by Cat Porter
“I remember it differently.” I leaned back against a wall by the ladies’ restroom.
“Yeah, sure you do. But you started it, with your suspicions and insecurities. You did that. All your uptight crap made us a mess.”
“Yes, I did go overboard, and I regret that. But you sure did something about it, didn’t you?”
“That’s right. All the shit you were always accusing me of, I finally did it. And you know what? I enjoyed myself.”
“I have no doubt.”
“And I have no doubt you’re still a miserable little girl who takes out her shit on everybody else. Gotta say, I’m concerned you’re gonna be doing that to our daughter. I don’t want her to be messed up in the head like you.”
“You’re concerned, did you say? Well, Daddy, seeing as how she’s already been the victim of a kidnapping before she even hit two years of age, things are not looking too good on that score.”
“That was a royal fuck-up. Won’t ever happen again.”
“News flash, Catch—me being with my old man is not about you. It’s about me. Nothing I do is about you, but everything is about our daughter. I do put her first, unlike you, and I trust my old man and the One-Eyed Jacks.”
“My old man.” Sweet hell, listen to me.
“Your daughter is a Flame first. Just because you’re warming a Jack’s bed, don’t mean my kid, my own flesh and blood, has got to be subjected to ’em.”
“Subjected? As far as I know, the Jacks and the Flames are not enemies, are they? Oh, I get it now. You’d be happy if I were with an accountant or the stock boy at the local supermarket, so you could be the big macho dick in the room?”
“Shut the fuck up, Jill, and listen. You can’t be straight with me if you tried. My kid is not growing up around another club, you hear? And the Jacks are not gonna tell me what to do and how to do it. That’s my kid we’re talking about. You should show a little more gratitude that I let you leave Nebraska in the first place.”
“Are you forgetting that I came to Meager with your sister to live with your mother and help her now that she’s weak and frail?”
“They could’ve hired a professional to do what you’re doing, but my sister managed to sucker you into it.”
“Have you even offered to help your sisters financially with your mother’s care, by the way? Your mother has good days and bad days. They come and go. And, thankfully, while the going is still good, your daughter is getting to know her very special, very wonderful grandmother. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“It does, but meanwhile, you’re sucking Jack cock in the background. So, this is how it’s gonna go. We aren’t goin’ through lawyers, for obvious reasons, so we’re gonna do this my way.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Do what?”
“You’re gonna give me custody of Becca.”
“What?”
“You’re her ma. I get that. So, you can have her every other couple of weeks.”
“What are you talking about, Catch? You’re being totally unfair. This is bullshit.”
“You’re gonna do as I say, and you know why?”
“Why, asshole?”
He laughed. “’Cause if you don’t, your old man is gonna pay for it. All it takes is for me to give the word to Mishap, and you know what’s gonna happen, don’t you?”
My blood froze.
Mishap was the Flames of Hell assassin-on-demand. A former Army sharpshooter, his services were legendary. Hired not only by his own club nationwide, but also contracted by other clubs and even Mafia from all over the country for his particular skill set. Murder for hire. At long range, under the cover of night, in the blinking light of day—either way, quiet, untraceable, unmistakable.
“Catch, please. Please. Are you totally insane?”
“Not totally. You do as I say, and there will be no insane mishaps, baby.” His low chuckle rumbled through the phone. “Maybe I’ll start off small, just for kicks, so you get that I’m serious about this.”
“You always have to have your kicks, don’t you?”
“This is real simple, Jill. You stay with your old man, but I get my kid the way I want my kid. You do not tell him, my mother, or my sisters about this conversation. This is club business, and you know what that means. I taught you well, didn’t I?”
“Yes. Yes, you did.” My voice cracked.
One night, Catch had made me watch Finger shoot a man, point-blank, in the face with a rifle. A prospect who had snitched to an undercover cop about business. Catch had wanted me to understand how important keeping secrets was, now that I was a part of a new way of life. He’d told me I needed to wrap my head around it and stay committed to it. I’d gotten it all right, in flying blood and chunk spattered Technicolor.
Afterward, he’d fucked me against the chain-link fence of the compound as the party roared on around us. He’d fucked me until I stopped feeling numb, and my incessant shuddering had been transformed into another kind of shuddering by the quick, harsh orgasm he gave me. His loud grunts, enthusiastic filthy monologue, and the sharp gleam in his dark eyes as he’d hammered into me had told me that it had been exciting for him to share that slice of his life with me. He’d been buzzing with it. I’d been a crazy mixture of terrified, stupefied, and needy, all the while realizing how wholly dependent on Catch I was for my sanity and survival at the Flames of Hell.
After the orgasm had faded, the numb had quickly returned. What had I gotten myself into once again? Way too much.
I’d thought I’d finally gotten myself out of it when I took our daughter and left him and Nebraska behind.
I gripped my phone tighter, my stomach gnarled into knots, as I watched Boner cutting pieces of burger for Becca from where I stood. “Don’t do this to Becca, please. Come see her whenever you want. Whenever. But she’s too young right now for you to take her from me and have her on your own. The last time you did, you handed her over to some club women, and she ended up getting kidnapped by that lunatic.”
