by SJ Molloy
“I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry,” I whisper.
Turning around, he shakes his head then runs his fingers through his hair. “No, I want you to tell me. I want you to be honest. If I am going to help you, I need to know about your nightmares, but it pains me to think of what that evil fucking monster did to you. It hurt last night when you told me, but I wanted to be strong for you, but now this, Lexi. It tears me up that he …” He punches the pantry door in rage.
“Come here,” I say cautiously, because he’s going to breakdown. In role reversal, I need to be compassionate and reassuring towards him. Comfort him. I take his face in both my hands and kiss him softly. “I’m here, right here, and I’m not going anywhere. It’s all in the past, Lucca. He can’t touch me or harm me. I have you and you take it all away. You make me feel whole. Please don’t be upset or feel guilty about what you said. You couldn’t have known the pizza would upset me. I need you to be strong and forget about it all. Love me right here and think about our future. Please, calm down … for me.”
He closes his eyes, taking long, slow, steady breaths. “He is still fucking harming you, Lexi … your mind. You are having nightmares about it, and I wish I could take it all away.” His voice is broken.
I hold him, tenderly caressing him the way he does for me. I discover it’s great therapy being the giver of comfort, and it relaxes me too. We sit on the kitchen floor, barefoot in our denim jeans with our wine, and eat our toasted ciabatta bread. There is something powerful and special about this moment binding us together.
Simple.
Forgiving.
Honest.
Relaxed, I rub my bare feet along Lucca’s exposed ankles and lean my head on his shoulders, contemplating the last few weeks. I’m grateful.
“You know I will do anything for you, and I will give you anything. I just want to take it all away,” Lucca says, slumped against the kitchen cupboard.
Sitting my plate down, I turn to look up to him. “I know you would. You’ve taught me to trust, to love, and to be loved. I’ve changed, Lucca, and I’m different. I have more confidence, and I’m not as paranoid. I’m stronger and better because of you.”
“Jesus, I love you more every fucking day.” He presses his nose on my shoulder, kissing my skin with his moist lips.
The party in the attic room is in full swing.
Cameron has his guitar, the kids are in bed, and Antonia is sleeping in the travel cot in our suite.
Lucca fixes drinks behind the bar as I slump on the sofa next to Anna and put my arms around her shoulders. I kiss her on the side of her head, then grasp her hand, and she grips my hand tightly before Cameron plays his next piece.
He’s sitting on the snug chair with his leg crossed over the other knee looking very much the rock star. He strums some chords playing “The Cave” by Mumford and Sons and sings along with lyrics. The tone of his raspy voice is spot on, and his tuning is impeccable.
Anna’s eyes become alive. She’s captivated with his talent. She sits upright, entranced watching him, and in this moment, I’m so proud of my brother. I’ve chosen to forgive his flaws over the last few weeks and accept that they are falling in love with each other.
His next song is John Legend’s “Ordinary People.” Then he wows everyone with his version of “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. Anna looks fit to be undone. It’s the quietest I’ve ever seen her.
“You know, he is really talented. Plays great and has an amazing voice,” Lucca says. Then he turns to me with his “light bulb moment” look.
“No way! Not a bloody chance. Forget it,” I protest.
“Baby, you have an amazing voice. I have heard you sing. You and Cameron surely must sing together,” he says enthusiastically.
“We did, but in private.” Lowering my voice, I drop my gaze, shift with uneasiness, and set my drink down on the table.
“Lexi, this is your family now. I do not know why you would be bashful singing in front of us because you sing like an angel.”
“No, Lucca, drop it.”
I excuse myself to use the bathroom. On return, Cameron has the glint in his eye, the mischievous one, which means this has all been discussed while I was making myself scarce. Lucca walks over and takes my hand leading me to the sofa.
“Come on, Lexi, just one song. We will all take a turn if it makes you feel better,” Anna suggests.
Cameron shifts in the snug chair. “What do you say, baby girl?”
“No.” I scowl.
“Well, if you are not singing, then I am going to,” Lucca says.
