by SJ Molloy
“What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing in our bed?” he rants his face screwed up as if he is disgusted. I have never heard him shout so loud or so vehemently. His eyes gloss over her then he tsks with disgust and turns around to face me. “Get yourself fucking dressed.” He orders but doesn’t look back over his shoulder. He mumbles and curses then softens his voice and tries to reach to cup my face to look at me.
I must look like a deer caught in head lights because I simply can’t understand this mindfuck. Stepping back, I throw my hand over my mouth and almost retch against my palm.
Lucca’s eyes flare with fear, with panic. “No, baby, this is not what you think. I had no idea. She has broken in. I have not seen this woman in over a year. This has nothing to do with me. I have been with you all night.” He tenses and runs his fingers through his hair. So he does know who she is and has history with her. That is all I need to hear to finish me. I’m destroyed.
History.
Fucking history.
Here we go again!
“Earlier when I said you had a colourful past, I had no idea it was so vivid! You really surprise and hurt me at every turn.” Tears stream down my face, and I use my hand to wipe under my nose. Why I’m still standing here is beyond me. Lucca pulls me into him to try and soothe me. He hears the fury and crackle in my voice and unlike earlier when the fire was lighting, now my voice is blazing. Meanwhile, sassy slut probably loves the show we are both putting on no doubt.
I push him away. “Don’t you fucking touch me!” I scream at him.
“No, Lexi, no this is not what you think. I am every bit as shocked and angry as you. She needs to get the fuck out of here and we need to talk. Christ, I cannot believe I am hurting you again and not on purpose, dolcezza. I fucking hate this, hate tonight, hate myself. Lexi, please, baby. It shreds me that again you are hurt. Jesus … I …” He sounds broken. I’ve heard this tone before.
“We … do … not … need … to … do …anything!” I babble and curse while poking him in his chest with my finger. He doesn’t flinch. He stands with his eyes pressed closed and lets me have my outburst, prodding and pressing his chest, but he’s strong and barely moves. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it.”
At my declaration he opens his stormy eyes, silently he pleads with me. He’s torn and hurt himself. It’s not enough. I can’t forgive him for this. He reaches for my wrist when he sees me shift to move away from it all.
“Get her … out of my fucking bed! I’m not going to ask again.” I’m hysterical, shaking and feeling sick and dizzy, holding my finger up, warning him, ready to storm out.
“I told you to get dressed. Do it now, so fucking help me God!” he shouts over his shoulder for her benefit with a deep growl in his throat, whereas he was softer and considerate talking to me.
“The key for the cuff is in my jeans pocket. I can’t exactly reach them.” It’s her sassy voice. She tugs the cuff to remind me. I look down at my feet and her jeans are on the floor where they fell. I pick up her jeans and throw them at her again, making sure they smack her right in the face, but sigh when the key falls out the pocket and onto the carpet somewhere under the bed and I’m not about to get on my hands and knees to look for it.
He reaches to cup my face and winces when I jerk back. “Come here, you need to calm down, let’s get out of this room and talk. Please, baby? You said you trusted me. Let me make this right. I am hurting for you, Lexi, and I feel like shit. This is the last thing I want you to see. I cannot stand seeing you like this,” he begs.
Good, and so he should feel awful because that’s nothing in comparison to how I feel right now. I feel shattered into a million pieces.
Trust? I don’t know what to believe anymore; finding someone naked in my bed doesn’t really fit well in my definition of trust. “Why don’t you save your breath. I feel sick and I’ve had enough. I was hurt, Lucca, really hurt earlier with Kimberley, but this is unbelievable. Do you know what? Sort out your own fucking mess. Un-cuff her and get her out of here, or do what you want with her,” I cry louder, holding my finger up in front of his face and having to push him hard before he takes hold of me to calm me because I know that’s what he’s twitching to do.
Not that I want Lucca to have to turn around and see her exposed body again, but I’m certainly not helping.
