by SJ Molloy
“I’m annoyed your grandpa is keeping secrets from me.” She sobs.
“I asked him not to tell you.”
“Have you completely thought this through? Do you know what you are doing? I don’t know what to say.” Her tone is cold and sharp through her snivelling.
“Yes, of course I do. Mum, you will love him, I promise.”
I hear her grunt and scoff. “So you’re actually considering this?” My stomach tweaks, because the more she asks with this doubtful tone, the more I feel.
“Where does he live and what age is he?” She croaks this time, lowering her voice with a disconcerting pity in it. Whether she likes it or not, it’s happening and the more she knows the better.
“Bothwell. He has various businesses in Scotland and throughout Europe. He’s very successful and has a wonderful family in Scotland and Tuscany. I’ve met some of his family. They’re warm, kind, loving … very hospitable and caring. He’s thirty-two years old. He has two brothers and a sister.” Instantly, I regret talking about his assets and his age.
“You have already met his family? It all seems a little fast, and I know how you can be in the company of strangers. I can’t imagine how you can be comfortable around a new family you barely know. And I never thought you would be one to fall for someone with money. That’s not you, and you know it. I taught you to appreciate life and the smaller things we all take for granted. If you’re struggling financially, your grandparents and I will help you. How could you give up your principles and respect and let yourself be used, especially after our history?”
Fucking history!
Does she honestly think that I’ve lost respect for myself, where I came from, and my goddamn past? Does she think I have entered into this relationship lightly? Yes, she knows me, and she’s right about how I would normally act in the company of strangers, but she wasn’t there in Tuscany, she hasn’t experienced what I have. How can I explain that it doesn’t matter if it were five minutes, weeks, months, or years? It felt right. It feels right.
Lucca and his family gave me something I’ve never had before, the ability to trust and feel loved by people who are outside of my immediate family and small group of friends. They have given me new love and new hope. The thought of my mum never understanding or accepting that Lucca and his family will be part of my life now crushes me.
A knife has gone through my heart.
Twisted.
Severed.
Hacked.
“I’m overwhelmed that after years of avoiding contact with men, you have put your trust in the first man to woo you … one man, and you seem to think you have it all figured out—life and love. All it takes is for one little thing to trigger your fears and you may become weak, making you even more vulnerable than you already are, therefore opening yourself to even more pain and heartache.” Mum’s sobbing isn’t helping. I’ve already felt pain, lots of it, but the love I feel is a million times stronger and it’s worth it, to feel with Lucca.
My hot, wet tears running down my cheeks feel like blood. I am sure if I looked in the mirror I would see stained red cheeks, they’re so raw.
“Is that what you think? That I’m so shallow and desperate that I’m crying out for money because money will take my fears, history, and demons away? Do you not think someone might be interested in me? Do you not think someone is capable of loving me for who I am? And I know I have a lot to learn and this is all new. It will take time. I never professed to be an expert. I just said that I love Lucca and he loves me.” Taking umbrage, I raise my voice while crying. Jumping up from the sofa, I begin pacing around the room.
Angry.
Insulted.
Sickened.
“You’re very beautiful, Alexis. I just don’t want you to be taken advantage of. I know you’re an adult and can make decisions, but I imagine a serious relationship would take a lot of work and commitment gradually over time. I just feel that it’s too soon for you to be agreeing to marry a man who doesn’t have the full insight into your past. It had taken Casey years before she truly understood you. Men are not as intuitive as women, and it could take even longer for Lucca to accept you. ”
She deepens the wound.
HE HAS ACCEPTED ME!
“Lucca is intuitive. He listens. He’s honest, compassionate, and encouraging. He might never get me, but he knows enough. I have shared more with him in such a small amount of time than I have with anyone else, and he keeps me focused. It’s not been all rosy in the garden either. We’ve had differences of opinions and grievances, but we love each other that much that we are patient and forgiving, and more importantly, Lucca loves me through my insecurities and anxiousness. I … can’t explain it.” I sigh and walk towards the window and watch Doris galloping around on the front lawn then turn around and lean against the windowsill.
Mum obviously wants what’s best for me; she always does, but the fact that she’s never had a normal, loving relationship doesn’t put her in the best position to give relationship advice. I accept that it’s hard for her to comprehend that I’ve gotten engaged very quickly, but she’s never experienced the emotions I have experienced with Lucca so far. How do I say this without being disrespectful?
“Okay, fine, you’ve experienced a lovers tiff, but that doesn’t stand for anything. Does he know about your nightmares? Does he know about the extent of your abuse?” She weeps and I imagine she’s hugging her knees into her chest and nervously twirling her earrings around in her ears. That’s what she tends to do when she’s upset or challenged.
“Yes. He helps me when I have nightmares. He holds me in a way that calms me, and he always says the right thing.” I sigh and tap my finger against the windowsill.
“Hmmm, well he would say the right things if he’s after sex. Put yourself in my shoes. I’m all this way away and you tell me this, and I have visions of you being used. I’ve never heard of anybody falling in love so quickly and being so trusting, even without the burdens you carry. Your Aunt Eva and Uncle Jim fell in love fairly quickly, but they had a long courtship beforehand.”
