by Wren Mingua
She deleted the body of her email and started over.
Mom,
I just talked to Ben (my boyfriend, who is TWENTY-THREE by the way)... he made it sound like we might be coming for grandma's birthday. You would like to meet him, wouldn't you? I hope you'd be willing to give him a chance, because I
A knock on the door halted her fingers. Zoe slid off the couch and peered out the peephole.
It was Kyle!
Zoe wondered if he had somehow been summoned by her thoughts. She hadn't heard from him in three days, so she was starting to doubt he was still in London. She took a deep breath and pulled open the door. As soon as he saw her, Kyle swept her into his arms and nuzzled his lips against her hair.
"Zoe..." Kyle grumbled against her scalp. "I've missed you so much, sweetheart."
"Kyle... " Zoe peeled herself away from him and went back to the sofa.
"Is he here?"
"Who?"
"Who?!" Kyle repeated with a chuckle. "You know who I'm talking about. That guy... what's his name?"
"Ben."
"Right. Ben." Kyle sat beside her on the sofa and snaked an arm around her shoulders. "He's not here, is he?"
"No..."
"Good. Because I really wanted to talk to you." He pulled her as close to him as he possibly could. "I love you. I need you. And I'm not going to let you go that easily."
She tried to pull away from him, but he was holding her too tightly. "Kyle..."
"Just hear me out, okay? I don't want to go home without you. I don't want to go home until I know I've put up a good fight, because losing you would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Can you imagine what it'll be like for me? To go home to that empty house... to our house... and know you'll never be coming back? It would kill me, Zoe. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, and I--"
"You ruined it," Zoe cut in.
"I know!" Kyle groaned. "Do you think I could ever get you to forgive me?"
Zoe almost nodded. At this point, she was starting to feel like she could forgive him. It would be so easy to go back to familiarity, back to normalcy and stability. Being in Britain with Ben was a new start, and new starts were always challenging. Sometimes she felt like she had uprooted herself, and she was having a hard time fitting in.
"But I'm with Ben..." she whispered.
"I know you are. But you need to think about that, Zoe. Where do you see that going?"
Zoe's head sunk between her shoulders. "I don't know."
"I'll tell you where it's going," Kyle continued his tirade. "He's what... 23? Where do you see yourself in two years? Five years? Do you really think he's ready to settle down, that he'd be ready to marry you?" He's practically a kid."
"You don't know him," Zoe defended her boyfriend. "He's very passionate and mature."
Kyle ignored her and went on, "are you really content to stay here in this dingy little London flat, with a college-age boyfriend? Does he even have a job? Do you know anything about him?!"
Zoe closed her eyes and let Kyle's words sink in. She knew she should have spoken up on Ben's behalf, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It was hardly the first time she had felt foolish for dating someone so young.
"I know this will probably sound harsh, but... he'll get tired of you," Kyle said.
"Oh, you mean like YOU got tired of me?!"
"I didn't get tired of you. I could never get tired of you," Kyle protested. "What I made was a mistake, and it'll never happen again."
"Well..." Zoe crossed her arms over her chest and sat as straight as she could. She wanted to come off as proud, resolute. "I just don't know if I could trust you again, Kyle."
"But you trust this Ben guy? Really?!" There was a hint of exasperation in his voice. "When he's twenty-eight, you'll be thirty-seven. You really think that's going to work?"
"Well... when I'm seventy, he'll be sixty-one, and I don't think it's going to matter at that point."
"Wow, Zoe. It sounds like you've got your whole future planned out with this kid," Kyle sniped. "Does he know about that? Or would he run for the hills if he heard you talking like this?"
"He wouldn't!"
"He WOULD!" Kyle exclaimed. "Zoe, I know his type. He's not going to settle down with you. He isn't in this for a long-term commitment. And if you think he is, you're going to have a wake up call!"
"But you don't even know him..." Zoe reminded him.
