“Don’t take this the wrong way, although you probably will since you have that annoying lack of self-esteem, but you kind of don’t look okay. You look…tired and maybe a little sad.”
“I’m a little tired I guess,” I admit. “I haven’t really been sleeping all that well but then you know I have trouble with that sometimes.”
“You’re sure that’s all it is? I told you before, I’m here, Noah. If you need me, I’m still your friend.”
“I know. I’m good. I kinda want to watch Donnie Darko now though,” I smile and Max grins back at me.
“I can arrange that. I have the director’s cut.” We go back into Max’s room and he starts the movie, grabs some licorice and gets comfortable against the mound of pillows that are set up against the headboard. I look at the make shift couch that is Max’s bed and hesitate. It’s only a slight hesitation but Max sees it.
“Noah, we’re friends right? I promise you, I SWEAR to you I will never make you uncomfortable again. It’s a king-sized bed. Sit back and watch the movie.” He grabs one of the pillows from behind his head and puts it in the middle of the bed. “There, you have a buffer zone,” his eyes sparkle as he grins at me and I sit down then recline against the pillows. Max hands me some licorice and we settle in to watch the movie. It takes about a half hour for me to be completely comfortable. It takes an hour for my eyes to get heavy.
“Noah?” Max says, startling me awake as I was starting to doze off.
“Yeah?”
“Come back to us at lunch on Monday, okay?” When I don’t answer he goes on, “I mean, you should have sat with them this week instead of sitting in the auditorium alone. They’re all your friends. They never stopped being your friends. Terry, Elliot, Darcy, even Tabitha, all your friends and they would have welcomed you.”
“Even all of the ones whose names I don’t even know?” I laugh. There is a whole table of other kids that I never really got to know outside of lunch.
“Jill, Pete, Joe, Hannah, Josh, Karen, Emily, yeah, they’re your friends too.”
“Okay, lunch on Monday it is,” I say and we turn back to the movie. I don’t last much longer.
When I wake up the room is dark and I have to think for a minute where I am. I see light coming from Max’s studio and remember. I fell asleep watching the movie. I’m on top of the covers on Max’s bed alone and I stretch then get up and shuffle into the studio.
Max is in his chair at the computer wearing headphones, his back to me. I watch him work for a while. He’s bopping his head up and down in time to the music that I can’t hear at all. Those must be some really good headphones. Eventually, he either sees my reflection in his computer monitor or he just has the feeling someone else is in the room and he turns around, pulling the headphones off and letting them hang around his neck.
“What time is it?” I ask. He isn’t wearing his watch but he checks the time on his computer.
“One-oh five AM,” he says. “Don’t worry. Lydia called your mom and told her you were going to stay overnight. Dad and Lydia are in bed but I can take you home if you want.” He spins in half circles in his chair as he waits for my decision. I shake my head.
“That’s okay. You aren’t allowed to drive after midnight and I think I could fall right back to sleep if I don’t have to go out in the cold.” I don’t make a move though.
“Go on back to bed then. You haven’t been sleeping. Take it while you can. I’m going to keep working until I’m tired then I’ll just sleep in here on the couch. I’ll close the door so I don’t disturb you.”
“I don’t want to take your bed. You’ve been in the hospital…”I start to argue.
“It’s fine, Noah. This couch is wicked comfortable. Don’t worry about it okay?” I nod and I head for the bathroom before going back to bed. It’s late but I promised my mom I would take the Xanax so I swallow it down with some tap water before heading back to Max’s room. This time I crawl under the covers. Max moves to close the door.
“No, you can leave it open,” I tell him. He shrugs and puts the headphones on again, turning back to the computer. I watch him work until my eyes get heavy and it doesn’t take long before I’m asleep again.
I have no idea what it is about Max’s bed that allows me to sleep so well. I wake up Saturday morning feeling better than I have in a while. My head doesn’t ache, my body doesn’t ache and I’m well rested. I’m curled around one of the extra pillows like I sleep at home but this pillow smells like Max not me. I stay in bed for another ten minutes until my bladder insists that I get up and take care of things.
