidan, you have always lived your life by those three words: duty, honor, country, and there’s no reason that should change now. Be who you ought to be, Aidan, know what you can be, and see, what you will be.”
Aidan’s head was beginning to feel full with so much to consider, “Thanks Doc, you’ve given me a lot to think about, and you’re right. Well about two out of three of those. I can’t see what I will be anymore. That person is gone.”
“Right now, with all you have going on, two out of three is good, it means you’re getting close, Aidan. Close to taking your life back, just be patient for now. When you’re ready you’ll choose.”
Aidan didn’t want to talk about that anymore, because the more Vicky came to mind, the more she worried about her nightmares, “What about Vicky? Will you see her now?”
Dr. Kline laughed and nodded his head. It’s just a matter of time, you’ll get it all straighten out soon, Aidan.
Aidan took out her cell phone and dialed Vicky, “Hey, can you meet me in Dr. Kline’s office now? Great, see you in a bit.” Turning to Kline, Aidan said, “She’s on her way. I sure hope you can help her, she’s really scaring me.”
“Tell me what you know about the dreams.”
“I know she had them as a kid, after my father raped…,” It wasn’t too long ago, that Aidan learned of Vicky’s rape by her father, while they were in a session together with Dr. Kline. It was still too painful for Aidan to say it out loud, “but, uh, I don’t know for how long. And now, when she has one, she is getting harder to wake up. It’s like she’s frozen in place, fighting to get free.”
“Well you’re right; something has triggered them back up to the surface. We just need to find out what and put a stop to it.”
Vicky knocked on the door, and Dr. Kline showed her in. She smiled at him, and then at Aidan, and took a seat beside her.
“So what’s up? Everything okay?” She was asking Aidan, hoping that the world had somehow miraculously changed back to the way it was before they left for Syria, but Aidan didn’t answer, she only smiled at her.
Instead, Dr. Kline addressed Vicky, “Aidan is worried about these dreams you’ve been having, would you like to tell me about them?”
“I’ll give you some privacy, Vick,” Aidan got up to leave, but Vicky grabbed her arm.
“You got me into this, so you sit your butt back down here.”
Vicky was being playful, and Aidan realized how much she had missed that side of her.
“Yes ma’am, roger that,” Aidan sat back down beside her.
“Okay, tell me about your nightmares, Victoria.” Dr. Kline asked, as he prepared his pen and pad to take notes on.
“Well, I’m a little girl again, about thirteen or fourteen I guess. I’m in my bedroom sleeping in my bed, when the ceiling starts peeling away and this giant hand comes toward me.”
“Do you see anything else?”
“Yes, eyes peeking over the wall. Like a giant man is holding up the ceiling with one hand, and coming after me with the other. All I see are his eyes, beady and close together, and angry. They are so angry…,” Vicky shivered at the memory.
“Do you ever see his face, who he is?’
“No, I usually wake up screaming by then.”
“And these started when you were how old?”
“The same age as in my dream, thirteen. I remember having them every night one summer, and then they just went away. And now, it’s not that I’m saying Aidan is exaggerating or anything, but I’ve only had two nightmares. And Aidan, if you noticed, I didn’t have one last night when you slept over.” Vicky noticed Kline was curious so she explained, “Aidan had fallen asleep in my father’s room last night and I slept beside her.”
Kline made some notes, already forming a plan of action in his mind, “Was she with you on the other two occasions?”
Vicky thought for a minute, but Aidan answered for her, “No, the first time was yesterday afternoon and she was alone, and then last night she was in her father’s room on one of those chair thingies.”
“That’s what I thought. Victoria, when you slept beside Aidan, you felt protected and safe didn’t you?”
Looking at Aidan, Vicky smiled and said, “I always do, Richard.”
“So Aidan, you can relax, you’re not causing these nightmares.”
Surprised, Vicky looked at Aidan, “You thought it was your fault? Why would you think that, Aidan?”
“Because I’ve been such a jerk about things lately.”
Vicky grinned and replied, “Yes, you have, but that’s okay, I love you just the same.”
Now it was Aidan’s turn to be surprised, “You really do, don’t you?”
“Yes, sweetheart, I always have.”
Aidan’s first instinct was to take Vicky in her arms and kiss her, but Kline interrupted those thoughts.