Oh shit.
Not that Lucca has a bad voice, but it’s not brilliant either, and I would rather he kept it only for me in private. I have memories of him singing romantically into my ear after we danced with the baby, and when he proposed to me in Firenze, dancing around the private garden of our hotel suite, and it was lovely. I’d like the memory to stay lovely.
Hazel chirps, “She’s not that good anyway, Kate. You’d need to cover your ears because she can’t hold a tune and she’ll crack that glass table.” Hazel knows exactly what she’s doing.
Fuel to my fire.
Heating up, I let go of Lucca’s hand and stride towards Cameron, whispering in his ear. Then I sit next to him and singe Hazel with my eyes. I don’t care for her mind games. Damn, she gets me every time with that reverse shit.
I’m so goddamn weak.
Cameron starts strumming, finding his chords, and once he has the rhythm, my nerves truly kick in. I rub my sweaty palms together, swallow, then close my eyes and begin to sing Kristina Train’s “Dark Black” quietly until I reach my upper register in the chorus. I keep my eyes closed. It’s a harrowing song with deep emotion, which is why I coast it effortlessly.
I’m pouring my heart into the dusky, moody melody, subtly staying true to the melancholy, pain, and anguish behind the lyrics. When I finally lift my head, opening my eyes, everyone is still, poised, entranced, and completely silent. It’s like watching a silent movie and only I can hear my voice, but it’s a distant echo and someone else is singing it to me. Like an out of body experience.
Humming at the end of the song, I shake with nerves, wondering how it's received and if I made a complete fool of myself.
Most likely.
I’ve never really sung in front of a group apart from when I was drunk, and I slurred some songs to the girls hugging an empty bottle of wine right before they hauled me into a taxi, but everyone jumps up off their seats to applaud me. I smile and blush. Lucca is captivated. His eyes thank me, and he blows me a kiss and winks.
“Wow, that was incredible,” Sarah says.
Kate hugs and praises me. Armando, Dominic, and Savio are still applauding. I’m trembling. I can’t believe I did that!
“My work here is done,” Hazel chuckles. “Turns out you’re not so bad after all,” she adds then gives me a knowing nod of her head, as if to say well done.
“You have a beautiful voice, Lexi. You do not know how talented you are. A model and a singer!” Anna praises. “Oh my gawd, you need to duet together. Do something else,” she demands.
Cameron smiles roguishly then whispers in my ear, but I’m not sure. I’ve heard him singing in the house, and I’ve sang it in the car and out walking Doris in the woods with my earphone’s in, but we’ve never sang it together.
“We can do this. I’ll come in and follow your lead. Just pretend no one else is here,” Cameron suggests. He nudges his knuckles lightly across my chin.
“Okay, let’s do it.” I don’t know where all this confidence is coming from, but it’s impressing Lucca. I can feel his enthusiasm.
“A Martian invader from outer space has landed and switched bodies with my good friend here.” Hazel smirks at Dominic. He pushes her shoulder, shooing her sarcastic comment.
“Ready?” Cameron asks me.
I nod, although my legs are quaking and I’m fighting hard to keep my head above the water before I drown.
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br /> After his intro, I compose myself and prepare to sing Pink’s “Just Give Me A Reason.” I keep my eyes open this time, staring into the azure blue pool of Lucca’s eyes and swimming towards him with my words.
Floating.
Adrift.
Cruising.
I imagine his eyes as a white-washed illusion of an ebbing crystal tide softly rushing over my body. He leans back on the sofa, placing his arms behind his head, not taking his eyes off me. I’m not singing this for him. I’m singing this to him.
Finding my vocal strength, I lift higher in the chorus with more confidence. Cameron joins in with Nate Ruess’s lyrics, but in his own alternate rock husky tone. I soar, and when we sing together in harmony, everyone gasps as we complement each other’s registers. I lose myself, tapping my feet on the floor.
