by J. D. Freed
Ally didn't tell Dean about me at first because she was scared and felt guilty and responsible for what happened for a long time after. She didn't want to be the cause of any more of his pain and in the back of her mind she was afraid I would be taken away from her. She had herself paranoid and convinced that Dean and El may have wanted custody of me and could have taken me from her since they weren't able to have children of their own. She also knew it would devastate his wife, who was already suffering with severe depression, to know her husband had fathered a child with someone else.
Ally felt that if Dean knew about me, he was the type of guy who would tell his wife out of devotion. He was one of those honest kinds of guys. It was the same reason Ally suspected he probably ended up telling El about the rendezvous with her in Vegas. She was right Dean; had told El and he said it was probably what saved their marriage, but she was diagnosed with and began to suffer the effects of the MS a short time after they hit their stride again in life.
Ally felt she had no choice when she kicked me out that night all alone. She was afraid AJ would hurt me and she had been stashing money to get away from him for the past year before that fateful night. She had made a split-second decision because she could see from the way things had spiraled that night that she was no longer going to be able to protect me from AJ's wrath. She knew he would come after her so she made the life-altering decision--the toughest decision she said she was ever faced with. She let her baby, the only treasure or goodness she felt she had ever had in her life, go and pushed me out the door with our "freedom fund", she called it. She did all to save me the only way she felt she could. However, after I was gone she panicked. She said she thought she just pulled me from the flames and threw me into quicksand. She was sure I would end up dead if she didn't do something, so she started hunting for the one other person she could think of that might care enough to help her find me.
All of them had shadowed me at a distance but let me live my life and make my own choices and mistakes. However, they were always there to pick me up. The night I met Dez, one of the bodyguards hired to protect me was fired for incompetence. He was the Samoan guy that showed up to help us just as Dez and I were coming out from behind the bushes after the attack. He had called the police and stayed with the guy who had attacked us until help arrived. Mr. Greyson became a major sponsor to the university immediately after that, and campus surveillance, outdoor lighting and technology upgrades were his first investment priorities. The next was a MBA Scholarship program for tuition assistance with paid internship possibilities and permanent employment consideration within Greyson Capital Inc., which he clearly indicates was determined by the school professors and he had no influence on selecting the recipient of the scholarship I had earned. He also sponsored a cancer research and medical grant for breast cancer through the University, which I applied for on Dez's behalf and she was granted. All of her cancer care and treatments were paid for in full. However, he admits that one was a little more influenced after he took one look at my face when I came into work the day after Dez had shared the news with me. He said he about told me he was my father then but he thought the shock of learning about Dez's situation was enough to deal with at the present. He said when she died it even seemed like it would cause me more pain and burden and he couldn't be the cause of adding any more anguish than what was apparent I was already feeling in very heavy doses.
Mr. Greyson repeats in his letter numerous times that I had earned it all. He said he just supplied some opportunity, but it was so hard to tell myself that now. It is like I was playing my life out in their movie. Even Pugs knew and never told me. My mom never tried to reach out to me and I only found out about my dad by accident. They may have all thought they were doing me some favor by not coming forward, but did they ever stop to think about the normal shit? How about a hug before school, taking me to get braces, my driver's license or attending my high school graduation… assuming the one in the lobby of Pugs-n-Petals was the real deal after I had earned the GED? Mr. Greyson was at my college graduations but as my boss and school benefactor,, not my dad.
They even both admit in their letters that they are not sure waiting and having me find out this way was the best decision. However, they are standing united that they both felt, given the circumstances at the time, it was the only option. My mom was broken and needed help. She needed to focus on getting herself back on track, and knowing I was thriving and safe gave her the peace of mind to do that. Jeff kept her informed about me and assured her he would protect me. After Jeff started working at the club as a bouncer he had told her I was "tough and had my head on straight." Ally and Jeff got married and moved to Monterey, CA after I left the club and was accepted to the university. They had only lived there about a year when I had called her on my twenty-first birthday. Ally expressed how painful the message I left was to hear but she understood the anger and she was ready to face it whenever I was. She said that now she has turned her life around she is someone she is proud for me to know and hopefully be able to accept as my mother again when I am ready.
Mr. Greyson was adamant that she take the $250K in back child support he offered her and get her life back on track for my sake. She is a Real Estate broker now, and a very successful one, by her appearance and her home in the picture she sent within the letter. She is beautiful; she always was. Her long, straight auburn hair is bright and her hazel eyes look happy. I don't think I ever saw her look that way in all the years I was with her growing up. That hurts on so many levels for her and for me.
