by Holly Rayner
There was no way Maddy was going to rob herself of the chance to have that feeling. But there was no guarantee that her body would accept the treatment either, and she had to prepare herself mentally for that outcome as well. Up to that point, she’d been acting like the treatment would work for certain, when the truth was they weren’t sure it would.
“Hello?”
A hand waved in front of her eyes, and Maddy blinked back to the present. Yousef was looking down at her with a mixture of amusement and annoyance on his face.
“Everyone’s here now—afternoon shift crew has arrived. Let’s have the news, already!”
Maddy faced her team. It was a group of six men and one other woman, Bayra, who had only recently joined them. All of them were looking at her with such hope in their eyes, she almost told them the full truth, just to keep from watching the sadness she knew was about to sweep the room at large.
“The presentation went very well,” she said.
That part was true. Akim had been impressed with what she’d had to say.
“However,” she said, and a couple of her colleagues groaned. “Now, now, no need for that. It’s not all bad news,” she admonished. “The truth is, we’ve been shelved until after the election. There’s been some red tape involving our testing, and Ak—our employer would like to tread cautiously until it’s all worked out.”
“So we won’t be able to move to human trials?” Bayra asked, crestfallen.
“Not yet, but perhaps in the future.”
“How long into the future?” another coworker chimed in.
Maddy hesitated for a moment.
“Indefinitely.”
The room broke out into discontent chatter as Maddy’s team had to come to terms with the same news she had dealt with the day before. Only this time, she put on her leader hat.
“Hey now. I know this is upsetting news, but the truth is, it’s only a delay. Until that time, let’s think about all the projects we’ve had sitting on our own shelf that have taken a back seat to this treatment. What about that men’s hair growth project, Jalal?”
The team grumbled and groaned, but Maddy was able to get them back on track and focused on working on other projects soon enough. Before she knew it, the sun was already setting. Her eyes darted to the door, as though she were waiting for Akim to offer her a ride home again, and she quickly realized what a foolish thought that was.
Akim was a businessman. His first thought when having a child was about the publicity they could get, how they could expand his business. Maddy’s first thought was holding the little bundle in her arms, little tiny fingers wrapped around her thumb. She had to remind herself that it was a business transaction for him, and she would have to learn to be okay with that.
“Maddy, you want to go grab a drink with us? We’re having a pity party,” Yousef said, putting up his hands when he saw her stern expression. “Yeah, yeah. We get it. There are other things to work on, but while you might have gotten over your grief yesterday, it’s still fresh for us. Allow us one little funeral party for our research that may never see the light of day, will you?”
Maddy’s smile was rueful. “I suppose there is something to be said for the grieving process, though I hope you all reach acceptance by morning. We have a lot of work to do, and now we have the time to do it.”
“So I take it that means you’re not coming then?”
“I didn’t get much sleep,” Maddy replied.
She didn’t want to tell him she’d been out drinking with the boss, making plans to test the drug on herself. How would that look? How was she going to tap dance around the huge pile of lies she was about to tell?
“I can imagine. This really sucks, Maddy.”
“I know. Have a good night, Yousef.”
“And you. See you Monday.”
Maddy caught a cab home just a few minutes later, exhausted from a long day of avoiding telling her coworkers the truth. That night, as she lay in her bed looking up at the ceiling, she thought about her perfect little potential baby. If the treatment worked, she could have the life she always wanted.
She just had to be brave enough to try.
FIVE
The weekend passed by uneventfully, with Maddy sneaking into every baby store she passed during her regular weekend stops to get groceries and run errands. As she gazed upon the tiny clothing for boys and girls, she couldn’t quite decide if she had a preference.
A healthy baby was all she had ever wanted.
She slid her sunglasses up onto her head as she strolled into her apartment around mid-morning on Sunday. Maddy put all her vegetables in her small fridge, placing the hand-packed meats from the local butcher in the center shelf. She would make herself a special meal, to celebrate the occasion, and she slid a small bottle of champagne next to it.
After all, she would have to quit drinking for quite some time, once—if, she had to keep reminding herself—the pregnancy was successful.
Maddy put the kettle on and set up her laptop on the coffee table before filling an organic tea bag with her favorite oolong. Plopping down on her comfy sofa, she stared out at the skyscrapers of the city, waiting for her computer to signal her mother’s phone call. She had promised her mother she would Skype her this weekend and update her on how her presentation went.