I’m verging on becoming furious. She doesn’t get it.
“Of course you don’t understand. You’ve never fallen in love, and you can’t compare me to my aunt Eva; that was years ago. Things are different nowadays. I guess you need to trust me, but I’m sure when you meet Lucca and see both of us together, you’ll change your mind.” I press my thumb at my temple and rub in circles feeling the start of a headache.
“I don’t need to have loved. I’m your mother. I know what’s best for you.” Her voice is louder, and I now imagine her pacing the floor because she sounds breathless.
I’m bypassing furious and going straight to blazing hot.
“Well, maybe if you had experienced love before, you would be a little more open-minded. You don’t know what I’m feeling or what Lucca feels for me, and until you experience it yourself, maybe you shouldn’t judge.” I retaliate, practically shouting.
I’m way out of line.
She has every right to be disappointed in me now. That was uncalled for. My heart is racing, my head is throbbing, and I’m fit to explode with the fire that’s burning me inside.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, please forgive me. I love you, please calm down because you’re making me sick with worry, and I didn’t mean for that to sound the way it did. I just reacted to the shock and it’s the first thing that made sense to me. ”
She’s pleading irrationally to me while crying uncontrollably, and I’m despicable for what I said to her. I don’t want another lecture, and I most certainly don’t want to hurt her anymore with my feistiness.
Fuck!
File E for erase. Erase those horrible words I just said to her.
“No, I’m sorry, Mum. I can’t do this right now. I need space.” I hang up on her and fire my phone across the lounge, smashing it to pieces against the fireplace.
Lucca and Hazel are in the doorway watching me. They must have heard me
raising my voice so furiously, but they don’t say anything. My head throbs and my chest hurts.
Sharp.
Stabbing.
Slicing.
I stare at my shattered phone, dumbfounded that I’d smashed it in anger. I scramble to my feet and run out of the room and straight upstairs to the suite.
“Lexi, wait!” Lucca yells after me.
I run into the bathroom and open my supply cabinet, searching for anxiolytics to control my anxiety attack. I can’t find them anywhere, which only adds to my despair as I know I’m not going to be able to control this one without them.
I dump all the products into the sink, then lift a toilet bag that I brought from my house. I crash my hand into it, searching through my makeup and feeling for a packet of pills—any pills.
“Shit!” A sharp sting slices at my finger. I’ve cut my finger on a razor blade.
I turn Lucca’s tap on at the secondary basin then run my finger under it, washing the blood away while my other hand presses into my chest. Lucca walks into the bathroom.
“Christ, Lexi, let me see.” He lifts up my hand and shakes his head then grabs a towel and wraps it around the cut, putting pressure on it. “What is going on? What are you looking for?”
“She’s looking for her beta blockers,” Hazel answers, standing at the bathroom door.
I drop my head, embarrassed, while I take heavy breaths through my nostrils. Gasping for air I manage to say, “Skip, can you … grab my … clutch bag? It’s on …the island in the … dressing room.”
“Sure.”
“Come here.” He holds me to his chest, stroking my hair and rocking me side to side, keeping a grip on the towel at my fingers. “Breathe, just hold me and breathe,” he whispers to my ear.
The lump lodging my throat is still there, but I’m airing my lungs with huge, slow breaths from my nostrils. After ten minutes, he has calmed me slightly, so he takes my hand and leads me to the bed.
I sit on the end as he strokes his fingers across my eyebrow, then trails a wavy curl behind my ear. He looks pained and confused, and I know he wants an explanation, but he doesn’t ask. Lucca lifts the towel off my finger and returns from the bathroom with a Band-Aid.
She returns with the clutch and some water from the bathroom, and I shake nervously while I open and search through it for the pills. I find some in the zip compartment. Shakily, I pop one onto my tongue and sip the water. Hazel watches me tapping her middle finger on her chin then sits down in front of me on the carpet, crossing her legs.
“So what did Grace say to freak you out? Do you want to talk about it?” Hazel asks, rubbing my knee. I don’t want to hide it from them, but I can’t be fully honest with Lucca. I don’t want to hurt him.
“I put her in an episode, I think,” I mutter, looking down at the glass of water.
“Why?” Hazel asks, tapping her middle finger on her chin again.
“I told her about Lucca, and she wasn’t exactly thrilled,” I choke. Lucca runs his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, Lucca.” I’m struggling to make eye contact.
“Baby, do not be sorry. She is your mother. It would be alarming if she were not concerned about you. It is her job to protect you and want what is best for you. I can understand why she would be worried.” He strokes my arm then lightly brushes my cheek with his thumb.
God, I love him.
“I tried to explain about our relationship, but she doesn’t approve. I begged for her blessing and told her how happy I am. She said some things that really hurt me and I freaked.” I drop my head and sigh.
“What did she say?” Lucca asks.
“It doesn’t matter, just forget it. I’ll let Cameron talk to her when she has calmed down, and then I’d better apologise. I might even call Casey and get her to call Mum and make sure she is okay.” I shake my head, hating how I ended the phone call.
“It does matter. I cannot help if you do not confide in me. You cannot keep bottling things up.” Lucca pinches his brow with his middle finger and thumb.