“I want my kid down here with me. I’m her father. Me. Not some One-Eyed Jack.”
The line went dead.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My hand flew to my mouth, and I choked back the screechy sob rising in my throat. I took in a breath and made my way back to our table.
Boner’s eyes followed me as I sat down. “You okay?”
“Fine. That was the billing department from the rehab where Rae was a few months ago. There’s an issue with a Medicare payment that hasn’t gone through yet. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, so I…” I gestured toward the hall where I’d gone to take the call. “It’s always something with health insurance.”
The abrupt change in tone and spirit from Catch’s phone call to this domestic bliss of me, Boner, and Becca eating a meal together was nothing short of whiplash. I settled back in my seat and gulped at my ice water.
During those few years with Catch, my normal had been this very same all-systems-at-high-hell adrenaline level which was shooting through me right now. It was a shock after all this time. I couldn’t come down and lie about it right this very second.
How can I tell Boner right now, here in a crowded restaurant and in front of Becca?
No, I had to keep it together until I could think about this later when I was alone in my room. Later, yes.
Under the table, my feet rose, and my toes ground into the floor.
Boner drained his beer, his eyes on me, and set the bottle back on the table with a clunk. “Becca decided she loves sweet potatoes now.”
My shoulders fell. “Really? Wonderful, sweetie.” I kissed my daughter’s greasy hand. “We’ll have to buy some for home.”
I forced myself to eat my burger.
“Everything okay?” he asked after we’d finished.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Thank you for this. I really loved it.”
He wiped at his mouth with a napkin and pushed a lock of hair behind his ear.
Make conversation. S
ay anything. He’s the Sergeant at Arms of an MC. The man’s life is all about deciphering suspicious behavior and clues. Damn it, where’s your ramble now?
I got out the mini packet of baby wipes from my handbag and wiped down Becca’s face and hands. “Did you and Dig come here?”
His brow furrowed. “What?”
“Did you two come here and eat burgers in the old days? Did he like them as much as you? You never talk about him, you know. I’d love to hear a few stories.”
His head tilted. “Would you?”
“Sure I would.”
His teeth dragged across his bottom lip. “Yeah, we used to come here. Back then, it was a dump though, a real hole-in-the-wall, and the burgers were dirt cheap. It was about all we could afford on a good night. Times have changed, as you can see.”
The small space was crowded and noisy, and the oversized vintage counters trimmed in chrome gleamed, as if they were new. The restaurant had been featured in several travel magazines, judging from the framed articles on the walls. People sporting suits and ties, probably all the way from Rapid, were sitting at the small square cloth-covered tables alongside local ranchers and farmers. Times had changed. Local, home-grown was “in” and in demand.
He stuck a toothpick in his mouth and signaled for the check. “You think Becs has room for ice cream?” He nudged my leg under the table with his own.
My head ached, my chest felt like a lead weight was pressing on it. Boner was expecting things from me, Catch was expecting things from me...Catch was terrorizing me.
I zipped up my handbag. “I should get Becca home. It’s coming up on nap time. She only takes one a day now. And she’s had a big day. Boy, do I miss that second nap.”
“I’ll bet. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Plastic smile. “Thank you for this, but you don’t have to—”
“Take you to eat?”
“I mean, if it’s part of the Old Man/Old Lady show, I get it.”
He quirked a dark eyebrow. “Jill, you’re trying to tell me something, but I’m not getting it.”
I unzipped my handbag, tugged on another baby wipe, and wiped down my own fingers. “You don’t need to entertain me.”
“You gonna tell me what I need now?” His tone was brittle, slicing.
I shot him a look. “Maybe all you needed was to save me.”
He tossed the toothpick onto his empty dish. “And maybe all you ever needed was to be saved.”
Boner was right.
But I didn’t want to be saved this time. I wanted to handle things on my own. I needed to be able to do that.
I unbuckled Becca from the restaurant high chair.
I would give Catch a day or two to cool off, and then I’d call him. Offer him a compromise. Something. Something that did not involve the Jacks and the Flames.
“WHO THE HELL knew babies needed so much shit?”
Grace’s eyes blazed at me from across the stroller department of the baby store in Rapid. A young couple shuffled out of my way.
“A lot of stuff. They certainly need a lot of stuff,” I said, lowering my voice.
“It seems to get worse every time,” Grace said. “My nephew was born almost seven years ago, and I really don’t remember my sister needing half of this”—she glanced at me—“stuff.”
“See what I mean?”
“I can order the stroller for you.” The petite salesgirl returned from the stockroom. “We should have it within two weeks.”
“That would be great. Thank you,” Grace replied.
“I have your information on file. We’ll give you a call.”
Grace slid her arm through mine and led me to the other end of the store. “Let me show you the crib we picked out.”
“We’re not shopping, are we?”
She elbowed me. “We already bought it. I just want to show it to you.”
“Fine. Show it to me.”
“So, how are things with your old lady?”
“How long have you been waiting to ask that question?”
“I’ve been trying to fit it in since we got on your bike at the club.”
“Grace.”
“I don’t want to put you on the spot, but I want to know.” She squeezed my arm.
