by Heidi Perks
Kathryn had been clear she didn’t want them having access to the web. ‘There’s too many people out there who’ll pretend to be someone they aren’t,’ she told them. ‘It’s safer walking the streets than being in some chatting room.’
‘Chatroom, Mum. And even thirteen-year-olds can use Facebook,’ Hannah retorted.
‘I don’t care! They’re not my daughters.’
Eventually agreeing to buy them mobile phones, Kathryn had spent ages choosing ones that didn’t have access to Wi-Fi or 3G connections. Hannah had thrown the phone in her bag in disgust when she had been given it. She wasn’t going to let anyone at school see she didn’t have the latest iPhone – they’d be laughing stocks.
‘Hey, girls!’
Hannah looked up to see Dom walking towards them, Cal slinking behind as always, trapped in his shadow. Dom was smiling directly at Hannah, a smile that heated her up, and she prayed she wasn’t blushing. She took another large mouthful of her drink and, getting used to the taste, managed to swallow it without flinching.
‘Do you mind if we sit with you?’
‘Actually, I’ve just seen Sophie,’ Lauren said to Hannah. ‘I’m going to talk to her. I’ll be back in a bit, OK? And we’ll need to go soon,’ she added, looking at her sister pointedly.
Hannah sidled up the bench to make room for Dom, handing Lauren’s empty cup to Cal, who’d said he was going for refills.
‘So, are you going into town later?’ Dom asked.
Hannah shook her head. ‘I doubt it,’ she said. ‘You?’
‘I’d rather not but I imagine Cal will drag me down there later. It’s a shame you’re not coming, I might enjoy myself a bit more if you were there.’ He smiled at Hannah and she took another gulp of her drink. Was he coming on to her? Hannah had never had a boyfriend, and she had no idea how she was expected to act.
‘Maybe we could get our drinks and go for a walk on the beach instead?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know.’ Hannah felt the heat spreading down her neck. She knew she must be the colour of beetroot by now. She saw her sister with her back to her, deep in conversation with Sophie. She would have to tell Lauren if she went off with Dom, she couldn’t just slip away. But if Lauren ended up going home without her then there’d be hell to pay. ‘I mean, my mum’s expecting us back and I don’t know—’ Hannah stopped, annoyed she was still letting her mother dictate what she did. Dom wouldn’t be interested in someone who ran back to her mummy, not when he had Becky ready to pounce on him, given half a chance. ‘OK,’ she smiled. ‘Let’s do it.’
‘Great! I’ll tell Cal if he ever gets back with the drinks, but by the look of it he might be a while. I think Becky has snared him, poor guy. He’s probably in his element, though I can’t imagine why he would be.’
‘Oh? You don’t think she’s pretty?’
‘Becky?’ he asked, turning back to look at the group, who were by now dancing and singing loudly. ‘She’s OK. Bit too plastic-looking for me,’ he laughed.
Hannah smiled. ‘I’ll go and tell Lauren we’re going,’ she said. She knew how her sister would react and was prepared for them to fall out over it, but their arguments never lasted long. Hannah wouldn’t be late and as soon as she got home that night and into bed, Lauren would be fine with her again. It was her mum who would take more careful handling, but right now all she could think about was being alone on the beach with Dom. It was a risk worth taking.
‘You have to be kidding,’ Lauren said. ‘Mum is going to be furious. She’ll probably go out looking for you.’
‘Then just don’t tell her where I am. Tell her I’m with Sophie, or one of the others. Please, Lauren. I promise you I won’t be late. I’ll only be an hour or so then I swear I’ll come home.’
Lauren shook her head. ‘Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
*****
Hannah didn’t notice how late it had got and when she looked at her watch and realised two hours had passed, she told Dom she was going to have to go. He insisted on walking her back to her house, but they stopped at the corner of the lane, where he held her face between his hands and kissed her gently on the lips, then told her that he would like to see her again if that was OK with her. Hannah hadn’t been kissed before, and when she quietly closed the front door behind her, she leaned back against it and touched her lips gently: she was in love.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Her mum’s voice made her jump. Hannah turned and saw Kathryn sitting at the table. ‘You said you’d be home at ten, and it’s nearly eleven. Where have you been?’
