“I don’t think this is a good idea. What if I’m contagious?” I asked him.
He shrugged, “don’t care. Now lay down, I’ll watch TV.” He put his hand on my head and placed it on his chest. I snuggled into him and went to sleep. I got sick only once again that evening.
The next day I woke up feeling great. We figured it was a hour bug and had passed. We were able to go out and have fun for the remainder of the trip. When we got back home it was time to pack. We would be leaving for school in two weeks. When we were down to the last week, Erica and Mel cornered me in my room.
“What?” I asked.
“You tell us.” Mel said.
I looked at them confused, “what are you talking about. What am I supposed to be telling you?” I asked.
“You don’t think that we are aware you’ve been throwing up? You always want to sleep and you haven’t bought any tampons or pads in a while.” She said.
I arched a brow, “what are you getting at Mel?” I asked.
“Jesus, are you pregnant?” Erica asked.
I immediately shook my head. “No! Why would you think that?” I asked.
“You have all the tells. And to be honest, I don’t think you would know. You don’t seem to keep track of your period and things because you didn’t know the last time either.” Erica explained.
I paled and thought about it. Landon and I have been together more than once without protection even though we use it most of the time. But then again, he knocked me up in one try last time. I couldn’t be pregnant. I’m about to go to college in a week. What the fuck am I going to do?
Mel seemed to read my mind. “Look let’s find out first and then we can decide afterwards.”
I nodded. We went to target and I grabbed four boxes with different brands. I picked up a giant slushy because I planned on taking then all to be extra sure. When we got to the house we saw the boys were home. Erica pulled one box out of the store bag and placed it in her purse and then put the others in the glove department. We went inside and I went straight to my room. Landon followed me and I was a nervous wreck. Erica and Mel showed up shortly after with a ton of nail polish and make up stuff. When Landon saw that he left the room, yes I’ve made him let me paint his nails before.
When the coast was clear she produced the box of pregnancy tests. There were three inside and I decided to take them all. I went in the bathroom and followed the directions. I let them sit on the sink cabinet while I waited for the time to pass. When it was time to check, I didn’t move. Erica grabbed me by the shoulders and marched me into the bathroom. She peeked at them first and then nodded for me to do the same. Three positive signs, shit.
I immediately started freaking out. “What am I going to do?” I whispered.
“Well it’s not like you’ll be alone with this. You’ll have Landon and the rest of us.” Mel assured me.
I shook my head, “we’re both going to be freshmen. Goodness we’re only eighteen. We won’t be able to handle this. He has to live with the team the first year, so I’ll be alone. I have no idea what the work load will be like. We just can’t. This isn’t the time for us.”
“Trust me, just talk to Landon.” Erica prodded.
My body began shaking, “I can’t.” I whispered. “I don’t want him to think I’m trying to trap him or ruin his life. We can’t have a baby now.”
Mel looked at me knowingly, “I take it you’ve already made up your mind about what you’re going to do.” She accused.
I nodded, “I’m getting an abortion. It’s for the best, and Landon doesn’t have to know so he won’t feel bad or guilty or anything. I’ll get on birth control after this. You guys just have to promise never to mention it, and to help me get through this. I can’t do this alone because even though I know it’s the right thing to do… well we’ve already lost one kid. This will be the second, and you never know if we’ll get a chance again. What if I do this and something goes wrong you know.”
Erica sighed, “I think you’re choosing wrong by not letting Landon in. if he ever finds out he’s going to be pissed. But, if this is what you want I will support you. If you are 100% sure, I can probably get you in tomorrow. You are going to probably need time to heal so sooner rather than later.”
I nodded, “schedule the appointment.” I told her. I got up and grabbed the tests. I didn’t want to put this in the garbage where he would see it. I put the tests back in the box and put the box in one of the drawers. He never goes through them because he leaves his shit on top of the sink. Later that night, Landon came to bed I pretended to be asleep. I felt so guilty and I couldn’t face him. I’ll probably breakdown or something. This is what had to be done.
