Just Macbeth

by Andy Griffiths

  LISA: Dreams? Have you been having bad dreams again?

  ANDY: Yes. Terrible dreams.

  LISA: The one about not being able to find a toilet in the shopping centre?

  ANDY: Worse.

  LISA: The one where you’re in the bath and two brown blobs chase you around and around and around?

  ANDY: Worse still besides! The one where I hire two bloodthirsty murderers to kill my best friend and his greedy son while they are out riding in the woods.

  LISA: Ugh! That’s horrible!

  ANDY: It is concluded. Banquo, thy soul’s flight, if it find heaven, must find it out tonight.

  LISA: What are you going to do?

  ANDY: Be innocent of the knowledge, dearest chuck, till thou applaud the deed. Come, seeling night, scarf up the tender eye of pitiful day, and with thy bloody and invisible hand cancel and tear to pieces that great bond which keeps me pale. Light thickens, and the crow makes wing to the rooky wood: good things of day begin to droop and drowse, whiles night’s black agents to their prey do rouse.

  Thou marvell’st at my words: but hold thee still. Things bad begun make strong themselves by ill.

  LISA: Stop talking like that, Andy. You’re scaring me.

  ANDY: Andy? Who’s Andy?

  LISA: [aside] Uh-oh.

  12

  Fly, Fleance,

  Fly!

  Danny and Fleance are riding in the woods.

  [Two murderers ride up to them.]

  [The first murderer strikes Danny]

  13

  Hence, horrible

  shadow!

  Andy and Lisa are hosting a banquet in the castle.

  ANDY: Welcome to my first inaugural banquet.

  ALL: Thanks to Your Majesty.

  [Someone throws a marshmallow.]

  ANDY: Now you all know the rules. Food first, food fight later.

  ALL: Ohhhh … but—

  ANDY: No arguments. I’m the King!

  [The first murderer enters and attracts the King’s attention.]

  Excuse me.

  [Andy crosses the room to speak to the murderer.]

  There’s blood upon thy face!

  FIRST MURDERER: ’Tis Banquo’s then.

  ANDY: Better out than in. Is he dispatched?

  FIRST MURDERER: My lord, his throat is cut: that I did for him.

  ANDY: Thou art the best o’ the cut-throats. And Fleance?

  FIRST MURDERER: Most royal sir—Fleance is escaped.

  ANDY: [to himself] Drat that meddling kid! If not for him we’d now be safe. Everything would be perfect, but now I am cabined, cribbed, confined, bound in to saucy doubts and fears. [to murderer] But Banquo’s safe?

  FIRST MURDERER: Aye, my good lord: safe in a ditch he bides, with twenty trenched gashes on his head, the least a death to nature.

  ANDY: Thanks for that anyway. There the grown serpent lies: the worm that’s fled hath nature in time will venom breed, but no teeth for the present. Get thee gone: I’ve got a banquet going on here and murderers with blood all over their faces are not invited.

  [Murderer exits.]

  LISA: My royal lord, you do not give the cheer!

  ANDY: Sorry … I was busy. Now good digestion wait on appetite and health on both!

  [Andy raises cup—they all raise their cups in response and drink.]

  If only Banquo were here, we’d have all of Scotland’s most honourable people under the one roof. I do hope he hasn’t had an accident while he was out riding … or been set upon by murderers and had his throat cut and twenty trenched gashes placed in his head … or something unfortunate like that.

  LENNOX: Well, let’s look on the bright side. He might just be running late.

  [Danny’s ghost appears at the table. Only Andy can see it.]

  DANNY: [slow, deep, ghostly voice] Andy! Andy!

  ANDY: [terrified] W-what?

  DANNY: My head hurts.

  ANDY: Go away! You’re dead!

  DANNY: I need a bandaid.

  [Andy takes a box of bandaids from his sporran and throws a bandaid at the ghost.]

  ANDY: There! Now go!

  DANNY: I need another bandaid.

  [Andy throws another one.]

  And another …

  [He throws another one.]

  And another …

  [He throws another one.]

  I need lots of bandaids.

  ANDY: Aaaagh! Take the whole box!

  [Andy throws the whole box. A bandaid hits Rosse, one of the thanes at the banquet.]

  ROSSE: Forsooth! The food fight has started!

  [Rosse starts throwing marshmallows. The other guests return fire.]

  ANDY: Just leave me alone!

  LENNOX: What is it that upsets you, Your Highness?

  ANDY: Which of you has done this?

  ROSSE: What, my good lord?

  ANDY: Thou canst not say I did it! I didn’t cut his throat! I didn’t put twenty trenched gashes in his head! It’s not my fault!

  [The ghost disappears.]

  ROSSE: Gentlemen, rise. His Highness is not well.

