by SJ Molloy
He runs his hand through his hair then gently lifts her hand away from his chest. “I agree, it is completely unacceptable and it will never happen again. Lexi and I need to talk and work this out. I know you are both angry, and you have every right to be. Jesus, do you not think that I am a mess right now seeing Lexi like this, and also infuriated about what happened last night? I hate to see Lexi hurt, and I am not giving up on convincing her that this will never happen again.” He cocks his head, rubbing his hand over his cheek and chin.
“Well good. You better grovel hard and sort this shit out.” Hazel softens her tone. Lucca’s hand has moved from his jaw his forehead, where pinches his brow with his middle finger and thumb.
He turns his pleading eyes to me, “Doc, please come home with me. I am not leaving here without you.” He winces before running his tongue back and forth over his bottom lip, sighs, and locks eyes with me again.
Walking forward, I reach for Hazel, hug her, and quietly talk near her ear. “Thank you for helping me, for caring, and for looking out for me. I’m going to go with Lucca, but I won’t talk to him until later, once I catch up on sleep and sort my head out. Don’t tell Cameron about what happened. He’ll go crazy and it’s complicated now that Anna’s in the mix.”
“Okay, I won’t. You sure you want to go with Lucca?” she asks. I nod and kiss her temple. “Remember what I said. Make him stew and suffer. Phone me or text if you want me to come and get you later on.”
“Okay.” I squeeze her hand finally.
Without saying another word, I brush past Lucca and head towards the car, open the passenger door, and slide in. I notice his body relax with relief that I’m going home with him. Hazel gives Lucca a final grilling because I see her lips moving, eyes narrowing, and head shaking before she gets in her little Renault Clio.
Lucca slides in the car and exhales the breath he’s been holding. He reaches for my face and cups it in both hands. “Lexi … thank you for coming home with me. Fuck! You have been crying this morning too. Baby, I am …” He pinches his eyes closed then wipes under my eyes with his thumbs. He breathes raggedly then leans over to try and kiss me.
“Don’t!” Pulling my face out of his hands, I wrap my arms around my chest, turn, and look out of the window. “I never slept last night and I need more time. I’m tired and I don’t want to talk just now.”
He inhales deeply through his nostrils, jaw clenching, and chest expanding. “Okay. Have you eaten anything?” He asks with concern.
“No.” One word that’s all he’s getting.
“Are you hungry?” I feel him study my body, scan every inch of me as if he is looking for signs … damages? Cuts? Bruises? I just don’t know. If he could see my heart, he’d find all the damage is there.
“No.” I sigh.
He starts the ignition, the radio switching on and breaking up a certain level of hostility. “Are your feet sore? Is the damage bad? Will you let me look at them when we get home?”
“No and no.” I know he’s trying to care for me and strike up conversation and I’m being dry. He’s lucky I’m talking to him at all. The atmosphere is thick with tension, a haunting feeling of unspoken words circling around us.
“Just drive, Lucca. I want to go to bed.” He looks out his own window, staring, collecting his thoughts, then returns his focus to driving. Other than the annoying pop song on the radio, the journey is silent. The next song to play is Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” I have to scoff audibly at the irony. Lucca curses and switches it off. I was enjoying it too and hoped it was making him uncomfortable. It appears it was. He leans one arm against the window resting his fingers on his tilted head.
Chapter 6
Reconciliations
Thankfully, Rose and Peter are out with Doris when we arrive home. Without another word, I storm upstairs holding my clutch bag and shiver looking at our bedroom door visualising what I found behind it last night.
I enter the second spare bedroom down the hall and slam the door. There is no way I’m sleeping in his bed after that slut has been there. I lock myself in the bathroom of the spare room, slide down the door, and lean against it. Lucca comes barging into the room, and bangs on the bathroom door, pleading for me to let him in.
“Lucca, unless you want me to sleep in a bathroom, you’d better get out of this room right now. I need space.” I hear him sigh, mumble, curse, and slide down the back of the door.
I fall asleep, cold and uncomfortable against the tiles of the bathroom floor. I don’t know how much time has passed when I wake up. I’m relieved Lucca isn’t on the other side of the bathroom door. I stumble back to the bedroom, lock the bedroom door this time, strip my dress off, pull the duvet back, and crawl in. Hours later, a knock at the door startles me.
“Lexi, petal, I have some food for you,” Rose says carefully.
“Thank you, Rose, but I’m not really hungry,” I croak lazily.
“Lexi, love, please eat something. Lucca has made you butternut squash soup and a black pudding, prawn, and chorizo salad. He says you like this.”
I sigh, thinking about Tuscany. He remembered.
“Rose, thank you for bringing it up, but I’m honestly not hungry.” Eating is the last thing on my mind.
Exhaustion takes over, my heavy lids falter, and then I’m sleeping again.
When I wake, I take my pill packet from the zipper compartment of my bag, swallow my pill with tap water from the bathroom, then switch my phone on. It’s buzzing frantically with text messages and about a billion missed calls. I check the time—4:30 p.m. I’ve slept the entire day away.
