by Heidi Perks
‘Don’t bother,’ I said, an automatic response for the teenager I had become, although inside all I wanted to do was shout, ‘Yes, please make me a cake! That’s exactly what I want for my birthday.’
She gave me a look of resignation and sighed as she walked out of the room and into the kitchen. I listened hard, hoping to hear signs of baking, but there were none. Eventually I followed her in under the pretence of making myself a drink and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring into space.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
Nothing.
‘Mum?’
Her skin was so pale I remember it as almost blue, and her eyes were glazed over as if a film had been pulled across them. I continued to watch for any sign of movement, but none came. She was motionless except for the twitch of her hand, clutched around something so tightly her knuckles were white.
‘Mum, is that a bottle of pills in your hand?’ I asked. Still nothing. I grabbed her hand and tried to prise the fingers apart until they eventually fell open, releasing the bottle and sending tiny white tablets scattering across the floor.
‘Jesus! Have you had any of these?’ I shouted.
She snapped out of her trance and stared at the floor, where I was gathering the pills and tipping them back into their bottle.
‘Yes, I’ve had two,’ she replied with clarity. ‘They are paracetamol, Abigail. I have a headache.’ She snatched the bottle out of my grasp and screwed the cap back on, placing them back on the highest shelf of our cupboard.
‘You don’t have to stay with him, you know, Mum,’ I said. ‘If he doesn’t make you happy, we can always leave.’
When she looked at me her face was softer. I swore she was about to tell me what was really going on inside that mixed-up head of hers and agree that yes, we should definitely leave. She opened her mouth to speak and then clamped it shut, turning to look out of the window and after a moment back at me. Her face had changed again; there was none of the softness I had seen only seconds before. Instead the glazed look was back and she eventually spoke in a cool, even tone.
‘Abigail, I love Peter and he loves me. I do not ever want to hear you suggest anything so preposterous again. Do you understand me?’
My heart sank, taking any hope I had with it. Had my mother’s soul been taken away and replaced with mechanical parts? I wouldn’t have been surprised.
‘You’re pathetic,’ I spat at her, angrily. ‘He doesn’t love you. Anyone can see that.’
I can still feel the sting of her hand across my face.
– Sixteen –
Something woke Hannah at a quarter to five. Her body jolted with sudden alertness and she lay listening for a clue. Then came the slam of a car door and the low rumble of an engine ticking over. She knew it was her mum’s Peugeot before she’d even made it to the window to watch Kathryn drive down the lane, turn the corner and disappear out of sight.
‘Lauren, wake up.’ She shook her sister by the shoulder. ‘Mum’s just driven off somewhere.’
Lauren groaned and stirred but didn’t open her eyes.
‘Lauren,’ Hannah said louder.
‘What’s the matter?’ Lauren hissed.
‘I said, Mum’s just driven off somewhere. Do you know where she’s gone?’
‘What’s the time?’ Lauren asked, rubbing her eyes.
‘It’s not even 5 o’clock,’ Hannah said, grabbing her watch from the bedside table and checking it. ‘That’s my point. Where’s she going at this time of the morning?’
‘Go downstairs and see if she’s left a note,’ Lauren said sleepily, rolling out of bed to look out of the window herself. ‘If not, we’ll try calling her.’
Unable to find a note, Hannah picked up the phone and punched in the numbers for her mum’s mobile. They hadn’t spoken much since she’d threatened to leave the house the week before. Hannah had tried to keep out of her mum’s way, and in turn, Kathryn hadn’t said anything more about Dominic. She didn’t have any intention of leaving, it wouldn’t come to that, but for now she was pleased the threat had appeared to subdue her mum’s constant questioning.
The phone rang out at the other end and clicked into answerphone. After the beep, Hannah left a message: ‘Mum? I just saw you drive off. Where are you?’
Hannah poured two glasses of orange juice and took them up to the bedroom. Neither of them would get any sleep now that Mum had apparently gone AWOL.
‘She didn’t say anything to you, then?’ she asked Lauren, passing her one of the glasses and getting back into bed.
‘Not a thing,’ said Lauren. ‘Where do you think she’s gone?’
Hannah yawned. ‘No idea, nor has she, probably.’