  LENNOX: That’s an understatement.

  LISA: Sit, worthy friends. There’s nothing wrong with him: he just watches too many horror movies, that’s all. He got out Axe-wielding Blood-sucking Freaks last week. And that’s rated MA 15+!

  LENNOX: Axe-wielding Blood-sucking Freaks? What is ‘Axe-wielding Bloodsucking Freaks’?

  LISA: You know, that DVD with all the axe-wielding blood-sucking freaks!

  LENNOX: [standing and drawing sword] DVD? What is ‘DVD’?

  LISA: DVD! Digital Versatile Disc.

  LENNOX: [utterly confounded, given that it’s the eleventh century and DVD technology won’t be invented for another nine hundred years] Digital what?

  LISA: Never mind. [to Andy] Get a grip! Pull yourself together!

  ANDY: Aye, if that hideous apparition will pull itself together.

  LISA: What are you talking about? There’s nothing there!

  ANDY: Only that which might appal the devil!

  LISA: Nonsense! You’re just imagining it! This is the very painting of your fear: this is the air-drawn dagger which you said led you to Duncan. O, these flaws and starts—impostors to true fear. Shame on you! Why do you make such faces? When all’s done, you look but on an empty chair!

  ANDY: But there really was a dagger. There was!

  LISA: Oh for goodness’ sake! If you don’t stop acting so weird they are going to suspect something.

  ANDY: Weird? You’re the one who’s acting weird. Going on about DVDs.

  LISA: At least I’m not acting all terrified of an empty chair.

  ANDY: If I stand here, I saw him!

  LISA: You didn’t! There was nothing there!

  ANDY: Was!

  LISA: Wasn’t!

  ANDY: Was!

  LISA: Wasn’t!

  ANDY: Was, was, was, was, infinity times more than whatever you say.

  LENNOX: [to Lady Macbeth] He’s got you there. £§~

  ANDY: The time has been that, when the brains were out, the man would die, and there an end: but now they rise again with twenty mortal murders on their crowns, and start asking you for bandaids!

  [Banquo’s ghost reappears, his head covered in bandaids.]

  LISA: There was nothing—and nobody—there.

  ANDY: Maybe you’re right.

  [He turns and sees Banquo’s ghost.]

  Aaagghhh!

  [Andy runs around the room, chased by the ghost.]

  LISA: My lord, remember your guests.

  DANNY: Andy! Andy!

  ANDY: Go away! I haven’t got any more bandaids! I’m not made of bandaids! Bandaids don’t grow on trees, you know!

  LISA: Uh-oh, here we go again.

  ANDY: [continuing to address the ghost] Avaunt, and quit my sight! Let the earth hide thee! Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold; thou hast no speculation in those eyes which thou dost glare with.

  LISA: [t
o all] Ha ha! What a jester!

  ANDY: This is no joke! What man dare to approach thou? Hence, horrible shadow! Unreal mockery, hence!

  [Banquo’s ghost disappears.]

  LISA: My lord, get a grip. You have displaced the mirth, broke the good meeting with most admired disorder.

  ANDY: [blinking, rubbing eyes] Ah … that’s better. How can you all behold such sights and keep the natural ruby of your cheeks when mine is blanched with fear?

  ROSSE: What sights, my lord?

  LISA: I pray you speak not: he grows worse and worse: question enrages him. At once goodnight. Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once.

  LENNOX: Goodnight, and better health attend His Majesty. And what was the name of that DVD again?

  LISA: Axe-wielding Blood-sucking Freaks.

  LENNOX: Axe-wielding Blood-sucking Freaks. I shall take all measures to shield my eyes from it lest my own reason take flight.

  LISA: Good idea.

  [They all exit except for Andy and Lisa.]

  ANDY: It will have blood, they say: blood will have blood. Stones have been known to move and trees to speak. What is the night?

  LISA: Almost at odds with morning. It’s hard to tell which is which.

  ANDY: How sayst thou, that Macduff didn’t come to our banquet tonight?

  LISA: Did you invite him?

  ANDY: Yes, but I knew he wouldn’t come. He’s plotting against me. I have spies in his castle. I’ll deal with him tomorrow. But first I’m going to go and see the witches. More shall they speak, for now I am bent to know by the worst means, the worst. For mine own good, all causes shall give way. I am in blood stepped in so far, that, even were I to wade no more, returning would be as tedious as going on.

  LISA: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

  ANDY: Shhh! Strange things I have in head, that will to hand; which must be acted ere they may be scanned.

  LISA: You just need a good night’s sleep, that’s all.

  ANDY: Aye. But first I’ll go and see the witches.

  14

  Something

  wicked this

  way comes

  Three witches are brewing up a potion in their cauldron on a heath in a thunderstorm.