“Victoria, I’m sure it’s probably just Aidan’s father that you’re seeing in those dreams, but the fact that they have started back up concerns me. I’d like to find out what’s causing them now. If you’re willing, I’d like to hypnotize you. I think I can help you get through the nightmare, so we can see what’s on the other side.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Richard, I mean, I don’t want to cluck like a chicken or anything, like they do on the stage and um....,”
“I promise, no clucking, I’m a professional. Victoria, in your job, you have to be in control every minute of every day, and it’s very hard for a business woman like you to let go of that control, but I promise, you will be perfectly safe and I will be very discreet. And if it would make you feel better, Aidan can stay to protect your honor.” Dr. Kline smiled as Vicky looked over at Aidan.
Aidan agreed with Kline, it will be hard for Vicky to give up control, but Aidan also felt certain that something was terribly wrong. She took Vicky’s hand and said, “I know you’re the President and CEO here, Vicky, and that’s very important to you, but your health is also important. At least it’s very important to me. I’ll be right here, baby. I’ll protect you.”
Vicky smiled at her, the kind of loving smile that always dissolves Aidan’s heart. She knew if Aidan thought she should do this, then she probably should, but still, she had misgivings. Not about her position as CEO. No, she feared she might say something about how depressed and afraid of losing Aidan, she had become. That would not be fair to Aidan, and she wanted her to make her choice because of love, not because of guilt.
Kline seemed to know what she was thinking, because he assured her the session would only be about her nightmare, nothing else. He would stop her if she drifted off the subject.
“I guess it’s okay then, what do I need to do?”
Kline walked over and turned off the lights, then he flipped on what Aidan thought looked like a disco ball, twinkling in the dark. Lastly he locked the office door, and then returned to Vicky, “Just sit back and relax, and take a deep breath, Victoria.”
Kline motioned for Aidan to move behind the lights where Vicky couldn’t see her, which did not please Vicky very much. Then he began in a slow, monotone voice, even and steady, “Now Victoria, I want you to concentrate on the twinkling lights, nothing else but the lights. See the sparkling one in the middle. Look at it. It looks like a diamond doesn’t it? That’s it, good, just keep looking at it. It’s so beautiful and shiny. It’s inviting you in Vicky, see it winking at you. Fast at first but now it’s slowing down isn’t it? Everything is slowing down. Everything is going to sleep, Vicky. You want to look at it but your eyelids are growing so heavy, so very heavy. Your eyelids are so heavy, Vicky. See the sparkling diamond? It’s making you sleepy. So tired, too tired to see it. Your eyelids are too heavy to hold open anymore. So tired. You want to sleep Vicky, you’re so tired, your body feels so heavy.”
Aidan watched as Vicky fought to keep her eyes open. Don’t fight it, baby.
Dr. Kline continued in a soothing slow voice, “You’re so tired Vicky, so heavy. You’re eyelids are so heavy you can’t keep them open, don’t try, your eyelids are so tired.”
“So tired,” Vicky mumbled
“That’s right, you’re very tired, Vicky. Your eyelids are very heavy, let them sleep. Your head is very heavy, too heavy to hold up anymore. You’re very sleepy, Vicky.”
“So sleepy…” she mumbled
“That’s right, Vicky, now your arms are getting so heavy. Too heavy to lift. They’re too tired to lift up, so heavy. Sleep, Vicky, sleep.”
Vicky’s head bobbed as her eyelids drooped.
“You’re doing very well, Vicky. Let it pull you down, your legs are so heavy, so very heavy. Too heavy to lift. Your body is so tired, Vicky, so heavy and so tired, let it pull you down, down into sleep. You want to sleep Vicky, and when I touch your forehead you will be fast asleep.”
Dr. Kline reached over, and with one finger touched Vicky on her forehead and she slumped back in the chair, her eyes shut, her head drooping.
“Vicky, you are in a deep sleep, but you can hear my voice and you can respond to me. Can you hear me Vicky?”
“Yes,” Vicky muttered.
“Try to lift your right arm Vicky.” Vicky tried, but her arm wouldn’t move, “That’s good, very good. Your arm is too heavy to lift, Vicky, to heavy. But when I touch your arm you’ll be able to lift it,” Kline touched her arm then said, “Lift your arm, Vicky,” Vicky lifted it up and held it there, “That’s very good Vicky. You can put your arm down when I touch it again,” he touched her arm and it fell to the chair like so much dead weight. Kline lifted her wrist and saw that it was limp in his hands. He felt her pulse to assure that everything was as it should be. He placed her hand back on her lap and continued, “Vicky, you are in a safe place, nothing can hurt you. Aidan won’t let anything hurt you. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I love her so much, except…,” Aidan leaned in, worried at what she might say, “it’s been over a month since we’ve made love, and—”
Aidan blushed, but was also relieved, and Dr. Kline grinned.
