He took every opportunity to touch me. He brought me a glass of tea and lingered over my hand. He reached over my shoulder for the remote control and breathed into my ear. He held my face as he slowly pulled a small piece of fuzz out of my hair. We stood side by side washing dishes, his arm reaching over me trapping me with his body up against the counter.
He washed, I dried. I had never wanted a dishwasher more.
“I know what you’re doing,” I said petulantly.
“And yet you haven’t uttered a word in protestation.” He reached behind me, turned off the water and poured all his angelic good looks and power onto me.
He was unbelievably tall, his shoulders so wide. I wondered what he looked like with his wings outspread. That chain I had glanced the first time we met was peeking from behind his collar. I wanted to know what it was he wore around his neck every day. I wanted to see what was so special that he kept hidden from the world, but couldn’t bear to be without every day. His long blonde hair had fallen down around his chin. I reached up and pushed the blonde strands behind his ear. He closed his eyes reveling in my touch.
He moved in to kiss me and I turned my head, “Wait.”
He sighed, “Why? You feel what I feel. I know you do. I can hear your thoughts. You all but scream them whenever I’m near. And then there’s your body. It screams for me too.”
“But, I just…”
“You’re fighting a war within yourself that will have no victor. Give in to me. Give in to us.”
I can’t. Orrin.
I couldn’t think of a good enough reason besides that one. I still loved Orrin. Isn’t that a good enough reason? But he had Daisy now. I could have someone else too. Couldn’t I?
“I just…I don’t know,” I answered.
“You know I want you, Layla. And right now I’d like nothing more than to kiss you. I want to know you more.” He touched his thumb to my bottom lip running it from corner to corner.
I shivered with anticipation. If his thumb could do that, I wondered if his lips could do so much more.
“I know you want this. I felt it the first time we met, the first time you looked into my eyes. I wanted you. I want to know that hunger you keep hidden. I want to free you from this darkness that has overtaken your world. I want so much from you and for you, but right now at this moment I just want to know the taste of your mouth.”
He descended again, so sure in my capitulation.
“Wait,” I said again.
He sighed, “I ask again, why?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can. I don’t know what I want.”
“Layla, I can read your mind. Believe me when I say I already know what you want.”
“That may be true. I just don’t know if it’s the best idea. I barely know you, Cyrus.”
He took a step back.
“But you know him?” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
“Him? Who?” I asked, but deep down I knew of whom he asked.
“Darringer.”
I crossed my arms, “Why do guys use each other’s last names like that? His name is Orrin, but like you know said a few times you know more than you’re saying. You want to know how well I know him. I’d say pretty well. He’s a little sidetracked these days but we keep in touch. Why do you ask? How well do you know him?”
“Well enough,” he sneered. “You so readily gave yourself to him? A daemon? Why not give me a chance.”
“What kind of chance are you talking about?” My guard went up, “I’m a daemon too, don’t forget that. You don’t get to talk about him like that. You don’t know anything about us. And I don’t need your approval to sleep with someone. ”
“And you still consider him to be your soulmate?”
“How do you know any of this? Why do you know any of this?” I said through clenched teeth. My control was slipping. If he kept picking at my relationship I didn’t know if I could keep my daemon from emerging. It was extremely fond of Orrin no matter what his faults.
I was bleeding all over the kitchen floor. My old wound ripped open, gaping. My life-force flowing from me like it often did when life became too difficult and I would try to drink away the pain. My biggest fear, my deepest ache came spewing forth into a red puddle before us.
Then the tears followed.
“Orrin is my soulmate. We are bound together by a soul-tie. That means everything to me. I gave up my world and he gave up his- to be with me. I left my home, my family, moved across the country to find him, and try to undo a judgment that was given to him because he was defending me. He was there for me when I needed him, and I was there for him. That’s what love is. Please don’t talk to me like I’m a child. I know that love is more than just hearts and flowers and romance. It’s about making tough decisions and putting someone else’s needs above your own. That’s what I’ve been doing all this time. I can’t turn off my feelings like a light switch and I wouldn’t want to. Loving Orrin has been the best part about this entire daemonic life- a life, that you well know, was not my choice. But he is. Loving him has always been my choice.”
I paused for another large gulp of air, “I don’t know how to love any differently. For me love and loss go hand-in-hand. You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not ready to jump into another relationship. I don’t have a great track record with keeping my heart and soul intact.”
Cyrus waited for a minute, allowing me to regain my composure. I wiped at my tears and backed away from him. He was uncomfortable with my outburst, not that I cared too much. I watched the myriad of emotions cross his face. He looked wounded, like a child who had just been scolded. But there was also anger, lust and disgust.
“Now it’s my turn,” He breathed deeply composing himself. “I’m sorry, Layla, I did not know how you felt. I knew he tied his soul to yours but I thought you may have not understood the seriousness of it. I have never been in love before you. No, that’s not right. I have always been in love with you.”
My eyes few to his and then quickly away.
Did he really just say what I think he said?
My face reddened but not from anger. He continued, knowing he had my full attention even though I could not hold his gaze. He had been waiting for this moment it seems and who was I to rob him of it.
