“I think —”
“I am so sorry, Samuel.” She forged ahead. “It was wrong of me, and I have suffered for it more than you will ever know. I feel so terribly wretched.”
As do I. One thing in particular that she had said bothered him. It broke my heart that Grace would refuse you … If Helen had truly been saddened that he and Grace were not to marry …
Then it seems unlikely that Helen has developed any true feelings for me.
“How have you suffered?” he asked.
Her brow furrowed, as if perplexed by his question. “I regret intruding on your privacy. You were so sorrowful that morning in the garden, and I foolishly thought you might welcome my company.”
“I did welcome it,” he said, then recalled her awkwardness and remembered that he hadn’t particularly wished for her to join him.
“You see?” Helen said, and Samuel realized she must have read the truth on his face. “Later, when I heard you with Grace, I was angry with her for teasing you on such a solemn day, but then I realized she was teasing you from your sorrow. That is something I could never do.” Helen wrung her hands and gave him a look that spoke of misery. “And then your proposal was so beautiful, so I was sad for you again — that Grace could hurt you so. Yet after seeing her with Lord Sutherland, I knew she must refuse your offer.”
Pity. Pity is all she feels for me. Disappointment enveloped Samuel. “Do not worry yourself on my account.” He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice. “Any hardship in that situation I brought entirely upon myself. I encouraged Grace to care for Nicholas, so she did. I have encouraged you to consider becoming a governess, and so you have.” Still a terrible idea. Another one — one he had not before considered — struck him.
Perhaps Helen had hoped her sister and I would marry so she might stay on as a governess for Beth. He had no doubt that Helen loved his daughter. It was Samuel’s turn to look away, staring out at the rain and feeling very dismal. “It would appear that I am good at giving advice to beautiful young ladies in need.”
“Is that so awful?” Helen asked.
Yes. “Of course not.” He faced her once more, a falsely bright smile in place. “What would be awful is if you were become ill from staying too long in wet clothes. I promised Christopher that I would take care of you, and if he catches us like this, he will think little of my promise.” Samuel gazed at her tenderly and knew he would always think of Helen as she was now, at this very moment, standing in his gazebo, drenched yet looking more beautiful than he had a right to notice.
“Thank you for accompanying me to look after Beth,” he said rather brusquely. “And now we had best hurry inside and prepare for our visitor this evening.” He held his arm out to her from habit, and when Helen placed her hand upon it, he assumed it was from the same.
Not because she has developed any particular affection for me. Not at all.
Helen waited inside the door of the “big-person dining room,” as Beth had named it in December, when she’d been allowed — until the fork incident — to dine with them.
Christopher entered the room. “Lord Sutherland and Samuel have just finished their discussion about Beth,” he whispered, sending Helen a look filled with meaning. The focus of their evening was about to shift drastically — to Grace.
“Time for my most convincing act ever,” Helen said. Except that it is no act. Pretending to be in love with Samuel was not difficult at all. There was no pretending.
Lord Sutherland entered the room, his gaze drawn to them immediately. Helen smiled, and though he did not return it, he did not appear as fierce as before. Instead, a sort of haunting sadness lurked in his eyes as he searched the room, no doubt looking for Grace.
Helen felt she understood something of his sadness. Soon enough, her time with Samuel would be over, and she would be the one unable to smile.
They took their seats. Lord Sutherland, appearing rather concerned, spoke. “Is Grace ill again?”
“I hope not.” Samuel glanced at Christopher. “Was Grace well the last time you saw her?”
“It depends upon what you mean by the word well,” Helen said.
“What Helen means,” Christopher clarified, “is that Grace is healthy in body, but her spirits are quite low.”
“Why is that?” Lord Sutherland leaned back as a servant poured his drink. “Why is she not here with you?”
“She would not come,” Helen said. “It is too painful for her to be so near you.”
“So near me?” He stood and threw down his napkin. “That is absurd. She lived in my home for three months and endured my company quite well.”
“No small miracle,” Samuel muttered. Helen shot him a quelling look.
“Whatever she has told you is not true,” Lord Sutherland said. “I treated her with the utmost respect, gave her every courtesy, let her go when the blasted inheritance came through and Christopher made it clear you —” he glared at Samuel — “intended to propose.”
Christopher picked up his spoon and began sipping his soup. “Letting her go is the offense I believe she finds most painful.”
Helen and Samuel began eating, ignoring Lord Sutherland still towering above them, casting murderous glares at them all. Instead of withering beneath his anger, Helen felt surprisingly calm. Samuel is here. I am safe. It was a comfort she had grown far too used to.
And behind Lord Sutherland’s rage, she sensed his distress. He misses Grace. He still loves her very much.
“If she does not wish to reside here, then why are you not with her?” Lord Sutherland demanded, looking pointedly at Samuel. “If she were my fiancée, I would be with her instead of letting her go off alone to who knows where.”
“She was your fiancée.” Helen’s words were brave, but she kept her head down as she buttered her bread. “And you did let her go off alone.”
“I let her do what she’d wanted to do all along,” Lord Sutherland said defensively. “What she’d dreamed of and planned for years.”