"Yeah? Well, I know enough," Kyle said. "Anyway, Zoe, I care about you too much to let you make this kind of mistake. I care too much about us... as a couple. We were good together, weren't we?"
"We were," Zoe admitted quietly.
"And I think you owe it to yourself to give us another chance." Kyle took Zoe's chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilted her head in his direction. As he gazed into her eyes, he whispered, "I love you."
"I..."
"I love you," Kyle repeated, and leaned in for a kiss.
When his lips departed, Zoe's mind swirled with a million different thoughts. Maybe Kyle was right? Maybe Ben was too young for her. She had always had her doubts; maybe those doubts were warranted? How much time was she willing to waste on a relationship that had her feeling sheepish? Kyle, her mom, even her grandmother--it seemed that everyone wanted her to come home. She hadn't spoken to her friends in quite some time, but she knew they missed her too.
"Kyle?" Zoe whispered.
"Hmm?"
"I think you're right," Zoe said. "I think I do need to go back home."
Chapter Thirty One
Excerpt from Zoe's blog--
Heartbroken guys don't chase after their runaway girlfriends, do they? Not like in the movies...
Zoe left him a note. She knew it was the cruelest thing she could possibly do, but she couldn't imagine breaking up with him face-to-face.
Ben,
I'm really sorry... I know you're going to hate me for this, but I decided to go back home. Back to the US. I just don't think we should be together. I really, really care about you, but I can't imagine us in a long-term relationship. I'm not getting any younger, you know? I think long-term is what I need right now...
I really hope this isn't the last time I see you. You've come to mean so much to me. England will always have a special place in my heart... because of you.
Love,
Zoe
A tear slipped down her cheek as she composed her letter. Kyle was waiting for her at the door, so she swiped the tear before he could see it. Zoe felt an enormous amount of pressure around her heart and stomach. It was as if various parts of her anatomy were working together to change her mind. Because if she did change her mind, she knew the pain would go away.
"Are you ready to go?" Kyle asked.
Zoe looked around the apartment one last time, at the empty refrigerator, the old sofa, Ben's clothes that had been strewn beside the bed. Two days ago, she remembered looking at his discarded clothes and thinking she was the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the women in the world, Ben had removed his clothes for her. Surely that made her lucky?
"I guess so..." she whispered. When she stepped through the doorway, she felt more heavy-hearted than ever. Was it really over? Her adventures in London, her tryst with Ben--it would always be a highlight of her life. But in a way, it was a relief to know she would be returning home, back to a comfortable routine. She didn't need any unpredictable factors upsetting her peace of mind.
At Zoe's insistence, Kyle took her back to the Savoy for one more night. In the back of her head, she kept hoping Ben would show up and miraculously change her mind. Several hours after arriving at the hotel, she knew he had read her letter by now--and yet he hadn't tried to contact her. She thought he would send her a text, call her on the phone, or do something to sway her decision. Would he really be content with never seeing her again?
"Stupid Zoe..." she softly chided herself. "You are the one that left him. Why would you expect him to come chasing after you?"
Kyle had chased after her, had he not? Maybe Kyle had more backbone, and she definitely needed a man with backbone. Specifically, she needed a man--not a boy who might tire of her in a few months' time.
Her mom and Kyle were right. She and Ben were a mismatch and that's all there was to it!
"But I loved him!" Zoe shouted, sobbing into her pillow. "I loved him!" There was a crushing weight around her heart, and she had no one to blame but herself. She was the mastermind behind her anguish, the catalyst of her despair. The heartbreaking decision was hers to make, and now she had to live with it.
"It'll get easier with time..." Zoe whispered assurances to herself. "Just wait. You'll get back home... get back into the groove... everything will be okay."
At some point, she would have to forget about Benjamin Eastham. He would be a scar on her heart, and she would have to move on.