‘I’m worried about her.’ Lauren looked at her sister earnestly. ‘She’s doing strange things again.’
Hannah flicked at the remote control to turn on the television that sat in the corner of the room. ‘There’s nothing decent on.’
‘Of course there isn’t. Most people don’t get up this early.’
‘Most normal people, anyway. What do you mean by strange things?’
‘She doesn’t seem to know what’s going on, she looks like her head is constantly somewhere else entirely. Oh, I don’t know, it’s just like she’s not with us half the time. Do you know what I mean?’
Hannah nodded, still gazing at the TV as she flicked through the channels. ‘She went out in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago, too. She doesn’t know I saw her, but I’d gone to the loo and clocked her through the window, coming home about this time.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Lauren asked, propping a pillow against the headboard and sitting up.
‘It slipped my mind. Blimey, The Jeremy Kyle Show’s on!’ Hannah laughed.
‘Turn it over,’ groaned Lauren, reaching for the remote as Hannah pulled her hand away.
‘Let’s watch the news, then. She might turn up on it.’
‘Why? What are you thinking she’s done?’
‘I’m thinking that if she’s not thinking properly at the moment,’ Hannah said, ‘she could be doing anything right now. Maybe she’s standing in her pyjamas, holding a poor man hostage behind a petrol station counter.’
‘Don’t say that, now I’m going to worry.’
‘I’m only joking,’ Hannah laughed. ‘She’s fine. There’ll be an explanation.’
Lauren sighed. ‘She’s got a lot on her mind, what with Grandma and—’
‘Go on, say it,’ Hannah interrupted. ‘Me and Dom.’
‘She’s worrying about you, that’s all.’
But Hannah didn’t think it was that. For a while her mum’s strange moods had been bubbling under the surface. She was always on edge, snapping at one of them as soon as they tried stepping away from the precious life plan she’d carefully mapped out for them. Increasingly, Hannah had felt her mum knew exactly what she wanted from her and her sister. What bothered her was how far Kathryn would go to make sure she got what she wanted.
Grabbing a packet of face wipes, Hannah pulled one out and rubbed it over her skin. ‘She’s trying to stop me from seeing him.’
‘Well, clearly that’s not working,’ Lauren said. ‘And that’s gross! Look how much make-up’s come off on that. You should take it off before you go to bed.’
‘But Dom’s a good guy. Mum has no right, or reason, to not want me seeing him. Why isn’t she happy I’ve found someone decent?’ Hannah turned to her sister. ‘And why don’t you like him, Lauren? I want you to like my boyfriend.’
‘I don’t not like him.’
‘But?’ Hannah asked.
Lauren shrugged. ‘I just don’t like the way it’s causing this atmosphere in the house. I’m treading on eggshells every time I’m at home. You and Mum, tiptoeing around each other, it makes me feel uncomfortable.’
‘And you really think that’s all come about since Dom’s been on the scene? Come on, Lauren, her moods are nothing new.’ Hannah clambered off the bed an
d peered out of the window but there was still no sign of their mum returning.
Lauren picked up the remote control and carried on flicking through the channels, pausing when she came across Jeremy Kyle again. ‘At least we aren’t as bad as them,’ she said, pointing the remote at the TV.
‘We’re not far off!’
*****
At 9.30 a.m. the girls heard a car pull up outside the house.
‘She’s back!’ Hannah called as she went to the window to look out. ‘Oh my God, Lauren! You’ll never guess what she’s brought back with her.’
‘What?’ Lauren asked as she ran down the stairs.
‘Grandma.’
Hannah opened the door and watched Eleanor, who was holding onto the gate with one hand and gesticulating with the other. Their mum was gently pulling her mother’s right arm to remove her from the gate.
‘Come on, Mother,’ Kathryn urged. ‘You must remember the Bay? And our cottage?’
Lauren joined Hannah at the door. ‘What’s she playing at? There’s no way Grandma will remember it here.’
‘I can’t believe they let her out,’ Hannah whispered. ‘Do you think Mum stole her?’
‘No! Do you think she did?’ Lauren gasped. ‘Do you think we should call them?’
‘No, let’s see what she says … if they ever get in the house.’
