Finding Perfect

by Susan Mallery

  Raoul put his arm around her. She leaned into him and hung on.

  The screen changed and she saw a single word.

  Pregnant.

  There was no misunderstanding that.

  Her body went cold, then seemed to heat from the inside. Her stomach flopped over, making her wonder if she was going to throw up. Reality loomed, like a really big storm, but she couldn’t take it all in. Pregnant. She was pregnant.

  “You did it!” Raoul crowed, then grabbed her around the waist and spun her in the center of the room. “You’re going to be a mom.”

  He sounded delighted. She felt like she was going to pass out, although that could have been from the world blurring around her.

  A mom? Her? “I can’t,” she whispered.

  He set her down. “Sure you can. This is great, Pia. The embryos implanted. This is great news.”

  Intellectually, she could agree. This is what Crystal wanted. But in her gut, she was deathly afraid of screwing up.

  “I have to sit down,” she said, making her way over to a kitchen chair and dropping onto it. She closed her eyes and focused on breathing.

  Pregnant. Right now there were babies growing inside of her. Babies who would be born and become actual children, then real people. Babies who would depend on her and expect her to take care of them.

  Raoul pulled up a chair and sat across from her. He took her hand in his. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t think I can do this. I can’t have children. I don’t know how.”

  “Don’t they do all the hard work themselves?”

  “The forming and growing, maybe, but then what? They’re going to have expectations. I’m not prepared for this.”

  He leaned toward her. “You have eight and a half months and I’ll help.”

  “You’re going to be my pregnancy buddy.” She pulled her hand free and stood. “Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate the support. But I’m less concerned about being pregnant than what comes after. I’m going to have to buy stuff. I haven’t got a clue what. There must be a list somewhere, right? On the Internet?”

  He rose. “I’m sure there is.”

  “And I’ll need to move. This place is too small. I’ll need a house.” She made okay money, but it wasn’t a fortune. Could she afford a house? “And there’s college. I should start saving, but I don’t know what to invest in. I don’t understand the stock market.”

  He moved close and put his hands on her shoulders. “One thing at a time,” he told her. “Relax. Breathe. I can help with all this. We’ll find you a great place, and I can get you the best investment advice available. It’s going to be okay, Pia. I promise.”

  She nodded, because that was the expected thing to do. And sure, he would help and she would appreciate it. But when the babies were born, his work was done. He would walk away and she would be left on her own. With triplets.

  “THIS IS FUN,” JENNY SAID as she ran the wand over Pia’s belly. “I don’t usually do ultrasounds this early.” She kept her gaze on the monitor. “You know we won’t be able to see anything specific. Just whether the embryos have implanted.”

  “I know,” Pia whispered, hanging on to Raoul’s hand with all her strength. Under normal circumstances she would worry about hurting him, but he was a tough football player. She was sure he could take it.

  Besides, he’d offered to come with her to the doctor’s office. If any part of this freaked him out, he would have to deal with it himself.

  She’d had less than forty-eight hours to get used to the idea of being pregnant. So far the information hadn’t become any more real. She alternated between shock and panic. Neither was especially comfortable.

  She’d tried a little reading from the pregnancy books she’d bought, but that only made things worse. Knowing the statistical odds of getting hemorrhoids by the end of term wasn’t exactly the sort of information she was looking for.

  “Okay,” Jenny said cheerfully. “Let me get the doctor.”

  Pia waited until the tech left, then turned to Raoul. “Did we know she was going to do that? Is it okay she’s getting Dr. Galloway?”

  He bent over her, smoothing her hair back with his free hand. “It’s fine. She said she would be getting the doctor before she started. This is all routine, Pia. You’re doing great.”

  Did all mothers-to-be feel such a numbing sense of responsibility? Because whatever happened wasn’t just about her—it was also about Crystal and Keith.

  “I want them to be all right. The babies. I hate being scared all the time.”

  “You need to relax. Keep breathing.”

  She did her best. Fortunately, Dr. Galloway returned quickly and stood by the monitor as Jenny moved the wand.

  “There they are,” the doctor said, pointing at the screen. “We have three implantations.” The older woman smiled. “Good for you, Pia. They’re all in place.”

  Pia stared at the screen, trying to see what they were pointing at. It all looked blurry to her, but she didn’t care. It was enough to know that for now, everything was going the way it was supposed to.

  Although, honestly, the thought of triplets was enough to send anyone over the edge. Two months ago, she’d had a cat who didn’t like her. Now she was carrying triplets.

  Dr. Galloway wiped off her stomach. “Go ahead and get dressed, Pia. We’ll meet in my office and discuss what happens next.”

  Pia nodded.

  Raoul helped her to sit up, then waited as she got to her feet.

  “I’m right here,” he told her.

  She nodded because speaking seemed impossible.

  After dressing, she went out into the hall. Raoul was waiting. He took her hand in his and led the way to the doctor’s office.

  She went in first, trying to smile at Dr. Galloway.

  “You’ve begun the journey,” the other woman told her. “I’m so proud of you, Pia. Not many people would do what you’re doing.”

