by Karen Ferry
Someone who will help me pick up the pieces if I break.
A person who will love me, and not the prestige my name can bring her. Or him.
I’m like Suzy in many ways, because I hate labels; I hate that society has this misconstrued concept that I am either gay or straight – that I can’t be both.
Love is love. That’s it. End of discussion.
I’ll show everyone that I don’t give a damn about what they think.
I choose my own path in life. I’m just having trouble finding the right direction.
Turning around on my back, my mind wanders to my beautiful, blonde friend, and I wonder if I can help her in some way. I’m not sure if I should tell her about the job at The Vault that Rowan texted me about earlier, but maybe I’ll have to. I know that it won’t be long until Suzy begins to feel that she has to do something drastic, and I’m scared she’ll fall into the wrong hands if I don’t push her in the right direction. This way, I’ll at least have the means to keep an eye on her.
Suzy is the kind of girl who deserves cuddles and kisses in abundance. She deserves the happy-ever-after that she’s always dreamed about.
But – why won’t she choose me?
My soul is hurting deeply at this moment, completely falling to pieces, and I almost feel physically ill. Closing my eyes, I curl into a ball and let the tears fall, cursing my traitorous heart for leading me astray.
Tomorrow, I will let Suzy go entirely. I will lock my love for her away in a box and throw away the key. I will move forward.
But tonight – tonight, I let the heartache tear through me. I cry until sleep finally takes pity on me, taking me away from the shattered pieces of my heart and into oblivion.
“DAMN, DAMN, BLOODY DAMN!” I mumble erratically, banging my head slightly behind me as I’m in the elevator to my home. That wasn’t supposed to happen; but it was inevitable, I guess. I needed the physical connection with Morgan.
Sighing, I rub my eyes and walk out of the elevator when it reaches the third floor.
“No more,” I whisper. I insert my key into the lock, and push it open.
I haven’t walked more than a step inside when a loud bark stops me. My eyes widen as I see a large dog bounding towards me. I brace and wait for it to attack me – but it doesn’t.
“Rufus! Sit!” Garrett commands from the left of me. The dog’s bum hits the floor with a low thump. I relax and take in the beauty before me, slowly reaching out my hand for him to sniff it.
“Good dog,” I murmur. I can’t stop my wide smile when I see its tail waving back and forth, its entire body vibrating, but it stays put. I sit down on my haunches and then he jumps me, causing me to fall flat on my arse.
Laughing, I try to avoid his tongue licking my face, all the while stroking his fur. My eyes meet Garrett’s brooding ones from his seat at the bar. He’s holding a coffee cup halfway to his mouth, and he’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt that hug the hard planes of his body.
He’s not smiling, of course; he simply stares, deep frown in place. I smile cautiously at him before my attention is grabbed by the brown Lab in front of me again.
“Okay, that’s enough,” I mumble as I move to stand up. He hangs his head, and the wagging tail slows. I keep rubbing his ears, and he leans his body into my legs until I walk closer to the kitchen.
“Hi,” I greet Garrett. He nods at me but doesn’t seem inclined to speak.
Grumpy. Probably still hungover.
I’m not going to mention the moment we shared last night. For one thing, I’m still not sure if it actually happened, and for another, there’s no point.
“Had a good day?” he asks me before taking a sip of his coffee.
I shrug as I remember that I’m still jobless. “Sort of. You?”
“It was quiet, until this guy came home.” Garrett looks down and pats Rufus, whose body starts to wriggle underneath his hand in ecstasy. I chuckle.
“I bet he missed you while you were away.”
For once, Garrett’s eyes fill with warmth, and I’m glad to see the affection shining in them when he looks at Rufus.
“Yeah. I missed him, too.” I almost fall under a spell when Garrett’s lips lift in a warm smile, but then I remember that I just left Morgan naked in her bed, and immediately, the guilt sets in.
I unzip my coat and walk back to take it off and hang it on the peg inside the door before a thought enters my mind.
“I forgot to ask you if my rent will change now that you’re back?” I walk back to the bar and put my hands in my back pockets.
