Ring, ring…
What was I doing? I needed to put an end to this before I did something stupid. If I hung up now I could pretend this never happened…
“Hello?” As soon as I heard Amy’s voice again all those feelings came rushing back. For someone that I only spent two nights with she’d truly had a powerful impact on me. “Hello, is anyone there?”
We were friends as well, weren’t we? We had fun even before all the other stuff happened. I could just talk to her. It would be fine.
“H…hi,” I stammered back. “It’s erm…it’s Lisa from the wedding.”
I half expected her to shut down, I assumed she might be angry that I’d gotten hold of her contact details, but actually she didn’t seem that way at all. Her voice warmed even more as she replied. “Hi, Lisa, it’s good to hear from you again.”
I felt off kilter. I didn’t know how to take any of this. Maybe I should have planned more before I took the crazy plunge. “Yeah, it’s good to speak with you too. I got your number from my sister, I hope that’s okay?”
“Oh yeah, sure. It’s not a problem.”
A pregnant pause filled the air which I really wanted to fill but I wasn’t quite sure how. In the end, just to fill the silence, I decided to get down to the point. “Amy, I was just wondering if maybe you’d… you’d like to hang out again?”
Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
My heart hammered painfully, so loudly I feared it might explode out of my rib cage, as I waited for her to say anything. If she couldn’t stand to see me again then that told me everything. I wasn’t worthy, it was never going to happen, I really needed to move on.
I’ll know, it’ll be okay because I’ll know, I thought pointlessly to myself as I knew it wasn’t true. I was going to be crushed, this would only bring on another round of heartache.
“Yeah, I don’t see why not. Could be fun, we had a good time, didn’t we?”
I waited for happiness to flood me, but somehow it didn’t come. That wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as I’d hoped, it seemed more like a booty call than anything else which wasn’t what I wanted. The sexual side between me and Amy was awesome, but I knew for a fact that I didn’t want just that.
Then again I made this call to cancel out all the ‘what if’s’. If I didn’t go, wouldn’t I still be left with them? I needed to know for sure.
“What about drinks tomorrow night? At the Sticky Fingers bar?” It was a small place with intimate booth tables, the perfect way for me and Amy to chat properly.
“Eight PM?” She sounded like she was chewing gum, which helped me to form a picture of her in my mind. I imagined her sprawled across some Egyptian cotton sheets in a black kimono, looking sexy as hell.
“Yes, sounds good. I will see you then.”
Amy hung up the phone first, I remained with the phone pressed against my ear a long time after the dial tone rang out. I wasn’t sure why, what I was waiting for exactly, I just couldn’t move.
I had exactly what I wanted, so why didn’t I feel good about it?
I staggered over to my bed where I allowed my weary body to fall. That was the only good thing about having a small place, it didn’t take me long to get anywhere I needed to be.
When my head hit the pillow I instantly found myself tumbling into a dream where me and Amy were back at the wedding, kissing like there was no tomorrow. It wasn’t our first time together though because I already felt like I knew her body really well.
“You feel so good against me,” I murmured into her lips. “I’ve missed you so much.”
She wrapped her arms tightly around me and held onto me like I was the only thing centering her to the Earth. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too,” she groaned while sliding her hands up my thighs. “I love this tight little body of yours, Clara.”
“Clara?” I pulled back in shock as the haziness in my brain vanished. All of a sudden my dream had turned into a nightmare. I felt weirdly aware that I wasn’t awake but the anger was real. “I’m Lisa, you know that?”
“How can I possibly know that?” Amy’s eyes turned to an ice shade as her whole expression went cold. “You could be anyone as far as I’m concerned.”
“Okay.” I stood up and paced the room with a burning horror tearing through my system. “I know that you’re a player but you don’t have to be horrible about it. Me and you only happened last week, you can’t have forgotten about me already.”
“Why?” She burned with rage, it made me shrink back in on myself. “Do you think you’re special, or something?”
“No, I just…”
“I’ve been with plenty of women after you, two a day. You’re just a notch on my bed post.”
And then she was gone, poof like magic, leaving me more alone than I’d ever been before in my life.
***
I couldn’t stand still as I waited outside the Sticky Fingers, nerves swallowed up my organs in an acidic ball of panic. I brushed down the navy dress I had on and ran my fingers through my hair once more. I’d tried very hard not to dress up too much because I didn’t want to seem too try hard, but now I felt naked, underdressed, not good enough for Amy.
My watch suggested that it was already five past eight but it could have been fast, I didn’t want to freak myself out. Just because I was a mess inside, didn’t mean I had to let it show. I needed to make Amy see that I was cool, calm, worthy.
“Hey there, you!” Her voice rang out from behind me which made my heart flutter and my stomach dance. Trust Amy to surprise me in such a way, knocking me off balance all over again. “Fancy seeing you here.”
I turned to look at her, and I was instantly overwhelmed by how beautiful she looked. She had skinny jeans and a flowing top on. She had her hair tied back in a pony tail which showed off more of her slender neck than I’d ever seen before. Her face remained make up free, but she didn’t need any of it because she was so naturally beautiful.