‘I didn’t realise the time,’ Hannah said calmly. She knew her mother was angry but she didn’t care. Nothing could ruin her good mood. ‘I was just talking to the others who didn’t go into town, and I forgot the time.’
‘Were you with a boy?’
‘There were boys there.’
‘Don’t be smart. I’m asking if you went off with a boy, Hannah. You’re too young to be doing things like that.’
‘Actually I’m not, Mum. I’m perfectly old enough to have a boyfriend if I want one.’ Hannah started walking up the stairs. This was getting ridiculous, she was sick of being treated like a child.
‘If I find out you’re lying to me—’ Kathryn shouted as Hannah got to the top of the stairs and closed the bedroom door behind her.
‘You’ll what?’ she muttered to herself. There were plenty of threats but Hannah wasn’t ever sure they would come to anything. Besides, there was little her mum could do to stop her seeing Dom.
‘You still awake?’ she whispered to Lauren, crawling into the single bed next to her sister’s.
‘Just.’
‘Dom’s amazing,’ Hannah sighed. ‘I was really nervous going down to the beach with him but he was so lovely. We did nothing but talk, it was so nice.’
‘I heard Mum waiting downstairs for you,’ Lauren said.
‘He asked me out,’ Hannah giggled. ‘We’re meeting up next Thursday, as soon as we break up.’
‘Seriously?’
‘I know,’ Hannah giggled.
‘Mum will freak, of course.’
‘Of course.’
‘Does she know how old he is?’
‘He’s only eighteen, Lauren. He’s hardly a dirty old man,’ Hannah sighed. ‘He’s gorgeous. And he’s so into me, asking loads of stuff about me, like what I’m going to do after school, if I want to go to Uni. “What are your dreams?” he asked!’
‘Sounds like a prick.’
‘You’re just jealous. Anyway, guess what? He’s going to lend me his iPad. He says he’ll help look for our dad. He seemed really into the idea.’
Lauren rolled over and stared at her sister. ‘What? You told him you were looking for our dad? What the hell did you do that for, Hannah? Now it’s going to be all over the Bay.’
‘It won’t. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone.’
‘You’re unbelievable,’ Lauren said, rolling back and closing her eyes. ‘Now shut up and let me get some sleep. And Mum’s pissed off with you, by the way.’
‘So what’s new?’ Hannah said, plumping the pillow beneath her and lying on her back. She lay awake for a while. There were too many exciting things to think about and suddenly the summer seemed like it was full of possibilities she hadn’t imagined a week ago. With Dom’s help she could find their dad. Since planning to look for him the thought of it had been burning away inside her. He was another piece of her jigsaw. Yes, she got that he left them when they were children, and she could see why Lauren might not be interested in giving him a chance, but Hannah wanted to. Because what if they had some connection she had been missing out on all her life? What if he was the parent she actually got along with? They could spend summers and Christmases together, and he could drive her to places and listen to what she was up to, and tell her to follow her dreams rather than trying to suppress them, like her mum did.
She listened to the gentle slowing of Lauren’s breathing and knew w
hen her sister had fallen asleep. Listening to her was like the familiar ticking of a clock. Hannah blew her sister a kiss, and closed her eyes. She couldn’t imagine being able to sleep if Lauren wasn’t in the bed next to her, but the more she dreamed of bigger things, the further she felt she was slipping away from her.
– Eleven –
There was a time when Kathryn was eight that she remembers clearly. She was walking with her mother, holding hands. It was autumn and the pavements were heavy with leaves. Brown, gold, red … Kathryn couldn’t take her eyes off the colours as she watched them tumble over her shoes. Cars were swooshing past her, but she was trying to concentrate on the crunch of the leaves underfoot. It was a busy road and that was why her mother had such a tight grip on her, one that occasionally felt too tight on her hands.