Kathryn finally encouraged her mother up the path, Eleanor barely looking up as she walked past the girls into the living room, where Kathryn plumped up cushions in the armchair and made a fuss of settling her into it, turning the chair so she could look out of the window. The girls hovered by the door and waited for their mum to come out of the room.
‘Why’s Grandma here?’ Lauren asked, following her into the kitchen.
‘Because I thought she could do with a nice day out,’ Kathryn responded casually. She might as well have said, I thought I would have Weetabix this morning. ‘Maybe we could take her to the beach later?’ she added.
‘But she hasn’t been out of the home for a year,’ Lauren continued.
‘I know that,’ Kathryn snapped, ‘and that’s why I thought it was time for a trip.’
‘Do they know she’s here?’ Hannah asked.
‘Of course they do.’
‘And they don’t mind?’
‘She is my mother,’ Kathryn said, raising her voice, before taking a deep breath and adding more calmly, ‘and if I want to take her out, then I will do.’
‘So, they do mind,’ Hannah muttered under her breath. She watched as her mother set about the kitchen, humming quietly as she made a pot of tea, arranging biscuits on a plate and reaching far into the cupboard for cups and saucers, laying it all on a tray. Hannah didn’t even recognise the white porcelain decorated with delicate blue birds her mum had produced. Kathryn was engrossed in the particulars of this little tea party charade, as if she believed that alone would solve all of their problems.
‘When is it lunchtime?’ Eleanor called from the living room.
‘Not yet, Mother,’ their mum sang out.
‘Did she bring a bag in?’ Hannah asked her sister once Kathryn had taken the tray through. ‘Do you think Mum plans to keep her here or do you reckon she’ll be going back tonight?’
*****
By 11 a.m. Kathryn was noticeably agitated by Eleanor’s relentless requests for lunch. ‘Fine,’ she snapped. ‘I’ll make it now.’ Sandwiches were presented on the everyday plates from Marks & Spencer and they sat around the table in the garden. Eleanor silently ignored the lunch she had been offered, a fact that in turn Kathryn tried to ignore as she continued to spout everything that came into her head. Hannah had long since ducked out of the pantomime playing out in front of her. She wished she didn’t have to watch it unravel further. Her mum’s anguish was embarrassing.
By midday, their grandmother was back in the armchair, looking out to the lane she clearly had no memory of. Waiting. For what Hannah couldn’t tell. Probably to be taken back to the home; to see something or someone that meant something to her because sitting in their cottage in Mull Bay she looked completely out of her depth. Eleanor had worn the same confused expression on her face since they had first seen her at the gate.
‘I really think she wants to go back soon,’ Lauren said, pulling her mum to one side.
‘Nonsense, she’s having a lovely day.’
‘Mum, she’s got no idea where she is.’
‘Let’s go the beach. A little sea air does everyone the world of good.’
They watched as their mum coaxed Eleanor to stand up, struggling to put her cardigan on her. Every time Kathryn reached out to take hold of her mother’s arm, Eleanor batted it away as if swatting a fly. Kathryn’s patience was wavering. It seemed obvious to Hannah sea air was not what Eleanor wanted. Eventually the cardigan was slung back over the arm of the chair. Another pot of tea was made, this time served in mugs with tea spilling over the edge as it was placed heavily on the coffee table.
‘Fine,’ Kathryn said eventually. ‘I’ll take you back to the home.’
Eleanor almost sprang from the chair she’d been cocooned in all day, wobbling only slightly as she pulled her cardigan over her shoulders and announced she needed the bathroom.
‘Do you want us to come with you to the home?’ Lauren asked her mum as they waited in the hallway.
Hannah threw her sister a look and Lauren shrugged in return.
‘I just wanted it to be a special day for her,’ Kathryn said, leaning against the bathroom door. ‘I wanted her to see the Bay. I was sure she always liked it here, I thought she’d remember the cottage.’
‘Mum, it was a sweet idea.’ Lauren took hold of her mum’s arm. ‘I’m sure she still enjoyed herself.’
‘I thought if she was back here, she might start remembering more. I could turn back time.’
‘Well, you don’t know how much she’s taken in,’ Lauren tried. ‘It might have helped more than you think.’