“Forget her. Come to bed and let the little prude watch and learn how a real woman satisfies a man like you.” She flicks her hand at me dismissively, her words hitting every insecurity I have. The sound of the handcuffs clinking against the headboard goes through me like fire, memories flash behind my eyes.
Wrists restrained by metal cuffs, blood dripping from her wrists and ankles, and the sheet between her legs stained with blood.
Her insult is the last straw. Lucca tells her to shut her fucking mouth, curses, and turns to look for the key.
I shake my head trying to dislodge the images in my head. Disgusted, devastated, and demolished.
Fuck!
File D for disappearing. Disappearing away from this nightmare.
That’s exactly what I’m doing. While he searches for the key, I turn and leave.
I storm out the room, pick one of her heels up, and throw it back against the door. I stomp quickly downstairs passing Rose on the way down. “Lexi, petal, is everything okay? I heard screaming, what’s going on? Are you okay, sweetheart?” Rose asks alarmed, looking at the state of my tear stained face.
“Rose, call the police, someone has broken in!” Rose flees upstairs quickly when she hears Lucca shouting for her help. At least he has the sense to shout for Rose to take care of the naked slut and ensure she gets out.
I don’t stop. I continue down stairs, grabbing my clutch and leaving the Givenchy shoes. Walking out, I press the code for the front gate, and I’m thankful that Peter and Doris are nowhere in sight. I know Lucca won’t be far behind me, so I do the only thing that makes sense to me when I react to pain and suffering, the only thing that has ever kept me safe … I run.
It’s fairly light outside and the streetlights are lit, so I know I’ll be fine until I can stop a taxi. Adrenaline and anger have my heart pumping as I run barefoot. I run and run, fuelled with rage. It’s second nature, running barefoot. I did it for the first nine years of my life when I was incarcerated. I’ve run in worse conditions; it doesn’t faze me in the slightest.
I’m aware it’s not that far until my own house, but Anna will be there and I don’t want to face her again tonight. I just need to run somewhere else. Run away from the hurt and the excruciating reality of tonight, so while my blood is boiling and my heart is crushing, I irrationally decide to run to Jessica’s house even though it’s late, it’s the next closest house.
Steve is working away on the oil rigs offshore of Aberdeen, so she’ll be alone. She’ll understand, and I know she won’t tell the other girls of my predicament if I ask her not to.
I run and run as best as I can with a ridiculous cocktail dress on and barefooted, trying to stay away from the main roads in case Lucca follows me. My feet are numb and only just recovering from the running expedition I’d endured in Tuscany down the dark rough country road, but blocking out the pain, I really don’t care about the soles of my feet. My heart is more important, and I can’t stay there, not with that slut in my bed.
I feel sick.
By the time I reach Jessica’s home, I’m a mess. The shaggy bun of my hair has long lost its style, and my wet curls cascade down my back, sticking to my damp shoulders and face. I hang onto the front step—sore, tired, and gasping for air. Just as I lean to rattle the front door, I hear a car quickly brake behind me.
Lucca throws open the car’s passenger door and runs towards me. He scoops me up and carries me towards the backseat of the car. I try and wriggle as I’m not ready to go home with him.
“Lucca, put me down. I’m not going back with you, not tonight.” As much as I will myself to forget this mess tonight and w
ish that I could turn back time and be blissfully snuggled in Lucca’s arms without any challenges, I can’t. It’s too raw.
“Stop it. You are coming back, and we will talk about this. What the hell are you thinking running barefoot again? I would have thought you would have learned your lesson in Tuscany. Jesus, Lexi, look at the goddamn fucking state of your soles again,” he protests.
“Lucca, I’m going to ask you one more time, put me down. I’m not coming home with you. Kimberley was enough to rile me tonight, but … then I come home to discover a blonde fucking bimbo in my bed, asking me to join in on a threesome while she gets herself off fucking naked in front of me! I’m done. It’s too much, and I can’t handle this.” Trembling, I sob against his muscular arm because I can’t look up at him and have no strength to break free.
