by HJ Bellus
“Maybe she shouldn’t have been a bitch to Baylor.”
“She has her reasons.”
“What, for fuck sakes?” I roar.
“She’ll tell you in her own time.”
“Fuck this.” I rise to my feet and send my fist through the wall.
“Sit.” My dad throws me down into a chair.
I stay there with my head in my hands for the next several hours. Soon Ryder and Coach Pete are in the waiting room with us. Other teammates trickle in over time. Nobody talks as the time ticks by on the clock.
“State.” A nurse walks into the room.
“Baylor would like to see you.”
I shake my head side to side. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”
Coach Pete stands before me and holds out his hand. “Stand up, son.”
Like always, I listen to him. He wraps me up in a tight hug. “She needs you now. She deserves to hear it from you. Be there for her and fucking love that girl like no tomorrow.”
I back away and nod. I ride the elevator three floors up with the nurse, and follow her as she guides me to Baylor’s room. She’s relaxed in the bed unlike last time I saw her. Both of her arms are bandaged along with one of her claves. She’s shivering in the bed.
That makes me go to her in three long strides. I pull the blankets up over her body and want to yell at a nurse asking why she was lying there shivering.
“State.”
“Baylor.” I smile down at her.
“It’s bad, uh?” Tears roll from the corner of her eyes.
“Yes, honey, it is.”
“Lay with me.” She pats the side of her bed.
I round the end of the bed and then fold my body next to hers. I’m careful not to bump or hurt her already damaged body.
“No, State, hold me please, before you have to tell me.”
“Baby, I’ll hurt you.”
“Not any more than I already am. Can we just lie here for a while before my whole world is destroyed? Just hold me.”
I scoop her up in my arms and hold her to my chest. She silently cries for a long time. I smooth down her hair and kiss the top of her head over a hundred times.
“Miss Tami didn’t make it.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and cry with Baylor. Her body wracks with sobs. It breaks my heart for so many reasons. Miss Tami saved us over and over again, and now she’s gone.
“Rowe’s in surgery. I’m not sure when we will be updated.”
“State.” She pounds my chest. “Take it away please. Just take it all away for me.”
“I can’t, baby. I can’t. I would if I could. I’m here. Always here for you.”
We lay in the bed silently for the next several hours crying for our loss. She never asks me to leave and for that I’m thankful. Floods of anger stream from her, but she keeps me close.
“Baylor.” There’s a slight knock at the door. I look up to see my mom.
She lets herself into the room and walks up to the side of the bed opposite of me. She grabs Baylor’s hand, and I notice she’s in scrubs. It’s the mother I know and love.
“Rowe is out of surgery and doing well.”
“What?” Baylor’s confusion is all over her face.
I sit up to allow her to sit up as well, but pull her right back into my chest.
“I-uh.” My mom fumbles over her words. “I was able to step in and help with her surgery. They were going to have to fly in a surgeon from Chicago. I didn’t want to wait.”
She takes our silence as approval to go ahead and explain details.
“Most of the time was spent reconstructing two of her fingers. They were nearly cut off.”
“She was buckling,” Baylor whispers.
Guilt washes over me. Did I cause the wreck? She unbuckled to talk to me. Did I distract Miss Tami, too?
“They’ll heal fine. Her spleen and appendix also ruptured. It was a very traumatic crash. She’s one very blessed little girl. She should be waking up soon. She’ll want to see both of you.”
“Thank you,” Baylor whispers.
“This may not be the right time, Baylor, but I need to apologize to you.” My mom wipes a tear from her face. “I was scared and reacted horribly. There’s no excuse.”
Baylor shakes her head side to side. “It’s okay.”
She reaches out and grabs my mother’s other hand. “Thank you for helping Rowe when I couldn’t be there.”
This woman and her heart of gold never cease to amaze me. She’s one of a kind and my soul.
“When I met you I saw me. State doesn’t even know this. I was a foster kid, but never found a good home. I battled my way to where I am today. I’ve always felt like trash. It’s my biggest insecurity. I wanted more for State. I have a tendency to think running from my past has been my biggest saving grace. It crushed me when I saw my son running back into his past. It’s the worst mistake of my life. Your love for my son has opened my eyes and I can only hope you’ll forgive me some day.”
Baylor leans forward, opens her arms, and brings my mother into a hug. They cry on each other’s shoulders for a long time. I can only sit back and watch.
“I need to pee.” Baylor finally breaks the silence.
“Let me help you.”
“No, I have her, mom.” I’m up on my feet, getting ready to carry her to the bathroom.
Baylor takes her hand and lets my mother guide her to the bathroom. My mom cradles her to her side guiding her into the small bathroom.
The day my world crumbles around my feet, it also comes full circle.
Thirty-Six
State hasn’t left the hospital since the day of the accident. He’s been by my side every second of the day. I’ve cycled through a range of emotions the past few days, and I have no idea how life will go on.
State grabs my hand, wraps his arm low around my back, and guides me into Rowe’s room. That’s exactly how I’ll get through life, in the arms of State. We stand in the doorway watching his mom read a book to Rowe. Her washed Rapunzel doll is tucked under her arm.