  Probably because they were sane, she thought as she took a seat. Raoul settled next to her.

  “What’s next?” he asked.

  “Many things,” Dr. Galloway said, pulling out papers and brochures. “A multiple birth brings much joy but also a few challenges. We know early and can make the preparations. Pia, you need to focus on good food and good sleep. You’re healthy and I don’t foresee any problems, but we will take a few precautions.”

  She passed over the papers. “I want to see you in a month. I’ll be monitoring you more closely than if you were carrying only one baby. Between now and then, do the reading I’ve highlighted. You can call the office with any questions. Everything will be fine.”

  Pia thought about pointing out there was no way the doctor could actually know that, but why state the obvious? She and Raoul said their goodbyes and somehow made it to the parking lot. She knew, because suddenly they were standing by his sleek, red car. She stared at him across the low roof and saw he looked as stunned as she felt.

  “So it’s not just me,” she said. “That makes me feel better.”

  “I was faking it,” he admitted, then swore. “Triplets. Did you see them on the screen?”

  “No, but I wasn’t looking too hard. I’m already weirded out by the whole thing.”

  “They’re real,” he said slowly. “The babies were just an idea before, but they’re going to be born. You’re having triplets.”

  She nodded, wishing people would stop saying that. She didn’t need the pressure. Then she looked more closely at him. There was something odd in his eyes. A tightness.

  He was going to tell her he couldn’t do it, she thought sadly. That this was more than he’d signed on for. Not that she blamed him. She was living in stunned disbelief, as well. But for her, there was no going back. The babies were in her body, doing their thing.

  Even though a part of her wanted to beg him not to abandon her, she knew that wasn’t fair. He’d already been more than generous. The right thing, the honorable thing, was to release him. Sort of a �
��Go with God” moment.

  “It’s okay,” she told him. “I understand. I’m going into a place that makes me uncomfortable. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling. You’ve been great and I thank you for everything. Please don’t feel obligated to do anything more.”

  He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m giving you an out. You don’t have to be my pregnancy buddy anymore.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “You look like you want to bolt. I get that.”

  He walked around the car and stood in front of her. Despite her heels, the man still loomed over her. He was close enough that she had to tilt her head to meet his gaze.

  “I’m not running,” he said. “But you’re right about one thing. I don’t want to be your pregnancy buddy anymore.”

  She hoped her disappointment didn’t show. She refused to think about going through the pregnancy by herself. Once she got home, she would have a big hissy fit, followed by a breakdown. But for now, she would stay in control. “I understand.”

  He took her hand again. He seemed to do that a lot. The problem was she liked it—too much. And now she was going to lose the hand-holding and pretty much everything else when it came to him.

  “No,” he said. “You don’t. Pia, I want more. I want to marry you.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  RAOUL HADN’T PLANNED TO PROPOSE, but he wasn’t completely surprised by what he’d said. He’d been thinking about her a lot lately, about the babies she carried and their future. He admired her and respected her. Despite her fear and worry, she’d plowed ahead, taking each next logical step. His desire to help was something he’d learned from Hawk—to step in and make a difference.

  He also hadn’t been able to get Keith out of his mind. The man had died fighting for his country. He would have assumed that Crystal would go ahead and have their children. He would have believed his family would go on. Thanks to Pia—it would. But it wasn’t right that she do all this alone.

  Pia stared at him, her eyes wide, her mouth open. She tried to speak, swallowed, then said, “Excuse me? What?”

  “I want to marry you.”

  She shook her head slightly, as if not sure of her hearing. She looked stunned and a little dizzy. He wondered if he should get her into the car so she could sit. She solved the problem by opening the door herself and slumping into the seat.

  He went around to the other side and got in, then he angled toward her.

  “I mean it, Pia. Marry me.”

  “Why?”

  A reasonable question, he thought. “I admire what you’re doing. Most people would have run in the opposite direction, but you didn’t. And don’t say you had doubts and questions. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be competent to have the children.”

  He leaned toward her. “I’ve seen a lot of different kind of people in my life. Those who give and those who take. Those who think about others and those who think about themselves. I’ve told you about my coach and how he changed everything for me. Nicole opened her home and her heart to me. They taught me what’s important. I want to do what they did—make a difference to someone.”

  Her expression of shock changed to something that looked a lot like annoyance. “Thanks, but I’m not interested in being your charity case of the week.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean.”

  “It’s what you’re saying.”

  He reached for her hands, but she snatched them back. “Don’t.”

  She was pissed. Damn. He’d screwed up. “Pia, I’m saying this wrong. I want to take care of you. That’s all. I want to be there for you and the babies. I want to be a part of your lives.”

  “If you’re so hell-bent on being a husband and father, go marry someone else and have your own kids.”

  “I tried that,” he admitted. “And failed.”

  “One divorce,” she muttered. “Big deal. It happens to more than half of marriages. So what? Try again.”

  “That’s what I want to do. With you.”

  They were words Pia had never thought she would hear. A proposal of marriage. Only everything about the situation was wrong. Okay—not the man. He was pretty amazing, but she didn’t want him proposing like this. Out of some weird sense of obligation to a former mentor. She wasn’t interested in being anyone’s merit-badge project.