I don’t want to see his eyes while I’m so furious. I’m afraid they will melt me and I’m too hurt to be crumbling just now. I think I might even hate him as much as I did immediately before my wrist operation in Tuscany.
He sighs and holds on tighter, his heart racing in a panic.
“Lucca, drop me now.” He doesn’t respond. “Now!” I scream. I can’t even relax in his embrace because I am so wound up. Ordinarily his protective arms around me would centre me, but tonight instead of feeling cherished and protected, I feel betrayed and used.
“No, I am not putting you down until I explain. She is a trespasser and a whore and has no right being in our home. You need to believe I had no part in this tonight, and it is cutting me up that you had to witness that,” he adds, pressing his nose and lips into my hair.
I’m still furious she was there in the first place. Even though Lucca played no part in tonight, it still should never have happened. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and tossed in the gutter. I’m sure my insecurities are contributing to my freak out, but I don’t know how else to cope with this. Then it occurs to me that normally I would have an anxiety attack when I feel challenged, stressed, hurt or scared. I haven’t had any chest pain because I think I am too angry to even start one; plus the adrenaline from running has my heart rate accelerated anyway. I hope an anxiety attack doesn’t start when or if my blood stops boiling.
The front door opens and a sleepy Jessica comes out. “What on earth is going on?” she asks, yawning and rubbing her eyes.
“Jess, tell him to put me down,” I beg.
“Lucca, please, just put her down. I don’t know what is going on, but you can talk about this tomorrow or come inside. It’s far too late for this out in the street.” Jessica tries to reason.
“Sorry, Jessica, I am taking her home. Where she belongs, with me. We need to talk and I cannot leave her. I … do not want to leave her.” He squeezes me tighter in his embrace and lowers his voice, aware we are causing a scene and places a kiss to the side of my head.
“No, you’re not. I’m staying here with Jess. I’m not going!” I shout, shaking my head side to side. Peter steps out of the car. “Please, Peter, tell Lucca to put me down. I need to stay here tonight. I’ll come back, but I need time on my own,” I sob, soaking Lucca’s sleeve with my tears.
“Lucca, do it now, son,” Peter demands.
Lucca reluctantly places me down on the slabs but grasps my hand. Breaking away, I stumble over to Jess. She puts her arm around me as I helplessly cry into her neck. “I don’t know what’s going on, but this is not okay,” she curses towards Lucca. I cry loudly, and I’m enraged with myself for crying in front of Peter.
Jess, being a great friend, comforts me. “Go inside. You can stay as long as you need, Lexi.” She strokes my hair and swings the door open fully.
“I’m so sorry, Jess,” I sob.
“Darlin’, don’t be. You have nothing to apologise for. Go inside, please. I want to speak with Lucca.” Jess sounds hard saying his name, repulsed by whatever he has done to inflict this pain on me.
Lucca is grey with anguish. He’s frantically pacing up and down, running his hands through his hair and kicking anything in his way. “Lexi, please do not do this. I need to explain. I have nothing to do with what went on back there, and you must know that. She knew the code to the gate and broke in through the window in the study. Peter and Rose were in bed so they missed her intruding and the alarm never went off because she was able to open the gate. Rose has called the police. You promised you would not leave. You said you would stay. Please, baby, I love you. I love you, Lexi. Do not leave me.” He falls on his knees in front of us. Breaking down.
Promise.
A promise is a promise.
I said I wouldn’t leave him, and yet I’m about to turn my back on him, just as Fran had done. I do feel a slight twinge of guilt, but the hurt of being betrayed is not only twinging at my heart it’s stabbing it, leaving a big empty hole.
Lowering my shoulders in exhaustion, I sigh. I need my own space because I’m so livid right now, and I don’t feel like I’m breaking any promises. I’m not leaving him. I just need some time out, and I want him to realise that I’m not accepting this nonsense … I’ll go back when I’m ready but it won’t be tonight. I need alone time.
I glance at Lucca on his knees with his head hanging forward and the sight of him vulnerable like that makes my heart ache even more. I need to be assertive before I change my mind. Jess watches me hesitate and takes my hand.