He doesn’t answer, but stares intently at my chest instead. Alarmed, I look down and gasp when I see that my bra-covered boob is peeking out of the V-neck I’m wearing. Cheeks flaming, I turn my back on Garrett and quickly get my clothes straightened out. An almost hysterical giggle bursts from my mouth, and I try to quell it by biting down hard on my lip.
“Ooops.” Slowly, I look back at Garrett, only to find that horrible coldness in his brown eyes has returned, and a shiver runs down my back.
“So will it?” I blurt out, trying to get us back on track.
He shrugs. “Of course. I don’t expect payment from you. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Hang on, I still want to pay some amount,” I protest at his hidden meaning. “I make my own way.”
He shakes his head. “The answer is no,” he persists.
My temper begins to flare up.
“I won’t accept that,” I fume. “If you refuse, I’ll…I’ll…”
My mouth opens and closes like a fish a couple of times, and he smirks at me, clearly amused when I can’t come up with a flippant remark.
“Well, I’ll think of something. This isn’t the end of our discussion.” Deflated, I walk to grab some coffee from the machine. “I don’t want any special treatment.”
“I guess that’s just tough shit,” he grumbles from behind me. “Listen, I have to head down to my restaurant. Are you comfortable with staying here alone with Rufus?”
I turn back to face him, and the way Rufus is snoring at Garrett’s feet makes me go all gooey inside.
Meeting Garrett’s questioning gaze, I nod before taking a sip of my coffee. “No problem. Will you be back late? Do I need to take him for a walk down to the park before bed?”
Garrett opens his mouth but seems to hesitate.
“It’s fine by me,” I reassure him, putting down my cup on the counter separating us. “I don’t mind. I just need to know.”
“Well, then yes. That would be great. The leash is on the peg there,” he points to the door, my eyes following and I nod in understanding. “And,” Garrett continues, “he’s very obedient; eager to please. He knows the most basic commands, like ‘heel’, ‘sit’ and ‘stay’, so you shouldn’t have any trouble controlling him.”
I take another sip of my coffee and smile quickly. “Sounds good to me. I’ll take good care of him,” I reassure him.
“I don’t doubt that for a minute. It’s clear he’s already got you entirely smitten with him.” Garrett smiles briefly at me, eyes dancing, and I bite my tongue before saying something incredibly stupid like, ‘So have you.’.
“I don’t expect to get home late tonight, but you never know. It’s the first time I’ll be there after I’ve been…away.”
Garrett stands up and picks up his leather jacket from his seat. The minute he walks away, Rufus wakes up and lifts his head, eyes eager and hopeful. I almost feel sorry for him.
Garrett pats Rufus quickly on the head and gazes into his eyes.
“Remember, no jumping on the furniture, buddy. Got it?”
Heart. In. A. Puddle.
Rufus gives a soft woof, and I giggle loudly. Garret stands straighter and gives me one long look before he walks away.
“Have a good night,” I call out just as the door closes behind him; I’m not sure he heard me, though.
I look back down at Rufus, who seems so lost somehow. When I give a low whistle, his ears
perk up, and I clap my thigh, hoping he’ll come closer. As he bounds up and trots to me, I bend down on my knees.
Rubbing his ears, I murmur, “So, big guy, what’s it to be? ‘You’ve Got Mail’ or ‘French Kiss’?”
He lifts his paw for me to shake, tongue lolling, and I nod while trying to keep a straight face.
“I think we’ll become great friends, Rufus. ‘French Kiss’ it is, then.” I straighten up, pick up my cup of coffee, and, dog in tow, walk to the couch.
Something, or someone, shaking my shoulder lightly wakes me from my deep sleep.
“Garrett?” I mumble, my voice groggy. I rub my eyes before opening them and stare directly into the brown, intelligent eyes of Rufus. Waking up fully, I try to take a deep breath, but his heavy weight on my chest prevents me. Only a small wheeze leaves my lips.
“Down, Rufus,” Garrett mumbles. He does as his master says, albeit grumbling.