Erica had secured the appointment for me, and it would be today at 11am. I was a nervous wreck the whole morning up until we got there. I almost backed down 50 times, but I pushed myself to go through with this. Erica and Mel sat with me until I was called in for the procedure. They gave me anesthesia so afterwards I was a little out of it. I was cramping and had some bleeding but they gave me some medication. Landon was in the kitchen fixing a glass of water when we got in.
He looked at me and frowned, “what’s the matter?” he asked.
Erica jumped in, “that time of the month. Cramps and all kicked in. we went and got some supplies.” She said holding up the bag. That wasn’t a total lie, I did need to buy pads for the bleeding and I was cramping.
He looked a bit grossed out, and then shook his head. He came to me and picked me up and carried me to my room. He got me some pajamas and said he’d be back. When he returned he had the bag from Erica and a heating pad for my stomach. I wanted to fucking cry. Why was he this awesome and I am here lying to him and keeping secrets. The clench I felt in my stomach then wasn’t from pain, it was from guilt.
It was a good thing that I was already basically packed because I was stuck in bed for the next three days. Landon seemed to get worried a bit, and turned to google. When he put his phone down he was pale. When I asked him what was wrong I thought he was going to say he knew what I had done. Instead he just said he’s never googling anything that has to do with a woman’s body again. That bought out my first real laugh in days. We were leaving in two days and Landon had all his stuff packed to go. I was still in pain, so he offered to get the last of my stuff packed for me. I shrugged and dozed off, those pain killers were lethal.
When I woke Landon was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me. His head was down and looking closer I saw that he was holding his head. “Landon?” I asked.
He turned to look at me. His eyes were bloodshot and he didn’t respond. I frowned, did something happen to someone? Panic started to take over. “Landon? Answer me please I’m freaking out. What’s wrong?” I asked him.
He spoke so softly I barely heard him, “why did you do it?”
I froze. Oh no, oh no, oh no. he knew? But how? I have no idea what to say or do right now. I decided that it was absurd for him to know and put the thought out of mind. He must be talking about something else. I’m sure of it.
“Do what? I’m confused Landon, what happened?” I asked.
He reached down to the floor and produced the box of used pregnancy tests. All the color drained from my face… “I was looking for a new tube of toothpaste.” He said by way of explanation. When I didn’t respond he looked away from me and resumed his earlier position. “Are you going to say anything?” he asked.
“I… I don’t know what to say.” I admitted.
“How about why you didn’t tell me? How about why you felt you had the right to make a decision like that on your own? Or even how it was so easy for you to keep secrets and lie to my fucking face? How was it so easy for you to decide to kill our baby? When Dan did it, he was a monster. What’s your excuse Lucy?” he asked. His voice was still a strangled whisper.
My mouth opened and closed a few times but I couldn’t speak. His pain was too much and the guilt was eating at me. I knew I made the
right decision, but how do I get him to understand. I sighed, “Landon, I’m sorry. We’re not ready for this, not now. We’re too young, hell we’re leaving for college in two days. I would’ve had the baby while in school then what? We drop out or just me because someone is going to have to stay home with the baby.” I explained.
“So that’s it then?” he asked.
I nodded. “You know I’m right.”
That seemed to be the detonator because he went off. He launched to his feet and began pacing while he practically screamed, “YOU’RE RIGHT LUCY? You know how I fucking felt about this whole topic. THAT’S why you didn’t fucking tell me. Because you made up your mind and you knew I wouldn’t fucking agree. I would never be ok with killing our kids Lucy. Don’t sit there and lie to me and feed me a bunch of bullshit to ease your fucking guilt. You know what’s right Lucy? If you would’ve told me, let this be OUR decision not just yours. I can’t believe you…” his sentence trailed off as he choked up. He turned to meet my eyes and I saw anger but mostly loss and hurt. He was crying again and when he was able to find his voice, he spoke in a whispered plea. “How could you do it? How could you take away something we created? How could you not tell me? If I never found that box, I never would’ve even known. I can’t do this Lucy. Of all the lines you could’ve fucking crossed with me, it had to be this one… I don’t know how to forgive you.” His gaze went down to my now empty stomach and he screamed “FUCK!”
