“What was that all about?” she asks as we get in line for lunch. “You haven’t really talked to any of them recently.” I don’t even try to hide the beaming smile that threatens to split my face in two again.
“Max is awake,” I tell her. She squeezes the hand she’s been holding since I joined her at our table.
“Oh, Noah, that’s such good news,” she says as she kisses my cheek.
Lunch flies by and I feel like nothing can kill my good mood. I should know better. This is my life we’re talking about. Sherrie and I are a good ten minutes into computer science when there’s a knock at the door. I think nothing of it until the teacher calls me.
“Mr. Blakely? Your presence has been requested,” says Mr. Gerard. I’m completely clueless until I get to the hallway and see the school nurse. Shit! In the excitement of finding out that Max is awake I completely overlooked my daily trip to the nurse’s office.
“Come with me, please,” the nurse says sternly. Seriously? Why couldn’t she just bring the damned Xanax to me? Why do I have to go all the way to the nurse’s office? I follow her obediently down the hallway like a dog with its tail between its legs.
“Was this an oversight, Mr. Blakely?” she asks “I’d hate to think you planned to skip your dose.” I shake my head emphatically.
“I just spaced and went right to lunch,” I say quietly. We’re both silent until we get to her office and she gives me the Xanax and a paper cup full of water. I go through the motions of proving to her that I’ve swallowed it. She signs the record that shows I took the drugs and I sign to verify.
“I did have to call your parents, of course,” she informs me. Just lovely.
“Of course,” I sigh and head back to computer science. By the time I make it back I’ve missed half the class. Sherrie is curious when I take my seat.
“What was that all about?” she queries.
“Uh, I was supposed to go take some medication, you know, from when I was out sick? You know how the doctors always say you have to finish an entire course of antibiotics even after you feel well again,” I lie. I should be ashamed of my ability to lie when it comes to hiding these kinds of things. Sherrie is okay with having a boyfriend who has missed a lot of school recently due to some undisclosed illness that requires antibiotics. I doubt she’d be okay with a boyfriend who may or may not have mental issues severe enough to require medication. She seems to buy my story.
When Mom picks me up at the end of the day the first thing she does is gives me Hell for skipping the nurse’s office. “Noah, if we can’t trust you to take your meds when you’re away from home then maybe we do need to revisit homeschooling,” she says. I roll my eyes but she doesn’t see it because she’s concentrating on navigating the school parking lot.
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” I explain. “You sent me the text about Max and I saw Tabitha and I went to tell her and then she dragged me to the cafeteria to tell all of his friends and then Sherrie dragged me right to the lunch line and I just sort of forgot. She pulled me out of computer science, the nurse. It was embarrassing. So, yeah, I won’t do that again.”
“Is there any other news yet? Have you spoken to Lydia? Is he…I don’t know, is he still Max?” I ask.
“There’s not a lot of news. He’s been talking to Mark and the hospital staff well enough. He knows who he is and who Mark is but there may be some memory loss. He couldn’t really remember what happened when he first woke up. The doctors are telling Mark and Lydia that there’s every reason to be optimistic but until they do some real testing they won’t know for sure where he stands. He’s awake, Noah, that’s what you need to concentrate on now. Don’t start dwelling on the negatives…”
“I’m not dwelling,” I interrupt her. “I didn’t say anything.” She risks a glance at me while she’s sitting still stuck behind a minivan.
“Well don’t start. I know how you sometimes jump to the worst case scenario and I don’t want you to do that. Focus on the positives, okay? He’s awake. He’s talking, he knows who he is and who Mark is and there’s every reason to believe he’s fine.”
“I want to see him,” I hadn’t planned on saying that it just popped out. I’m just as surprised as Mom is.
“Oh, I don’t know about that, Noah. Maybe you should just wait until he comes home,” Mom says. I know what she’s thinking. She thinks I’ll have another meltdown. I shake my head.