Wait, he’s a dog. He can’t grumble.
Inhaling deeply, I carefully sit up. Garrett is sitting on the coffee table in front of me, and I quickly look down to check that my nightie is covering all my important bits. I changed my clothes not long after I came home after taking Rufus for his walk, trying to get more comfortable. When I got out of the walk-in closet, I found Rufus hogging almost the entire couch. He had a sheepish expression in his eyes, and I swear he looked guilty; he knew he wasn’t allowed on the furniture. I didn’t have the heart to scold him, though, so I just sat down next to him and finished watching the movie.
“I guess I dosed off,” I mumble and stretch my arms above my head.
“I guess so. You must have had a rough day.” Garrett sighs and I take in the exhaustion on his face. He looks a bit pale, the lines on his face more prominent than earlier, and a small pang of worry hits me in the chest.
“Are you alright?” I ask him, resting my head back.
He nods. “Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”
“What time is it?” I ask him, and he glances at his wristwatch.
“Only eleven pm.”
I nod and just stare unseeingly out the windows behind the TV. My mind is addled by sleep, and I can’t focus on anything.
I raise my hand and point half-heartedly in the direction of the bed behind us.
“I’m just going to go to bed,” I mumble and stand up.
“Sure. Before you do…” Garrett’s voice trails off and I look at him, my brows raised in question.
“Yes?”
“I need your phone number.”
I frown. “Why?”
“Because we’re living together, and if we need to get a hold of each other, it’s easier to do if I have your number. No more notes.” His stare is fixed on me, and there’s a stubborn set to his mouth.
I nod once and shrug lightly. “I guess it makes sense. Do you have your mobile on you?”
He takes it out of his back pocket, and I rattle off my number. He presses a few keys before swiping the screen.
“I just sent you a text so you have mine.”
“Great.” I yawn loudly and quickly cover my mouth.
Garrett’s lips twitch into a crooked half-smile, and my heart skips a beat.
Dang it.
“Goodnight,” he whispers. I smile quickly and turn my back on him.
As I get under the covers, my smile returns when I hear him call Rufus to him. I glance surreptitiously at him, and my heart melts when I find him standing up, Rufus on his hind legs and Garrett holding onto the front paws planted on his chest. It kind of looks like a man hug – just with a man and a dog instead.
“What did I tell you about the furniture?” Garrett mumbles, but Rufus’ tail only increases in speed. “You’re impossible.” He shakes his head but grins as he does it, eyes crinkling at the corners. This is just too freaking much for me.
Garrett quickly kisses Rufus on the head before releasing him, and my heart drops to my feet when his eyes meet mine. I look down quickly and turn on my side, my back to him. I hope like hell that he can’t hear the way my heart is racing away just now. Realistically, I know that he can’t, because of the distance between us, but it beats so loudly, I’m not entirely sure. My ears pick up on his feet walking away from me, and I sigh as quietly as possible.
Damn you, Garrett. Why did you have to show me that you have a heart?
Thunder followed by manic barking wakes me up with a fright. I jump when lightening and another loud boom catches my eyes and ears, and I shiver as I look to the floor-to-ceiling windows to my right. Rain pelts down, and I rub my chilled arms.
Rufus’ barking grabs my attention, and I try to find him and Garrett in the dark.
“Garrett?” I call out, but he doesn’t answer me. Instead, a large shadow rushes towards me, whining madly. My breath leaves me when Rufus bolts up in my bed, one of his paws pushing my chest. I fall backwards and the frantic dog follows me and lies down next to me, as close as he can get.
“Oh, poor baby,” I croon when I can feel him shivering. His cold nose butts my neck, and I wrap my arm around him. He presses his face closer, and I sigh.
“Alright, but it’s just for tonight, do you hear me?”
He whines, and his smelly dog breath reaches my nose, so I turn my face away.
“Phew! That’s just nasty, Rufus,” I scold him and yawn. “We need to find you some breath mints or something,” I mumble, already halfway off to sleep.
My last conscious thought before I drift off to sleep is, I wonder where Garrett is?
