ANDY: You’re going to plant me? In the ground? And grow me?
DUNCAN: No, I’m using a poetic figure of speech to say that thou art like a seed that I’m going to look after so that thou groweth into a great big tree.
ANDY: A tree? I’m going to be a tree?
DUNCAN: Oh forsooth! Never mind …
[Danny enters.]
LISA: Danny!
DANNY: Lisa!
DUNCAN: Noble Banquo! That has no less deserved, nor must be known no less to have done so, let me enfold thee and hold thee to my heart.
[Duncan hugs Danny. King Duncan is quite emotional. He wipes at his eyes and sniffles.]
DANNY: Are you okay? Did you get something in your eye?
DUNCAN: No, it’s just that my plenteous joys, wanton in fullness, seek to hide themselves in drops of sorrow.
ANDY: Huh?
LENNOX: He’s crying with happiness! What’s the matter with you today? Can’t you understand plain English?
DUNCAN: [blows trumpet] Sons, kinsmen, thanes, and you whose places are the nearest, I have an announcement.
ANDY: [aside] An announcement! Just as I suspected! He’s going to announce that I’ll be King when he dies. We don’t have to kill anyone!
DUNCAN: Know that when I die that we will establish our estate on—
ANDY: Me? Oh thank you, King. Thank you!
DUNCAN: No, not you, Macbeth! Our eldest son, Malcolm, whom we name hereafter the Prince of Cumberland.
[Malcolm enters with dramatic flourish and blows his own slightly higher-pitched trumpet.]
Come now, let us all rest before karaoke tonight!
ANDY: Your wish is our command.
DUNCAN: My worthy Cawdor!
[Duncan and Malcolm exit, blowing their trumpets. Lennox and Lisa follow them. Danny freezes.]
ANDY: The Prince of Cumberland: that is a step on which I must fall down, or else o’leap, for in my way it lies. Stars, hide your fires: let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be which the eye fears when it is done to see!
[Danny unfreezes.]
DANNY: Are you going to murder King Duncan?
ANDY: Shut up, you idiot! If King Duncan hears you talking like that he’ll have us both put to death just like the Thane of Cawdor! Besides, I never said I was going to kill him.
DANNY: But you talked about it in your soliloquy!
ANDY: My soliloquies are private! Anyway, I was talking about killing Malcolm not the King—haven’t you been paying attention? It was in a previous scene with Lisa that I talked about killing the King … oops!
DANNY: Aha! So you are planning to murder the King! I knew it!
ANDY: Banquo, I can assure you, I’m not planning to murder King Duncan.
DANNY: I heard you say it!
ANDY: All right, all right … I admit that I may have thought about it—but only for a moment—and then I put it out of my mind. The only person I am planning to murder is you, Banquo, if you don’t shut up and get out of here right this instant!
DANNY: You can’t make me. You’re not the boss … not yet anyway … not until you kill King Duncan!
ANDY: Right, that does it! Leave me alone … or else! [mimes squirrel grip]
DANNY: Yikes!
[Danny runs away. Lisa enters and quietly watches Andy as he talks to himself.]
ANDY: To murder King Duncan or not to murder King Duncan … that is the question. One thing’s for sure: if it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done quickly: but how can it even be done at all? He’s here in double trust: First, as I am his kinsman and his subject, strong both against the deed: then, as his host, who should against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself. Besides, King Duncan seems like a pretty good bloke! I haven’t got one good reason to murder him.
[Duncan’s terrible karaoke singing can be heard coming from the next room.]
DUNCAN: OH YEAH, BABY! COME ON, COME ON, BABY! OOOOOOOOOOO! OH YEAH, BABY! COME ON!
ANDY: Okay, so his singing sucks. But is that a good enough reason to kill a king?
LISA: O how he dithers! [imitating Andy] To murder or not to murder … Oh me, oh my … I want to be the King, but I can’t kill Duncan because he’s a guest in my house and he’s such a good bloke … I mean, honestly!
[Lisa walks up behind Andy and taps him on the shoulder.]
ANDY: Aaagghh!
LISA: Calm down! I just came to tell you that King Duncan has almost finished his solo and wants to do a duet with you.
ANDY: Oh no!
LISA: I’m afraid so.
ANDY: We will proceed no further in this business.
LISA: You have to! You can’t refuse to sing a duet with the King!
ANDY: I’m not talking about that business. I’m talking about the other business.
We don’t have to do this. We have a nice castle. We have a nice life.
DUNCAN: [tuneless singing] OH YEAH, BABY! COME ON, COME ON, BABY! OOOO …
ANDY: And the King will stop singing … eventually. What more could we possibly want?
LISA: To be King and Queen! That’s what!
ANDY: And how would that make us any happier than we already are?