Before I go to the bathroom I make the bed. The door that leads from the bedroom into the studio is closed and I open it slowly and quietly. Max is still asleep on the couch. I wonder what time he finally fell asleep. The couch is long enough for his five ten frame but he’s also got his knees curled up the same way that I sleep. One arm is bent under his pillow under his head and the other is on top of the pillow. He looks younger when he’s asleep. Does everyone look younger when they’re asleep and have no worries?
I tiptoe past Max and head for the bathroom. I know I have to get home soon to take the first dose of Xanax for the day. If I don’t, I’m sure Mom or Dad will be calling me to tell me to come home. When I’m done in the bathroom I plan to tiptoe back to Max’s room to get my shoes and gather my books and then I’ll just walk home. Maybe it will be nice enough outside to get a run in before breakfast.
When I leave the bathroom, Max is walking through the gym rubbing the hair on the back of his head and yawning. He sees me and smiles.
“Good morning. You hungry? I’m sure Lydia is already making breakfast if you want to eat before you go home,” he says. I shrug, of course.
“I guess.” I continue on to Max’s room and gather my things and put on my shoes and I wait for him to return.
“Do you have plans for today?” he asks when he comes back to his room.
“Not really,” I admit. “I was just thinking about taking a run.”
“Would you…”he hesitates, looks uncomfortable, bites his bottom lip and runs his hand through his hair. “Would you walk to the falls with me? I sorta think my dad is not going to be thrilled about me wandering the nature preserve by myself for a while and I did promise you a talk…an explanation. Or would that be too weird for you? We could just drive or something. I just need to get out of the house.”
I feel like my heart skips a beat and then pounds extra hard and extra fast. It’s not anxiety though. It’s a good feeling that I don’t understand.
“Of course, let’s go to the falls. I have to go home first but then we can go right away if you want.” He gives me that new, sad smile of his and gives my shoulder a brief squeeze.
“Thanks, Noah,” is all he says.
Breakfast is cinnamon rolls fresh from the oven. Matty is awake and Lydia and Mark are present but Sammi is still in bed. She is definitely not a morning person. I find that I actually have an appetite for a change and I’m embarrassed by the fact that I devour three cinnamon rolls myself. After we eat and Max borrows the car we head to my house.
Mom and Dad are at the table having breakfast when we get there. Max takes a seat while I go to change into fresh clothes. My mom follows me to discretely give me my meds.
“Um, is it okay if I hang out with Max for a bit today? We’re just going to take a drive and hike for a bit. He says he’s up to it but I know Mark would prefer that he doesn’t go alone,” I say.
“Of course, Noah, I’m glad you and Max are friends again,” she says as I swallow the Xanax.
“I should probably take the next dose with me,” I say to prove how well I’m going along with this plan of taking meds regularly. “I’m not sure how long we’ll be gone.” Mom agrees and even gives me an extra dose just in case.
“Make sure you take your phone,” is the only thing she says. I pat my pocket.
“Guess what?” I smile at her as we leave my room. “I was actually h
ungry this morning.” She puts an arm around me and gives a squeeze.
“And you slept last night. See, you just needed to get used to the meds again.” I don’t bother to tell her that I still don’t think I need meds. When we get back to the kitchen, Max is talking to my dad about the book. Dad says the first draft is almost done and soon it will be time to meet with his editor. He has an editor and an agent that he’s used in the past when he published some short fiction. Max seems really interested in whatever it is Dad is writing about.
I haven’t really talked to Dad about the book. I know my mom reads what he’s written as he writes it. She’s always his first sounding board when he writes and his first editor and critic. I know if I asked he would let me read it too but I’m hesitant. I don’t think I want to know my dad that way. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m ready to see him as someone other than Dad.