‘Walk carefully.’ She felt a yank on her arm. But the leaves were so beautiful and she wanted to run through them and kick them high into the air. Kathryn started to skip. She was still in step with her mother, knowing not to go ahead. ‘Stop it,’ her mother hissed. ‘Stop skipping,’ her voice louder that time. Kathryn’s hand was pushed away and she no longer had anyone to hold onto, no one keeping her safe, and suddenly the roar of cars was louder than the crunching of leaves. Her mother had already started walking ahead of her, and Kathryn had to run to keep up with her. Head down, she knew she was being punished by no longer having her mother’s hand to hold but she couldn’t understand why. Was it her happiness that annoyed Eleanor?
Lately memories were flooding back, ones she hadn’t given any thought to for years. It was almost like a valve had opened up in her head and was allowing dribs and drabs of her past to seep back in when she had thought she had managed to keep them out.
Kathryn pulled the duvet off. It was too hot in the bedroom and she was sweating under the covers. It was the fourth night that week she hadn’t been able to sleep and she considered asking for more tablets from Dr Morgan, although he was often reluctant. He didn’t believe medication was always the answer for Kathryn and had asked her to come in and see him about some things soon. She had agreed, what harm could it do? Her old doctor was dead now and she had to get used to someone else taking care of her.
Slowly easing herself out of bed, Kathryn realised how drained she felt. All she wanted to do was get back into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. But her eyes, despite their heaviness, were wide open, as if searching for something. Her body might be telling her to sleep but her mind wasn’t at rest.
Hannah hadn’t come home until eleven the previous night even though she had promised she would be back by ten. Kathryn could hear her mother’s voice telling her she couldn’t control her own daughters. She feared Eleanor was right about that too and there was little she actually was capable of.
Knowing she wouldn’t get back to sleep, Kathryn crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. She filled the kettle and sat at the breakfast table, waiting for it to boil. Her fingernails were in a state, she noticed, inspecting her hands that were splayed on the table in front of her. Bitten like a child’s. She must have been absent-mindedly chewing them again. The nail on her right thumb had been gnawed so low the flesh was starting to bleed. ‘Damn,’ she muttered under her breath as she looked for a plaster, pulling out kitchen drawers. She knew she had bought plasters the other week, only it wasn’t obvious where she had put them. Everything in her kitchen had a place. Her plasters had a place. The girls would joke about how organised it was, yet now she couldn’t for the life of her think where those wretched plasters were.
The more she looked, the more aggravated Kathryn got. Heat was rising at the back of her neck, bubbling under the surface of her skin. Even in her thin nightie she felt the need to flap the top of it to cool herself down. It was all so stupid. The blood on her thumb had already dried up, but the fact she couldn’t find the plasters made her determined not to stop until she did.
‘Mum?’
Kathryn heard the voice but didn’t stop pulling out drawers and opening cupboards. They had to be somewhere; plasters didn’t just vanish.
‘Mum, what are you doing?’
‘I’m looking for something,’ she muttered.
‘What are you looking for?’ Lauren asked. ‘Mum!’ she grabbed Kathryn’s arm, causing her to swing round and face her. ‘What are you looking for?’
Kathryn stopped and stared at Lauren, wondering why her daughter looked concerned. Then out of the corner of her eye saw the chaos she had created. The room was usually so pristine; if she hadn’t been standing in the middle of the mess she would have assumed they’d been burgled.
‘Well, who knew we had so much stuff?’ Kathryn said.
Lauren stared at her in disbelief. ‘It’s not usually tossed around the kitchen. What were you looking for anyway?’
‘A plaster,’ Kathryn said, holding her thumb up.
‘For what?’
‘It was bleeding.’
Lauren grabbed the thumb and held it up to her eye. ‘Bloody hell, Mum! I can’t believe you made all this mess for that.’
‘Please don’t swear.’
‘Have you even looked in the medicine box?’ Lauren said as she started packing everything back into the open drawers.
Ah, the medicine box! Of course, that was where they would be. How silly she hadn’t thought to look there.
‘Yes, although only quickly,’ Kathryn said. ‘Don’t do that, Lauren. I’ll tidy this away.’