I’ll never forget the moment when we had to tell her about Miss Tami. It shredded me. Rowe was devastated and angry, just like me. She’s been going through attachment issues ever since.
State’s mom closes the book and kisses her cheek.
“Do you believe in heaven?” She asks State’s mom.
Without skipping a beat, she answers her. “I do, Rowe. I work in a hospital and see miracles every day, but I also see things that are horrible. I know there’s a God and a heaven.”
“Do you think Miss Tami is there?”
“I know she is and I also know she’s now your angel who watches you every day.”
“Do you think she put this on my Rapunzel doll?” She points to a little Pop Tarts pin on Rapunzel’s dress.
His mom looks up to us and we both shake our heads, having no clue where it came from.
“It was on her when I woke up this morning,” Rowe offers.
“See, she’s telling you that she’ll always be with you, sweetie.”
State and I step in the room and take a seat.
“Yeah, but I want her in my life instead of just this pin.”
“Me too,” I add.
“Me too,” State says.
“But the three of you have each other forever. Miss Tami helped you all become strong and independent people. Now your job is to make her proud.”
Rowe’s sweet, little hand rests in mine while my head rests on State’s shoulder. A gorgeous cherry wood casket sits before us with a vibrant spray of lilies on top. Miss Tami’s best friend stands before us, delivering her life sketch.
State scoots Rowe back on his lap and kisses the top of her head when her tears never stop falling. She turns into his chest and buries her face. My tears have dried up, and I sit heart broken and shattered in the church pew.
It’s State’s turn to talk. He sets Rowe on the bench next to me and stands up.
“Can I go with
you?” She whispers.
“He’s going up to talk,” I tell her.
“I know.”
State nods down at her. She grabs his hand and walks up to the microphone with him. I feel bare and lonely without the two of them next to me. Chills attack my skin and I begin to tremble. State’s mom scoots over next to me wrapping her arms around me.
“Hello.” State’s voice booms through the microphone. “My name is Stayton Blake. I met Miss Tami when I was just kid on the streets. I was exactly her type. She helped me get through some pretty terrible parts of my life when I was a kid, but the funny thing is, she always had a knack for making me feel like a king.”
He looks right at me while talking not reading a single word from a paper.
“She saved me when I was young, and then she saved me again. By chance, I ran into an old friend who I grew up with; Baylor. Miss Tami was the only who could get her to talk when we were young. She protected us and made sure we were always in the same class. Well, come to find out, she also ended up raising Baylor when we were separated. This is where she really saved me. She gave me the most beautiful gift ever. She gave back the other half of my heart. But knowing Miss Tami, she didn’t stop there. She completed my world with Rowe and Miss Tami, herself. She showed me that there is a plan for the rest of my life. It was seeing her believe in me that has made me the man I am. I can only hope to inspire others the way she did effortlessly. I’ll never stop making her proud or protecting her girls.”
He bows his head and wipes away a few stray tears. I could tell they were coming when his voice cracked. He takes a red rose from the vase on the stand and walks down to the casket, placing it on top. He bends down and gently kisses the top of her casket.
Rowe tugs on his hand and he bends over to listen to her. He nods at her and then picks her up in his arms making his way back to the stand.
“I guess I’m not done yet.” He offers the crowd a wide smile.
He bends the microphone down so it’s near Rowe’s mouth.
“Hi.” She squeezes her eyes shut when she hears her own voice, but then starts up again. “My name is Rowe. I love Miss Tami. She was like my momma. Some bad men hurt me and she took me home. She made a castle of safety for me and gave me a sister.”
She pauses to sniffle. State kisses her cheek and urges her on.
“Now I dance, laugh, and play all the time. I’m going to miss her bad. My heart really hurts, but I will be okay. Thank you, Miss Tami.”
Rowe copies State’s action, grabbing a red rose from the vase. He sets her down on her feet and she walks all on her own over to the casket. Her tears flow down her face as she places it by State’s. She hugs the casket as her body falls into trembling sobs. State gives her time. Rowe kisses the casket and looks up at the crowd.
It’s the first time in a long time I see the fear in her eyes as she scans the crowd. Her little fingers tremble. I stand up and take two steps until she sees me. I bend down and throw my arms wide open. She rushes into them burying her sobs into my neck.
“You’re home, baby girl. I’ll never leave you. Never.”
Thirty-Seven
“Hey, baby.”
“Baylor, I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, State.”
“We just got to our hotel.”
“How is it?”
“Honestly?”
“Of course.”
“It’s bittersweet, Queen. I want you here and I want to be there. It just doesn’t feel right.”
“I know same here.”
“Where’s Rowe?”
“Napping. She had a hard day. We had a hard day.”
I feel like shit for telling him that, but we’ve promised each other to be open, not holding anything back. We’ve vowed to not let life ever separate us again. I’ve had my fair share of meltdowns, as well as State.
“I can FaceTime later.”
“That would be perfect. Oh, and I’m ready to drive to Arizona to kick that asshole in the nuts.”
His deep chuckle fills the line. “Calm down. It’s all part of the build-up for the big game.”