Right on time, the window popped up with her mom’s image, and Maddy clicked to accept the call.
“Hi Mom,” she said.
Her mom’s face appeared on the screen, and her eyes crinkled at the corners as she smiled at her only child.
“Madeline! It’s so good to see you! Just wish it was in person. Come home soon?”
“How are you, Mom?” Maddy asked, swiftly changing the subject.
“We’re all right. Just a little bored. Retirement really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know. Your father has finished putting at least ten puzzles together. We’re running out of wall space to hang them up.”
“Is that my Maddy?”
Madeline heard her father’s voice in the background before his balding head appeared in front of the camera. He waved his hand directly in front of the lens.
“Hi honey! How’s the sunny Mideast?”
“Middle East, Dad,” Maddy corrected.
“Right, right. Of course. Well, you have a great day, kiddo. I’ve got to head to the store to pick up another picture frame.”
“George, there is no more room to hang any more of your puzzles!” Maddy’s mom huffed.
Her father had already disappeared from the frame and was calling back to her mother, presumably from the front door.
“Always more room, Charlene! The garage walls are practically barren!”
Maddy head a door close, and her mother rolled her eyes.
“That man will drive me to madness, you wait and see.”
Maddy grinned. “You’re just bored, Mom. Why don’t you take up a new hobby? Something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time?”
Maddy could think of a million things she had wanted to accomplish—learn how to play the piano, learn how to paint, to cook, to knit…the list was everlasting.
“That’s easy enough to say when you’re young. By the time you’re my age, you’re an old dog without any new tricks.”
“That’s not true, come on now,” Maddy said.
Her mother shrugged. “How are you? What did the panel say after your presentation?”
Maddy should have known the question was coming. The truth was, she had been thinking about how to tell her mother what had transpired that week. Somehow she couldn’t quite find the right way to say it. Perhaps the blunt truth would simply have to do.
“Well, when I got there, the only person in the room was the CEO.”
“What? I thought you were supposed to present to the board.”
Maddy explained how she had started her presentation, only to be cut off by her boss and informed that the country’s political leaders wouldn’t allow further testing
unless he gave money to their campaign.
“What? Did you know they were that corrupt when you took the job there?”
It took everything Maddy had in her not to openly roll her eyes at her mother. The woman had been trying to find a way to get her back home since the day she’d left, and apparently nothing would stop those efforts, no matter how many times Maddy told her how happy she was there.
“Of course I didn’t. I had a general idea, but now I know more.”
“Well is the man going to pay them so your research can continue? I know how important it is to you, honey.”
Ah, here was the revealing moment. Maddy released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, and plunged on.
“He isn’t going to pay them, on principle, but the two of us have come up with a solution to ensure that the research does proceed to human trials.”
“That’s fantastic news! What’s the loophole you found?”
“Me.”
Maddy watched her mother’s face as it dropped from an encouraging smile to a furrowed brow, paired with a deep frown.
“Mom? It looks like you froze.”
“I have not frozen, I just have no other way to form my face right now. What do you mean you’re going to be the loophole?”
“I mean I’m going to be the first human trial for Chlomerol.”
“And just who is going to be the donor?”
“Akim, my CEO.”
Maddy’s mother stared at her so hard that Maddy thought about testing their connection again. Then she sat back, and Maddy knew she had just been in shock. Not exactly the overjoyed reaction she’d been hoping for.
“Madeline Carol Palmerston, you are not telling me that you plan on having a child with your boss, as some sort of experiment. You cannot be telling me that. I raised you better.”
Maddy winced. Her parents’ pride and approval meant everything to her.
“It’s not just a science experiment, Mom. I’ve wanted to have a child for a very long time.”
“Yes, and you will, someday, with someone you love, the way it’s supposed to be. Even if you someday choose artificial insemination on your own, that’s your choice, too. This is a human life we’re talking about, Maddy. You can’t just make yourself into some test subject like that isn’t the case. You will be creating life.”
“Don’t you think I know that? It’s all I’ve ever wanted! How is this any different than artificial insemination with a sample donated by a stranger?”
“Oh I don’t know, because you plan on having the child with your boss, as some kind of what? A marketing ploy for your drug, so pharmaceutical companies will invest in you? Why would you put your health and the health of another possible human being at risk like this, Maddy? I know you’re a scientist, but I raised you to have morals, too. You have to think about this a little longer before you dive in.”