Hazel places her glass on a magazine on the bedside table. She shakes her head at Lucca, giving him an annoyed look. “Lucca, can you call Cameron and tell him Lexi’s phone is out of action in case he tries to get her and tell him to call Casey and get her to call Grace?”
“Okay, sure, I will be back in a minute. Do you girls need anything?” I shake my head, and Hazel gives him a warm, appreciative smile, silently thanking him. I’m so glad she is here today to talk with me.
Once Lucca has reluctantly left the suite, Hazel bombards me. “Right, dish,” she orders.
I spill.
“I don’t want to offend or upset Lucca, so let’s just leave it.”
She opens her mouth then closes, then reopens it again to voice her opinion.
“Spit it out, Skip.”
Tilting her head, Hazel stares upward to the ceiling while thinking, then meets my eyes. “She loves you. She’s hurt that you don’t confide in her, and she doesn’t want you rushing into anything or getting hurt further. I understand her concerns, but I do think she’s far off the mark with the gold digging. We all know that was never in the equation, and that you have no control over Lucca spoiling you. But you’re also the most grateful person I know, so don’t believe that statement for one moment. No one else will. She also doesn’t realise that you are capable and did actually fall in love quickly. I promise she’ll be feeling worse than you right now. But, Lex, she loves you, we all do.” She leans over to hug me.
“Do you really think so?” I ask.
“I know so.” Once we have finished our chat and she has helped me see reason and calmed me, she jumps up.
“Now, get yourself sorted so I can take you out. You’re not sitting in here all day feeling like shit. Plus, I thought I could take you out in your new wheels since you’re not driving yet.” She beams at me trying to distract me.
Not a bloody chance.
“No, I don’t want to use the new cars just now. Can we just go in yours?”
Hazel pouts. “Ahhh, spoil sport. Okay, if you really don’t want to, but I think you’re antagonising over her comments and I’d love to see you accept these changes in your life and enjoy your gifts. I’m sure Lucca would want you to use them, because he only wants to make you happy.”
“He does make me happy. After my mum’s comments, I just feel uneasy about flashing around town like the next trophy wife, especially since our relationship is still new.”
Hazel says she will make tea so I get up and walk through to the dressing room. I unzip my trousers and blouse and hang them up, take the diamond earrings out, remove my Cartier diamond watch, then remove the diamond pendant from around my neck. I place them inside the safe and find an old pair of skinny denim jeans and a black T-shirt and tie my hair up.
“Why have you changed?” Lucca asks when I return to the bedroom.
“Because I’m going to the doctors and running errands, so jeans are more suitable,” I reply.
He opens his mouth to say something, but Hazel grasps his arm, digging her fingers into his skin and intercepting his comment. “Well, thank goodness. I for one am pleased you now look casual because I hate walking around with you all glam like you have just stepped off a private yacht.”
Lucca is shocked at Hazel, but I know exactly what she’s trying to do. “Nice try.” I scowl at her.
“What? I’m serious, you look like a sack of old potatoes, Roo, but whatever makes you comfortable. Right, shall we go?” she confidently chirps before sauntering downstairs.
“What was that all about?” Lucca asks as he wraps his arms around my waist.
“It’s Hazel’s reverse psychology. She thinks I’m in here changing outfits again, but I’m not, not today.” I settle my head onto his chest.
“You are really hurting, I can tell, and if you do not want to talk about it just now that is fine, but promise me we can talk about this later. I hate seeing you like this.” He searches my eyes, then
circles my nose with his.
“Okay.” I sigh.
“Just so you know, you look sexy and smoking hot in those jeans. Your ass is fucking amazing. Of course, I would rather see you naked, but it just adds to the fun when I have to slide them down your legs. You are beautiful in whatever you wear.” He lifts my chin and kisses my lips.
“Thank you.” I nibble his bottom lip.
He studies me. “Where is all your jewellery? Why have you taken it all off?”
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“Your mother thinks you are with me for my money, does she not? Is that why you are so upset and stripping everything off? You are worried about what people think?”
God, he’s so intuitive.
I don’t say anything. I just inhale his sexy, lingering musky aftershave snuggled into his neck.
“You do not need to answer … I know I am right, but this changes nothing. I love you and you love me, and we both know how deep our love is. One of the many reasons why I love you is because you are so down to earth, sincere, and appreciative. It is refreshing. I have never found anyone like you, and when I met you, I knew I had to have you. I would give my last penny to you, but it is not about that. I wanted to give you my love, trust, protection, and care. I will just need to convince your mother of that too.”
He pauses staring at my eyes.
“I hate to think others see me as a gold digger, and now I feel guilty and unsettled, as if I don’t deserve you. It makes sense that people will have opinions on our relationship and of me, but it makes me agitated. I’m sure everyone has a lot to say about me moving in here so quickly too,” I confess.
“I could not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. I tell you this repeatedly. If I want to spoil you with gifts, I will because I can. If I want to fuck you senseless, I will because I can. If I want to romance you and make love to you all fucking night, I will because I can. I will love, cherish, and protect you because I can.” He smiles confidently, showing me his dimple.