I hear myself. For the first time, I actually hear myself. I come alive, my wings take flight, and not in my core. I’ve literally lost all gravity, and then I escalate upward on the bridge of the song. On our last note, I smile, biting the bottom of my lip demurely and pleased with our first effort.
Lucca approaches and kneels in front of me, breathing heavily. Taking my face in his hands in front of everyone, he kisses my lips, pressing hard and long. I’m breathless when he pulls away. Cameron smirks at Lucca’s appreciation of my singing and begins to play Lady Antebellum’s “Singing Me Home.” It’s light and uplifting, so we have everyone join in.
Music was a form of therapy for Cameron, and I suppose it distracted me too. After a great reception, we sing Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow’s duet, “Picture.” Cameron lowers his tone; he’s raspier and it harmonises well with my soft voice in this song. Once we’re finished, I give Cameron a kiss and tell him I’m going to get a drink. Cameron takes a break from playing as well and disappears with Anna.
Lucca’s enthusiasm looks deflated. Standing behind the bar, I ask Lucca why he’s frowning.
“You were amazing, baby … fuck, you just keep surprising me. That was breathtaking, and you truly sounded like an angel. I wish you would believe in yourself more.”
He runs his hand up under my vest, running his thumb along the bottom of my bra. The touch of his hand against my fired up skin, combined with the adrenaline rushing through my body, sparks shockwaves of electricity.
“Thank you, but I’m a little embarrassed. I admit I enjoyed it after I got into it.” His expression becomes conflicted and he digs his fingers into me. “I can tell something is wrong, Lucca. What’s the matter?”
He sighs, pressing me against the bar counter and holding onto one hip with the other against my bra strap as he leans his forehead against mine.
“You have an amazing tone, and you are very gifted, baby, both of you are. But it pained me when you sang about the dark because that is all in your past. I would love to hear you sing about the light someday, something to symbolise your freedom from that dark. The last song about the pictures … it just got me thinking about your insecurities and your distaste of photographs. I would love to help you with that.”
“Is this about Giovanni Costanzo?” I ask. We have not spoken about this since the well-known photographer offered me a modelling career in Tuscany. Lucca seemed to have the notion it would help me lose my insecurities if I saw pictures of myself.
“God no, but I do wish you would consider that offer. It would help if you had more self-assurance. You need to have faith in yourself. Faith in your beauty, your talent, and your warm heart.” He places his hand on my chest and smiles showing me his dimple smile.
“Don’t you think I’m getting better? More relaxed?” I have a moment of hesitation. This was a big deal for me tonight, letting go like that.
“Of course I do. You have made so much progress, but one day it would be nice to have pictures and memories of our own. You know, when we get married, people will want to photograph us …” He moves some hair away from my face and brushes his thumb over my cheek.
He’s right. I’ve never thought of that.
“Well, I’m sorry … I’m trying.” I drop my head with disappointment.
“No, dolcezza, do not feel bad about this. I just want to help you, and I think I know how. Leave it with me.” He lifts my chin, tilts my face back, then kisses me, and I explore his mouth, marrying my tongue with his. I absolutely love him with every beat of my heart.
The rest of the night is light-hearted and lively. I decide to lay off the cocktails and opt for juice as Antonia is sleeping in our room again and I want to keep my wits about me.
After Anna checks on the kids, she returns with a game of Twister.
Hazel’s eyes come alive. “Oh, have you seen my body balance poses? This should be fun!”
I swipe the cocktail from her hand. “Behave,” I warn her, but when I see her pout, I can’t contain my laughter. “Okay fine, you have fun. Just don’t dislocate anything.” I giggle.
The game is hilarious. Everyone has had their fill of alcohol, so they fall on top of each other buckled in hysterics. I don’t participate because I can’t put too much weight on my wrist yet, but I enjoy watching them fall on their asses.
While everyone is entangled in a mess on the floor, I take some empty glasses to the sink in the bar. Lucca thrusts against my back cupping my ass and pressing against me. “I’m glad you were not playing. The vision of that perfect, sexy little ass in the air would have me so fucking hard I would find it difficult not to take you there on the floor,” he rasps.