Mr. Greyson's wife El was suffering in the late stages of MS and he couldn't bring me into his life openly when Mom contacted him to inform him about me and asked for his help. It would have been a media nightmare and caused El so much pain when she didn't have much time left. Even though it killed him inside he kept his awareness of his daughter from El. She died not knowing he had fathered a child with another woman. In a way I think that is romantic--tragic but romantic. He has been alone for almost 10 years now. I have never seen him with a woman at any of our company events or affairs. I try to picture what I would have done or what I would expect Tralen to do in the same situation.
To me it seems like it would be one of those calls--hard to know what you would do until you are faced with a decision of that magnitude to make. So many lives are impacted and so many feelings and hearts are stake in these kinds of matters. I don't think we ever intend to hurt the ones we love, but in the end we do. We just hope we showed them enough good and enough love that it overshadows any of the pain we may have caused them. I know they both love me and did what they thought was best for everyone involved at the time. I have questions, of course, but I am not angry anymore and I think I have grown and lived enough of life to understand their reasoning, and I am okay with it. I will raise my children much differently, but they did the best they could under the circumstances they found themselves in, and they cared and showed their love in their actions. They showed their love repeatedly behind the scenes and never tried to speak to justify their actions; they just acted quickly on my behalf and watched over me. That in itself helps me overcome the feelings of abandonment and the overwhelming feeling I have carried for years that they just didn't care about me. It is a big deal to me that they didn't leave me to suffer and survive all alone, as I had once convinced myself. They tried to do what they thought was right when there really were no easy or "right answers." There are no rewind or replay buttons for this one.
I want them both to be happy and in my life. I want Mr. Greyson to become a catch for a nice, attractive middle-aged woman who will make him smile and be good grandma material. Tralen keeps making jokes that he will probably hook up with a girl younger than me. "All rich guys go for the young ones, ya know." I just hope he finds someone. Everyone deserves happiness and love everlasting. I am so glad I have Tralen by my side to help me deal with all this. I have a feeling I would have held it all in and internalized all the pain if he wasn't here for me tal
k my feelings over with. I trust him. he makes me laugh when the tears try to consume me, and the hurt doesn't seem to hurt as bad anymore.
Tralen makes me laugh all the time, like Dez used to. I forgot how much I missed that feeling, how much healing I draw from humor. It has been my crutch over the course of life. Sometimes when your options are to laugh or cry, it is the preferred method of coping.
Now I laugh every time he "acts" like he's sucking in his spit and wiping the corner of his mouth. It is an inside joke we now share and he keeps doing it at the most inappropriate times to embarrass me or lighten my mood. Tralen just performed his saliva suck when the waiter brought our check.
He asked if he could take me to lunch before my appointment at the therapist this afternoon. He knows how stressed out I have been about meeting with Ally and Dean today and how jumbled all my feelings are. I anticipated it was just a ploy for Tralen to get me to visit the Wellness Room again with him. I was a bit surprised, however, that it really was his intent to just feed me. My trek to 200 hasn't slowed us down a bit between the sheets--or on the kitchen counter, for that matter. He says he just likes that there is now "more of me to love." The evidence of his convictions can be found by looking the marks his mouth left on my chest last night. My twin peaks have been perpetually hard and throbbing all day!
Last weekend Tralen was trying to get me to watch a Discovery channel documentary on the mating rituals of animals over Property Brothers, my favorite show. Tralen figured his best approach to get me "into it" was to present it as something I would think was pretty hot! I see the "animalistic" and "primal" angle of his strategy but looking back, it wasn't sexy. However, it was fucking hysterical!
The show was covering the mating processes of various animals. There were two birds, and the male was pouncing the female repeatedly to the ground and her wing was caught underneath him. It started as a giggle but it built as the males continued to pounce and she flailed beneath. In order to get more air into my lungs in my bout of hysteria, I had to roll off the couch over him and onto the floor, trying to say, "WOW! That is HOT!"
I gathered myself and even though the show didn't turn me on the way he was hoping, I was still turned on. Tralen just being next me shirtless always turns me on.
Later that night he was poised above me, about to release as we performed our own mating ritual. However, my arm was pinned under his as he leaned forward to empty into me. I thought about the bird and I started to giggle as I said, "Hey Big Bird, you're on my wing."
He started to cum and laughed out loud at the same time. It was dark and I was shocked when a warm liquid hit my forehead. I thought at first that he had pulled out and the force of his ejaculation had shot semen up to my hairline.
Tralen sucked in his spit and wiped his mouth and then my forehead, laughing in gasps, "SORRY, LIL' CHICKY!"
Then I realized it was his drool!