He continued, “Okay Vicky, enough about that. I want you to open the door behind that sparkling diamond. Will you do that for me please. In your mind, walk over to the door and open it.”
Vicky imagined she was walking to the door, and then she opened it, “It’s opened,” she said flatly.
“Very good, Vicky. Now when you step through the door, you’ll be in your bedroom as a little girl. Go into your bedroom now.”
Vicky saw herself walking into her bedroom, and was instantly taken back to her childhood, “I see my dolly’s.” she said in an excited child’s voice. “I want to play with my dolls.”
Aidan was struck by how much Vicky looked like she did when they were kids. The dimples in her smile seemed more pronounced, and her nose crinkled when she smiled, something so enduring to Aidan. God, I wish I could bring all that back to you, kid.
“That’s very good Vicky, but it’s time to go to sleep now. Lie down on your bed and go to sleep.”
“Can I take my dolly with me?”
Oh God, she’s so defenseless, Aidan didn’t realize that she would find herself losing control of her own emotions, as she visualized what Vicky was seeing and doing.
“It’s okay, you can take you doll with you, Vicky, but your thirteen years old now, you’re a teenager.”
“Oh, it’s my birthday. Today I’m thirteen. I don’t want to sleep, Aidan is waiting for me. I think she’s going to ask me to marry her!” Aidan smiled, remembering how much Vicky wanted to marry her, even back then.
“It’s okay Vicky, lie down and go to sleep, you’re so tired, you must lie down.
Vicky mumbled “Where’s Aidan?” as her head drooped again.
“Good girl, that’s it, sleep,” Kline touched her forehead and Vicky rolled her head to the side.
Aidan whispered, “I thought she was already asleep?”
“She is, but I have to recreate the dream sequence, so the nightmare will manifest its self.” Turning back to Vicky, he continued, “Vicky, are you asleep? Lift your arm if you’re asleep,” Kline touched her arm and she lifted it, then he touched it again, and she dropped it.
“Very
good, Vicky. Remember you’re perfectly safe, nothing will harm you. Open your eyes and look up at the ceiling Vicky, the ceiling in the corner.”
Vicky opened her eyes, then sat up and looked past Aidan, toward the ceiling, her vacant eyes sending a chill through Aidan’s soul. Suddenly Vicky recoiled and in the same childlike voice cried, “The ceiling is coming off!”
“It’s all right, you’re safe, Vicky. Tell me what you see next.”
“I see eyes. Angry eyes are staring at me. And a hand, a giant hand!” Vicky tried to push herself back, and then crossed her arms in front of her face to protect herself.
“It’s okay Vicky, that hand can’t hurt you. Let it come in, you’re safe.”
But Vicky screamed, “Aidan, help me!!” Aidan immediately stood up to go to her, but Kline intercepted her, “You’re safe, Vicky, perfectly safe,” then he turned and whispered to Aidan, “You have to let her see this through.”
“I won’t sit by and let him rape her again!” Aidan could barely contain her rage.
“I won’t either Aidan, I won’t let it go that far. You have to trust me.”
Aidan looked at Vicky, sitting there so helpless, then she looked at Kline, and nodded her head.
Kline returned his attention to Vicky, “It’s okay, you’re safe, the hand won’t hurt you. I need you to see around the hand, Vicky. Look at the man’s face.”
“No, don’t touch me, I want my daddy!” Vicky began to struggle in her trance, and Aidan clinched her fists, tears streaming down her face.
“You’re safe Vicky. Now look at the man’s face and tell me who it is.”
“It’s… it’s Mr. Cassidy. NO! Get away from me! Aidan help! I can’t move!” Aidan drove her fingernails into the palm of her hand, fighting back the urge to hit something.
“Shh, hear my voice Vicky, you’re not a little girl anymore, you’re a grown woman and you are not afraid,” Vicky began to calm down, and Kline added, “He’s dead now. He can’t hurt you anymore, do you understand?”
“But he’s not dead, I saw him yesterday,” Vicky said in a monotone voice.
“What the hell?” Aidan jumped up and moved beside Vicky. She rubbed the tears from her face, and looked from Vicky to Kline, but he motioned for her to be still, as he continued.
Remember, You Love Me: Little Girl Lost Page 6