Nick came into the room confused, “what’s going on?” he asked. When he saw Landon’s expression he became worried and nervous. “What’s wrong man?” he asked Landon.
Landon seemed to have come to a decision. He picked up the box with the tests and threw them at Nick and said, “Fucking ask Lucy. I’m sure Erica and Mel know since she was with them.” He left out of the room. I heard his room door slam, and flinched.
Nick looked down at the box for a minute before realization dawned. He gave me a confused look, “what the hell? I know Landon and until a second ago I would’ve said he would be fucking over the moon to see this.” He told me.
That broke me. Nick thinks I’m pregnant and Landon’s mad. That he thought Landon would be incredibly happy to have been having a baby with me. I shook my head, “that’s not it exactly.” I told him.
He frowned again and watched me. I said nothing for a while, and then he seemed to remember me being holed in the room for period cramps. He had come in yesterday and was making jokes about us discussing our cycles. His mouth dropped open and his eyes went wide. He gasped and asked in a low voice, “you didn’t Lucy.”
I couldn’t speak so I just nodded. He sighed and looked down at the box then at me. His expression turned angry, “I don’t need details to figure this all out. That’s so fucked up Lucy and I never would’ve expected that from you. I won’t lie to you and say that he’s going to forgive you for this. I’ll be having a hard time forgiving you for this myself. Here…” he tossed the box back at me. “You can keep it for your memories. I don’t think anyone else wants to remember this.” He said and closed the door softly behind him.
That hurt so bad. Nick was never short or mad at me, and right now he didn’t like me. This is great, I’m going off to school with two people who I love and they probably hate me. I might as well be going somewhere alone. I stayed in my room for the rest of the day and cried. At one point Erica came into my room looking ashen and tried to get me to take a plate of food but I didn’t want to eat. I had no appetite. She sighed and kissed my forehead then left.
The next day I got up and finished packing my stuff. That afternoon Erica and Mel came to my room to spend time with me. It was a punk move, but I didn’t want to face Landon and Nick yet. When I asked Erica about what’s been happening she looked at me wearily and hesitated. I encouraged her to spit it out and she informed me that they were both mad at Erica and Mel as well. When I asked if Landon said anything about me and she told me he said it was over. That fucking hurt. When they left to finish their stuff I went over to James house to say bye to him and Samantha. I informed them on my decision to leave that day instead. I’d stay at a nearby hotel for the night and then head to the school. James was worried, but I reassured him I would be fine and I’d make sure to call. After a bunch more hugs and good luck’s I made my way back to the house. Everyone was holed into their rooms and I went to find Dean. I also let him know I was leaving and I thanked him for everything he’d done so far. He said it was his pleasure, and offered to help me get my stuff in the car.
I accepted his help and went to find Max. It made me cry saying bye to him. He was so sad, and we would all be gone. I promised him he could call me whenever and I’ll be back before he knows it for thanksgiving. That seemed to help him some. I said bye to Erica and Mel. Erica was pissed because she insisted that I at least try to speak to Nick and Landon before I left. They couldn’t really avoid me in the house, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle their reactions if it was anything like yesterday.
Dean hugged me at the car. I’m sure that Landon and Nick knew I was leaving now because we made noise while taking out my stuff. They were in the living room, I didn’t look in there. I sat in the car for a few minutes watching the house and sighed. College here I come.
Landon
I am so fucking mad at Lucy that I can’t be around her. I’m afraid that I’ll do more damage than good. I never thought she would be capable of hurting me this bad. I know I’m being a little irrational, but I told her. I fucking told her that if we were to get pregnant I’d want her to keep it. She finds out and Mel… even my own fucking sister helped her get rid of it and hide it. I can’t believe they would all do that to me.