“No, it has to be sooner than that. Did they even say when he’ll come home? We could go now! Why don’t you just call Dad and tell him where we are and we can go?” Of course she has to say yes, right? Why would she make me wait? She’s shaking her head now.
“No, we can’t go right now.” I sigh.
“I know what you’re thinking. I know you think I’ll have another panic attack and Dad will get upset again and you’ll be embarrassed of me again but I won’t! I’ve been taking the Xanax. It’s different now. He’s awake now. He doesn’t have some machine breathing for him. I won’t freak out, Mom, PLEASE!”
I don’t know why I’m so desperate to see him right away. Actually, I guess I do. Now that he’s awake I don’t want to wait any longer to really apologize. I don’t want to wait until he’s at home and has all of his friends hanging around visiting and just enjoying having him back. I want to see him one on one as soon as possible to get this right between us before everyone else is in the way.
“We’ve never been embarrassed of you!” Mom says. “Noah? Is that what you really think?” I shrug.
“I’m embarrassed of me. Of course you guys are. I understand.”
“Noah, your dad and I love you so much…”she begins and I nod.
“I know that. I really do, but I think it must be so hard for you guys.” I have to look out the window because suddenly my eyes are full. Why aren’t these damned Xanax taking care of that? Why am I being such a cry-baby when that’s the primary thing this stupid medication is supposed to take care of?
“I’ll talk to your dad when we get home. If we can agree that it’s okay then we’ll still have to ask Mark if it’s okay,” Mom says softly. After the way I acted the last time I went to see Max I can imagine Mark saying no to a visit from me. I really hope he’s okay with it.
Mom brings the subject up at dinner. Tonight it’s chili that my dad probably started in the crock pot earlier in the day. He serves it over corn bread and with cheese and sour cream. I force myself to eat it even though I still have no appetite. I have to be the model son right now to get him to agree. It’s hard to force down food when it keeps threatening to come right back up again.
At first Dad says no vehemently. Mom points out that I’ve been taking the Xanax more or less since Thanksgiving and I should be alright. She points out that Max is on the mend and perhaps it’s a good thing for me to see that with my own eyes so I don’t imagine the worst. It’s only after I’ve eaten all of my dinner that Dad finally relents and says it’s okay with him if it’s okay with Mark.
Mom refuses to drop everything to call Mark right away and by the time I go to bed I still don’t know anything. I wonder if they even realize how this is going to affect my sleep (or lack of) tonight? Just give me something! When they come in to say goodnight later (together this time) neither of them says anything about seeing Max. I don’t push my luck by bringing it up again.
Of course I have a hard time falling asleep. Tonight I’m no longer worried that Max will never wake up because now he’s awake. Now I have different fears. I’m worried that he won’t want to see me or that Mark will say no. I’m worried that I will get to see him but he won’t forgive me. I worry that there is neurological damage and he’s no longer the Max he was before this happened. I worry about a lot of things that don’t even make any sense. I shouldn’t be this anxious while I’m taking the Xanax. I practice my breathing and count sheep until I finally fall asleep.
****
The next day over breakfast no one brings up a possible visit with Max. I almost bring
it up myself but I have to believe if they knew anything they would tell me. If Mark said no why don’t they just say so? I hate uncertainty. Uncertainty just makes my mind go around and around in endless circles of worry. When Mom drops me off at school I’m still very much in the dark.
I’m still at my locker when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around slowly not knowing who or what to expect. Sherrie wouldn’t be so discreet. It’s not Sherrie. It’s Tabitha. I’m actually kinda surprised. I mean, she was friendly enough yesterday when I told her Max was awake but this is today.
“Have you talked to him?” she asks. I shake my head.
“I wanted to go see him yesterday but my parents said no,” I tell her. I don’t mention that I’m hanging on the hope that I will still get that chance.
“I wanted to call him,” she says. Why didn’t I think to call him? “Apparently there are no phones in the ICU rooms. They couldn’t tell me if or when he’d be moved to a regular room.” As we’re talking, Sherrie arrives at her locker. When she has her books she interrupts Tabitha and me.