“Dreams can change, milord.” Helen turned to Samuel. Mine have. He reached for her hand, taking it in his, causing her heart to race.
“What is this?” Lord Sutherland gestured to their joined hands.
“This,” Samuel said, “is why I asked you here tonight. Helen and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other, and I should like your blessing in courting her with the intent that she shall become my wife.” His look seemed to convey all the meaning she put into hers, and Helen desperately wished to believe it — to believe that his words were true and that he did want her for his wife. She could not pull her eyes from his and felt somewhat dazed by the look of tenderness and affection he was showering upon her.
Lord Sutherland, appearing stunned himself, took up his wine glass, tilted his head, and threw the drink back quickly, draining the contents. He still had not sat down. “Helen?” he gasped when he had finished. “It is Helen you wish to marry. Not Grace?”
“Grace would not have him,” Christopher said matter-of-factly, taking another bite of meat.
Lord Sutherland directed his questioning gaze at Helen.
“It is true,” she said, distilling all but the slightest wistfulness from her voice. “As I knew it would be all along. Her letters were full of stories about you, Lord Sutherland. We could all tell, very early on, that it was you she was falling in love with. It was why we encouraged her to stay.”
Samuel nodded slowly, confirming their story. “I did care for her,” he admitted. “But my affection was never returned, and my feelings for Grace were never what they are for Helen. I only wish it had not taken me so long to come to a realization of what was right in front of me —what I had near for so long yet failed to recognize or appreciate.”
Could he possibly mean those words? Helen’s heart beat rapidly as hope surged. He sounded so sincere.
Lord Sutherland glanced at the door as if he wished to leave — immediately. They stared at him, collectively holding their breath.
Will he believe us? I believe us — or I want to.
“Will you tell me where she is?” Lord Sutherland asked at last.
Helen bit her lip to keep from shouting for joy.
“I’ll do better than that,” Samuel said, unable to contain a grin. “I’ll take you to her.”
“Best performance ever,” Christopher said when Lord Sutherland had gone home and the three of them had retired to the drawing room. “You almost had me convinced that you’ve fallen in love with each other.” He raised his glass to toast them. “To Helen and Samuel and their talents working together to bring Grace happiness.”
Neither Helen nor Samuel joined in his toast. Samuel raised his glass but did not drink. Helen sank lower in her favorite chair opposite Samuel’s by the fire.
I have but one more evening with him.
It had been decided at dinner that she and Christopher would travel to Grace at the country house the day after tomorrow. Samuel and Lord Sutherland would follow within the week, as soon as Lady Sutherland had been notified and the necessary arrangements could be made for a hasty wedding.
Once he’d realized Grace was not in love with Samuel but was still in love with him, Lord Sutherland had become a man of action. He would have begun his journey at once, that very night, had Samuel and Christopher not persuaded him to more logical steps — meaning that Lord Sutherland would not only go to retrieve Grace as soon as possible, but that he would marry her quickly as well, putting an end, once and for all, to their separation and misery.
But just beginning mine. Helen would likely be expected to stay with Christopher at the country house after Grace wed. Miranda and Harrison were there, too, so it would not be all bad. Truthfully, it would be much as her life before.
Without Father to interfere. But without Samuel and Beth to love.
Helen pushed the thought aside, knowing it would bring tears; and she could not cry now, here, in front of Christopher and Samuel. She would have ample time for that later.
“You’re quiet tonight, sister,” Christopher said. Setting his glass down, he came to sit on the nearby sofa. “Already contemplating the next part of our plan?”
“What next part?” She had done what she said she would. It had worked. Her usefulness here was over.
“Yes,” Samuel joined in, sounding rather out of sorts himself. “What next part? We are finished here. Let the poor girl rest.”
I am not a poor girl. Helen fumed inwardly, upset that so quickly he would return to speaking of her as a child as he used to.
“You have but one task more to perform, so as to quite thoroughly convince Lord Sutherland of your affection.” Christopher leaned against the back of the sofa, one leg thrown casually over the other, a sly grin on his face. “You must share a farewell kiss when we take our leave of this place.”
“No!” As before, when Christopher had first introduced this preposterous scheme, they both spoke at once, but this time there was no hesitation.
“How could you, Christopher?” Helen knew he was baiting her to anger, but she could not seem to help herself from exhibiting her fury. How dare he suggest such a thing when he knew how she felt about Samuel?
I cannot kiss him. It will make our parting that much worse.
“I can because I must,” Christopher said. “You have never been kissed, and surely Lord Sutherland will expect as much of a couple planning to be married.”
“He will not expect it,” Helen insisted. “He knows I am shy.”
“As shy as you were tonight, when you so boldly stood up to him? Or when you openly held hands with Samuel and made eyes at each other at the table?”
“We did no such —”
“Nicholas will not be here to see us part,” Samuel interrupted, saving her from embarrassing herself and lying as well. She could only imagine what she had looked like, lost in Samuel’s tender display of affection as she had been earlier this evening.
That is all it was. A display.