When we get to the nature preserve Max parks where he did the last time. There are no longer any leaves on the trees and the smaller vegetation is gone. It makes walking a lot easier. Max carries an oversized backpack that he packed at home. He doesn’t say what’s in it. About halfway to the lake he’s already breathing heavy so I take it from him.
“Dude, we’re in no hurry, right? Take it easy. You were breathing through a tube not so long ago,” I admonish. He just looks at me and smiles.
“It’s kind of amazing isn’t it?” he says. “Believe me when I say I am so not taking my life for granted right now.”
We leave the path and as we get closer to the lake I can hear the water. The falls haven’t frozen yet. It’s been pretty cold since Thanksgiving. I’m hoping it freezes soon. I really want to see what it looks like.
When we get to the ledge I go first. Max insists he’s okay but I couldn’t stand it if something happened and I just feel better going first. When I get to the ledge Max soon follows. When it’s time to jump over to the rock outcropping next to the falls I insist on going first again.
“Are you sure you can make it?” I ask. I’m actually more afraid right now than I was the first time I had to make this jump but I’m not worried for me this time. Max nods.
“Easy peasy,” he says. He takes the pack from me and I jump across then he throws the pack to me. It travels just far enough for me to grab it and then I put it aside to give Max room to jump. I hold my breath and mentally cross my fingers as he takes off into the air.
He slides a little and I grab his arm to steady him. It is pretty icy on this rock. He picks up the pack and we slip behind the falling water. Just as it did the first time I was here the sound of the falls comforts and sooths me. I’m standing just far enough away from the water that I’m not getting wet. After a few minutes I hear Max calling me.
When I turn around I see that he carried blankets in the pack. They’re actually Columbia brand sleeping bags…the kind that reflect your body heat back at you. He lays one down on the ground and sits down. I join him and he covers us both with the second one. He’s also wearing gloves and a hat and scarf today and I’m glad he thought about keeping warm today. He probably wouldn’t last five minutes without these precautions. Wuss.
He reaches in the pack again and takes out a silver thermos. Unscrewing the top he sniffs then hands it to me. I take a sniff. It’s hot chocolate. He opens a second thermos and takes a sip and I can smell that his is coffee. He always notices little things like the fact that I never get coffee when we go to the bakery before school.
We sit close like we did the first time he brought me to the falls but we don’t talk right away. I sip some of my hot chocolate then close it to save for later when I’m really cold. Max does the same with his coffee then he pulls some licorice out of the bag, of course. This time when he offers me some I take it.
“So,” he eventually starts to talk. He leans in close to talk into my ear which is the only way to be heard over the water without yelling. I ignore the shiver that goes through me when his breath touches my ear. “I guess…where should I start?”
“Uh, at the beginning?” I sort of laugh. Whatever it is he wants to explain, whatever stories he has to tell are his and I’m not sure where the beginning is.
“I’m not really sure where the beginning is,” he sighs echoing my own thoughts. “I think to explain everything so that you’ll understand I have to go back a few years. This could take a while.” I lean in to talk into his ear this time.
“Take as long as you need…or until you’re too cold and then you can always talk in the car with the heat running. I’m not going anywhere.” He looks at me when I say that and smiles.
“You really aren’t are you?” he asks. After everything…after almost losing him…I don’t care how confusing and painful all of this has been, I’m not going to bail.
“I’m here,” I affirm. Max takes a deep breath and starts his story.
“When I was thirteen, this was right after I stopped answering to the name Holden, I made my first really important friend. I mean, yeah, I had friends my entire life but because we moved so much I never let anyone too close. I never let anyone become so important to me that I would be hurt when we had to leave.
“My dad never even realized this because I brought enough kids home and I had enough sleep overs and guys to hang around with that it appeared that I had a ton of friends. I had acquaintances. I didn’t have anyone important to me. Then I met Nick.
“Nick was fifteen. I met him in the skate park near our house. I had just gotten my first skateboard and I was still pretty much sucking it up but I was trying. Nick caught my attention the first time I saw him on a board. I wanted to be able to do the things he could do. So after he finished a run I just introduced myself and asked him to show me some stuff.