“He’s an asshole calling you out on social media.”
“That he is…an asshole.”
“I may have a voodoo doll with pins in his eyeballs, and his frank and beans.”
“God, I needed to talk to you. I miss you so much.” His deep chuckle tickles the depths of my belly
I pause for a second fighting away the urge to ask him to come home because I know he will. It was a hard decision to not attend the national championship game. State offered to buy Rowe a ticket, but it was all too much right after Miss Tami’s passing. Rowe’s body is still healing as is her heart, along with mine.
His mom stayed a week with us until I forced her to fly out to Arizona, and now Shayne is here. She’s more than thrilled to miss the big game. State’s mom has shocked the hell out of me. I now understand why State loves her so deeply. She’s truly a dynamic woman. She’s tried to apologize several times, but I always stop her.
It took lots of courage to admit what she did. Me, out of everyone, knows how terrible it is to run from the ghosts of our past. She broke the cycle and only wanted that for her son. We all make snap judgments. Right or wrong, it still happens. The fact she admitted it and opened up to me, means more than anything to me.
“How do you feel about the game?” I ask trying to refocus him.
“I’m fucking jacked. We are going to crush this.”
“I know.”
“Will you wake Rowe before four your time. I want to talk to her before I go into full-game mode.”
“You know I will.” I pause for a brief second. “State, you know I love you and believe the world of you. I have no doubt you’ll kick ass.”
“Thank you. I needed that.” It’s his turn to pause. “And a dozen naked selfies wouldn’t hurt.”
I full out cackle into the phone. “I’ll see what I can do, man cub.”
“I love you, Queen.”
“Love you, too, I’ll FaceTime soon.”
I end the call knowing that we could go on forever with this little back and forth game of ours. I look over to Shayne perched on the couch with a bowl of popcorn balanced on her stomach while watching some dumb reality show.
“How’s the hometown, horndog hero?” She asks not moving her attention from the show.
“Hanging in there.”
“God, I can’t thank you enough for getting me out of that game.”
“You’ve mentioned that a thousand times now, Shayne.”
“Seriously.” She pops up into an upright position with popcorn nestled in her hair. “If I had to swallow another fucking game, I might have pierced my eyelids.”
“Oh, Shaynee Poo, you have it hard for Ryder… and daddy issues.”
She sends me the bird as I make my way to the kitchen to get the game day food prepped. It’s not the traditional wings and dip, but more of a Pop Tarts and ham sandwich combo. I bring the plates out and go into Rowe’s room.
She’s snuggled deep in her blankets with her Rapunzel nestled in her arms. She’s so sweet and has been through hell and back. It’s taken a toll on her and she’s been napping more than usual. I crawl into bed with her and begin to massage light circles on her back until she rustles around.
“Hey, baby. It’s time to wake up.”
She groans and rolls over.
“It’s almost game time, baby. You need to get dressed and State wants to talk to you.”
“Is he here?” She asks through sleepy lids.
“No, baby. He’s in Arizona, but wants to talk to you before the game.”
“Okay.” She rolls back onto her belly. “Ten more minutes.”
“I’ll be back in a minute. I’ll run a bath to help you wake up.”
I swear she’s stronger than I’ll ever be. She’s held me while I cried and even brushed away my hair. She’s sung me to sleep while being the strong one. Rowe is the most amazing per
son I’ve ever met. I know she’s destined for greatness and I’ll be there every step of the way.
“The water is ready.”
“Okay.” Rowe props her sleepy self up in bed.
I hold my hands up to her and love it when she crawls into me. A large smile spreads across my face when I can hear Miss Tami scolding me not to pack her everywhere. She’ll always be with us. I take Rowe to her bathroom and help her get in the tub. I squirt in some bubbles and then pass Rowe her favorite tub toys. Before long she’s waking up, singing a tune, and playing in the tub. I sit back and watch her. Miss Tami left me with the best gift of all.
“Why isn’t he answering?” Rowe presses her nose up to the screen with her wet braid swinging from side to side.
I pull her back into my lap. “Just hang on, it’s been two rings.”
The dial tone goes silent as the call connects.
“He’s there. He’s there.”
Rowe peers into the phone on pins and needles waiting for him to answer.
State’s sly grin fills the screen with a whole bunch of clatter in the background.
“Just a second, girls.” He turns to the people behind him. “I’ll be right back.”
I see Coach Pete nod in the background . There’s several seconds of him pacing through a long hallway until he enters a quiet room.
“Who is this calling me?” He waggles one eyebrow into the phone.
“It’s me, Shrek.” Rowe waves into the screen.
“Is this my princess?”
“Yes, it’s me.” She presses her face closer to the screen.
“Oh, I see you. Nice jersey.”
She focuses the phone into the number seven across the front. “Where’s the team?”
“They are all getting ready. It’s the big game.”
“Are you excited?”
“I am. I want to win and then get home.” State’s pearly whites shine through the screen.
“I don’t want you to go home.” Her face morphs into a sad one.
“Why?”
“Because you’re so far away.”
“My home is with you and Baylor.”
She lights up and kisses the screen. “Then win that game and get home.”