“On the contrary,” Christopher said. “Lord Sutherland most certainly will be here to see us off. I told him to come the morning we depart and that I would share with him the map outlining the best route to take.”
“You might have done that another time,” Helen said irritably, clasping her hands in her lap to keep from strangling him.
“I might have,” Christopher said, his grin broadening. “But I did not.”
Not trusting herself to keep control of her fragile and overwrought emotions, Helen stood and made to take her leave. “Good night, Samuel. I apologize for my brother’s — audacity,” she said, lacking a more appropriate word. She hurried past Christopher. “Thank you for ruining one of my last nights here.”
He caught her wrist. “Not so fast. You’d best practice that kiss. I shall watch to see if it is convincing.”
“Enough!” Samuel said, standing also. “The country has not helped your manners,” he said to Christopher and came to stand beside Helen. “Your sister has done nothing to deserve such torture.”
“I apologize,” Christopher said, sounding only half sincere. “I did not mean to distress either of you, but this seems the last and logical conclusion to your pretend courtship. And as Helen has never been kissed —”
“I believe we have established as much,” Helen snapped. She felt her face burn and wished, as she had not for the past several weeks, since before this pretense began, that she might disappear.
“I will see to it that Helen is adequately prepared,” Samuel said, not meeting her astonished gaze, but staring pointedly at Christopher. “But it will not be here, tonight when she is not expecting it. And most certainly, her first kiss will not be in a drawing room with her brother looking on.” He held out his arm to her. “Come Helen. I’ll walk you upstairs.”
Together they turned their backs on Christopher and exited the room, one in purpose yet again, though Helen could feel no victory in their unification against sharing a kiss. For as much as the idea terrified her, she could not deny that a kiss from Samuel was suddenly something she wanted very much.
A first kiss is a special thing and must be undertaken with the proper amount of preparation. Timing, location, and of course the person whom you shall kiss, are all of the utmost importance. Should you feel ready to experience your first kiss (and only if you feel ready — do not let that dunderhead brother of yours force you to it!) meet me at the gazebo at sunset.
Yours, Samuel
Helen reread the note left beside her breakfast plate a third time, then clutched it to her, a treasure she was certain she would keep forever. As will be the memory of my first kiss. She had every intention of meeting Samuel that evening at sunset. And though that was a good eight hours from now, her heart beat rapidly in anticipation.
Still holding the letter close and feeling rather dreamy, she started toward the stairs.
“Miss Helen, are you ready to play?” Beth called from above, a second before she began sliding backwards down the banister.
“Goodness,” Helen exclaimed, catching her at the bottom. “This is a new trick — and not one I am certain your father will like.”
“Mama used to do it.” Beth beamed. “Uncle Nicholas says I am just like her.”
“A high compliment indeed,” Helen said, feeling slightly less happy at the reminder of Elizabeth as she tucked the note into her pocket. The last woman Samuel had kissed was his wife.
Whom he still loves dearly. And whom he imagines himself to be conversing with this very moment in the garden. Will he tell her of me?
Helen tried to imagine the one-sided conversation but could not, though she guessed it included his asking Elizabeth’s pardon for a kiss he must give to a poor girl who would otherwise never experience one.
He is humoring me; that is all, Helen thought, her mood turning quite glum. And making certain that I am prepared, lest Lord Sutherland really does appear at the moment of our departure. No longer quite so certain that she wished to meet Samuel this even
ing, Helen took Beth’s hand and began the climb to the nursery, resigned to, but finding less satisfaction in, resuming her role as a governess in training.
Eight hours later Helen peeked around the corner of the house. Samuel stood inside the gazebo, his silhouette highlighted in the setting sun. Pulling her cloak tighter, she took a deep breath and willed her heartbeat to steady. She had been here several minutes already, arguing with herself, trying to decide which course of action was best.
Kissing Samuel was a poor idea that would only bring more heartache. On the other hand, if she did not take advantage of this unique opportunity, might she spend the rest of her life regretting it? This was likely to be the only kiss she would ever receive, and from the only man she would ever care for.
I should allow him to kiss me. I must.
Before she could change her mind yet again, Helen stepped from the shelter of the house and into plain view. She held her head high as she walked toward the gazebo and Samuel, who still had his back to her. When she was close enough that he might hear, she called out to him.
“Good evening, Samuel.”
He turned suddenly, a look that almost seemed a combination of relief and happiness lifting the corners of his mouth and deepening the brown of his eyes. “You came.” He walked forward, his hand held out to her as she ascended the steps.
“I had to — I wanted to,” she clarified, lest he think Christopher had forced her to it. Beneath Samuel’s searching gaze, she felt her face heat.
He brushed his fingers gently across her cheek. “You are very pretty when you blush. Has anyone ever told you that?”
She shook her head. “Not until now.”
“Good. The person who gives you your first kiss ought to compliment you as no one has before. For example ...” His hand fell from her face. “You are the finest three-person waltz dancer I know.” He held his hand to the side of his mouth and whispered, “Though you must not tell that to the third in our party. She would be most upset with me.”
Loving Helen (A Hearthfire Romance Book 2) Page 18