  “You can’t fix whatever’s wrong with you by marrying me,” she told him. “Go get therapy.”

  She’d thought the words would annoy him, but he simply smiled at her.

  “Do you really think that’s what I’m doing?”

  “Yes. You don’t love me. We haven’t even dated.” There’d been that single, amazing night, but that wasn’t enough to build a relationship on.

  She supposed on some level she should be flattered he was offering to help, but instead she felt cheated. Even though she’d never had a relationship get to the “I love you, please marry me” stage, she’d always dreamed one day it would happen. That the man of her dreams would propose.

  But it was supposed to be a romantic event—a magical time. Not a mercy offer made in a medical parking lot.

  “Pia, I like you a lot,” he said, sounding annoyingly earnest. “I respect and admire you. You’re smart, funny, charming and you lead with your heart. You’ve given up your life to have your friend’s children. How many people would do that?”

  The switch in subject startled her. “Crystal left me her embryos. What was I supposed to do? Ignore them?”

  “That’s my point. You couldn’t. You had to take care of your friend, even after she was gone. I might not have known Crystal, but I did know her husband. I can’t explain it, but I know that I owe him. These are his kids, too. I want to take care of you. Of them.”

  The Keith part made sense, she thought. But marriage? “You barely know me.” Although she had to admit his assessment of her character had been very flattering.

  “I know enough. Is it that you don’t know me? Ask me anything. What do you want to know?”

  She felt as if she’d stepped into an alternate universe. “I don’t know enough to figure out what to ask.”

  “Then I’ll tell you.” This time when he reached for her hand, she let him. “You know about parts of my past. I told you I had a serious girlfriend in high school. I was crazy about her. I never even looked at another girl while I was with her. I never cheated. Once we broke up, I had my wild times, but after Hawk got me on the right track, I calmed down. I dated a lot of women, but one at a time. When Caro and I started dating, that was it. I was all in.”

  He shifted in his seat, as if trying to get closer to her. As if his words weren’t enough to convince her and that he would use the magnetism of his presence to tip the scale in his favor.

  “When I commit, I give a hundred percent. It doesn’t matter if it’s football or marriage or my business. I’ll be there for you.”

  She felt overwhelmed. Everything was happening too fast. Worse—she was tempted. Hearing that a guy was “all in” was a leap-without-bothering-to-look-first moment if there ever was one.

  It wasn’t love. She understood that. Raoul wanted a family without the trauma of giving his heart. He wanted to help her and Keith, and in return he got all the trappings of family without a whole lot of risk.

  “I have my flaws,” he continued. “I can be impatient. I’m not a morning person and can push back to try to get my way. But I can be reasoned with.” He touched her cheek with his free hand. “I’d never hurt you.”

  She had a feeling he meant what he said. But no one could promise not to hurt another. It didn’t work that way.

  “Raoul, you’re being really nice, but this isn’t going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Marriage? It’s a huge step and we barely know each other.”

  “I want you.”

  As much as she wanted to bask in the words, she couldn’t. “No, you want a cause.”

  “So you get to be some
one who loves your friend, but I’m just a guy doing a good deed? You’re not the biological mother to these babies, but you’re giving up your life to take care of them. Why can’t I want to do the same? That’s what I’m offering. You need support and a partner. I want a wife and kids. I want to be their dad. Permanently. Yes, getting married is a practical solution for both of us, but that doesn’t make it any less real.”

  She stared into his eyes, wishing she could see down to his heart. Did he mean it?

  “Define real,” she said softly.

  “The whole thing. A ring, a judge, a piece of paper. We’ll live together, raise the kids together. I’d like it if you’d take my name, but I’ll pretend it’s okay if you don’t. We’ll be listed as the parents on the birth certificates. We’ll buy a house, make love, argue, make up, raise kids, get a dog and grow old together. I’m not talking temporary, Pia. I’m offering you everything I have. I’ll be a husband to you and a full-time father to those kids. And if you decide to leave me, you can take me to the cleaners in court.”

  He was saying all the right things, but more than that, he seemed to believe them. Which made her want to believe him.

  She would admit to being tempted. On a practical level, having someone to depend on while raising triplets would be amazing. Raoul had already shown he was responsible and supportive. On a personal level, she did like him—probably more than she should. The thought of sharing a bed with him for the next fifty years was kind of exciting.

  He wasn’t offering her love. At least he was honest about it. She’d always expected to fall madly in love at some point, but it hadn’t happened yet. And once she had kids, what were the odds? Was a practical marriage based on mutual need such a bad thing?

  “What about kids of your own?” she asked.

  “I’m hoping you’ll agree in a couple of years. Wouldn’t you like a baby of your own, too?”

  She nodded slowly. That, too, had been part of her fantasy. And Raoul offered an enticing gene pool.

  “I meant what I said,” he told her. “I’m all in, Pia. I’ll be there for you, no matter what. I’ll be your husband and partner in every way possible. I give you my word. You’ll be able to count on me until the day I die.”