“Are you coming to homeroom, Noah?” I know why she’s being rude. She doesn’t like the way Tabitha treated me. I’m still surprised. She’s usually so nice to everyone.
“You go ahead. I’ll be right there,” I tell her. She hesitates but then she eventually turns and walks away. Tabitha follows her progress with her eyes but turns back to me after Sherrie turns into room 103. She shakes her head.
“What are you thinking, Noah?” she asks but it doesn’t have any of her usual bite or sarcasm. I’m not sure what she means.
“What do you mean? Thinking about what?” I ask as I sort through what books I’ll need for my morning classes.
“I mean, she seems nice enough and all but you don’t love her so…why?”
“How would you know?” I ask hotly. “You and I don’t even talk anymore and the last time we really did…” I let that sentence trail off as my cheeks get red because the last time Tabitha and I REALLY talked she was kissing me and touching me and…I shake my head.
“You don’t know anything about any of it,” I tell her as I close my locker.
“I just wouldn’t want you to ruin a good thing.”
“Why do you even care? Why are you even being nice to me now?” I ask. She shrugs and follows as I begin my walk to homeroom.
“You’re important to him. That makes you important to me to a degree I guess. If you really ARE sorry that is…”
“Tabby, I just really don’t want to talk about this, okay? I mean, at least not until I’ve really talked to him and he’s forgiven me, okay?” I’m at my homeroom now and I can see Sherrie sitting at her regular desk looking at me with a worried expression. Tabitha just looks up at me for a minute before she gives my arm a light punch.
“Don’t call me Tabby,” she grins as she heads off to her own homeroom.
“What was her malfunction?” Sherrie asks.
“No malfunction, she was fine. She just wanted to know if I’d seen Max or something.”
“Why would you have seen him?”
“I mean, he’s awake now and I really want to apologize now that he can hear it,” I say. Did I even mention to Sherrie that I went to the hospital to see Max before I even called her after my trip to Illinois? I don’t think so. Somehow I don’t think that’s information she really needs to have.
“You can do that when he comes home though, right? Why would she think that you’d already done that? For that matter, why do you need to apologize to him? I thought he was the one that did something to piss you off? What actually happened with you two?”
“It’s really complicated. Yeah, he started it but then I wouldn’t accept his apology and then I said some really horrible, hurtful things to him and I just need for him to know I’m sorry. There’s nothing like almost losing someone to make you realize how much you really care about them. He’s my best friend, or I’m hoping he still is anyway. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?” It seems wrong somehow to talk to my girlfriend about Max even though he’s only my friend. Thankfully she lets it drop.
“The movie is new tonight,” she says changing the subject. “Do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to see what my parents have planned for the night,” I tell her. I don’t know why. It’s not like they ever make plans without consulting me first. It’s not like I wouldn’t normally say yes to a new movie since there’s not much else to do in Lansing. Sherrie notices my hesitation.
“Noah? Are we okay?” she asks and I can see how bright her eyes are. I don’t know what I’m going to do if she starts crying right here in homeroom.
“Of course we are,” I give her a quick peck on the lips, nothing that will get either of us in trouble according to acceptable school guidelines on public displays of affection.
“Are you sure? You’ve been distant since Thanksgiving. Did you see an old girlfriend when you went to visit in Illinois or something?”
“You know there was no old girlfriend,” I tell her as I give her another peck. The bell rings saving me from this conversation as Sherrie takes her seat for roll call. After homeroom I hold her hand as we walk to class together. I bend to kiss her outside of my calculus class and then she’s gone from my thoughts until lunch time.
The day drags like only a Friday can. Tabitha invites me back to my old lunch table but I decline. She lets me know that the offer is always open if I ever change my mind. Somehow I don’t think Sherrie would be willing to sit at the same table as Tabitha but if I know anything about high school dating it’s that you are required to sit with your girlfriend/boyfriend at lunch.