Zoe and Kyle spent the night in separate bedrooms, despite the fact that he was begging to have her in his arms. After enjoying dinner at the Savoy's restaurant, Kyle informed her that he had already booked a return flight home. "And I hope you appreciate it," he said, "because the last minute tickets were highway robbery."
They had to be at Heathrow at 10 A.M. tomorrow, which meant Zoe would have to wake up early to catch an international flight. She laid awake, tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Ben was the only thing she could think about. She missed his face, the feeling of his hands on her skin, and his perfectly posh British accent. She kept her cell phone close, hoping he would call her or text her. A few times, Zoe thought about sending a text to him, but she didn't want to give him any mixed signals. Her mind was made. She was going to go home, back to the United States, and nothing was going to stop her.
Not even the fact that she was in love with a British boy.
* * *
Zoe thought about asking Kyle to return to Lewis' house to collect her things, but it just wasn't worth it. Kyle had given her an empty duffle bag, which she used to pack her sparse belongings. "At least I won't have to check any baggage," she whispered to herself.
Having not slept at all, Zoe looked frightful. Her eyes were surrounded by bags, and she could hardly keep them open. They were puffy too--the fact that she cried her eyes out probably had something to do with it. As she stared at herself in the fluorescent light of the bathroom mirror, she thought she was vaguely reminiscent of a haunted house horror.
And she realized something else.
"I never cried for Kyle..." she whispered to herself. "Never. Not even one tear."
She met Kyle in the lobby, and he was kind enough to take her bag. But his kind gesture was overshadowed by a less-than-kind comment. "You look a little worse for wear. Did you have a rough night?"
"You could say that."
"But you're happy to be coming home?"
Zoe didn't think he would like her answer, so she kept her mouth shut. She squared her shoulders and charged out of the hotel, where a taxi was waiting for them outside.
And so was Ben.
Zoe didn't see him right away, since his presence was hardly expected. Before she could climb into the cab, Ben reached out and grabbed her arm.
"Zoe..."
When she turned around and saw his face, her heart was flooded with a plethora of emotions--the most prevalent one being relief.
"BEN!" Zoe squealed. Her purse slipped off her arm and tumbled to the sidewalk, but she didn't care. Her reaction was unexpected, even to her. She pounced on Ben, wrapped her legs around him, and smothered him with kisses. As overwhelmed as she was, it took her a moment to realize he wasn't returning her kisses. Her mouth was all over him, but his lips were as limp as Kyle's humor.
"Zoe..." he repeated her name with a note of irritation, and he put her on her feet. "You can't expect me to be happy right now."
"But you came!" she shrilled. "I'm so glad you came! I was about to make--"
"The biggest mistake of your life," Ben finished for her. "I can't believe you'd be so heartless that you would leave me. Twice. After everything we've been through!"
Behind her, Kyle cleared his throat, but Zoe didn't bother to acknowledge him. The only thing that mattered was that Ben was standing in front of her, and that he would save her from her insanity. "You aren't mad at me, are you?"
"Of course I'm angry!" Ben shouted. He held a hand against his chest, over his heart. "You're going to break me... break my heart! I had so much love for you. I put myself out there, and you crush me. You keep crushing me."
"Ben..."
"I'll never be good enough for you, will I?"
"AHEM!" Kyle pushed an arm between them, creating a wedge between the reunited couple. "Zoe... are we going to leave or what? We have a plane to catch."
"Oh, piss off!" Ben snapped. "This has nothing to do with you!"
"It has everything to do with me!" Kyle objected. "Zoe's coming with me, and if you're going to dispute that, I--"
This time, it was Zoe who spoke up. "Kyle... I really do think you should piss off."
"Zoe?!" The shrill shock in Kyle's voice was comical, almost cartoonish. "Are you serious?! You're going to choose him over me? I just booked a flight for you... a really expensive fucking flight! If you're not going to come, you better pay me back!"
"Kyle..." Zoe laid her hand against his chest and gave him a little shove. "Thanks for making my decision so much easier. I'll be sure to pay you back whenever I get the chance."