I DIDN’T TELL SUZY that I had to leave because it’s not her business what I do at night, but I didn’t want to answer the questions she would undoubtedly ask, either.
I’m bone tired, but I need to see Rowan – the son of a bitch.
I love my cousin, I do, just not the stuff he continues to poison his body with.
It makes me sick to see him like this, but I have to try to make him see reason. I have to get him some help.
The path he’s on is slowly suffocating him, and he’s too young to waste his life away.
I should know. I’ve been on that same path until three months ago; and while every day is still a struggle, I know that I made the right choice.
So here I am, back at The Vault, waiting for him to come out of his office, and praying that he’ll relent this time.
I’m nursing a neat whiskey as I sit at the bar, noticing the clientele is the same as always. It’s the same men and women who frequent the establishment several times a week, like I do.
Or the way I used to, it would seem.
A petite brunette, wearing a tightly fitted black dress and a collar at her neck at the other end of the bar, keeps darting her eyes my way, retreating when they meet mine. While I can tell that she knows the game – her demeanour screams submissive to me – I’m not interested.
The Dom inside me may crave a willing plaything after all these months, but there are none here who are able to tempt me. The thought that my means to escape the memories from my past is no longer working enters my mind, but immediately, I brush it off. I tend to focus on one thing at a time, and tonight, I’m not here to get my dick wet. My sole purpose is to talk with Rowan, and then I’m gone.
Sadly, I just want this meeting to be over with so that I can return home and rest.
Fuck being boring.
I started remembering the night before when Suzy arrived home. I didn’t like the onslaught of fleeting images running through my mind the harder I thought about what happened between us. I need to stay away from her. She’s too good for the likes of me.
She isn’t fit for my world, and I must be crazy to think of her as a possible sub. My desires are not for her. She wouldn’t be able to handle a man like me – a man with tastes such as mine.
Yes, it’s madness.
But when I saw her creamy skin through her red, flimsy, bra when she returned home, her clothes rumpled – fuck me, I had to work so hard to remain in my seat instead of prowling towards her, taking what I c
raved – demanding with my words and my body to know where she’d been, and with whom. But it’s not my place to demand answers from her.
I tense when I feel a presence behind me and I turn around to find Rowan standing there, flanked by two women, his arms around their waists.
“Well, well, well,” he muses on a sneer. “If it isn’t the big, bad wolf who’s come calling.”
My hand squeezes the tumbler I'm holding, and I almost fear it’ll break. But I keep my face blank.
This little pup doesn’t want to mess with me.
“Rowan,” I greet him calmly, trying to assess how high he is already.
The lopsided grin on his face, and the way he blinks rapidly, unable to focus on me, tells me that he’s long gone. If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I wouldn’t think that he was lost in a haze of drugs; but I know him better than I know myself.
I grit my teeth. “Can we talk?”
He sighs and scratches the reddish stubble on his chin, before he shakes his head. His hair is cut close on each side, but is longer on the top, and it’s lost the healthy shine that used to be there. His hair used to be ginger. Now it’s darker, dull – lifeless.
“Sorry, man. I’m about to show these two ladies…” He pauses as the blonde on his right leans into his side and then smirks at me.
“I’m sure you understand,” he says.
He’s so pale, it makes me sick, but what can I do?
Not a damn thing.
I swallow the last of my whiskey and stand up, putting my hands in my pockets.
“I’ll come see you in the morning.” I fist my hands to prevent them from grabbing onto the lapels of his suit, trying to shake some sense into him. With my back straight, I turn to move past him.
“Hey, man, wait!” he calls as he reaches his hand to me. I glance down at the leash he’s offering me, and my stomach coils with repulsion.
“You know I don’t like my subs like that, Rowan.”
He shrugs. “I’m sure Isabella is happy to serve you in any way that she can. Aren’t you, hmm?” He pulls slightly on the leash attached to the woman’s collar, and while her head turns to him, her eyes remain downcast. She’s undoubtedly beautiful, but my dick doesn’t want her, and neither do I.