When I found those tests it was like my world stop. For a minute I was probably happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Then I realized that she had her period, so it didn’t make sense. I thought of a miscarriage at first but I knew that wasn’t it. I felt it in my gut. If it had been of natural causes she would’ve told me like she did in the hospital. That’s our second fucking kid, and I’ll never get to have them. The waiting to talk to her was the worst. I didn’t know if it was because she didn’t want a kid with me or if it was something else. Then she tells me that it was because we couldn’t do it. That is bullshit, we could do fucking anything. If it was what we both wanted, we would have made it work.
There was a knock on my door and I didn’t answer it. I wasn’t really ready to talk to anyone. They knocked again, and when I still didn’t respond the door opened.
“Landon, we need to talk.” Nick said.
I sighed, “I’m really not in the mood.”
Nick shrugged, “don’t really care. This is important.”
“Fine.” I conceded.
“Listen, I know this whole situation is a fucking nightmare to you. And I get it I really do. But do you really think this is the right time for you to have kids?” he asked.
I shrugged. “That’s not the whole point. It happened, and we should be mature enough to handle our responsibilities. Yes, the thought of Lucy and me creating something makes me fucking unbelievably happy… but I didn’t try to knock her up on purpose. I know I’ve said I would but I never did it intentionally. The point I was trying to get across was I’d face anything with her.” I sighed. “I know we’re young, but Nick we could’ve made it work. She didn’t have to fucking do that.”
Nick’s eyebrow rose, “So what about her and what she wants? Maybe she didn’t feel as if she could handle the responsibility. I didn’t speak to her much because I was mad… but we’re mad at both the same things and different things. I’m mad at her because if the roles had been reversed you would never have made such an important decision on your own, and the fact that she didn’t tell you makes it worst. They were going to keep it a secret. I’m mad because she can’t or won’t even stand up and justify why she did it. She’s just shrinking in the corner like a pathetic wimp.”
That pissed me off, “don’t fucking talk about he
r like that Nick. I don’t care how mad I am, that shit is still not going to fly.” He threw his hands up in surrender. “And I’m pissed about all of that shit too.” I pointed out.
“But you’re also pissed because you wanted it. Even if you guys would’ve discussed it, you would’ve been on opposite sides of the fence and there would still be tension. Look all I’m saying is we’re starting college. It’s going to be crazy between our studies and sports, and her art. Is this really the way we’re going to start this? I’m not saying forgive her right now or anything because it’s not like I even do and she didn’t even do it to me. I don’t expect you to just get over something this big. All I want you to do is consider opening up conversations so you can both get through this. Whether you end up together or not is up to the two of you… but I don’t know how lucky either of you would be to find someone else that cares about them the way you do for each other.” Nick said.
He got up to leave and I stopped him. “I’m not going to lie, I haven’t sought her out. But that’s the thing. Every time there’s a problem she shy’s away… runs, hides. She never comes to me to talk. I’m constantly chasing her around like a love sick fucking puppy. I’ve been waiting for her to reach out to me, to try to make what she did right. But she hasn’t. She holed herself up in her fucking room. How am I supposed to feel about that? It’s always about her and her fucking feelings. She doesn’t ever put her pride aside or think about my feelings and try to fix the situation. I get it was her body, but she knew how this was going to affect me that’s why she didn’t tell me. You would think that knowing how badly I’m fucking hurting she would want to come try to talk to me. There has to come a point where I think about myself first.”
Nick sighed, “now who’s pride is talking? I get it, but you know her. The girl has emotional damage. I agree with you that yes, at some point she does need to start taking ownership and fucking talking to you. But it won’t happen overnight, and she needs to know these things. There’s only one way for her to find out…”
Losing Her (The Lexington Series Book 1) Page 50