“I ever get involved in your drama?”
“No.”
“Okay, so?”
“You’ve never had an old lady before, and you jumping in and saving the day at the party was all sorts of amazing and wonderful, but I’m just concerned about how it’s been for you because—”
“Because?”
“Because I think you really like her—like, really, really like her. And I really, really like Jill. I’d like my baby’s mommy to have a happy, fulfilling, and satisfying pregnancy. And I love you. So, I have a vested interest in the two of you working out.”
“Jesus.”
“You know better than to play it cool with me. Let’s hear it.”
We stopped in an aisle lined with Baby Einstein CDs. What the hell was that?
“Earth to Boner.”
I met her gaze. “I like her.”
“I know that.”
“But this relationship thing is just until the baby’s born.”
“What?”
“It’ll keep Catch away from her now that the line’s been drawn.”
“Right.”
I slapped at a ladybug mobile, and it spun awkwardly.
“You’re full of crap,” Grace said. “The way you came at Catch, I figured it went deeper than the everyday concern or attraction.”
“Just doing the right thing.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Are we done here?”
“Mr. Denial? Hello?”
I twisted a heel into the floor. “I’m dealing with it.”
Her eyebrows jumped. “Dealing with it? What does that mean?”
“I mean, I feel shit for her.”
She led me down another aisle filled with night lights and glow in the dark crap. “Good shit?”
“Yes. Very good, good shit. But she just got out of a relationship with that asswipe, and she told me a while back that she wasn’t looking to be anyone’s old lady. We’re hanging out, and it’s…good between us.”
“Oh, good.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I know she likes me. She hasn’t been shy about that, but I keep thinking, maybe it isn’t about me, maybe—”
“It’s about Dig?”
“Yeah. It’s just a voice in the back of my head. But, yeah, maybe it’s her vicarious hero worship of my dead best friend who saved her life when she was a teenager.”
“Have you asked her?”
“No, I haven’t asked her.”
“You’ve got to find out. If you really like her and want to pursue the relationship for real, you need to be straight-up with each other. Are you being straight-up with her?”
“Yeah, sure.”
She twisted her lips. “You need to be, so there aren’t any crazy, stupid misunderstandings and all sorts of petty bullshit.”
“You’re so damn smart.”
Grace pinched my side.
“Ow, woman!”
“What did you tell me a few months ago when my first surrogate miscarried, and I was flailing? You remember? You said, ‘Deal with your shit before it deals with you.’ You also told me to let Miller in, to let him really be there in my heart and not let go. How are you and Jill going to work if you’re only letting her part of the way in, and you’re not sure if she’s all in either?”
“You think I don’t know this?”
“Boner, if you have feelings for the girl, you should pursue it and live those feelings. Enjoy them. My sister only had a few years with her husband and her son, but she enjoyed that time, appreciated that kind of happiness. You deserve that kind of happiness too. You so deserve it, honey.” She stopped walking and pressed her lips together, sucking in a short breath through her nose, her eyes watering. “You’ve been alone
for way too long, and I don’t know why that is.”
I shrugged. “I’ve never been normal. So what?”
She leaned into me. “You’re very, very special to me. I know there’s plenty you haven’t shared with me. Maybe you can’t because it’s just too painful. I respect that. Whatever it is though, please don’t let it get in the way of you and Jill, if you really want to be with her.”
I stared at my boots and took in a breath.
“Boner?”
“I’ve never had this before, babe,” I whispered. “This sort of good through and through.”
“And you’re not sure what to do with it? Is that it?”
“No, I know what to do with it, and before you ask, I’m not afraid of it either. I want to soak myself in it, in her. I just don’t want it to get taken away, like everything and everybody else.”
“I know. But we don’t have control over that, do we?”
I might.
Her hazel eyes searched mine. “You’ve got to let that go. Otherwise, there’s no room for anything else. That’s what I had to do. You do it, too. Let it go, and soak in it.” She hugged me, planting a kiss on my cheek. “I’m so happy for you. Please, please, Boner, be happy, too. This isn’t a burden. It’s a new kind of freedom.”
Freedom? Not for me.
“Boner, you okay?”
“Yeah.” I picked up a bag of spongy bath toys that had fallen on the floor and put it back on the shelf with the others. “It’s fun between me and Jill. No pressure. Plus, she’s thinking about what she wants to do with her life. She’s had to deal with a lot of shit from her past, and that sucks. We know how that feels, and I don’t want that for her. I just…”
“What?”
“I just wonder if she sees me as one of her new possibilities or if I’m just good enough for now.”
Grace didn’t say a word. We both stood still, right there in the middle of baby car seats, her hands gripping my jacket.
We both knew too well the cost of tiny hopes and the pang of wanting to feel those hopes grow and survive, but not sure if they ever would. For years Grace and I both yearned to live that other life that was always just beyond our fingertips. Convinced we weren’t worthy, we rarely—if ever—reached toward it. We had avoided it, surrounding ourselves in the bland, the tasteless, the dull, the stale. But, there came a time when you recognized it, and wanted it more than your next breath, when you’d do anything—just fucking anything—to taste it, to have it for yourself.