“You’re not seriously thinking of going back in that state are you?” Jess quizzes me, completely baffled. “Lex, you are too upset. You should probably stay here tonight. Let me call Hazel and have her come over.”
I inhale deeply through my nostrils, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and turn in to hug her tightly. She’s right. I do want Hazel right now. “I’m so sorry to cause a scene, and I’m sorry to bring you into this. I’m not going back. I want to stay here tonight if that’s okay?” I whisper so that Lucca and Peter don’t hear me.
“Yes, of course it is. I love you and I want to make sure you’re okay, Lexi.” She strokes my arm. I sniffle back some more sobs and hear Lucca catch his breath, as if he is trying to muffle a sob of his own. Peter looks at me with sympathetic eyes, the exact same sentiment I normally share with my grandpa. This only adds to my distress because Jess is being supportive and Peter is showing that he understands why I’m damn angry.
Jess’s kind words and sincerity just make me choke even more. “I know you do, I love you too. Thank you. Can you call Hazel to come over?” This time I don’t whisper. I want Lucca to know that I’m hurting that much that I want my friends around me. He will know if I’m calling in Hazel that I’m a mess, and it might even hurt him that I’m seeking comfort with my friends rather than with him.
My throat croaks as she wipes more tears from my cheek. I glance at Lucca again. He’s still kneeling on the concrete with his head bowed. Peter is standing next to the car patiently, shaking his head in that typical way a disapproving parent would.
Looking at Lucca like this reminds me of seeing him helpless like this in front of the altar in the cathedral in the Chianti Hills and the night at his parents’ villa when he admitted he loved me.
“Peter, can you please look after Doris for me tonight? I would really appreciate it. I’ll come back tomorrow at some point and get her but I’m going to stay here tonight.” I take a deep breath because I know Lucca is going to object.
Lucca lifts his head and stands on full alert. His eyes are wet, and he’s had a teary moment of his own while waiting on me. I knew it. He’s torn and I’m shredded. I just want to throw my arms around him, but I can’t right now.
“Absolutely, Lexi. Don’t you worry about her, she will be well looked after. Rose and I will take her out on a long walk in the morning. You come back when you’re ready. I’ll tell Rose not to expect you home tonight. Is there anything you would like me to bring for you?”
“No, I don’t need anything. Thank you, Peter,” I say loudly, making a point that I don’t need Lucca, but realistically that’s exactly what I
need. I need him so badly it’s crushing me because I can’t give in and I know it would be wrong for me to forgive him and this mess tonight. Even with the neediness I feel to have Lucca in my arms, there is no way I can back down. Not now.
“No! No … No, Lexi, I cannot go home without you. I need to speak with you, and I do not want to leave you like this. I cannot leave you here. Please, honey, come home with me. You promised,” Lucca pleads. He steps forward and reaches for me because he can’t help himself. I begin to rock now with my uncontrollable crying and fist my stomach.
“I can’t,” I sob. He takes my hand, and I know he wants to rub my engagement ring to remind me I’m his. Well, he can forget that shit.
“Don’t,” I snap. “I promised I wouldn’t leave, but I can’t stay with you tonight. I need to think. I’m so fucking angry, but you promised you’d give me my space, and that’s what I need, so don’t touch me. Stay away. I will come back when I am good and ready.”
“Fuck!” he shouts as he kicks the step in front of him in a rage because he’s completely defeated.
He runs his hands through his hair, then rubs his temple and forehead with his thumbs and middle fingers. Trying to ignore his agitation, I ask Jess to go inside and that I’ll be in, in a minute, then I address Peter.
“Thank you, Peter. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience tonight and thank you in advance for tomorrow. Can you give us a minute please?” He nods and sits back in the car to wait for Lucca.
“For fuck’s sake, Lexi, talk to me. I am so sorry you had to see that, so goddamn sorry. I don’t want to leave without you. Please reconsider. We will talk all night until we sort this out. You cannot leave me, I love you.” I see a tear leave his eye and run down his cheek.