‘How old is some of this? Do you throw anything away?’ Lauren held up a postcard and looked at the back. Kathryn recognised the picture: Morrie had sent it from Scotland three years ago. She took the postcard out of Lauren’s hand and shoved it back into the drawer.
‘I said please don’t worry about it, Lauren. I can tidy up.’
‘Maybe we could sort through it, then you’ll know where everything is.’
‘I do know where everything is,’ Kathryn replied. ‘I don’t need to sort through any of it.’
‘Seriously?’ Lauren asked, gathering papers and tins and boxes from the floor. ‘You know what’s in every one of these?’
‘Paperclips, elastic bands, pens, stamps … Yes, I know what’s in every one of them, Lauren. I’m not losing my mind, thank you,’ she snapped.
‘I didn’t say you were,’ Lauren sighed. ‘And what about this?’ she added, holding up a faded brown manila envelope that had fallen out of the back of the larder cupboard. ‘What’s in here?’
Kathryn’s eyes widened. She hadn’t seen that for years. Maybe not since they had moved to the house. It was the middle of the night when they had arrived in Mull Bay. She had taken the girls’ sleeping bodies up to their room, one at a time, and laid them carefully in their beds, Lauren on the right and Hannah on the left. She could remember the night as if it were yesterday. The Bay had felt eerie, and she was alone. It had been so frightening; she had had no idea how the following day was going to pan out, let alone their whole future. Just her and the girls in a new home, where she was supposed to be spending the rest of her life, and all she could do was trust the people who’d told her to go. She couldn’t believe that was fourteen years ago, and they were still living in the same cottage. Her mother had been right: things had turned out as she had said they would. Her mother was always right.
Kathryn had stuffed the envelope at the back of the cupboard that night. The girls were too young at the time to reach the top shelf of the larder cupboard, and she had always planned to move it when she found a more suitable place but had forgotten all about it. She lurched forward, reaching for the envelope as Lauren pulled her hand back.
‘Uh-uh,’ Lauren laughed. ‘Not until you tell me what’s in it.’
‘Give it here now,’ Kathryn demanded.
‘Of course I could always have a look,’ she said, pretending to peel back its seal.
‘I said give it here now,’ Kathryn stood up. ‘That’s personal and you have no right looking at it.’
‘Fine,’ Lauren
said, handing her the envelope. ‘I was only mucking about.’
Kathryn turned back to the kettle that had now boiled and poured hot water into a mug. As she did so she could feel her daughter’s eyes penetrating the back of her head. She was sorry she had snapped at Lauren but now her hands were shaking and all she wanted to do was get out of the room, and be on her own.
‘What are you doing up so early?’ she said, but when she looked around Lauren had already gone.
With a deep sigh Kathryn finished making her mug of tea. The envelope needed a safer place, not stuffed at the back of a kitchen cupboard. It was a foolish error on her part, but she hadn’t had any need for the papers inside since they’d arrived in Mull Bay. If the girls ever saw what was there, though … A safe box was needed, she decided, climbing the stairs, back to her room. That or something else she could lock. She would get one from the hardware store that morning.
At the top of the stairs Kathryn could hear the girls talking in hushed tones behind their bedroom door. She could imagine Lauren telling Hannah about the state of the kitchen and how Kathryn had snapped at her. Hannah would be rolling her eyes in response, muttering something about how typical that was, and why hadn’t she looked in the envelope; she would have.
She had always taught the girls it wasn’t right to eavesdrop but they were talking so quietly, Kathryn needed to know what they were saying. Carefully treading on the carpet to miss the creaks in the floorboards, she edged closer to the door and leaned in as far as she could.
‘I really wish you wouldn’t,’ Lauren whispered.
Silence. Then Hannah mumbled something she couldn’t grasp. This was ridiculous, she thought, and was about to back away when she heard, ‘Mum’s going to find out, you know. And when she does, she’ll stop you doing anything about it.’
About what?
Kathryn edged a little closer.
‘She needn’t know if you don’t say anything,’ Hannah replied.
Kathryn’s eyebrows furrowed. What were her daughters talking about?