LISA: Danny was right. You are a chicken. Bukkaw!
ANDY: I’m not a chicken! Who was it that went down a really steep hill in a pram … without even wearing a crash helmet?
LISA: You, but only because Danny pushed you—and you screamed all the way down!
ANDY: Yeah, so what? I did it. And who was it that risked his life floating across the town with only a bunch of helium balloons between the ground and certain death?
LISA: You again, but only because Danny accidentally let go of the rope. You never do anything by yourself.
ANDY: Oh yeah? Who was it that extinguished a burning shopping centre all by himself?
LISA: Andy, that didn’t really happen. It was a dream, remember? You wet the bed …
ANDY: Yeah, I was great, wasn’t I?
LISA: You think bed-wetting is great?
ANDY: [realising what he just said] Oh … I … ah … yeah? … No, definitely not. But I don’t know … killing a king … it seems so wrong.
LISA: But it would make me so happy … Don’t you want to make me happy? Because that’s what you’re supposed to do now that we’re married.
ANDY: Yeah, I know, but …
LISA: And I do so want to be Queen. Don’t you think I’d make a lovely queen?
ANDY: Yes, of course, but …
LISA: And you would make an excellent king!
ANDY: I would?
LISA: You would.
ANDY: I would!
LISA: So it’s settled? You’ll do it tonight?
ANDY: I will?
LISA: You will.
ANDY: I will.
LISA: Good. I’m glad we got that settled.
ANDY: But what if we fail?
LISA: We fail? We? Fail? I’ve never failed anything in my life and I don’t intend to start now. Screw your courage to the sticking place and we’ll not fail! You’re the one who rode a pram down a steep hill, flew across the town with only a few balloons between you and the ground, put out a burning shopping centre with only your—
ANDY: Hang on, but you just said—
LISA: Never mind what I said. It’s what you said that’s important. And you said that you were going to kill the King!
ANDY: But how? How do I kill a king?
LISA: You’re the fearless warrior: you figure it out!
ANDY: Squirrel grip?
LISA: No! I was thinking more along the lines of stabbing him. Just to make sure.
ANDY: To stab or not to stab … that is the question!
LISA: No it’s not! That’s not the question at all. It’s not even the right play! There’s only one question here. Do you want to be King or don’t you?
ANDY: That’s two questions.
LISA: Andy!
ANDY: Ye
s, okay. I do. I do want to be King.
LISA: Are you sure?
ANDY: I am settled, and bend up each corporal agent to this terrible feat. Away, and mock the time with fairest show: false face must hide what the false heart doth know.
LISA: So you’ll do it?
ANDY: I just said so didn’t I?
LISA: I thought so. I just wasn’t sure.
4
He doth
protest
too much
Macbeth’s castle at night. Banquo and Fleance are eating from bags of Wizz Fizz and marshmallows.
DANNY: How goes the night, son?
FLEANCE: There’s been some very strange noises, Dad.
DANNY: Yeah, sorry about that. I think it was the haggis we had for dinner.
FLEANCE: I’m tired. It must be past midnight.
DANNY: Yes, but I can’t sleep. I ate too much Wizz Fizz after the haggis.
[Andy enters.]
Hark I hear a knock-knock. Who’s there?
ANDY: Me
DANNY: Me who?
ANDY: Me! Macbeth!
DANNY: Me-Macbeth-who?
ANDY: It’s not a knock-knock joke: it’s me, Macbeth!
DANNY: What are you doing up? Are you on your way to kill the King?
ANDY: No, whatever gives you that idea?
DANNY: Oh, nothing.
ANDY: Well I’m not.
DANNY: I didn’t say you were!
ANDY: Yes, you did.
DANNY: No I didn’t. I just asked you a question, that’s all.
ANDY: Funny question to ask if you didn’t think I was on my way to kill the King.
DANNY: [aside] Methinks he doth protest too much!
ANDY: I heard that! And that line comes from a completely different play.
DANNY: Beware the ides of March!
ANDY: So does that one … and it doesn’t even make sense!
DANNY: Just trying to make conversation.
ANDY: Well, don’t! You obviously haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about, you dull-witted jolt-head.
DANNY: All right, Andy, calm down. And watch your language. I’ve got my son with me. Don’t get too worked up. You’ve got a king to kill, remember?
ANDY: For the last time, I’m not going to kill the King!
DANNY: All right, have it your way. If you’re not on your way to kill the King, then what are you doing up so late?
ANDY: It’s private.
DANNY: [to Fleance] He probably wet the bed.
[Fleance giggles.]
ANDY: What???
DANNY: Nothing. The King was in a very good mood tonight, and sent forth great largess to your offices.
ANDY: Sent forth what?