“H…hi…” I stammered, becoming foolish all over again. “How are you, Amy?”
“I’m good.” She linked her arm through mine and started dragging me towards the bar.
I couldn’t help but notice that she hadn’t acknowledged what had happened between us at all. It seemed that we were just going to ignore it…for now. I was going to have to address it at some point.
Amy took charge. She marched over to the bar and ordered a round of drinks. I admired her tenacity, she was certainly unlike anyone I’d ever met before, but that didn’t change anything. She might think that she could dazzle me to stop me from delving into difficult topics, but she couldn’t. I did feel dazzled by her, but there was an inner strength within me, one that needed to protect my heart.
Even as she swayed her hips towards me in an intoxicating way I didn’t allow myself to get sucked in. It was hard, I had to gulp down really hard to keep it together, but I did it.
“So, what have you been up to since I last saw you?” I decided to start with an easy topic, to ease our way in.
“I’ve had a couple of DJ’ing gigs, and work has been a bit of a bitch with Jamie being off.” Her eyes widened as if she realized that she’d opened up a can of worms. “I guess I owe you an apology, don’t I? Leaving you like that the morning after the wedding.”
“Oh, no,” I instantly fell back into it doesn’t matter mode. I couldn’t seem to help myself. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does.” Amy half laughed. “Why don’t you just be honest with me, Lisa? I think you’ve spent so long hiding your feelings that you don’t know how to express them anymore.”
Damn it, she was right. How did this woman who I’d met only briefly know me so well? It was insane.
“Fine,” I sighed. “I was very hurt. I guess I just wanted to know what I’d done to make you run.”
“You really want to know?” Amy chewed on her bottom lip while she thought.
“Of course I really want to know. I wouldn’t have called you up otherwise.” Now that I’
d started being honest, I went the whole hog and confessed it all. “I want to know what’s going on, I know you don’t want me, but…” I trailed off. I guess I didn’t totally know what I wanted to say.
Amy took my hand in hers and she gave me a gentle smile. “Lisa, you have no idea what you are, do you?”
“Huh?” I had no idea where this was going. Was she about to say the terrible things that she did in my dream? Was that a premonition? Was I really about to be shot down in the cruelest way possible.
“Lisa, you don’t seem to see just how beautiful you are. You have gorgeous hair, a pretty face, a sexy body…but you’re more than just that. You’re funny, you’re awesome to be around, you bring out the best in me. I share a banter with you that I haven’t in forever…and that’s what scared me.” All of a sudden her face fell as she dived into something more serious. “I have spent my entire life pushing people away because I’m scared of commitment, I never let anyone in.” I presumed that was where the player reputation had come from. That made a lot of sense, I’d always been afraid too. “That’s why I ran, that’s why I never called, that’s why I assumed I would never see you again.”
“So why did you?” I whispered desperately. If that was all the case then why were we sitting here now? Unless she needed to get me to back off before I became just another embarrassing fling.
“Because I honestly can’t get you off my mind, Lisa.” My heart rose and fell all at once. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t necessarily a good thing. “I cannot get rid of you however hard I try. I work, you’re there, I DJ, you’re there, I sleep, you’re in my dreams…”
I burst into totally shocked laughter, I couldn’t quite believe it. While I’d been torturing myself over Amy it seemed that she’d been doing the same over me. It was quite unbelievable really. I was nothing compared to her, but we did seem to share something. Maybe that transcended everything else.
“I don’t want to feel this way, Lisa,” she continued honestly. “It scares the shit out of me, but I can’t keep fighting it.” Again she was touching me and it felt wonderful. “You might have to be patient with me, I can’t promise that I’m going to be any good at it, but if you’ll come with me on this amazing journey then I’ll try my very best.”
My heart opened for a moment, maybe I could do this. It was new and scary for me too, which was why I felt so paranoid, but maybe we could muddle through it together. On paper it sounded like a recipe for disaster, but that didn’t necessarily mean that it had to be, did it?
But first I needed to protect my heart first. If I added that one last layer of bubble wrap then maybe it wouldn’t be so scary.
“Amy, I want to, but you have to understand that this is all very new to me too. I have never done anything like this.”
“We’ll do it together.” She shrugged, making it sound dangerously easily. Amy was clearly inviting me to fall into her embrace, and God did I want to. “Me and you are badass chicks. We can do this, can’t we?”
I didn’t even bother to answer Amy, I just wanted to take action. I leaned across the table and I cupped her cheeks in my hands. With her soft skin between my fingers I realized that I needed to just fall. Yes, I would probably end up with a shattered heart, it was almost inevitable that I would, but if I didn’t have the experience then I would never know. I would go through the rest of my life in the same, shadowed way that I had before. That hadn’t been making me happy, maybe this could, even if it was only for a short while.
I caved to the magnetism, I fell against her lips, and everything felt wild and free all at once. Amy terrified me, but I still wanted to know what it was like to be hers. I wasn’t sure if it felt right or not, but it did feel really freaking awesome.
“Shall I take that as a yes then?” Amy murmured happily.
“It’s a yes,” I replied just as delighted. “Let’s try and work this out together.”