“Hmmm … well, maybe when my wrist is better we can play strip twister, just you and me.”
He growls, taking his hands off my ass and pressing his erection against the bottom of my back, then coiling his fingers around my hips and tugging me towards his manhood.
“How about I twist, bend, and shift you into position then fuck you shamelessly over my desk downstairs?” he growls in my ear.
My cheeks redden and my heart rate quickens with his crude suggestion. My throbbing sex is begging for just that.
“Let’s go and make some moves, Romeo.” I grind my butt against the bulge in his denims as my hands wrap around his hips.
I squeeze my legs together as excitement flares inside me. We sneak out, frantically kissing and groping at every corner, stair and doorway we pass until we reach his study. Once inside, he kicks the door shut, then locks it. I eye up the desk with devilish eyes, my chest shuddering against my blouse with anticipation.
“Tell me how you want it … ask, baby.”
He pulls his clothes off, and I strip my vest and jeans off nearly as fast, hooking my thumb under the string of tiny lace thong, teasing him, then brushing a loose soft curl of my hair against my lips suggestively.
His wanton eyes nearly catapult out of his sockets while he strongly bangs me against the door with his body. After overcoming my fear with singing, my bravado has taken over.
I tell.
I show.
I beg.
And I ask for more.
He gives it to me.
I take.
Take.
Take.
Maybe music is good therapy for me after all.
Losing count of my orgasms and Lucca’s perpetual climaxes filling me, I collapse. I’ve been thoroughly twisted inside and out until I’m so spent and lethargic I need Lucca to help me redress and carry me back to the suite.
After checking on the baby, he pulls me into his side, tightening his arms around me. “Okay?” he asks.
“I’m better than okay,” I murmur through sleepiness.
“I love you, dolcezza.” He kisses the side of my head.
My last thought as I close my eyes is that I love that game a lot.
Twister sex is my new favourite.
Chapter 16
Compromises
The sun shining brightly through the French doors is a charming vision to wake up to.
Not as lovely as the illuminating golden Tuscan sunshine that I still fantasise about, or a certain Italian god and an
adorable baby girl smiling over to me for that matter.
“Morning, beautiful.”
Lucca has his arm around Antonia’s waist while she bounces up and down on the mattress between us. He reaches over kissing me.
“Hmmm … morning yourself, handsome,” I mumble, yawn, then smile with loving eyes.
“Aunty Lexi is not a morning girl, Antonia. She is a little bit grumpy,” he chants to her. She chuckles.
Rolling my eyes, I hold my arms out to her and cuddle her into my chest, kissing her lips, cheeks, then forehead. She smells of baby bath and powder. It’s just lovely. Lucca leans on his side, propping his head up on one hand and resting on his elbow as he plays with my hair.
There is no television or music on this morning as the adults of last night’s party are feeling rather delicate. After a sleepy, quiet breakfast, everyone slowly starts moving, trying to hush the noise from the excitable children. Everyone is feeling the effects of last night’s alcohol, and we’re not as energetic as we were yesterday morning, but we all agree it was a great night and we must do it again.
As Lucca, Savio, and Armando cooked breakfast, Dominic and Cameron offer to clear up the kitchen, leaving Sarah and Kate to get the kids washed and dressed. I have a long shower and worry about Anna. Being used by your best friend must be soul destroying.
I take out a designer grey and black fitted dress with a thin belt for later but dress in yoga pants and a hoodie to take Doris for a walk on my own.
Walking through the park and reflecting on my week ahead of me, I’m sad to think of Lucca leaving me for a few days while he works. We’ve been together every day, but I suppose it’s healthy. We need our own space too. I’m used to being independent, so surely I will manage on my own.
When I return to the house, the girls decide they are going into Glasgow to shop, and the boys make plans to take the kids to the park before stopping at the garden centre in the Clydeside to pick strawberries and then for ice cream. Lucca’s face is electric at the thought of gelato. He’s more excited than the kids.