Lucca – Baby, can I come in yet? Xx
Lucca – Baby, are you awake? xx
Lucca – I love you, please talk to me? Xx
Lucca - Please do not shut me out. I love you xx
Lucca – Doc, seriously, you have been giving me the cold shoulder all day. I need to talk to you xx
Lucca - Why will you not eat anything? Ignoring me is one thing, but you need to eat. I am not happy with this. How much space do you need? Xx
Lucca - I am sorry. That was out of order, but please, baby, eat something. Come down the stairs to me xx
Lucca – I am going out of my mind down here. Doc, please. I love you xx
Lucca – Can I come in yet? Xx
Lucca – Tu sei il più bello e intrigante donna che abbia mai incontrato xx
Jess – Please text or call me. I’m worried about you. I hope you’re ok. I love you xxx
Hazel – Let me know everything is ok. Does Old Ted have diabetes? Xxx
What is Hazel going on about? I will need to check in on Mr. Carlin and his home help.
Me – Mr. Carlin is not diabetic, well, not that I’m aware of, and I’m fine. Been sleeping on-off. Xxx
Cameron – When are you going to call Mum? She’s been on the phone and not happy you haven’t contacted her. You better make up some excuse x
Me – Ok. Fine. No kiss .
I don’t have the energy or patience to call my mum today. It will need to wait.
Jane – Hi, hope you’re well. Do you fancy meeting for lunch next week? Xx
Mark – Lexi can you call me re: rescheduling client appointments. Hope you’re feeling better.
I’ll have to speak with Jane and Mark at some point regarding work at the clinic. I think I might just go back early as I need some independence and normality to my routine, even if my wrist isn’t up to massaging. I could sort out the administration. I could do with Mark having a go at my wrist—it’s worth a try.
Granny – Hi, darling, when are you hoping to come up for a visit? We miss you and love you. Granny xxxx
Granny is so bloody persistent.
Me – I’ll speak with Lucca and check when is convenient for a visit. Xx
Jess – Lex, r u ok? What’s going on? Xx
Lucca – I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry, you have no idea xx
Lucca – Can I bring you something to eat? Xx
Lucca – Doris is wrecking the front lawn. Can you come and get her? xx
He’s using Doris as an excuse to get me out of bed, well I’m not falling for it.
Samantha – Need to get coffee night arranged. When suits? Xxx
Rachel – Hey, would love to meet you for coffee to catch up on holiday chat xxx
Jess – Lex, let me know you’re ok please. I’m worried.
Me – I’m fine. Just having a relaxing day. Sorry about last night. All is good. Thanks for letting me stay. Speak soon. Love you. Xx
Lucca – Doc, if you do not reply, I am breaking the lock and coming in xx
I know he had nothing to do with the blonde bimbo showing up last night, but he does have a colourful past and I’m disgusted, to say the least. Plus, the Kimberley situation has ignited a blaze deep in my stomach.
Me – I’m not ready to talk yet. I’m tired and still angry. No Kiss .
Switching my phone off, I slip back to sleep.
Rose is back at the door with food, which I turn down again.
I grab a quick shower trying to make myself feel fresher. My feet are grazed but not as bad as they were in Tuscany. When I return to bed, I try to process what has happened in the last twenty-four hours. I stare at the ceiling and listen to my playlist on my phone until sleep takes a hold of me again. The last image I must have in my mind before I fall asleep is the whore lying on my bed, cuffed to bedpost, which incites horrible nightmares.
I dream of my first memory of seeing my mum cuffed to Simon Park’s bed. Mary told me to go into Simon’s room to fetch something and in return, she would give me cold water from the main kitchen. She knew Mum was drugged and tied to the bed, and she wanted to ensure I witnessed it. That was her vice: she was disgustingly wicked and wanted to torment me … a child, a young, naive, innocent child. Her sinister games seemed to fulfil her with evil pleasure, which she thrived on.
Her psychotic mind was so warped, she actually smiled and laughed when I screamed and screamed. I wet myself because Mum wouldn’t answer me and didn’t move. Mary eventually stumbled and passed out on the floor because she was drugged herself, and I was left standing in my urine, petrified and trembling.
After Simon heard me screaming, he dragged me out of the house on sticks, threw me over the decking and onto the grass, then stormed back inside and slammed the door.
I went into shock for weeks after that brutal ordeal. I never cried, never spoke either, just hid in a quiet corner in our shed and rocked back and forth. I never told Cameron what I saw, or Mum, because I couldn’t say it. Saying it was like seeing it all over again.
When I wanted the images out of my mind, I would close my eyes and try to imagine daisy chains. They were pretty. Mum and I used to make them and wear them as necklaces. They were the nicest thing I had seen at that age, and they made me feel happy. I willed myself to visualise them. Instead, the concept of the daisy chains as a necklace would evoke the disturbing scene that I witnessed in Simon’s room and make me feel worse.