***
Epilogue
“What is with you?” I asked Amy once more. “You’re driving me crazy, you’re acting all weird.”
“I don’t know.” She shifted from foot to foot looking increasingly uncomfortable with each passing second. “I guess I’ve never had an anniversary before.”
I snaked my fingers between Amy’s and smiled reassuringly at her. I hadn’t ever made it to one year with anyone before, but with Amy it felt great. Of course it hadn’t been an easy path, there had been times when both of us felt like giving up, but throughout the screaming matches and the awful emotions we stuck it out. We stayed together even when it felt like we really probably shouldn’t, and now all of that was worth it.
We’d been through the hard times, we’d had all of these experiences together, and we were much stronger for it. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to start a relationship, it certainly wasn’t traditional, but it was okay for me.
“Come on, it’ll be fine. This dinner is going to be amazing.” Amy had booked us a table and I couldn’t wait to get inside. “You’ll feel much better then.”
“Actually, I don’t think I will. I don’t think I can eat anything, I feel a little sick actually.” Admittedly she did look a little green. “I think there’s something that I need to talk to you about first.”
In the past I might have freaked out that she was about to break up with me. My mind would’ve spun over every conversation that we’d ever had while I worked out exactly what I’d done wrong and I tortured myself with ways that I would never get to fix it. But I was more secure in what we had now. I felt totally fine about it.
Mostly…
Okay, I was a little freaked out. My heart was beating just that little bit faster, my stomach churned and I feared it might throw up.
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”
As Amy fell towards the ground I thought she was passing out, I was just about ready to scream that we needed an ambulance, but then it hit me what was going on. She was on one knee, staring up at me with those beautiful, bright green eyes.
“What are you doing?” I gasped while clapping my hands across my mouth. “What’s going on?”
“Lisa, I cannot describe the depth of my love for you. It’s utterly boundless.” She used the word ‘boundless’ when she first said those three magic words to me, so that trip down memory lane was awesome. It was when I finally started to understand just how serious Amy was about me. She was throwing all of her old life style and fears behind herself for me. “I never knew that I could feel that way about anyone, I truly thought that I was destined to be alone forever.”
I couldn’t help but notice that a crowd was starting to gather around us, which was totally understandable since we were in a very public place. In the past I would’ve been embarrassed to have so many eyes on me, but now it felt great to have so many people embracing mine and Amy’s love.
“You’ve changed me, you’ve made me the person that I want to be, and I think I’ve done the same for you.”
“You have,” I gaped happily. “You really have. Before you, I was nothing.”
“That’s why I think we should get married.” Her words warmed my heart, I wanted to wrap my arms around her to hold her close to me. “Tonight.”
“Tonight?” I panted breathlessly. “What the hell do you mean, tonight?”
Amy grinned happily, like she was floating on air. “I understand if you say no, I know this is me being a little presumptuous, but I’ve spent the last few weeks planning a small wedding for the two of us. Everyone we care about is waiting for us, and we can go there now if you want. Skip dinner and eat later.”
“A wedding?” I could barely hear her words, my brain buzzed with insanity. I never thought I’d end up getting married, and especially not to Amy on our one year anniversary.
“It’s not one where I’ve spent months picking out napkin colors and stuff, it’s a small affair but both our families are there and some of our friends too.”
I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I burst into
fat, emotional tears. Amy was now so willing to commit to me that she had this whole wedding planned. I had to be special.
“So what do you say? It’s getting kind of cold down here.”
“Oh sorry.” I tucked my hands under her armpits and I pulled her into an upright position. Then I pressed my lips gently against hers and I conveyed my emotions with a kiss. “Of course, yes,” I murmured into her mouth. “All I want is to be your wife.”
“She said yes!” Amy yelled, causing everyone to cheer around us. “We’re going to get married!”
As she grabbed my arm and she ran away from the restaurant, dragging me along with her I burst into hysterical laughter. Somehow, my sister’s wedding had managed to turn my whole life around, and now I was about to have another wedding of my own. It made no sense, it came from nowhere, but love shocked and amazed me all at once. When I got that famous spark from Amy I knew that I’d never be the same person again, but I didn’t realize it was going to lead to ‘I do’.
“I love you, Amy,” I called over the breeze as we ran. “You have no idea how much.”
“I love you too!” she exclaimed happily. “And I can’t wait for you to be mine forever.”
Finally, I had it all. Finally, my life was complete, and that felt incredible.
THE END
= Bonus Book 11 of 17 =
Never Yours
The bodies of the other new resident nurses crushed me from each side, which was annoying because I wanted to make an impression on this hospital, my first ever medical job, right away, but it was also kind of comforting. I guess it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in all of this.
“Oh my God, this is so exciting!” Nancy, one of the more immature girls from nursing school squealed to me. “Violet, aren’t you so thrilled to be here.”
Of course I was, but I didn’t want to be seen as a sillier person, so I nodded sharply and kept my head fixed forwards. I’d always wanted to work in a hospital, the idea of helping other people drove me forwards, and now I would actually get a chance to do that. I was utterly thrilled, but consumed by anxiety at the same time.
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