Maddy stared into her cup of tea. The beverage had gone lukewarm in her hands, and she clung to her mug as though it were her lifeline to all the wonderful thoughts she’d been having directly before this conversation.
“I was really excited at the prospect of having a child. You’ve known ever since I was told I likely couldn’t conceive just how important this is to me,” Maddy said in a small voice.
Hearing the hurt in her tone, Maddy’s mother sighed, gazing into the camera. “I hate that we’re having this conversation from so far away. I know this is what you want, Maddy, but please don’t rush into it. There is no need to make snap decisions about something like this. For all you know, those politicians could have a change of heart and you could use another subject, someone with a spouse who is ready for this kind of responsibility.”
“I’m ready, Mom. I’ve been ready for a long time.”
“I know you think you’re ready, but no one understands how hard children are until they have them. All I’m asking is you take a little time to truly reflect on this decision. It’s all well and good to play house and imagine what life would be like, but raising a family is hard work, Maddy. Please, don’t do this just for the sake of scientific accolades.”
Maddy frowned. She could feel her eyes stinging with unshed tears, but she didn’t want her mother to be upset. If Charlene knew she’d made her daughter cry, this conversation would be on replay over and over again.
“I understand. I’ll take some time to think about it,” Maddy said.
Her mother nodded in approval. “That’s all I’m asking.”
“Charlene! I can’t get the car to start. Someone left the lights on all night again…”
Maddy’s mother glared off screen, and Maddy could just imagine her father standing in the doorway, keys dangling from one hand, as he waited impatiently for her mother to fix her mistake.
“I’ve got to go, honey. You get some rest this weekend, and we’ll talk in a week. Deal?”
“Deal. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. Make good choices.”
Maddy stared morosely at the screen as it went black. It was a farewell message her mother had often used, when she was heading to a party where there would likely be alcohol or learning to drive on her own for the first time. It was something she said when she knew that bad choices were a strong possibility, and Maddy had never indulged in underage drinking or driving over the speed limit as a result. She was the perfect, obedient child, and she had never stepped a toe out of line when it came to her parents’ wishes.
So what was she going to do now?
SIX
Maddy stared with glassy eyes at her computer screen.
She’d been up half the night debating with herself. As a scientist, it had been important to her to keep an open mind to all possibilities until they could be disproven. On one hand, she understood her mother’s point. Charlene wasn’t wrong; there was a great risk involved in what they were about to do. The treatment could go wrong, or something bad could happen to her.
On the other hand, no scientific breakthrough was without risk, and what kind of person was she if she were willing to put someone else at risk but not herself? Also, she’d longed for a child for her entire life. If she could bring about her own dream, who was to say that was wrong? She had potentially created the ability to make that dream a reality, and while her mother’s words of warning continued to echo through her head, she refused to let that voice dictate her every move.
She wasn’t a child anymore. It was time to make decisions as an adult. If her parents were upset with her, she could show them their new grandchild, and they would have no choice but to see things her way.
A knock on the door startled Maddy out of her reverie, and she jumped as she turned to see Sheikh Akim’s handsome face in the doorway.
“I didn’t mean to disturb you while you’re working. Please forgive me.”
Maddy half-smiled, looking up at him. “I believe as my employer, you’re entitled to interrupt me any time you wish.”
Akim shrugged, his broad shoulders stretching the fabric of his button-down shirt. For a moment, Maddy imagined what it would be like to run her hands over those shoulders without a shirt covering them, and then she shook the thought off.
This was already more complicated than it needed to be. No need to bring lust into it.
“Yes, well. I was hoping we could meet later this morning, in my office, to talk about possible testing options. Would you mind meeting me in about an hour?”
“Of course. I’ll see you then.”
“Great.”
The Sheikh paused for a moment before tapping his palm against the door and turning around, striding out of sight. Yousef arrived a second later, lunchbox in hand, a look of wonder on his face.
“Was that seriously just the CEO with his head in here?”
Maddy shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “I suppose it was. Why?”
“What could he possibly want? And, between us, what nerve! After basically rendering years of research, brainpower, and our time all wasted, he decides to pop h
is head in and give us a merry old hello?”
Maddy could understand Yousef’s frustration. In that moment, she thought again about coming clean, confessing everything, but she kept schtum. Even if her closest confidants knew, that put them at risk, too. The men in power would do what it took to eliminate anyone who got in their way, and the less her staff knew about it, the better. Maddy chose a different lie, instead.