It is moments like that--stupid shit--that are nothing of real significance that still mean so much. They are memories, and he is replacing every bad memory I have with every one he gives me. Not all of them are good, but they are worth it. We like to argue and debate trivial things. We both like to be right and usually in our minds we both always are. We are learning to compromise and pick our battles. I think Tralen picks fights with me sometimes just so we can make up later. We laugh together and talk about everything. I know he is worried about Cody and about dealing with Bill if the need arises once he is released.
However, I know we will face it all together and be stronger together by forming a united front against the problems we encounter. I know Tralen is worthy of me and I am worthy of love. CLOUD-PUNCH WORTHY! I am channeling Dez. Tralen will be the only man that is ever Had-Worthy again. Well, Dad-Worthy anyway! There is an ever-growing Had-Worthy Hall of Fame, however: Michael Jordan, Heath Ledger, Paul Walker, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, George Strait, David Beckham, James Dean, Dierks Bentley, Clint Eastwood. I will be adding Clint's son to the list very soon, I have a feeling. It just happens to be a coincidence that Scott, Eastwood Clint's son, resembles Tralen. However, Scott has much lighter hair. Although it is possible I could just be biased, to me Tralen is hotter than anyone on the list.
I still can't believe he is mine. I feel like I already have more than I ever knew I wanted. I have found love in this life that will last the duration and beyond. Tralen and Dez gave me that. Tralen and this baby are giving me my own chance at a family. I know the source of happiness and pride that will replace the rewards of my career lies with them. I would have to say that the challenges of building a sustainable family are going to be the most important role in any "merger" I have ever helped lead. However, the rewards could be endless.
We plan on naming the baby Jenna Dez Creed if it is a girl. If it is a boy, it will be Cody Dean Creed, which Cody got a kick out of once the water in his eyes cleared. Tralen told him the names we picked and asked him to be the baby's godfather, either way. He said he was honored and it only made sense any kid named after him would also have the initials CDC, which is interchangeable with the "Center for Disease Control." He said it is about as fitting as his own if it was pronounced as it looks. His initials were COC, which stands for Cody Owen Creed. Once we composed ourselves from the laughter that ensued at his revelation, I asked how he got that name and Tralen informed me that he had been named after Jenna's father, Grandpa Owen.
Owen had apparently had at one time played the fiddle for Hank Williams, until he met Grandma Pearl. She was working at a diner where she had taken a job at once when her former husband Don was killed about three years prior. Don had been serving in the military and was injured on an assignment overseas and had later died. Owen and some of the others in the band and crew had stopped in the diner after one of their shows. He told her he would be back for her once the road shows he was playing in finished up for the summer. Pearl was floored when about a month later he showed up at the diner, true to his word, and swept her off her feet. She lost three babies before Jenna graced them with her presence. They were both in their early 40's when she was conceived. Grandpa Owen died from complications of diabetes and Grandma Pearl died of a heart attack within three months of losing him. Jenna was only 20 at the time and was pursuing her dreams by performing on stage in a country band.
Jenna always claimed that she felt Pearl actually died from a broken heart. She told the boys that Pearl had been very active and outgoing and her health had started to deteriorate as soon as Owen passed away. She had said that what her parents had was the "real deal." Tralen said, "It was what Jenna felt we all searched for but some either never found it or didn't take the chance to grab it and hold on tightly enough to it when it was presented."
I haven't shared my theory with Tralen and I see no reason to bring it up now. However, I can't shake the feeling that Jenna had known true love in her life but from all observations or conclusions I can draw from what I have heard, it was most likely not Bill.
I look down at my now slightly protruding bump, and all I can think about is wishing I had gotten the chance to meet Jenna and that she'd had a chance to meet her grandchildren. As I think about the characteristics and traits this baby may possess, I conclude that I hope it is a girl. A combination of a little boy that has very good odds of being a lot like Tralen and even a fair amount like Cody could be a challenge, especially the first one out of the gate. However, I chuckle as I think about raising a daughter with some of my attributes, and I come to realization that either will be worth the challenge. I will just brace myself for the worst--and the best, of course.
I am a good planner and Tralen executes better than any man on earth. I think we've got a fair shake from our seat at the table. I'd bet the farm on him; what we have is worth it.
I guess I will let this cowboy give me a ride off into the sunset, after all. It has been a worthwhile ride so far. It has been more than I ever dared dream already, and it just started. All my stars are aligned and they are brighter, tighter and whiter tha
n in all my dreams before Tralen came onto the screen. My life took on another purpose other than just survival mode and chasing the next level of the bar I kept raising on myself. I took a chance to pull those stars out of my dreams and make them a reality in my life--a chance that was so worth taking it brought me rewards that will pay it forward for a lifetime and then some.
I giggle and even snort while my inner trucker makes an appearance. You might just be one lucky bitch after all.
EPILOGUE
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