Mum was sedated and dressed up in a seedy costume. She had a metal mask over her face, a metal choker with spikes around her neck, which attached to a chain on a huge freestanding metal device. She was barely recognisable, but I knew it was Mum because her long hair fanned her naked shoulders. Both wrists and ankles were restrained by metal cuffs, blood dripped from her wrists and ankles, and the sheet between her legs was stained with blood. A camera sat on the bottom of the bed and a video camera on a tripod stood next to it.
I finally understood why she was always sore, bruised, and bloody. It also explained the red, raw welts on her ankles and wrists. It was shortly after that I experienced similar abuse, albeit not as explicit. Michael began tying me up and photographing me. Then a few years after, the day I tried to escape into the Australian bush … that was the day I faced the worst imaginable cruelty. He took my innocence.
I’m trying to escape. I’m running through the Australian bush.
He’s chasing me … he’s shouting at me … my bare feet are hurting and bleeding.
It’s dark … it’s hot.
I’m scared.
I can’t get away.
I need to get away.
Banging on the door and shouting startles me. In a panic, I scramble off the bed and open it quickly. Lucca picks me up and carries me back to the bed holding me steady.
“Breathe, just breathe. Calm down, baby, it is okay, I have you.” His voice is coarse and broken as he kisses my head and softly strokes my hair, tracing his fingers down my face and cheek. “Jesus, Lexi, you scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?”
“Yes, I think so,” I pant, trying to lower my heart rate and fill my starved lungs with oxygen. He holds me tightly, kissing me continually.
Breathlessly, I whisper, “Just hold me,” and he does. Stroking my hair, he presses his nose and mouth against my temple until I’m calmer.
“How did you know I was having a nightmare?” I ask once I gain some sort of equilibrium and composure.
“I have been sitting outside the room waiting on you. I must have dozed off, but I jolted when I heard you scream.”
“I’m glad you’re here. I need you. I need you to hold me so much right now,” I sob as my tears begin. I hold onto him tightly while he caresses me with nothing but gentle, tender love.
My chest heaves while I shake, sob, and break my heart with raw, heavy tears. He squeezes me into his chest so hard he nearly crushes me. Burying his face into my neck and stroking my hair over and over, he soothes me.
“I know you wanted time and space, but I just could not handle you shutting me out like this. I am begging you to please let me back into your heart, Doc. I need you.”
“I need you too,” I cry with my eyes closed, thankful I feel secure in his arms right now.
“Do you want to tell me about your nightmare? Please let me help you. I fucking hate to see you like this, dolcezza.” Leaning against the headboard, he sits upright and pulls me onto his lap where I nestle my head in the crook of his neck.
“The woman in our bed … I was thinking about her and it stirred a horrible memory when I saw my mum cuffed and …” I can’t even say it. It hurts too much. I just want Lucca to take it all away, the pain, fear, paranoia, and darkness.
“Christ! It is my fault. It is all my fault that you are having dreams like this. If you never witnessed that fucking absurdity last night, you would not have had that nightmare. Jesus, Lexi, I cannot handle how much I have hurt you recently. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I love you, baby, I love you so fucking much. You are my everything.” He kisses my head hard and breathes heavily against my hair.
“I cannot endure seeing you like this, and I cannot bear that I am hurting you this much. It kills me you needed time away from me. I need to fix this, to treat you with the respect you deserve and do whatever it takes to get us past this. Tell me what to do, what you want me to do.” His voice is threaded because he’s hurting for me. “I love you and I promised you I would take care of you. I need your love, Lexi … tell me what you are thinking … we need to talk … can you talk to me yet?” Gently, he lifts my hand to his mouth. He covers my hand in kisses and brushes his lips over my engagement ring before settling my hand on his heart and covering it with his.
“I love you too, I do, but I’m mentally exhausted, Lucca. When I saw that woman naked in our bed, I felt as if she had ripped through my flesh, taken my heart, twisted it, then left it out to bleed. I feel so scared because it’s not a lifestyle I can give you, and I’m worried that I’ll continue to come home to some other woman in my bed, or that I’m not enough for you,” I confess anxiously.
“Christ almighty, baby, I do not ever want you to feel this way. You are so much more, so much better. I want you. I need you. Only you. Not the lifestyle that, because of last night, you think I need.” He holds me tightly as I continue sobbing. “There will never be anyone else for me. You stole my heart, and I gave you mine. I have be
en waiting for you my entire life, and I will never let go of you. I am the luckiest man on earth to have you in my arms. Please never feel insecure again. I cannot stress to you enough that you are my now and my future. Only you. Forever, only you.” His voice has faltered, and I know he’s trying to be strong for me. Leaning over, he presses his cheek against mine his hot breath skimming across my wet sticky skin.
His cheeks are now wet from stray, salty tears embedded onto his skin. He inhales and continues, “I wish I could change my past, Lexi, I do. I would change everything for you, but I cannot. I can only give you my future … my word that it will never happen again. That woman was nothing to me, and she will not be bothering us again. What can I do? Tell me what to do to make this right. I cannot stand seeing you like this.” There’s determination in his tone because he needs me to believe him. I want to believe him.