“I worry that you acted rashly, that you tied your soul to someone unworthy. I know you can protect yourself, but I want that job. I want to stand beside you. Be your partner. I want to be your soulmate.” His bluster was gone like the air from a balloon. He handed me the dish towel and I angrily mopped the tears from my face. He backed away to the other side of the narrow kitchen.
He may have been done, but I was not, “What does it matter to you?” I snarled. “You just show up here, point out all my flaws, and tell me how to take care of myself. You think you’re my keeper? That’s not exactly the way to a woman’s heart. You may have lived a long time but you obviously need some schooling when it comes to females. You say you love me, but I don’t see how that’s possible.”
Now it was Cyrus who wouldn’t meet my eyes. His probing had hurt. His condemning questions and proclamation made the past three years of avoidance melt away. My heartbreak over Orrin Darringer was real, raw, and unrelenting. I had run from it, spent three years hiding from it, fueled my darkness, and molded my feelings into an angry ball of fire. But all of the years of fortifying my defenses were wasted. He had knocked them all down that day and shown me that my walls were never very strong to begin with. I was fooling myself, but I hadn’t fooled him at all. Cyrus had broken me and the deep cavern where I once housed my love for Orrin had been laid bare.
I love you? Are you kidding me? I’m a mess!
“Does he really mean that much to you? Is he really the only man you could love? Have you closed yourself off for the rest of your days and beyond?”
I sniffed, not knowing what to say, too afraid I would start crying again. “I feel the need to be honest with you. I don’t know
why. The truth is, I just don’t know anymore. I’ve been consoling myself with the idea that if we can’t have today, at least we have forever. But I worry that my devotion might be one-sided. He said he loved me, I know he feels me like I feel him- we’re a part of one another. But being apart from him- I just don’t understand how he can say one thing and do another.”
He cocked his head and made a face, “Listen to yourself for once, not your daemon. Do you really think so little of yourself? Do you really think it is okay for your soulmate to put you on a shelf and just walk away?”
“Actually, I walked away.” I pulled a glass out of the cupboard and a glass bottle perched on top of the fridge. It was time to numb the pain.
“That makes it worse!” he yelled, his eyes darting to the hallway when he remembered Ben was sleeping down the hall. “You had the presence of mind to leave him, yet you’ve never really left.”
I poured the clear liquid into the tall glass, “I’ve moved on. Sort of. I’ve done a lot with my time apart from him. I’m a college graduate…”
“You’re a drunk! If you’re so unhappy then why don’t you do something about it?”
“I am doing something. I’m drinking,” I replied snidely. “I can stop whenever I want. In fact I haven’t had a drink since…”
“You haven’t had a drink since I smashed your bottle against the classroom wall.” He finished the sentence for me.
I thought back through the events of the past week. Cyrus was right. I had quit drinking with his arrival at Trinity. That had to mean something, I admitted.
“I’m just not ready,” I mumbled. “I don’t know if I ever will be. I walked through Hell for Orrin. Literally. And I would do it again a hundred times over.”
“Of course you would,” he moved to stand in front of me. “But know I would do it for you.”
I had trouble thinking when he was near and he knew it. I leaned back against the kitchen counter and he braced his legs on either side of mine. He moved in closer leaning over me securing any retreat with his hands on either side of me. “I know you love him. You will always love him, but I ask you again- have you closed your heart to the possibility of ever finding love again? Don’t you think Darringer would want you to have a second chance at love? Do you think he would want you to sit here and pine over him miserably?”
“And again I say, I don’t know. To be honest with you, I haven’t spoken to him in almost three years.”
“I know,” he whispered hesitantly.
“I figured,” I admitted readily.
“What do you think he is doing right now? You have been so close for so long. No man should let his love exist in such misery. He is living while you are still in limbo. Do you think he has this much anger pent up and directed at you? It’s clouding your judgment. It’s repressing the better part of you. Do you think he is wallowing in his lost love like you have been doing for three years?”
“No, he’s probably not,” my face burned thinking of him and Daisy together, the heat running down my neck igniting the skin under my tattoo. I felt the familiar burn begin under my skin. “He’s. With. Her.”
“That’s right. He made his choice but you still haven’t made yours.” He took my hand and I instantly pulled the fire back within my core. Burned bits of dishtowel floated to the floor- I didn’t even realize it was in my hand. Even though Cyrus was a constant irritation, I didn’t want to burn him again. He placed my hand over his heart.
“I know you’re not going to understand this, but I love you, Layla. I’ve loved you much longer than he has, and I’ve waited twice as long. His eternity could only equal half of my lifetime. I have walked this Earth waiting for Lillith’s prophecy, waiting for you. When I learned you had tied your soul so hastily to that Daemon spawn, Darringer, I was lost. I lost you before you were ever mine. I could not breathe one more breath without speaking this truth.”
Holy crap. What?
I shook my head, “I don’t understand why you’re saying this.”
Cyrus just professed his love for me after only a week in my presence. I didn’t understand the why or how of it all- I didn’t understand him. I didn’t know him.