DANNY: Great largess!
ANDY: To where?
DANNY: To your offices!
ANDY: What does that mean?
DANNY: Beats me.
FLEANCE: It means a bag of marshmallows for your servants. And a super-giant bag of Wizz Fizz for your wife!
[Fleance gives Andy what is left of the Wizz Fizz and marshmallows.]
DANNY: Good boy, Fleance. [to Andy]
He’s a great kid. And he’ll be a great king one day. Remember what the witches said? My sons will be kings. They were right about you becoming Thane of Cawdor, so hopefully they’ll be right about that too.
ANDY: I haven’t had time to think much about them, to tell you the truth.
[He looks at the bag.]
Wow! [aside] If the King can afford to give away marshmallows and super-giant bags of Wizz Fizz, just think how much he must have for himself! I am more resolved to my dark purpose than ever!
DANNY: [aside to Andy] This is all pretty weird, isn’t it? We haven’t really had a chance to talk. Let’s do it soon.
ANDY: Yes, I’d like that. But right at the moment I’ve got a king to kill.
DANNY: Really?
ANDY: Yes, really.
DANNY: Be serious.
ANDY: I am being serious.
DANNY: Are you? Truly?
ANDY: Yeah, right, Danny! As if! If I was really on my way to murder the King, do you think that I would tell you that I was on my way to murder the King?
DANNY: No, I suppose not. Unless, of course, you were telling me the truth in order to make me think that you weren’t telling me the truth.
ANDY: I’m not that smart.
DANNY: Me neither. Just don’t do anything stupid.
ANDY: Too late for that. [laughs] Well, can’t stand around all night chatting. I’ve got to go and kill the King. Goodnight!
[Andy exits.]
DANNY: Ha ha, goodnight, Andy! Good old Andy. Always joking around. And such a nice guy. As if he would kill the King! He wouldn’t even harm a flea.
FLEANCE: Who’s Andy?
[Danny farts.]
DANNY: I beg your pardon.
FLEANCE: Oh, Dad! You stink!
DANNY: ’Twas not me … ’twas the haggis!
5
Is this
a dagger?
Macbeth’s castle. Andy enters, wearing a balaclava. He throws the bags of Wizz Fizz and marshmallows to the floor.
ANDY: Fie! A mere trifle. The King sits on a whole mountain, throws me a crumb and expects me to be grateful. Well not anymore. No more Mr Nice Guy!
[He sees a dagger floating in the air in front of him.]
What’s this?
Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee:
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible to feeling as to sight? Or art thou but a dagger of the mind, a false creation, proceeding from the Wizz-Fizz’d brain? I see thee yet, in form as palpable as this which now I draw.
[He draws his dagger from its scabbard.]
Thou marshall’st me the way that I was going, and such an instrument I was to use. Mine eyes are made the fools o’ th’other senses, or else worth all the rest. I’ve got to get a grip!
[Andy rubs his eyes. The dagger disappears.]
I’m not only seeing things, but I’m speaking Shakespearean!
[The dagger reappears, with blood on it.]
I see thee still, and on thy blade and dudgeon gouts of blood, which was not so before. There’s no such thing:
[Andy tries to touch it but his hand goes right through it.]
it is the bloody business which informs thus to mine eyes. Thou sure and firm-set Earth, hear not my steps which way they walk, for fear the very stones prate of my whereabout, and take the present horror from the time which now suits with it. Whiles I threat, he lives; words to the heat of deeds too cold breath gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the bell invites me. Hear it not, Duncan, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven, or to hell.
6
Horror, horror,
horror!
7
Macbeth does
murder sleep
The courtyard of Macbeth’s castle. Lisa enters, paces and listens. A scream is heard. Andy enters carrying a bloodstained dagger. He is very upset.
ANDY: I have done the deed, but now I wish I hadn’t done it.
LISA: Well, you’ve done it now! And what’s done cannot be undone, so there’s no point wishing that you hadn’t done it.
ANDY: I well know that I can’t undone a done. I just wish that the done had remained an undone instead of becoming a done that I had to wish undone.
LISA: These deeds must not be thought of in this way: to do so it will make us mad.
ANDY: Too late for that! Methought I heard a voice cry ‘Sleep no more, Macbeth does murder sleep.’
LISA: That’s enough. Shhh.
ANDY: ‘The innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care, the death of each day’s life.’
LISA: I said that’s enough!
ANDY: ‘Sore labour’s bath, balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course, chief nourisher in life’s feast.�
�
LISA: Andy, get a grip!
ANDY: Still the voice cried ‘Sleep no more’ to all the house: ‘Glamis hath murdered sleep, and therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more, Macbeth shall sleep no more.’
Just Macbeth Page 4