  FIRST WITCH: Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.

  SECOND WITCH: Thrice and once the hedgepig whined.

  THIRD WITCH: Harpier cries: ’tis time, ’tis time!

  FIRST WITCH: Round about the cauldron go; in the poisoned entrails throw. Toad, that under cold stone, days and nights has thirty-one sweltered venom sleeping got, boil thou first i’ the charmed pot.

  ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

  SECOND WITCH: Fillet of a fenny snake in the cauldron boil and bake; eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog, adder’s fork and blindworm’s sting, lizard’s leg and howlet’s wing, for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

  ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

  THIRD WITCH: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, witches’ mummy, maw and gulf of the ravined salt-sea shark, root of hemlock digged in the dark, liver of blaspheming boy, gall of goat, and raw bok choy slivered in the moon’s eclipse, nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips, finger of birth-strangled babe ditch-delivered by a drab, make the gruel thick and slab: add thereto a tiger’s chaudron, for th’ ingredients of our cauldron.

  ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

  SECOND WITCH: Cool it with a baboon’s blood, then the charm is firm and good. By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, whoever knocks.

  [Andy approaches the witches.]

  ANDY: How now, you secret, black and midnight hags?

  WITCHES: [offended]Hey!

  FIRST WITCH: Speak for thyself, Stinky!

  [The other witches all cackle loudly.]

  ANDY: Very funny. Now shut up.

  FIRST WITCH: Thou shut up.

  ANDY: No, thou shut up!

  SECOND WITCH: Thou shut up!

  ANDY: No, thou shut up!

  FIRST WITCH: All right. But first say if thou’dst rather hear it from our mouths or from our masters.

  ANDY: Your masters. Call them. Let me see them.

  FIRST WITCH: Pour in sow’s blood, that hath eaten her nine farrow: grease that’s sweaten from the murderer’s gibbet throw into the flame … and most horrid of all … a brussel sprout!

  SECOND WITCH: [horrified] No!

  THIRD WITCH: Not a brussel sprout!

  FIRST WITCH: Yes! A mouldy brussel sprout! Throw it into the pot with all the rest.

  [Second witch throws it in.]

  ANDY: O, horror!

  WITCHES: Come high or low, thyself and office deftly show.

  [Thunder. First apparition appears, a gnome.]

  ANDY: Tell me, thou unknown power—

  FIRST WITCH: He knows thy thought: hear his speech, but say thou nought.

  FIRST APPARITION: Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth!

  ANDY: Yes! Yes! Yes!

  FIRST APPARITION: Beware the gnome, Macduff.

  ANDY: Ha! I thought so! I knew he was plotting against me. I knew it! Can I just ask—

  FIRST APPARITION: Dismiss me. Enough.

  ANDY: But I haven’t finished!

  FIRST APPARITION: That’s all thou are getting, stinky boy.

  ANDY: Thou can talk! [wafting the air with his hand] Try having a bath sometime!

  [First apparition disappears.]

  FIRST WITCH: He will not be commanded. Here’s another, more potent than the first.

  [Thunder. Second apparition appears, a bloody child.]

  SECOND APPARITION: Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth.

  ANDY: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

  SECOND APPARITION: Be bloody, bold and resolute: laugh to scorn the power of man, for none of woman born shall harm Macbeth.

  [Second apparition disappears.]

  ANDY: None of woman born shall harm Macbeth. None of woman born shall harm me. No-one born of a woman can harm me. But everyone’s born from a woman! So that means I’m safe from everyone. No-one can harm me! I’m like the Terminator! Then live, Macduff! I don’t have to fear you! But I will kill you anyway. I’ve never liked garden gnomes: they creep me out.

  [Thunder. Third apparition appears, a child crowned, with a tree in his hand.]

  What is this?

  FIRST WITCH: Listen.

  SECOND WITCH: But speak not …

  THIRD WITCH: If that’s possible.

  THIRD APPARITION: Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are: Macbeth shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane Castle.

  [Third apparition disappears.]

  ANDY: Until Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane Castle? But that will never be! A forest come to my castle? Trees don’t pick themselves up out of the ground! The idea is ridiculous! I’ve got nothing to worry about! Nothing! Well … nothing except for that brat Fleance. Tell me, shall Danny’s children ever reign in this kingdom?

  WITCHES: Danny? Who’s Danny?

  ANDY: I mean Banquo. Will Banquo’s children ever reign in this kingdom?

  FIRST WITCH: Of course!

  SECOND WITCH: We already told you that!

  THIRD WITCH: Are you stupid or something? Duh!

  ANDY: But you said nobody could hurt me, so how come Banquo’s children end up on the throne?

  FIRST WITCH: Seek to know no more!