“How can you possibly love me? You barely know me.” I asked incredulously.
“You know,” he began, how he could smile at a serious time like that? “I didn’t expect your feelings to match my own, but I did expect something besides that.”
“Cyrus…” I began.
“Layla, no. You don’t get to speak right now. I’m not going anywhere. I would never leave you, unless that was your wish. You have my heart, my loyalty, my protection, my life. You have everything I could ever be, and you are everything I could ever want. I just want you to weigh your options carefully and include me in them.”
My head was spinning. Without even thinking I took a long painful swig of my vodka.
He laughed.
“Put the drink down,” he reached for my glass and finished the rest of it in one gulp. “Forget him and be with me.”
10
“Shut up. Did he really say that?”
“He sure did.” Ben was feeling much better. She spent the next day walking around the apartment and lounging on the couch. Cyrus had no choice but to leave. I didn’t know where he was, but I figured he wasn’t far. I was under strict doctor’s orders to keep Ben inside. Samael was still the threat on which we had to focus.
After our conversation in the kitchen, Cyrus backed off. He didn’t mention his feelings again, he didn’t try to kiss me or pressure me. He didn’t need to. His presence was pressure enough.
I wanted more than ever to talk to Orrin. I needed to know how he felt, what he was doing. I felt the need to gain his permission. We were tied together forever, for better or worse. My choices would affect him, just like his choices affected me. Right or wrong, it was how I felt. But I wasn’t ready to face him. Until I conquered my cowardice, good old-fashioned girl talk was needed.
“No guy has ever said anything like that to me,” Ben complained.
I gave her a safe version of the truth, excluding otherworldly details that she wouldn’t understand.
“And he’s a doctor to boot!”
I let her believe that one too. Cyrus technically was a PhD. just not of Internal Medicine.
“I still can’t believe you brought such a fine male specimen into our apartment and let him see me at my worst. I ought to hate you for that, you know?”
“Ben, you were sick. Dr. Williams said blood poisoning is very serious.”
“I know. I still don’t understand why we he doesn’t work at a hospital. What kind of doctor only makes house calls? You’d think he would have an office or something. And why does he need to knock me out before every treatment? If you weren’t sitting right beside me, I would totally protest. The whole scenario sounds like something off the Investigation Discovery channel.” She paused in her rant, “You aren’t trying to kill me or anything, are you?”
“No,” I laughed. She was definitely feeling better, “I’m just happy that you’re okay. Going to the Montrose was the dumbest idea you have ever come up with.”
“It may have been my idea, but you were totally down with it.”
I shook my head, “What, do you have selective amnesia too? I just went so you wouldn’t be alone when your brilliant plan crumbled, literally, like that building. And I was right, too.”
She was exasperating, “I thought you had permission from the city. I should have known better.”
“I’m glad you came with me. If it wasn’t for you, I would have suffocated up there on the top floor. I remember the air tasted so strange. You know I had the weirdest hallucinations right before I passed out.”
“Really?” I asked her, hoping she didn’t remember much of the truth.
“It’s kind of hazy. The whole world turned red and black, like I was looking through a colored filter on my camera lens. Your eyes did funny things when I looked at you. I saw big splotch
es floating all around us, and then…nothing. Hmm, weird, right? I guess that’s what oxygen deprivation will do to you.”
“I guess so,” I mumbled and rose from our ugly second-hand sofa. “I’m going to go make some lunch. Want some?”
“Sure whatever you’re having. I’d really like to order take-out. Chinese maybe?”
“I can have something delivered, but I’m not about to leave you alone. Doctor’s orders.”
“Nah, we’ll wait until tonight. I can get good and hungry. We can watch a movie or something. I know you need to finish your thesis again. I still can’t believe your bad luck to lose it so late in the semester. Do you know when the Coffee Shack will re-open? I don’t worry about the bills. This is definitely one of those time to call the parentals.”
I hadn’t even thought about any of that. I should call in and see if they opened and I had a job. I did need to finish my thesis. I needed a new cell and a new computer. Ben offered to let me use hers, but that would have to wait. The top of my to-do list was calling my father and tell him about Samael’s tricks. He would want to know about everything else too. I didn’t know if it would endanger him further, but what if…
What if he’s already beaten me to him?
What if Samael has already hurt him? Or Ava? Or Orrin?
I made tomato and avocado sandwiches for both of us, my hands shaking with fear and rage. I melted two spoons and the plastic container before I finished lunch.
She will have to know. Cyrus’ words from yesterday still gnawed at me. My daemon didn’t like it. It was not a creature open for display. It thrived on secrecy and solitude. Friendship and understanding were not big on its priority list. Nevertheless, Samael was now after Ben. This was the second time she had come under attack from a daemon. Whether by choice or fate, she is part of your life, Cyrus said, she will have to know.
I rounded the corner carrying two plates. Ben was on the couch staring at her lap top. Her face was slack. She blinked rapidly trying to make sense of what she was seeing.
“What?” I wondered aloud.
The Lariat (Finding Justus Series) Page 6