"Maybe your twelve-year-old boyfriend will give you the money... assuming he even has a job!" As Kyle walked off, they could hear him murmuring under his breath, "Stupid... can't make a decision and stick with it... why did I even bother?"
When Kyle got in the taxi and sped off, Zoe scooped her purse off the ground and turned her attention back to Ben. "I'm sorry..." she whispered.
From his pocket, Ben pulled out a slip of paper, which she recognized almost immediately. It was her note. "Do you know I've read this at least twenty times?" When he started to unfold it, she snatched it out of his hand.
"Ben, don't read it!"
"It doesn't matter if I read it. I've memorized it!" he said. "I don't think we should be together... I can't imagine us in a long-term relationship. Is that really how you feel?!"
"No!"
"Then why did you say it?! And what would have happened if I hadn't come? Would you go back to the States and forget all about me?!"
"Of course not!" Zoe exclaimed. "It's just that... everyone was putting a lot of pressure on me. Kyle... my mom. I didn't know what to do!"
"And why do you let other people dictate your life?!" Ben snapped. "You can't make your decisions based on how others feel... you have to pay attention to how you feel. If you let others make decisions for you, you'll never have what you want."
Zoe hanged her head in shame. Ben's words made a lot of sense. He was younger than her, but he might have been wiser. "You're right. You're absolutely right."
People kept passing them on the busy sidewalk, and they were attracting more than a few stares from curious passersby. Zoe grabbed his hand and pulled him into the hotel lobby, where they continued their discussion.
"I wasn't sure I would be able to sway you on my own..." Ben said. "So I went to Stevenage... to visit Chris. He wrote you a note."
"Chris?!" Zoe was overcome by a fresh wave of guilt. "W-well what did he have to say?"
Ben pulled out another slip of paper and handed it to her. Chris' messy scrawl was unmistakeable.
Uncle Ben said you were leaving, but I don't want you to go. I have two new friends at school but you are still my favourite one. I know I made things hard for you sometimes but you really are my best mate. You made me feel better about stuff when no one else could. if you stay, I promise I'll be better.
When she finished reading the note, a tear slipped from her eye. She smashed the tear against her cheek and drew a deep breath.
"I feel... terrible," she said. "I wasn't thinking."
; "How could you leave your boys?" Ben asked, pouting. "Isn't is obvious that we need you? That we love you?"
"I love you too! Ben..." Zoe slipped her arms around him and pulled him closer, until she could rest her head against his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!"
"How am I suppose to believe that I'm the one you want to be with?" Ben's voice crackled a bit, as if he was on the verge of tears. "What if you leave me again? If I'm going to put my heart on the line, I need to know you won't break it."
"I won't!" she shouted, as adamantly as she could. "I swear I won't. You're the one I want, Ben. You've always been the one I want."
"I've never loved anyone before... no one but you."
When Ben started running a hand through her hair, Zoe thought she might pass out. She had never felt anything so wonderful. "Do you mean that?"
"I do!" Ben exclaimed. "You're my first love. Honest. That's why it kills me when you say you wouldn't want a long-term relationship."
"I do want a long-term relationship with you!" Zoe insisted. "I just... I wasn't sure that's what you wanted."
"OF COURSE that's what I want. I'm not the one who ran out on you yesterday!"
"I'm sorry!" she trilled. "I want to be with you, I love you, and I don't care what anyone else thinks."
"You swear it?"
"Yes!" Zoe nodded so adamantly, she felt her neck pop. "I swear!"
"Very well..." Ben tapped the tip of her nose with his forefinger. "Then I forgive you."
Ben cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand and leaned down to kiss her, long and hard. Had they been paying attention to anything but themselves, they might have noticed the mustached receptionist who was staring at them like they were crazy.
"Ben?" Zoe stared into his eyes, those golden brown eyes she loved so much.
"Yes, sweetheart?"