“I’ve never been shy and it never occurred to me to be afraid to approach him but apparently it was a big deal. The guys my age were shocked when he was actually nice to me. He had a reputation for being a tough guy and everyone thought I was going to get my ass kicked.
“So we started hanging out every day. He taught me things on a board but we also hung out at my house a lot playing video games and guitar. He had just started playing and I had been playing for a few years so I traded him guitar tips for skating tips. It might have seemed weird to everyone else that we were friends because two years is a big deal between thirteen and fifteen but we just clicked. It was almost like I became the little brother he didn’t have.
“I think I kind of idolized him in a way but there was more. Whenever anything happened he was the first one I wanted to tell. He was the one I always wanted to spend my time with. He was…he meant more to me than just a friend. I was only thirteen. I was just starting to know about things like hand holding, kissing, hormones and all of that crap.
“In my mind I knew that eventually girls were supposed to get interesting. I knew how things changed when you grew up. I mean, my dad had already had that talk with me. I should have been confused. I should have been surprised when I realized that THOSE kinds of feelings were the feelings I was starting to have for Nick but I wasn’t. It just seemed natural to me to realize that this was not friendship or hero worship or anything like that. This was my first crush.
“I didn’t think about it logically. If I had I think I would have maybe put some distance between us. I might have talked to my dad about it. I didn’t though. To me it just seemed so natural. I knew I liked him. I knew how I felt about him. I never once thought about the fact that this was a guy and this wasn’t the way things were supposed to work.
“So one day we were hanging out in front of the skate park after it closed. It was just us, everyone else had gone home. We were sitting close and we kept touching. First it was a nudge with a shoulder, him. Then the next was me picking something out of his hair and letting my fingers linger there. Then he squeezed a hand on the back of my neck. It just kept going back and forth, small touch for small touch and I started to think maybe he felt the same way. So I kissed him.” Max stops and closes h
is eyes.
“So then what happened?” I ask and I’m not sure if he even hears me. I’m thinking of what happened when Max kissed me...what happened before I freaked out…and is that what happened with Nick? Max opens his eyes and looks at me with that crooked grin.
“So then what happened was that Nick kicked my ass. I mean, he didn’t just shove me away and hit me or something. He beat the shit out of me. I kept asking him why and he’d just hit me again. Eventually he either got tired or decided I’d learned my lesson or something. I don’t know why he stopped. Maybe it was because I was bleeding and just lying there moaning and crying.
“’I won’t tell anyone about this,’ he said. ‘I won’t tell anyone because I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about ME but you’re fucked up, Maxwell. Stay the Hell away from me.’ Then he left me there and we never spoke again.” It breaks my heart to picture thirteen-year-old Max lying there broken and bloody and all alone with his heart broken like that. Then I wonder how he felt after the way I acted. I mean, I didn’t physically hurt him but how did my messed up reaction affect him?
“I laid there for a while. When I finally dragged myself home I was late and my dad was furious. He started yelling as soon as he heard the door but then he saw me. He wanted to kick Nick’s ass. He wanted to kick Nick’s dad’s ass. He wanted to press charges. I begged him not to do anything. All I could do that first night was cry. I was just heartbroken and inconsolable.
“That first night Dad was just there for me. He didn’t ask questions, he didn’t judge, he was just there. He waited until I was finally able to talk. I told him how I felt about Nick. I told him it never occurred to me that it was wrong. He told me it wasn’t wrong if that was the way I felt. He told me puberty is confusing as Hell. He told me he loved me and I could come to him with anything. He promised he wouldn’t tell Lydia until I was sure of what I was feeling. Then he started teaching me Taekwondo so I could take care of myself.
“Not long after that Dad got a new assignment and we moved. I wasn’t any closer to figuring things out when I met Alicia. She’s the one with the braces and the brother with the Jeep. Again it started as just friends but she was my best friend. Then she was more. Then I was confused.”
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