The last three classes of the day seem to take a week and then finally the afternoon bell is ringing. Sherrie is always at her locker before me because her last class is closer and she waits for me to organize what books I need to take home and what I am dropping off then takes my hand for the walk to the front of the school. When we get there, my mom is already waiting at the curb and Dad is in the car with her. I can’t help but get a hopeful feeling about this because why would both of them come to pick me up from school?
“Uh, Sherrie, I don’t think I can do the movies tonight,” I tell her and nod towards my parents. “Both of them here probably means they have plans for tonight.”
“Well dangit!” Sherrie’s faux profanity makes me smile. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her swear. “I really want to spend Friday night with my boyfriend,” she pouts. I kiss her and then give her a squeeze.
“I’ll call you if I can get away but we can always do something tomorrow right? I mean, it is the weekend after all.” Sherrie brightens.
“Okay, if not tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gives me a quick kiss before rushing off to her bus and I walk to our car and slide into the back seat.
“What’s up?” I ask crossing my fingers. Dad looks at me in the rear view mirror. He has his stern dad face on as he studies me but I keep my face blank.
“How are you today, Noah?” he asks.
“I’m great,” I say.
“How are your anxiety levels? Is the Xanax doing okay for you?” I nod.
“Yeah, of course. I’m fine. I’m good.” It’s sort of a lie. I am fine but I really don’t think the Xanax is working like it used to. I’m fine for now though and that’s what matters.
“Okay then,” he says and Mom starts to drive. He doesn’t offer anything else and neither does Mom. When she turns the opposite way out of the school parking lot I know we aren’t going straight home and I get a little more hopeful.
“How was your day, sweetie?” Mom asks. I shrug.
“Fridays are twice as long as every other day but it was okay I guess.” This earns a bit of a laugh from Dad.
“Do you have a lot of homework?” Mom continues making small talk.
“More than usual but then they like to load us up for the weekend. Is that a teacher thing in general? Because monopolizing a kid’s weekend with exc
ess homework just seems mean but they all seem to do it.” This time it’s Mom’s turn to laugh.
“Is that true, Ollie? Is that something teachers do on purpose?” she asks my dad. He nods.
“It’s in the teacher’s handbook under how to ruin your students’ lives.” They banter for a while and I play along until I can’t take it anymore.
“So, uh, where are we going?” I ask. Can they tell I’m holding my breath? Dad looks at me in the mirror again.
“Of course we’re going to see Max,” Mom says. I nod.
“Okay, just checking,” I say. I don’t make too big a deal about it to them but I do give a smile.
“He’s still in the ICU,” Dad warns. I nod to show I’m listening and I’m still okay. “Mark said they’ll probably move him to a regular room tomorrow. He’s breathing on his own but his lungs are still in sad shape and he’s developed an infection.” I don’t like the sound of that. It can’t be too bad or they wouldn’t have agreed to let me come, right?
“Infection?” is all I manage to say. I’m thinking back to the other day when I was worrying about those meddlesome hospital secondary infections.
“From the lake water they think,” Mom continues. “He’s on heavy duty antibiotics and oxygen.”
“What about everything else?” I ask. “There were heart complications? And what about neurological complications? Did they do those tests?”
I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. He’s okay. He’s awake and he’s okay. I keep repeating this silent litany to myself. I can’t panic now. I can’t let them see how nervous this makes me. I practice my breathing and I hope it’s not too obvious to them what I’m doing.
“Everything looks good, Mark says. He walked around the room for a bit today with Mark’s help but he’s still really weak. They don’t have the test results from today yet but it seems as though everything is normal. He still doesn’t remember the day it happened, not all of it. The doctors say that may come back but they’re doubtful. That’s all Mark was able to tell me when we talked earlier,” Dad says. I nod and continue to work on my breathing and mental calming.
Behind the Falls Page 36