As Kathryn grabbed hold of Lauren’s arm, a determined look flashed across her face. ‘I think that home is repressing her,’ she said, leaning in close for fear of Eleanor hearing. ‘I’ve been thinking maybe I should move her in with us.’
‘Mum, you can’t,’ Hannah gasped.
‘Why not? You think I can’t look after my own mother? I could do a better job than they’re doing. I don’t trust those nurses.’
The bathroom door opened and Eleanor shuffled out. In that moment it struck Hannah, watching her grandmother struggle to pull the light cord, how she was a shell of the woman she had once been. Her mum might not see it, or perhaps she didn’t want to, but despite the way Eleanor had been it was still a sad thing to see. It wasn’t possible for her to dictate anyone else’s life anymore, she couldn’t even control her own; her words no longer meant anything. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing Mum had done that day, she thought. All she had wanted was for her own mother to see a piece of the life she’d once enjoyed.
Eleanor had stopped and was clutching the bannister at the bottom of the stairs, looking intently at Hannah. Her eyebrows were arched in concentration as she stared at her granddaughter, but for once Hannah no longer felt frightened by her.
‘Is everything all right, Grandma?’ she asked.
‘What are you doing here?’ Eleanor asked, her long bony fingers curling and uncurling over the wooden post.
‘I live here.’
Eleanor shook her head, and Hannah could feel the stillness around her. Everyone had stopped what they were doing; the air was heavy with anticipation, each of them waiting to hear what Eleanor was going to say next. The moment of tenderness she had felt towards the old woman was passing.
‘And what have you been up to this time?’ her voice rose. ‘No good, I expect. Thinking you can come in here with those ideas of yours, ruining things for everyone.’
Hannah squirmed and turned to look at her mum, her gaze imploring her to come to the rescue. But Kathryn was rooted to the spot, frozen in the mom
ent, her mouth hanging open in shock.
‘Mum?’ Hannah whispered. ‘What’s going on?’ It was clear her grandma didn’t know what she was talking about but it was unnerving, and she was desperate for Kathryn to step in.
‘Well, I won’t let you, girl! Do you hear me?’ Eleanor was saying, leaning in closer.
‘Grandma, I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Hannah said. Eleanor seemed to believe so powerfully in what she was saying, even though it made no sense to anyone else.
‘Mum,’ Lauren said from behind her. ‘Say something, what’s Grandma talking about?’
But still Kathryn didn’t answer.
‘I’ll make sure you don’t ever breathe a word of it,’ Eleanor continued, stooping forward and looking Hannah directly in the eye.
‘That’s enough!’ Kathryn finally snapped to. ‘We’re going back to the home now, Mother.’ She pushed Hannah out of the way and reached past her to grab Eleanor’s arm, dragging her towards the door as quickly as her frail legs could take her. Ushering her mother down the path, Kathryn didn’t look back at the girls standing in the doorway, both confused but relieved their grandmother was leaving.
They had reached the gate when Eleanor turned to look back at them.
‘Abigail,’ she said nodding, as if the name had just come back to her. ‘That’s who you are.’
‘Abigail?’ Lauren asked. ‘Who’s she talking about, Mum?’
But Kathryn, who had by then manoeuvred her mother through the gate and onto the lane, didn’t bother answering.
‘What was all that about?’ Lauren said, turning to Hannah, who was still watching them clamber into the car.
‘Search me,’ she replied, but Hannah was shaken. There was something about her grandmother’s tone, something in the way she had looked at her. Whoever Eleanor thought she’d seen in that moment, she truly believed it was someone called Abigail.
Abigail, Hannah rolled the name around in her mouth. Ab-Gail. She knew the name, she was sure of it.
– Seventeen –
Kathryn tried keeping her mind on the road ahead because getting her mother safely back to the home was something tangible she could focus on. On the one hand she wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but on the other she had an hour with her mother to herself and talking to her had been the main reason behind bringing Eleanor back to the Bay. She had hoped that a change of scenery, a place that might trigger memories, would relax her mother into opening up to her. But then Eleanor had thrown Abigail’s name into the pot and now Kathryn could feel herself slipping deeper, much deeper, into the hole in which she had been sinking these past few weeks, and she knew she would have to pull herself out fast if she was going to confront her mother.